Anger/work/life

Wow....lol I must have been pretty pissed last time. Well, about my schedule. I'm trying to fix it, and if I can't then I guess its not all that bad, even if it isn't what I want. I'm still kind of mad I didn't get to take what I wanted to though. that sucks ass.

I've been looking back at everything, reading over all the stuff I've written. I seem to have a cycle of angry/happy going on. lol, oh well, I guess it is what works for me.


btw this time, I'm happy XD

So lesse....whats new. I dyed my hair dark brown, and it doesn't look bad, I just have to get used to it you know? I kindof like it though. I think dark colors suit me better than light ones.

I got a job now!!!!! :) that makes me very happy, but I need more hours...seriously. I had my first day yesterday, it was fine and all, but I only worked from 11 to 2:30. so it wasn't all that great. On top of that, I don't work again until Saturday, in which I have the same hours. Hopefully though I will get more, and if my schedule next week is sucky, I'll ask for more. Hopefully my boss (steve) will give me some more hours. I know that he needs people to work in the daytime, but 2 times a week really isn't enough to pay for gas. you know?

Dillon is mad at me.....I don't know why. He messaged me about an adult website that had my screen name on it. I looked at it, and it didn't really make any sense to me because I know I didn't sign up for it. It is quite odd though I'll say that. A person with my user name that lives not but 40 miles away. I know for a fact I never signed up for that, and idk.. Its just all odd. Sometimes I think maybe dillon made the profile just so he wont have to talk to me. Which is odd, but idk. I'm just so fucking confused. He hates me now, and I guess he has that right, I just wish I could prove to him that I didn't do it. its so weird.

I find it kindof funny though, after all of this shit, telling him the truth and what not, something like this happens. XD
its hilarious really

I have school in a week. Thats going to suck. lol

I've been feeling somewhat sick lately, and also like everything that has been happening is a dream. Like getting a job, dying my hair, school starting soon. Idk, its surreal you know?

I'm going to be a senior. Its a bit intimidating to be honest, and I'm worried about becoming nothing later on in life. I dont want that.

I'm looking into buying a car soon. It will be something kindof crappy cause I don't have much money, but I need a car so that when I leave this town, it wont be on a bike. (that and I want to make a quick get-a-away.)

I have nesquik. its good.....though bad for my gut.

I'm too lazy to work out though.

Does anyone read these?

This has been blog number 17.

My school....

alright, well, I went to change my schedule, and lets just say, I am in agreement with what I said before. PEOPLE SUCK

I CAN"T STAND THAT GOD DAMN SCHOOL OR ANYONE ELSE< EVERYONE SHOULD JUST FUCKING DIE I HATE THIS

OK....so here's the thing. I went to change my schedule because they had me in classes I didn't want to take, and did a lot of things that I just didn't like. I'm supposed to be an arts major, and I have no arts classes.
Well guess what, yeah I can't do that now because THE STUPID FUCKING SCHOOL FUCKED EVERYTHING UP

Now, instead of the one sports class, I have 2.....BOTH the very begining of the day. I CAN"T STAND THIS SHIT

This has been blog number 16

This morning...

Ok, my friend Heather and me were supposed to go somewhere today, and hangout. Now I know she has a boyfriend, I get that much, and I'm happy for her, but this pisses me off. I wanted to go and do something, and planned on it all week and stuff, and now its like....UGH

she's laying in bed with her bf, and too damn busy to come do anything with me, the one GD person thats stuck by her side through all her shit! I'm so fucking sick of this! I keep getting let down by stupid ass mother fucking god damn people.

People suck

and now I have to go get my schedule changed for next year.

what those assholes were thinking when they made it is BEYOND me. They didn't give me anything I signed up for. I mean, what the hell.


damn schools


This has been blog number 15

Damn internet buttons....

I'm happier now. A little ticked since I just wrote this whole thing, tried to switch over to another tab, and pressed the back button. Lost everything! lol.

