Today was a scary and breathtaking day for me..

For the first time in my life I told someone that I was committing suicide for disclosure.. like a drama whore does when they want to prove something or want attention... the problem and most frghtening thing is.. I meant it...
I didn't know I could feel like this.. I didn't know I could even think this way.. I always hated people like that.. thought they were stupid.. I hate it in myself, too.. I'm scared...
Since I was ten I always said that I would never, ever threaten my own life for any reason..
What am I doing..?

-Sigh.- I'll write more in the morning when I have a clearer head..

im dizzy..
one eye crying, one eye normal..
my flesh feels overheated.. no tylenal.. need tylenal..
so tired.. need rest.. but its only 4.. i want to stay.. i cant leave yt..

i gave everything forone thing.. and almst ended up with nothing.. i need to fix things.. inedd to get everything the wa it used to be...

..need tylenal..

I really fucked myself up today..
I'm so dizzy I can hardly walk..
I feel so drained and disorientated..

Funny, I was giving someone advice yesterday not to do the exact same thing I just did..
I'm such an idiot..

[Ayame Whitepaws] is probably staying with [Miya], and [On Any Given Night] just got together with [Kusu], so it looks like I'm getting my wish of not being with anyone for a while..

How long has it been since we broke up.. hmm.. i'd better ifnd out..
i cant type im too lazy i just want to die lol .<

i post moer later

I realized something today, and that something is..
I can only be as special as I think I am..
Which was disturbing for me to realize, because, well.. lately I havent thought of myself as anything about a severe annoyance..

There's so much I want to say, to do.. but there's so many limitations.. Limitations that I feel are being lifted, at least a little bit.
I'm happy again. I don't know why, but I like this feeling.. No, I love this feeling, it's.. exhilarating.. Thanks to that someone who made me realize this, you know who you are..

A lot of weird stuff happened today. Primarily the most effecting one is that [On Any Given Night] told me that she didn't want to be with me at all if I am still in love with someone else.
That.. disturbed me a little. o.O;'.. Anyways, I have no hard feelings against her, like my page says, she'll never be anything less than a best friend to me.

I'm not too sure what to believe regarding a certain Battle.net matter and [Ayame Whitepaws].. it's pretty much Kara's word against Jess'.. so I don't really want to side with anyone. Besides.. it's not really any of my business regardless, I was just curious. o.o;'

Kara, Jess.. I know you two have your differances.. but can you two try not to kill eachother? o.o;'.. You always seem to be right at eachothers' throats..

Anyways, I'm happy now, regardless of this stressful day. In fact.. I think I might actually dream peacefully tonight, just as someone recommended. I owe a great deal of gratitude to them, and I hope they're reading. ^-^

Also.. I'd like to say..
Jess, Kara... I love you both, regardless of your feelings or oppinions of me.. alright?

Now that that's said and done..
Goodnight!
Sweet dreams everyone, I know I'll dream sweetly, too. ^-^

I just got bitched at for theoretically nothing, *again*.
I was minding my own business, listening to music on *my* DVD player (since the computer speakers don't work) and my sister comes upstairs, sighs deeply and screams, "You're wasting it! Give me that, I want to watch a movie!" and I'm like, "...You're annoying."

So, yeah, she bitched enough that I have to give *my* DVD player to *her* even though *I'm* using it, and then she turns around and goes, "Where'd you go last night?"
And of course I don't want to say the truth, because if she knows I was out partying she'd bitch that *she* wasn't allowed to go out partying. So I go, "Out." and of course, being the nosey little brat that she is, she goes, "Where?" so I go, "Out". This cycle repeats for about a minute and a half, and then she smacks me in the back of the head, so I turned around and backhanded her in the stomach, afterwhich I get the, "Don't hit your sister!" leacture. What the hell, she hit me first! >.<!
And she's stealing my DVD player, ever think of bitching at her about that? Christ! This family is so retarded.. e.e;'

After an excruciatingly rough and difficult night of work (playing Halo 2 and Worms 3D) and various other strenuous activities (drinking Pepsi, sleeping on the *huge* fluffy couch) I have decided to take today as lightly as possible, and try my best to rest after all the wonderful work I did.

-Cough.- As you can probably guess, I had a lot of fun last night. Worms 3D is the best game ever made. I was at a friends house, and he just happens to have a GameCube and my other friend brought an Xbox. Gaming havoc all night! I went to bed at about.. 3am, so I’m a little tired, but the caffeine from the Pepsi is keeping me up I think. ^-^ Yhay for caffeine.

