Jessica (Lilly) Keener: your my friend.. ~smiles weakly~

...Those words.. were the last thing I'm ever going to think of when I tell myself that I love her.. And I do..
I'm crying.. so hard..
Worthless sack of garbage.. that's all..

I am only her friend... why did she lead me on..? Why did she make me cry for all this time..
I'll always love her.. I just dont want her near me..
She hurt her [Miya] because of me..
..I'm not worth that..

Olivia.. good luck with Jess.. she's yours for good now..
Take good care of her.. she's a great girl..
Never hurt her, and she'll remain by your side forever..

I never meant to make anyone cry.. but why am I sorry.. I know that everyone made me cry more than I made them cry.. and I know that my love made me cry the most..

Jess.. if you're reading this..
I still want you all for myself, and I always will..
Ever since last december, when my dream first entered this world.. when I first knew what love was.. up until now..
Now that I am alone and abandoned..
My heart has slipped unto the darkness.. and nothing will bring it back now.. I want no other..
My wish was repeatedly denied.. my eyes sting still with the tears of my eternal sadness..
Now, I shall never love or be loved again.. and that's the way it's meant to be.. from the beginning...

Goodbye to the Jess I knew, loved, respected, wanted to be with.. goodbye to Melly.. where my heart will always reside..

-One Last Note From Your Kitty Kat..

Okay, well.. I got my sister a PSP today, but it's technically mine until she can afford to pay me back for it. So now I have a sweet little hand-held system. -Feels special.- I'm not really much for video games though.. e.e;
I like Halo 2 though, for some reason. o.O;' I wouldn't go out and buy the new XBox or Ps3 on the spot when they came out though. >.<;'

Today was okay after a certain point.
Although everything went wrong, in the end it made everything go right. Mwahaha, I love it when everything works out.

I went a little psycho earlier, I felt like that crazy vampire chick Drusuilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. o.O;' Lol.
It scared more than just me, too. >.<;'..
Sorry for anyone who saw me like that, especially one person who saw me like that a LOT. o.o;'

On the way to Walmart we got cut off by some slimey biatch. Where do these people get their licences from? Why is it legal for hypocrites to drive? Ever heard of a gas peddal, and jesus christ, the girl took corners going 5km/h. I do mine at a min of 30km/h. I hate stupid people.

Yeah, for give me for jumping topics, but today was a little more than harsh on me.
Though what starts horribly had a happy ending. I love it. Kwe.

As for the mood about Cherry Coke, that's a story for another day. Lets just say the name implies more than meets the eye. :p

Thanks for those of my friends who are still.. well.. my friends. Especially [Big Brother], who has been helping me along the way from the very beginning. ~Hugs him.~

Well.. that about covers it.. goodnight everybody. o.o;

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I need a psychiatrist.
I just went through ten minutes of complete and total pain, and I didn't feel any of it. It was like.. my heart was broken, I was crying, but I was still smiling..
I couldn't help myself from laughing, giggling.. and I was crying.. >.<;'.. I'm seriously either lacking sleep or need to stop whatever I'm doing..

Time now seems frozen in the eyes of the heathen.. andmy body appears as an empty shell, waiting for its long deserved retribution..
The soul has climitated and disapeared, the heart has fallen to the screams and cries of my loved ones..
The only thing left for this girl is the passing darkness which now consumes her.. and the faintest hope that the light she has gathered will save her..

~*Yawns loudly.*~
It's three in the morning, and I am tired beyond belief.

Over the night I have made [Kusu] a professional [Skadia] know-it-all, because I've told him everything there is to know about my current stance when it comes to relationship issues. And yes, I was honest, for those of you who wish to know.
Dont ask me why, but I find it easier to open up to him now that we have something in common. >.<;'
Anyways, he's still an asshole, and I'm still a bitch to him, so all's calm and cheery.

Me and [Kusu] were talking about that time me and Hayden had a conversation that went like this:

Hayden: eMi, I love you.
Me: Why...?
Hayden: Because you remind me of Kara.

And then I asked Zac if he thought me and Kara were alike.. And then he got the idea that we should be rp sisters since we are sorta alike.
I was like, "Wait, wha? >.< Ionno...e.e;'.."
-Cough.- Anyways..