Its funny to look back on my last entry. To see how emotional I got, you know? Its kind of odd. I like looking back on things like and and realizing, if I ever get like that again in the future, it will all pass, and that things will get better, even if they aren't 100% better.

I went camping a week or two ago. It was really fun, but it kind of went downhill when my mp3 player broke. I was really sad about that. I loved that damn thing, and now I don't have one. I miss my music, but hopefully I will get a job soon and get another one.

Speaking of job, I had my first job interview on saturday. It didn't go to well because I honestly didn't know just what to say to some of his questions, that and he seemed very very distracted, almost like he didn't want to be there. It made me feel kind of bad. I was really disappointed. However, he said he'd call me on Tuesday or today. I really hope I get the job, I could use some money. It worries me though because I have to go by a certain schedule, and idk. I don't have a car.

I gained some weight this summer. 10 pounds I think. Its kind of saddening, I mean no one likes to gain weight (....well, no one that doesn't need it) but I figure, I'm fine with who I am. Perhaps I'm not Mr. USA but I don't really want to be. I want to be normal, and I like being able to eat what I want to, even if it does mean a little extra pounds. I'm not obese or anything, so why not, ya know. Granted I wish I had better health, but its not like I don't exercise from time to time. I mean twice a week I ride my bike 6 miles. Granted that isn't enough, but you know, whatever. lol.

I still miss stephan. Quite a bit actually. Lately I've been thinking about him more and more and more. I was talking the other day to someone, telling them what had happened and whatnot. I don't think stephan would have liked it because it was "our business" He used to be really strong willed about me sharing our business with people, but I had to talk to someone, it was driving me crazy (as you can see from my last post lol).. Anyways, I was talking about how I felt, and how I didn't think he ever meant to hurt me. But my friend made a good point "Someone that fakes their own death, and would put you through something like that, seems like they don't care much" It made a good point, but I still see it my way. He did what he did for the best of myself, and for himself. I'm proud of him for that, and happy he did what he did. (unless he really did kill himself. Then I'm just pissed) but...you know, I still miss him. It'll be 2 years in march that I have stopped talking to him. I hope though, by my 18th, he'll write me back. I don't know if he will, and I don't think the chances are all that great, but idk.

Something that scares me, and I know it shouldn't but it does, is that he'll come back and be married or something. That would hurt me. It wouldn't kill me like I said that it would a year ago, but it would hurt me. I expect if that was to happen though he wouldn't bother messaging me. IDK, I just want to know that he is ok you know?

School starts on the 25th. It doesn't seem like summer lasted long enough, you know?

Its depressing to know that this is my last year. I have no earthly Idea what I'm going to do after. Its going to be somewhat scary, but I guess the idea of falling flat on your face can be scary to anyone. I hope though, that if I don't get this job, I will be able to get a job soon because I don't think it will look good for a College student to not have a job. That and it wouldn't be very practical.

I hope I can get into college. I'm looking at Rocky Mountain Arts College in Colorado. (partly because of Stephan, but partly because I kind of like the idea of it) I still remember when Stephan said "Make choices because of YOU, not because of someone else, or for someone else" (I'm paraphrasing). This is MY choice though, it would make ME happy. lol, I still haven't learned anything have I?

I'm dying my hair brown today. I'm tired of blond and kind of want to be my natural color (even if my natural color is dark blond)

I'm getting more into Manga. I never liked anime before, but idk....I kind of like it now. I'm going to try to read (sometime today) the book Vampire Knights. Its really cool looking. I was reading Loveless, but I can't buy the books so I stopped. Its sad though cause I like it a lot. Reminds me of a certain couple, or what used to be a couple.

....I'm really running out of things to say. I think I'm going to take a shower, I'm not so pleasant to the nose right now (just got back from that bike ride lol)

I'm glad I wrote this today. I feel better.


Love you Stephan

This has been blog number 14.

I will not die.

