[psychoflea]'s diary
Well, some good news. Heather has unblocked me from IM and we talked alittle. It wasn't what i wanted to talk about but i got what i wanted and then some. We started getting into a fight when she wound't tell me what her plans where. It seems that i have fixed a problem, but have not fixed the sorce of the problem. If I don't fix that, then why even bother for Heather to try to give me another chance when it will only happen again. I guess I will need to go on a pilgrimage to fix it...hopfully. I'm looking forward to more sleepless nights. I just have to tell myself that it takes time like everyone has been telling me. People tell me alot, its just most people don't listen until they are hurting someway. example, You would listen on how to get out of quicksand if you where in it, but most people don't know how to get out of it even if you told them right befor they go in it.
So onword to some random place in waco... maybe even central texas where i will make my journy. Hmm, i might really do that... I don't have to go to work untill 5:30 today.
So i got most of my cell phone problems worked out. I'm getting a Razor cell phone. Its going to be sweet! Oh and Sears gave me a Master Credit Card! HAHAHA! Oh and I have started a Checking account. I trying to everything a i can to not think about Heather.... I'm running out of things to worry about.
So work was fine. I got $55 in tips alone with is more than what i make when i cook. So i made about $75 in 7 hours. YAY! Tonight we are having some Yummy Meat! Its Ribs. Heather always liked ribs. When we would go to outback or Texas Roadhouse, that is what she would get. Also i have some new Chuck Taylors! They are orange! They are sweet Jesus if you ask me.
Morning: I went to church. Spiritual.
Afternoon: Helped Paul and nathan Move. Good times for all.
Night: Work. Hmmm... i get paid $2.15 a hour. How would you feel?
So Church was great. I need to get conected with God again. After Bootcamp I kind of did my own thing but i'm going to get back intouch with him. Helping Paul and nathan move was fun. We joked around alot and moved some stuff around into a truck. I still like to do the same thing Mitch headburg does. He likes to help people stay put. He goes over there house and makes sure they are not loading boxes into the back of a truck. And Work... hmmm. I have over flow so it shouldn't be to bad. I hope i get alot of money from tips and I don't hear and songs that will remind me of Heather. It still hurts way to much. Just being near where she is makes my Blood Pressure sky rocket and I start to lose my breath. HAHA, I made a funny. She takes my breath away. But forreal, no joke, she does.
P.S Parting until 5 am then waking up to go to church at 9:30am then going to work at 4 is not a good idea.
Morning: a little depressed
Afternoon: Sleeping, then being bizzy
Night: Work. I hate it!
So yeah, I can't stop myself from thinking of her. When I hear a song that reminds me of her, its such a strong pain that comes. Its one of thoughs pain that you want to cry but you can't because you have been crying for weeks.
Justin, My boss, had a party at his place. It was a alright time. At work i just couldn't stop thinking about Heather. Everysong some how was conected to her. I just want her to smile at me again. I want to hear her voice. Even a whisper would be good.
So yeah, I have been working things out with myself and i'm finding hope. I'm not just doing it for her, I'm doing it for me because i need to have this view with me.
So last night I made a promos to God. I promos that is hard to keep. Once I made the promos, I asked myself, "what would i do if I had a choose to brake it, or lose something i hold most dear to me", and i found myself getting real mad because i didn't like my choices. Right then and there, I put myself in someone elses shoes. Then i understood how wrong I was.
Morning: Alittle Down, with a peck of sadness everytime a memory came.
Afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Working. Not stressfull but kept my mind of off things. Also, Went and drove around to think about some things. Thought about what i should do, what i need to do, what i want to do, and what i could of done. In the end, I feel better, I have a plan, a wish, and some hope.
Tonight was the first step in changing. It will take some time but i made a promos.
Mood for today:
Morning: Having a blast shooting stuff with paintballs and going to witches house.
afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Cooking
Mood for today:
morning: Tierd
Afternoon: ok
Night: Bizzy
One month... starts now
Mood for today:
Morning: Angry
Afternoon: depressed
night: Happy
I'm going to give it a all out attack. If it don't work, then i give up and i will move on.
Time to start making a Plain.
If i could,
go back in time;
I would.
If i could,
Take back what i said,
I would.
If i was more observant,
and saw that you where hurting.
I would make you pleased.
If i could,
read your mind,
I would.
If there was a chance to get you back,
I would take it.
Holy cow! I hurt. I'm sore. I feel so spazed out right now. Feels like all the energy from my body is trying to exscape on its own free will. It feel as though my Ora is going in and out of my body extreamly fast. My body acs from it. I haven't got much sleep. Every time i lay my head down. I start to dream about my Goddess and how i fucked up. I don't know what i was thinking. It sucks that it happend. But Hopfully God will help me. I think he will. He has before and I think he will do it again. He brought me her, and he took her away. What i ask is that he bring her back.
Man, I can't get you out of my mind. You stole my Heart, and i don't want it back. I want you back.
Have you ever felt like crying but couldn't because you cryed to much or you hurt so much that you couldn't. My blood feels as though it is on fire and i don't like this bad burning in my body. I want to feel love again. Not the feelings i'm feeling right now.
God will help me.
My Friend Nikki Birdwell came over today. She was the first good news in a long time. I had a crush on her in 6th grade and had one for a while until I feel in love with heather. No, I don't feel the same as i did before. It made me think. Here in front of me was one of my old crushes that i use to be inflatuated with, now i feel nothing. When i saw her i was excited because i hadn't seen her in a few years and i hadn't talked to her in almost a year. And I was shocked to find out that she was fuck buddies with Paul that i thought was going out with Robin... only to find out that they broke up in november. I wasn't jelous, I was more shocked that Paul and Robin broke up more than they were fucking.
Makes me think, Will I ever Love someone else or did I give every last drop of love to heather that i could of. There might be some in me that will grow, but my heart is not near as big as it was before.
I'm really hopeing that God will help me to get back heather. If not, I'm hoping that we will be friends and I can try to grow on that. Try to give me another chance.
oh man, My body. Oh man, My Soul. Oh man, My Heart. They are all so black and blue.
So Heather and I Broke up. We are no longer together after 2 years. Some of you out there know how i feel. I have talked to my parents and they have made me feel better. I think maybe we do need some time apart. It hurts but maybe we aren't ready for that close of a relationship. Hopefully down the road we can try again. She needs to concentrate on her school work and her family and friends as do I. But for right now, I think i'm just going to date. I don't want a relationship. There are a few people that are eyeballing me and I'll start talking to them. Maybe have some fun on the side. I'm a Marine; I can get chicks like its a game that i'm a master at....haha who the fuck am i fooling. Ayh, oh well. I'll do what i feel like it. Well if you are reading this heather, I'm sorry again. I'll talk to you in a few months. You said that we could still be friends. Lets really try on that.
I love you guys. Peace out!
It seems that I have to go to grims even when i don't have to because someone says its ok if i don't then gets mad at me when i don't.
It also seems when people are mad at me... they don't want to talk it out.
What is really bad is that i'm really thinking about doing something dumb and hurtful... Man, its going to be crappy.
I will be home on the 30th of JUNE! sweet!
When halo 2 comes out, I will not be seen by most people for about 3 days to a week!
I want to be left alone so that i may play this game!!
"Punk is musical freedom. It's saying, doing and playing what you want. In Webster's terms, 'nirvana' means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that's pretty close to my definition of Punk Rock."