Yeesh.. I think I'm starting to get vision distortion from being so tired..
I need more caffiene.

Today was a scary and breathtaking day for me..

For the first time in my life I told someone that I was committing suicide for disclosure.. like a drama whore does when they want to prove something or want attention... the problem and most frghtening thing is.. I meant it...
I didn't know I could feel like this.. I didn't know I could even think this way.. I always hated people like that.. thought they were stupid.. I hate it in myself, too.. I'm scared...
Since I was ten I always said that I would never, ever threaten my own life for any reason..
What am I doing..?

-Sigh.- I'll write more in the morning when I have a clearer head..

im dizzy..
one eye crying, one eye normal..
my flesh feels overheated.. no tylenal.. need tylenal..
so tired.. need rest.. but its only 4.. i want to stay.. i cant leave yt..

i gave everything forone thing.. and almst ended up with nothing.. i need to fix things.. inedd to get everything the wa it used to be...

..need tylenal..

I really fucked myself up today..
I'm so dizzy I can hardly walk..
I feel so drained and disorientated..

Funny, I was giving someone advice yesterday not to do the exact same thing I just did..
I'm such an idiot..

[Ayame Whitepaws] is probably staying with [Miya], and [On Any Given Night] just got together with [Kusu], so it looks like I'm getting my wish of not being with anyone for a while..

How long has it been since we broke up.. hmm.. i'd better ifnd out..
i cant type im too lazy i just want to die lol .<

i post moer later

I realized something today, and that something is..
I can only be as special as I think I am..
Which was disturbing for me to realize, because, well.. lately I havent thought of myself as anything about a severe annoyance..

There's so much I want to say, to do.. but there's so many limitations.. Limitations that I feel are being lifted, at least a little bit.
I'm happy again. I don't know why, but I like this feeling.. No, I love this feeling, it's.. exhilarating.. Thanks to that someone who made me realize this, you know who you are..

A lot of weird stuff happened today. Primarily the most effecting one is that [On Any Given Night] told me that she didn't want to be with me at all if I am still in love with someone else.
That.. disturbed me a little. o.O;'.. Anyways, I have no hard feelings against her, like my page says, she'll never be anything less than a best friend to me.

I'm not too sure what to believe regarding a certain Battle.net matter and [Ayame Whitepaws].. it's pretty much Kara's word against Jess'.. so I don't really want to side with anyone. Besides.. it's not really any of my business regardless, I was just curious. o.o;'

Kara, Jess.. I know you two have your differances.. but can you two try not to kill eachother? o.o;'.. You always seem to be right at eachothers' throats..

Anyways, I'm happy now, regardless of this stressful day. In fact.. I think I might actually dream peacefully tonight, just as someone recommended. I owe a great deal of gratitude to them, and I hope they're reading. ^-^

Also.. I'd like to say..
Jess, Kara... I love you both, regardless of your feelings or oppinions of me.. alright?

Now that that's said and done..
Goodnight!
Sweet dreams everyone, I know I'll dream sweetly, too. ^-^

I just got bitched at for theoretically nothing, *again*.
I was minding my own business, listening to music on *my* DVD player (since the computer speakers don't work) and my sister comes upstairs, sighs deeply and screams, "You're wasting it! Give me that, I want to watch a movie!" and I'm like, "...You're annoying."

So, yeah, she bitched enough that I have to give *my* DVD player to *her* even though *I'm* using it, and then she turns around and goes, "Where'd you go last night?"
And of course I don't want to say the truth, because if she knows I was out partying she'd bitch that *she* wasn't allowed to go out partying. So I go, "Out." and of course, being the nosey little brat that she is, she goes, "Where?" so I go, "Out". This cycle repeats for about a minute and a half, and then she smacks me in the back of the head, so I turned around and backhanded her in the stomach, afterwhich I get the, "Don't hit your sister!" leacture. What the hell, she hit me first! >.<!
And she's stealing my DVD player, ever think of bitching at her about that? Christ! This family is so retarded.. e.e;'

After an excruciatingly rough and difficult night of work (playing Halo 2 and Worms 3D) and various other strenuous activities (drinking Pepsi, sleeping on the *huge* fluffy couch) I have decided to take today as lightly as possible, and try my best to rest after all the wonderful work I did.