These last few weeks I haven't written, mainly because I've gone off the deep end. In these past couple of weeks I've gotten into things I shouldn't have, I've done things I never thought I'd do, and I don't think I've learned from it. I promised that I would learn, and I promised that I would try to grow. I made a lot of progress, and now I've screwed all of that up. Suicide has become a big thought for me. Its not a smart thought, but its what I am thinking. I don't like it, but at the same time it comforts me. I haven't talked to anyone about it yet, mainly because there is no one around to talk to. Most of my friends have done what I figured they would do, they abandoned me. I know I was an asshole to some, but don't they understand that I need them now? I don't think so.

Today my life started flashing before my eyes again
tomorrow I'll see my life pass me by.

god this is a nightmare.

This has been blog number 13.

The last couple days, I've really been depressed. Not that anyone really reads these, people have enough problems of their own, let alone listening to mine, but its nice to pretend someone out there is listening.

damn. When did I get like this? and why do I even care anymore?
I wish someone could answer that.

I saw my grandpa today, which made me think about my grandmothers death, and how I was going to feel when he passed. Thats gonna suck. I hope that he stays around, that would be nice.

I'm really tired today, I'm running on only a couple of hours of sleep. 3 at most.

I hate this.

and I hate that I've become really depressed over things. I don't like that part of me. I want to be happy, I don't want to be thought of as the "emo kid" not that labels bother me all that much. I just don't want that to be something I'm remembered for. Almost like the whole "gay" thing. I hate that people only remember me because I'm gay, or at least most people. Why can't they just see me as a guy. For once I'd like to be called "the artist" instead of "the gay guy" but oh well. I guess things will never really change.

I think I'm going to get some sleep now. I'm really tired, and I need a break.
a long break.

This has been blog number 12.

Today has been a really bad day.
This morning, a good friend of mine and I were talking, and everything seemed to be going fine. I kind of went on a little gay rant about makeup and I was all excited and stuff. Then he said, flat out "I don't care".
I don't know why, but that really hurt me. I've heard that all my life, but I never expected it from him. I suppose I expected too much from him, and got shot down, as you always do when that happens. I knew him for 5 years though, and idk. I just thought I knew better. That really hurt.
Later on in the day, I talked to my parents about going to the movies. They started yelling at me. My step-dad, whom I thought was joking (cause thats usually how things are with him) told me I was a faggot and didn't need to go to the movies with another guy. That hurt too, even if I pretended that it didn't.
A lot of the people I used to be friends with wont, or dont talk to me anymore. The more I started to realize that, the more I felt alone. And feeling alone made me think of stephan, and lets not go into the depth of that wound.

In less than a year I'll be 18. I hope, if he's out there, he'll come and find me.

damn.

This has been blog entry number 11.

So things on this end have gone from good, to bad, to good.

Well, I went out, as I said in my last post, to the movies a couple times these past few weeks, and every time I got my ass chewed out for being a little late getting home. This caused me and my parents to fight quite a bit. Finally though, things have settles down as my parents apologized after yelling at me one night when I wasn't late and did everything I was told. (In my mind I was screaming "Nothing is good enough" haha

I got in touch with Dillon. I was really worried about him because I heard what all had been happening in Iowa with the flooding. I know he lives in Iowa, and that really worried me. While it probably wasn't the best idea to go and talk to him or whatnot, I had to clear my mind of the visual of him clinging onto a house, being dragged away by water. I don't like that visual.

I've been thinking more and more about Stephan the last couple of days, something I don't like doing. I always tend to think of him, then get depressed because I realize he's gone. I just hate that I didn't know much about him as I wanted to. I suppose I have to look on the good side though, he no longer has to worry about the relationship getting him in trouble. I would hate it if he did.

Its 9 in the morning. I went to bed a couple hours ago. UGH

Oh! I've started working on my photoshop skills, something I'm very proud of cause I'm getting better and learning more and more as I go along. Hopefully I'll get really good and be able to sell stuff on Deviant art.....or just get stuff on there XD

I've been really fascinated with Middle-Eastern culture lately, and Japanese culture. I love middle-eastern music, and I love Japanese clothing, anime, etc. Its all so fascinating to me. Sometimes I wish my culture was more exciting. But no....damn.

