[psychoflea]'s diary
I talked to heather on the phone today. This is almost exacly what i said to her:
First off, I want to say that I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough. I know I hurt you and that the ut most respect that you had for me is no longer there because of what I did and for that I’m sorry. I have broking respect and trust and that is something that a person that loves you as much as I do, should never do.
I am sorry. When the problem came up, I should of stopped thinking about it, and talked with you to tell you that we should do something to fix this problem but I didn’t. I just thought about it until I couldn’t handle it anymore. But I have fixed that problem by myself and I realize that it was ether going to be you or me. Well, my first choice showed me a side of the fence that I do not want to be on, and it opened some doors. But now, I have seen the other side of the fence and I want to go back and choose door #2 because that is the rightful choice. I have made a promos to God that I am going to save myself until after marriage. I choosed to do this because it is the right thing to do and if I want to be with you and if I want are relationship to work out, then I have to play in the same ball game. So I promos you that nothing like that will ever come up again
I am sorry for being so selfish. Before I went to boot camp, All I thought about was how to make you happy. It brought me so much joy to see you smile the way you do when I call you My Goddess. When I went to boot camp, I was surrounded by people that I would never hang out with. On top of that, I would have to eat with them, sleep with them, work with them, and co-operate with them. These people had such bad morals. You know them. Sandman and Williams. Holy cow! They would tell there wife or girlfriend that they loved them then the next, they are having sex with another. Then when they got caught, they would lie to there wife or girlfriend to get out of it while Roads and me are laying in bed, Talking to are girlfriends that we love so very much and would never think about it. Slowly we would lower are morals just to cover for them. When I got back to Waco, I missed you and all I wanted was to think about myself. I was tired of trying to help everyone, cover for everyone, and doing what everyone expected of me. I just wanted to sleep and cuddle with the one person that I loved more than anything in the whole world. I knew I changed a little and I just wanted to absorb the morals that you and Nathan followed. I knew that if I wanted my moral back, I needed to hang out with the people that help make my morals.
I’m not trying to get back with you Heather because I know there is not the trust and respect that there once was. But I would like to fix that. I am willing to do what ever it takes to gain that respect and trust again and if it means for us to just be friends for awhile, then fine. Its going to hurt, in fact, it still does hurt. I love you heather and I am willing to do what ever makes you happy. When you are ready to talk, we can talk. If you just want to be friends for a while, lets just be friends for a while but I would like it if you would give me another chance in the future.
I know when I came back, I had some problems. But I’m fixing them. I have promised God, and I’m hanging out with people with great morals and they know that I would like there help and they are.
Thank you for hearing what I had to say. I just needed to get some things off my chest and when you are ready to get some things off your chest, come talk to me.
So she is cool with it but she is is stil mad at me. What i did really pissed her off and i know that. She said that that we might be able to have a relationship in the future but that would be a long time from now. And i'm cool with that. I'm gong to wait for her.
But for right now, I'm going to look for some one else. I should move on. The worst thing could happen is that i lose one love, but gain another.
So last night I talked to heather. I told her that i loved her and that i miss her. I also told her that i'm done and when she is ready to talk, she knows my number. Man it stil hurts. People say "remember the good times" NO! That just makes it hurt more and thinking about thinking about the bad things dont help eather because there are not enough bad thinks in are relationship. Its a lose lose sistutation. I'm at fault and so i should suffer. Right now, I just want to make heather happy.
Holy cow. I had such a dream. I wish it were real. It felt so real and when i found out that i was dreaming, i wished that i could of slept forever. sigh
Well, some good news. Heather has unblocked me from IM and we talked alittle. It wasn't what i wanted to talk about but i got what i wanted and then some. We started getting into a fight when she wound't tell me what her plans where. It seems that i have fixed a problem, but have not fixed the sorce of the problem. If I don't fix that, then why even bother for Heather to try to give me another chance when it will only happen again. I guess I will need to go on a pilgrimage to fix it...hopfully. I'm looking forward to more sleepless nights. I just have to tell myself that it takes time like everyone has been telling me. People tell me alot, its just most people don't listen until they are hurting someway. example, You would listen on how to get out of quicksand if you where in it, but most people don't know how to get out of it even if you told them right befor they go in it.
So onword to some random place in waco... maybe even central texas where i will make my journy. Hmm, i might really do that... I don't have to go to work untill 5:30 today.
So i got most of my cell phone problems worked out. I'm getting a Razor cell phone. Its going to be sweet! Oh and Sears gave me a Master Credit Card! HAHAHA! Oh and I have started a Checking account. I trying to everything a i can to not think about Heather.... I'm running out of things to worry about.
So work was fine. I got $55 in tips alone with is more than what i make when i cook. So i made about $75 in 7 hours. YAY! Tonight we are having some Yummy Meat! Its Ribs. Heather always liked ribs. When we would go to outback or Texas Roadhouse, that is what she would get. Also i have some new Chuck Taylors! They are orange! They are sweet Jesus if you ask me.
Morning: I went to church. Spiritual.
Afternoon: Helped Paul and nathan Move. Good times for all.
Night: Work. Hmmm... i get paid $2.15 a hour. How would you feel?
So Church was great. I need to get conected with God again. After Bootcamp I kind of did my own thing but i'm going to get back intouch with him. Helping Paul and nathan move was fun. We joked around alot and moved some stuff around into a truck. I still like to do the same thing Mitch headburg does. He likes to help people stay put. He goes over there house and makes sure they are not loading boxes into the back of a truck. And Work... hmmm. I have over flow so it shouldn't be to bad. I hope i get alot of money from tips and I don't hear and songs that will remind me of Heather. It still hurts way to much. Just being near where she is makes my Blood Pressure sky rocket and I start to lose my breath. HAHA, I made a funny. She takes my breath away. But forreal, no joke, she does.