I realized something when I got home though.. and that something is:
We’re out of cheese. –Cries!!- e.e;’.. No grilled cheese for me, only pain and ridicule..
I was reading through my old guestbook entries, and was surprised to see some things people posted there.. Sort of depressing now, looking back.. [hendo]’s post was nice though, “wha are you”…? What the hell does that mean?

Anyways, I’m going to do some chatting, and watch some anime on my totally awesome 7” portable DVD player. ^-^ Post more later.

-Sigh.- I'm exhuasted.. I want to just curl up and go to sleep for the next few billion hours.. e.e;'

Last night I was in school, for some reason (in my dream) and the teacher was trying to tell the class that the class we were in was the most annoying achedemical course the school had to offer, and if we were smart we'd walk out while we have the chance.
God I wish there were teachers like that in real life. o.O

Wheeeeeee....
I think this whole alone thing is going to my head. o.O;'
I usually have cool dreams, but lately my dreams have been sucky.. e.e;'
Two more weeks until I get an entire glorious month of.. Thank God.. e.e;'

I'll be back at around 12:40, if I'm home any earlier it's because I get kicked out. >.< Lol.

Woot, I called in a few favors and got myself a black cat from the Giffie Pet Store. ^-^
Thanks [Big Brother]! -Huggles.-
Oh.. dont beg him for a pet.. I tried it, it doesnt work. >.o
-Cough.-

Anyways.. o.o;'
I named my pet after.. well, sorta me, sorta Jess, I dont kno. More me than Jess. O.o;' Since I'm, "eMi" which is short for "eMiKo".. but then again I used to call her my Emiko Goddess.. o.O;'
Weird, so I accidentally named it after both of us.

I haven't seen Kawakins all day, which is.. a little creapy. I hope she doesn't stop coming online for like a week like last time. I was sooo worried, lol. >.<

Zac called me a slut today! -Cries dramaticly.-
Eh? Just kidding about that crying thing.. >.>
Zac you're an asshole! XD

I did a whole crap load of page updates today, organization, editing, the works. I hope everyone likes it. Tell me what you think! >.< Better this way, or the other way? o.o;'

Anyways, I'm going to bed soon. Night all!

Doesn't it suck more than anything you find out that no matter what you do life will still tend to let you down? I mean, seriously.. I didnt even know I was this dependant on others, it kind of pisses me off. I hate it. >.< I wish I could be more independant, so that I wouldn't have to worry about being accepted by people. >.<

My dreams are still disturbed, and who can blame me, after all the crap that that's been going on. Last night I dreampt that I was walking to school, and a guy picked me up and decided to drive me, he's from my class, and we got there, learned the lesson in five minutes, and then took a flight to Japan to go visit my grandparents, even though they live in Saskatchewan.
-Sigh.- I miss my old dreams. They made a lot more sense. Like my one dream of being in an airport.. searching. -Cough.-
Why do a lot of my dreams involve technology, airports, or aircraft? >.<

One time I drempt that I hijacked a fighter jet, somehow knew how to fly it, and took went to outer space with it. >.< -Sigh.-
I'm a wierdo.

Anyways..
I have a sliver in my finger, and it hurts when I hit the delete key for some reason, which sucks for me because I hit that delete key a lot to fix my typos while I go, lol.

I miss the way life used to be, back when things were simple. e.e;'

I watched "Love Hina Again" five minutes ago. I can understand why [Ayame Whitepaws] likes Naru a little more now. The show is so kyoot. ^.^
I want Keitaro Urashima's sister's winged cat thing! That thing is awesome! So much better than the flying turtle. ^.^
But yeah, I own it now, along with the rest of my anime collection.
Wheeee! Naru finally confessed her love for that twerp Keitaro! ^.^!

My favorite anime is still Full Metal Panic! though. o.O;'
Eh? Today has been a long day... A lot of complications, a lot of problems. I lived though, whooo-hoo!

I hope [Ayame Whitepaws] isn't too mad at me about something I said earlier.. >.>
Bleh, shit happens, I'm sure she'll understand. ^.^

I wonder who actually reads this.. Everyone who reads this post me a message to tell me that you reads this! ^.^ Lol.
I'm just curious. ^.^

Time to fix a few misconceptions.