Captain crunch leaves a weird taste in your mouth afterwards. *shudder*

This has been blog number 10.

Alright, its been forever so I figured that I would post something at least.
SO school has ended. Thats good. But I can't help but feel like I'm worthless when I'm not doing something. I could get a job, but I'm too nervous when I talk to people, and I am completely lazy. I need to break out of that habit.
Last time I wrote I talked about this problem with Shawn I was having. Well to be honest I find it stupid now that I even cared. (plus he got his ass kicked on the last day of school cause he was trying to prove he was straight by touching another guys girlfriend.  Karma's funny)
Oh, and this thing with Dillon is past me too. Yes its sad that I lost a friend, but no I will not cry about it for a year. Its just not worth my time.

I'm drawing a lot again. Something I'm really happy about cause I finally want to draw. I think that all the pressure I had on me from all those people that wanted me to draw for them, or kept pressuring me to do my best made me really uneasy, therefore taking away my inspiration. I've got it back for the moment, and I hope I can hold onto it for a while.

I've gone to the movies twice in the last two weeks. Both times I went with some friends and this guy Turtle (thats not his real name, but I like calling him that) He's really cute and really sweet. I don't know exactly what it is about him I like, but I like him. (he says he's straight though so thats a bummer. Oh well)

I've gained a little bit of weight cause I stopped working out. I should probably go walking again sometime, and perhaps I will. Maybe I'll go to the mountains and take a hike. (I hate that phrase but I don't know how else to put it).

I think I'm going to take a nap.

This has been blog number 9.

My heart feels heavy lately. Earlier today I couldn't stop smiling. I was happy. I mean, I had some good music to listen to (thanks to my friend letting me borrow her mp3 player) I had a good chance of not having to take my math final, and idk. I seemed to get away from all the stress I have been going through for a while. Now it seems like a brick wall of emotions and stress has hit me.

This thing with Shawn, the fact that he would go as far to call me a "faggot" and start making fun of me really is hurting me. Perhaps I should say something about it. I don't know if I have that kind of will in me though. I'm not the kind of person to share my feelings. Maybe thats what I've been doing wrong.

Dillon hasn't talked to me for a while. I guess its not that big of a change, but what he said is still bothering me. I don't understand it. He said he didn't want to talk to someone if he couldn't progress the relationship further. Something about us being so far away. I guess I can understand that, but doesn't he understand that I put a lot of my own feelings past myself so that I could talk to him again. I didn't originally think it was a good idea to be honest. I thought that I would end up hurting him again, or vice versa. idk. I'm just a bit confused about the whole thing.


How did all of this happen. All of my friendships are falling apart. I'm loosing friends faster than I did my mind.

I think from now on I'm gonna start speaking my mind. More profound than before.

I'm so confused. but perhaps things will get better. I hope so anyways.

maybe caleb will help me get that job at the tattoo shop. that would really be nice.

that and getting these bugs away from me.
damn bugs


This has been blog number 8.

It's becoming harder lately to stay happy, and look at the positive thing. I think it's because my depression is kicking in again. and this whole thing with dillon is just making it so much worse.

I'm not so sure that its Dillon I'm having a problem with, its just the realization that I'm loosing a lot of good friends. I mean, me and Paraic don't talk anymore. Every time we have, I've been such a jerk to him, but it's like....idk. I feel like he betrayed me a little, dissapearing and what not. Not to mention this thing with Sean, and with Stephan. It just seems like a lot of guys have fucked me over, and idk. Maybe it's my fault, or maybe I'm doing something wrong, you know?

I don't suppose anyone reads these anyways. I mean, why would someone want to listen to my problems. I'm sure that there are way too many problems in the lives of other people, and reading this would just depress someone; unless they thought my life was worse, which made theirs seem better. But all in all my life is good. I just feel....lonely.