P.S Parting until 5 am then waking up to go to church at 9:30am then going to work at 4 is not a good idea.
Morning: a little depressed
Afternoon: Sleeping, then being bizzy
Night: Work. I hate it!
So yeah, I can't stop myself from thinking of her. When I hear a song that reminds me of her, its such a strong pain that comes. Its one of thoughs pain that you want to cry but you can't because you have been crying for weeks.
Justin, My boss, had a party at his place. It was a alright time. At work i just couldn't stop thinking about Heather. Everysong some how was conected to her. I just want her to smile at me again. I want to hear her voice. Even a whisper would be good.
So yeah, I have been working things out with myself and i'm finding hope. I'm not just doing it for her, I'm doing it for me because i need to have this view with me.
So last night I made a promos to God. I promos that is hard to keep. Once I made the promos, I asked myself, "what would i do if I had a choose to brake it, or lose something i hold most dear to me", and i found myself getting real mad because i didn't like my choices. Right then and there, I put myself in someone elses shoes. Then i understood how wrong I was.
Morning: Alittle Down, with a peck of sadness everytime a memory came.
Afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Working. Not stressfull but kept my mind of off things. Also, Went and drove around to think about some things. Thought about what i should do, what i need to do, what i want to do, and what i could of done. In the end, I feel better, I have a plan, a wish, and some hope.
Tonight was the first step in changing. It will take some time but i made a promos.
Mood for today:
Morning: Having a blast shooting stuff with paintballs and going to witches house.
afternoon: Sleeping
Night: Cooking
Mood for today:
morning: Tierd
Afternoon: ok
Night: Bizzy
One month... starts now
Mood for today:
Morning: Angry
Afternoon: depressed
night: Happy
I'm going to give it a all out attack. If it don't work, then i give up and i will move on.
Time to start making a Plain.
If i could,
go back in time;
I would.
If i could,
Take back what i said,
I would.
If i was more observant,
and saw that you where hurting.
I would make you pleased.
If i could,
read your mind,
I would.
If there was a chance to get you back,
I would take it.
Holy cow! I hurt. I'm sore. I feel so spazed out right now. Feels like all the energy from my body is trying to exscape on its own free will. It feel as though my Ora is going in and out of my body extreamly fast. My body acs from it. I haven't got much sleep. Every time i lay my head down. I start to dream about my Goddess and how i fucked up. I don't know what i was thinking. It sucks that it happend. But Hopfully God will help me. I think he will. He has before and I think he will do it again. He brought me her, and he took her away. What i ask is that he bring her back.
Man, I can't get you out of my mind. You stole my Heart, and i don't want it back. I want you back.
Have you ever felt like crying but couldn't because you cryed to much or you hurt so much that you couldn't. My blood feels as though it is on fire and i don't like this bad burning in my body. I want to feel love again. Not the feelings i'm feeling right now.
God will help me.
My Friend Nikki Birdwell came over today. She was the first good news in a long time. I had a crush on her in 6th grade and had one for a while until I feel in love with heather. No, I don't feel the same as i did before. It made me think. Here in front of me was one of my old crushes that i use to be inflatuated with, now i feel nothing. When i saw her i was excited because i hadn't seen her in a few years and i hadn't talked to her in almost a year. And I was shocked to find out that she was fuck buddies with Paul that i thought was going out with Robin... only to find out that they broke up in november. I wasn't jelous, I was more shocked that Paul and Robin broke up more than they were fucking.
Makes me think, Will I ever Love someone else or did I give every last drop of love to heather that i could of. There might be some in me that will grow, but my heart is not near as big as it was before.
I'm really hopeing that God will help me to get back heather. If not, I'm hoping that we will be friends and I can try to grow on that. Try to give me another chance.
oh man, My body. Oh man, My Soul. Oh man, My Heart. They are all so black and blue.
So Heather and I Broke up. We are no longer together after 2 years. Some of you out there know how i feel. I have talked to my parents and they have made me feel better. I think maybe we do need some time apart. It hurts but maybe we aren't ready for that close of a relationship. Hopefully down the road we can try again. She needs to concentrate on her school work and her family and friends as do I. But for right now, I think i'm just going to date. I don't want a relationship. There are a few people that are eyeballing me and I'll start talking to them. Maybe have some fun on the side. I'm a Marine; I can get chicks like its a game that i'm a master at....haha who the fuck am i fooling. Ayh, oh well. I'll do what i feel like it. Well if you are reading this heather, I'm sorry again. I'll talk to you in a few months. You said that we could still be friends. Lets really try on that.
I love you guys. Peace out!
It seems that I have to go to grims even when i don't have to because someone says its ok if i don't then gets mad at me when i don't.
It also seems when people are mad at me... they don't want to talk it out.
What is really bad is that i'm really thinking about doing something dumb and hurtful... Man, its going to be crappy.
I will be home on the 30th of JUNE! sweet!
When halo 2 comes out, I will not be seen by most people for about 3 days to a week!
I want to be left alone so that i may play this game!!
"Punk is musical freedom. It's saying, doing and playing what you want. In Webster's terms, 'nirvana' means freedom from pain, suffering and the external world, and that's pretty close to my definition of Punk Rock."