1) [On Any Given Night] *did* break up with me. No I am not looking for a new lover.
2) I *do* love [Ayame Whitepaws] as well as [On Any Given Night], that does not mean that I want to steal [Ayame Whitepaws] from [Miya].
3) The reason why I do *not* want another relationship is because [On Any Given Night] and [Ayame Whitepaws] were my two selected loved ones from the beginning. And, since true love lasts forever, I do not wish for any other loved ones.
4) I wish [Miya] and [Ayame Whitepaws] the best of luck in their relationship.
5) I did *NOT* under any cercumstances cheat on *ANYONE*.

Now that that's taken care of, I wish to give my official singleness announcement!

As I said earlier, I do not want another lover. Love is complex, annoying, selfish, and at the same time... so much fun.
However!
I do not want another relationship because I feel that I have given enough love to [On Any Given Night] and [Ayame Whitepaws] to know what love is really about.
If I ever fall in love with someone else then Yhay, good for me! But.. I do not plan on this. ^.^ I merely want to observe their happiness or sadness for the time being.. until I feel right to move on or be with one of them once again.

Alright, that about wraps things up! ^.^~

I had the lamest dream ever last night.
I was out at school or something and when I got home the entire livingroom was wired. The first thing I noticed was this music playing.. through the remote. (Dont ask) For some reason the remote was working like a wireless headphone and could play music from a speaker up to twenty miles away with a remote speaker which it doesnt really have in real life.
Then when I grabbed my cd player controller to try to shut it up, I somehow turned on every appliance in the room, along with all the lights.
For some reason, the "volume up" button seemed to turn on all the electrical equipment in the room. I was playing with it, and my CD player which normally says, "Welcome!" said, "Please Stop. What You Are Doing Is A Fire Hazard." So I was like, "psh!" and kept doing it, and the CD player went, "Warning: Continue To Abuse This Device And We Will Phone The Police..." and I was like, "...My CD player is possessed.. x.x" and nobody believed me and it was so stupid! >.< So I turned off everything (with the volume down button) and then bitched at someone I dont even know, and woke up.

o.o;'
Then I woke up. I know it's a short dream, but that's because I was only sleeping through that part of my sleep from 5-7. I had to wake up in the middle of the night. -Sigh.-
.<

Ack. I'm going to get a stomach ache just by looking around at this point.
All these people running around screaming, "I don't know who to love!"

Jesus, if you dont know that then you must be pretty stupid.
I know who I love, what's wrong with you people? It doesnt matter if the person I love isn't reachable, what matters is that I love them.
Wewt?

Now I'm going to go wallow in depression, and hopefully watch "Full Metal Panic? FUMOFFU" soon.
Yhay my dad bought ice cream today! That's totally my depression food of choice. o.o Like from scary movie where that one girl has a tub of ice cream like the size of my desk, I want one of those. >.<
(I think it was scary movie anyways..)

...
I'm dizzy and tweeking, leave me alone! O_O

Yes, I ate the cheese, and there's nothing you can do about it.

-Seeping ever deeper into insanity: Lady Skadia the Rogue. ^-^

Hi everyone.
As you may have heard I'm going to be gone for a while. I wont be posting any other messages, so listen up.
I'll be here a little bit now and again, but not much. When I am here I will be concentrating on my Trivia and "Cult" work. I wont be in any position to be in a relationship, so count that out for those of you crazy stalkers out there.
I will be back at an unknown time.
Thank you for your understanding.

-Lady Skadia the Rogue

Hello everyone.
It's been a long time since I posted in my journal, so I decided to post a little bit.
Recently I've faced a few worries about the security of my relationship with [Ayame Whitepaws], all of which have been realized to be complete and utter bullsh1t.
Me and [Ayame Whitepaws] love eachother, and that's all that matters. If Kara or Olivia want to get in our way, so be it. I'd beat both of them down in order to protect my love, which means a lot on my point of view because I used to love Kara, too.
There's currently three days until [Ayame Whitepaws] and I have our third month anniversary, which is officially the longest time we've ever managed to stay together without breaking it off for a while. Exciting for me, maybe not for the other Skadia journal readers though.

I'm a member of the EP Trivia group now, which is a new lift in my EP "career" because, well.. I've never been an important part of anything on here. o.O
I applied to become a Harbringer about four days ago, and still haven't recieved word. I guess if they dont need me, they wont communicate me. o.O