When Dillon said he didn't want to talk to me, all those feelings I had before came rushing back. Loneliness, Sadness, Anger, Confusion, etc. Everything I thought I'd be able to deal with shot me worse than I'd expected. IDK, maybe I didn't live up to his expectations; just as he didn't to mine when I had set him on such a high position in my life. It's hard to live up to something like that. Maybe he thought I was someone I'm not (personality wise). I tried before, to meet someones expectations. I felt like I was a shadow, walking behind who they thought I was. Lately, I feel the same way, only I don't know who's shadow I am. Perhaps I'm my own shadow, lost in the expectations of others, and myself.

damn expectations.

The sad thing is, there is a lot in my life to be grateful for. I have my family, a home, a couple dollars in my pocket sometimes. I've got a good thing going for me with my art, and overall my life is ok. So why am I feeling so sad again?

Perhaps its just bottled emotions or something

damn depression

I hope things get better soon.




oh! I bought a new mp3 player today! I won't get it til next week, but I can't wait! It's gonna be amazing! Its 4GB and has a radio, pictures, 2000 songs (wma's though, and I don't even use those. I use mp3's. I'll get a converter) its amazing. I can't wait to get it. I'm going to love it.

see, something happy.




This has been blog number 7.

OK, well today is the day that I show my immature teen side. But I need to get this out

So lets see, this guy Shawn (not the same one I like, but I liked him too at one point.) and me used to be friends. Everything was greatuntil SUDDENLY a rumor starts that he's gay. We talk about it, and he tells me that it's really bothering him. I can understand that, I mean it used to bother me when people would say that, but I really was, so I'm guessing it would bother him more. While I don't like the fact that he is so immature as to care about what the fat-ass rednecks are saying about him, I don't blame him for that. HOWEVER!!!!!, After he tells me it bothers him, he stops talking to me, for almost a week. The rumor continues, and things seem to only get worse. This should be where he realizes that those bastards aren't his friends at all. SO we were joking around before, saying we were secret lovers and stuff (you know, just joking around) and I sent him a text telling him I loved him, and wanted his body. XD It wasn't like he didn't know it was a joke. He even joked back. A couple days later though, after he stopped talking to me, I sent him another one. I apologized, for him and his gf breaking up, feeling that I might have had something to do with it, with the texts I sent him. He finally talked to me, telling me that the texts weren't the reason. I felt a little bit better, cause it seemed like we were finally going to get to talking again. However, just the next day I was walking in the hallway, and those guys that were making fun of him were once again making fun of him, and when I walked by he said "I'm not some faggot like that one!" pointing me out! OMFG! I could have killed the bastard. But, I didn't say anything. As far as I'm concerned, he's not a friend. He's just an immature fucker that thinks the rednecks that make fun of him are his friends. I mean..idk. Its just stupid. It's making me mad, and at the same time, I feel like crying cause he was such a good friend.
stupid-ness

whatever. I hate guys.

I won something in the county art show!!!!! YAY! Now I can get my mp3 player! it's 4 GB and really really really nice (hopefully). It's going to be refurbished though. :( thats not good, but as long as it works and plays some music I'm GOOD! plus it has a warranty! YAY!.

I love music.

My painting is coming along nicely.

On the upside to my relationships, and emotions towards guys, I no longer feel like crying over Dillon. It's just spilled milk to me now you know? (spilled milk I feel too lazy to try and clean up or worry about)



This has been blog entry number 6.

So I started on my painting today. I'm really happy about it. I think it looks good. It could stand to be better, but for my first painting (with acrylics) its good. I'm really enjoying painting it.

I also wrote a new phrase thingy the other day. I like it a lot :)

The last couple days I've felt like crying. It might be because of Dillon, it might be because of something else. I just feel so alone lately. I mean, Joey doesn't talk to me, Dillon doesn't want to. None of the people at school are worth talking to about my problems cause they will tell everyone, and it will just cause drama. Christian and Mark say I complain too much. Maybe I do. Perhaps I should just keep things to myself for a while. It's just...hard. it seems almost as if I'm supposed to feel lonely. Like I'm destined for lonesome. I think thats crazy though. It sounds a bit immature.