I heard that an old friend died, and it has been confirmed, which is slightly distressing to me, but I never really knew him. If I knew that Kara wasn't a spiteful little b1tch I'd pity her and try to make her happy, but last time I tried that she tried to steal me from my love.
So in other words, screw that. She's on her own. I'd rather sacrophice a friend than a lover, primarily because the friend has bad intentions to begin with.
At any rate, his name was Tyler. He was one of the people on the "cuties of Elftown" wiki, if I remembered the Wiki name correctly.
Anyways, I will miss him slightly, but not noticably.. I dont mean to seem cold.. but it's like..
You know when a grandparent dies, and your entire family is in mourning.. and you feel bad for them, but there's nothing you can do because you have never even met him? Yeah, it's like that, only I've met him. He almost stole my [Ayame Whitepaws] from me once, which gives me even less reason to admire him. He was a friend, nothing more, no potential to be more, to be strikingly blunt.
At any rate, I probably wont forget him either way. I dont have too many friends who are dead, so I try my hardest to keep track of them. Maybe some day when Jess, Kara, and I are on friendly terms instead of b1tchy terms we can go visit his gravesite or something.. you never know.

Speaking of going places.. [Ayame Whitepaws] has told me that she might be coming here for our 3rd month anniversary. I'd better keep my fingers crossed. ^.^

Hmm.. my brother is coming home tomorrow from his extended trip to the United States, Colorado to be exact. Which means.. less time for me to be online. I guess it's unavoidable in some ways.
However, over the summer I'll still be able to come on a lot, probably. Because, well, he works, and I'm too lazy to get a job. Wewt. Hopefully by then [Ayame Whitepaws] will have that computer she is hoping to get.. I cant wait till I can talk to her whenever we want instead of on library hours, lol.

Anyways, that about covers all the updates, thanks for reading. ^.^

-Lady Skadia the Rogue.

Current Mood: Docile
Current Music: Background music from computer lab. Someones overly loud headphones. Apparently crappy music.

-Sigh.- I miss my Jessica so much. :\
I never thought it would suck this bad going on for a day without her.. -Double sigh..- I miss her so much..

As you all can probably tell both me and my beautiful love Jessica have placed notes about eachother on our pages, and hulariously enough not too much about ourselves. :P
Hehehe.. just shows where our priorities currently lie! <33!

I love her so much. To think... in another.. say.. 6-7 hours I'll be able to see here again, hopefully.. I cant wait.. these are going to be the longest 6-7 hours of my life.. >.<

I so want my beautiful Mistwess Jessica here.. I wanna snuggle..
See how mopey I get without her? >.<
Bleh..

I heard that an old friend of mine, Tyler, has passed away.. for some reason I am compelled to discard the information.. I just cant see a guy like that dying for no apparent reason, you know? Besides, apparently he is/was the "God of Men" so.. God would have to have the sickest sense of humour possibile to take the "God of Men" away. :P Lols.

Anyways.. none of that is relevent at the moment anyways.. what's relevent is my severe withdrawl of Jess. >.< I need need need need to see my love sooooon.. Or I'll start halucinating and tweeking like a meth addict who's trying to quit, haha. ^.^

Anywayz, gotsa goes now.. Need to find something to do.. besides think about and worship my beautiful goddess.. haha. ^.^

G'night everyone.

Current Mood: Bored and Jess-longing.
Current Music: Eyes On Me Techno Remix - Faye Wong (FFVIII song.)

-Sigh.- Where'd Jess go?
She's not here today, she's usually here. -Slightly worried.-
I'm so bored without her.. and helpless.. haha. XD

Anyways, I watched an anime that I absolutely refused to watch before called Full Metal Panic, and after seeing the first four episodes I decided that I liked it. I hate it when that happens. You avoid something for so long because of biast judgement oppinions, and then when someone finally gets you to try it or see it or whatever, you decide you like it. It makes me feel retarded, lol. >.<
Whoa, holy crap. Jess is on! ~*Noticed her name on the "Last Logins" list.*~ :P

I'll post more later!

Hihi everyone. I'm on one of THOSE moods. You know, the moods where you serverely wish to see your loved one, which is my case is the amazingly beautiful kyoot and intelligent [Ayame Whitepaws], but cannot see her due to cercumstances out of your control. Bleh. Shyte happens, I guess, and life goes on.

I gotta say though.. I don't really like admitting this publicly, but really, check out the picture she added to her site, it's friggen sexy. -Drools dramaticly.-
Yeah, as you can tell I'm in one of ThOsE moods too!-Wink, wink!-

Anyways!
Bored out of my bloody mind, and going through severe love withdrawls, I really need to see my [Ayame Whitepaws] at least once a day or else my withdrawls to my Jess-addiction make me feel crazy. o.O

-Sigh.- I hope she logs on soon. Then I can yiff the hell out of her. XD Lol, just playin'. (Or am I..?)

Okays, time to go find something to do. Lub yah Jess. <3