So I saw Sean (a guy I like) holding hands with his new gf. well, that was a great end to my day. X( haha, now that sounded immature. Oh well. I never said I was the most mature. It is only a crush, and I know that it wouldn't go anywhere. I guess its just those stupid hormones.




damn those Dark haired, dark eyed bastards. XD




This has been blog entry number 5.

I have to say, I'm not nearly as sad as I was the other day. I guess letting go is getting easier for me. XD though if someone else saw how many goodbye messages have been going back and fourth between me and him, things would be different. XD. One thing I do wonder though is, why would someone that says they have been sober for 2 weeks make a profile, less than 2 weeks ago, that says they like drinking champagne? heh. Idk, guess it doesn't matter. It's not my life, nor is it my problem. Makes me wonder if he lied about it though...guess I'll never know.

I have two tests tomorrow, and I'm freaking out. It's scary cause one of them determines if I have to take a final! OH MAN! lol

I'm trying to get healthy again, at least partly until when summer starts, in which I'll start working out more and stuff. I'm drinking clear sodas, trying to get myself back onto water slowly. I don't like diving into a new habit, it seems when I do I always end up failing after a while, so I'm gonna take this one slow. Hopefully I'll be able to get back in good shape. I'd like that.

This has been blog entry number 4.

haha 3 entries today. Its been an interesting day lol.

Well, I've said my goodbyes, and he has said his. It's still hard, especially considering the wound is still fresh. Heh. I guess I'll live, I mean, maybe this will make me stronger. I have been trying to work on being able to let people go, so maybe it'll help me. It's still hard though, but no one ever said life was easy right? (I think they did, but you get what I mean)

If you read this, which no one probably does, then check out Maria Mena. She's an amazing artist. Love her music.

This has been blog entry number 3.

Well, I'm not going to lie about it, it hurt a lot. It's been such a long time since I've been really 'active' on this website, and coming back, hearing from him, was kind of a refreshment. It's been a really long time since I talked to Dillon, I mean, he was one of my main reasons for even coming back on here. I missed his friendship a lot, and he is/was one of the most influential people in my life. I mean, he helped me grow SOOOOO much, and I'm so thankful for that. I guess things between us got a bit personal, which I can understand. I mean, I put him through so much shit, and he didn't deserve it. Apologizing doesn't take that away, no matter how much I wish it did. When he said that he didn't want to talk to me though, man. It was like a million bricks being thrown at me. I even feel like I'm gonna cry, but idk. I guess its his decision, you know? If he doesn't want to talk to me, for whatever reasons, then I suppose I can't force him to. I wouldn't want him to either, especially if it was something he didn't want to do. I can't say it doesn't hurt though.

I guess there are still feelings there, you know? I mean he was someone I looked up to quite a bit, loved in a way, more than I should have I would like to think. I put him on such a high pedestal that it wasn't a surprise that he fell from it. I do that too much I think, but I'm learning from it. I guess its all for the best.

I just realized that no one ever really writes journals on here anymore. It's all quizzes or something. I guess its weird to write a blog on a journal page too though...heh. Oh well.

This has been blog entry number 2.

Alright, well Its been such a very long time. OH SO LONG, since I've been on here. I just realized the other day, I don't remember any of the people in my relations. O.O oops! lol. I don't know what to do now. Should I message them, or delete them all? omgz! I just don't know what to do now.

I just found out that one of my friends has been drinking. I don't know if any of you know me, but I'm against drinking and drugs and stuff. Now don't get me wrong, I don't care if you're 21, and drink socially. That doesn't bother me, BUT I hate when people my age (17 or so) drink. I mean, its so stupid. Most of the people here do it cause they want to be "cool" I mean fuck, why the hell is that cool? So you get wasted and can't remember it. Thats so fucking amazing! Lets do this every night! *looks excited!* -sighs-. I mean...why not do something more fun? like go to a concert? or go into a grocery store and dance in some random isle? Isn't that fun!?!?. No wonder I have no friends. XD

I have a burrito, and no batteries for my remote. I should get off my fat ass and go get some. I'm too lazy.

This has been blog entry number 1.