-Cough.- As you can probably guess, I had a lot of fun last night. Worms 3D is the best game ever made. I was at a friends house, and he just happens to have a GameCube and my other friend brought an Xbox. Gaming havoc all night! I went to bed at about.. 3am, so I’m a little tired, but the caffeine from the Pepsi is keeping me up I think. ^-^ Yhay for caffeine.

I realized something when I got home though.. and that something is:
We’re out of cheese. –Cries!!- e.e;’.. No grilled cheese for me, only pain and ridicule..
I was reading through my old guestbook entries, and was surprised to see some things people posted there.. Sort of depressing now, looking back.. [hendo]’s post was nice though, “wha are you”…? What the hell does that mean?

Anyways, I’m going to do some chatting, and watch some anime on my totally awesome 7” portable DVD player. ^-^ Post more later.

-Sigh.- I'm exhuasted.. I want to just curl up and go to sleep for the next few billion hours.. e.e;'

Last night I was in school, for some reason (in my dream) and the teacher was trying to tell the class that the class we were in was the most annoying achedemical course the school had to offer, and if we were smart we'd walk out while we have the chance.
God I wish there were teachers like that in real life. o.O

Wheeeeeee....
I think this whole alone thing is going to my head. o.O;'
I usually have cool dreams, but lately my dreams have been sucky.. e.e;'
Two more weeks until I get an entire glorious month of.. Thank God.. e.e;'

I'll be back at around 12:40, if I'm home any earlier it's because I get kicked out. >.< Lol.

Woot, I called in a few favors and got myself a black cat from the Giffie Pet Store. ^-^
Thanks [Big Brother]! -Huggles.-
Oh.. dont beg him for a pet.. I tried it, it doesnt work. >.o
-Cough.-

Anyways.. o.o;'
I named my pet after.. well, sorta me, sorta Jess, I dont kno. More me than Jess. O.o;' Since I'm, "eMi" which is short for "eMiKo".. but then again I used to call her my Emiko Goddess.. o.O;'
Weird, so I accidentally named it after both of us.

I haven't seen Kawakins all day, which is.. a little creapy. I hope she doesn't stop coming online for like a week like last time. I was sooo worried, lol. >.<

Zac called me a slut today! -Cries dramaticly.-
Eh? Just kidding about that crying thing.. >.>
Zac you're an asshole! XD

I did a whole crap load of page updates today, organization, editing, the works. I hope everyone likes it. Tell me what you think! >.< Better this way, or the other way? o.o;'

Anyways, I'm going to bed soon. Night all!

Doesn't it suck more than anything you find out that no matter what you do life will still tend to let you down? I mean, seriously.. I didnt even know I was this dependant on others, it kind of pisses me off. I hate it. >.< I wish I could be more independant, so that I wouldn't have to worry about being accepted by people. >.<

My dreams are still disturbed, and who can blame me, after all the crap that that's been going on. Last night I dreampt that I was walking to school, and a guy picked me up and decided to drive me, he's from my class, and we got there, learned the lesson in five minutes, and then took a flight to Japan to go visit my grandparents, even though they live in Saskatchewan.
-Sigh.- I miss my old dreams. They made a lot more sense. Like my one dream of being in an airport.. searching. -Cough.-
Why do a lot of my dreams involve technology, airports, or aircraft? >.<

One time I drempt that I hijacked a fighter jet, somehow knew how to fly it, and took went to outer space with it. >.< -Sigh.-
I'm a wierdo.

Anyways..
I have a sliver in my finger, and it hurts when I hit the delete key for some reason, which sucks for me because I hit that delete key a lot to fix my typos while I go, lol.

I miss the way life used to be, back when things were simple. e.e;'

I watched "Love Hina Again" five minutes ago. I can understand why [Ayame Whitepaws] likes Naru a little more now. The show is so kyoot. ^.^
I want Keitaro Urashima's sister's winged cat thing! That thing is awesome! So much better than the flying turtle. ^.^
But yeah, I own it now, along with the rest of my anime collection.
Wheeee! Naru finally confessed her love for that twerp Keitaro! ^.^!

My favorite anime is still Full Metal Panic! though. o.O;'
Eh? Today has been a long day... A lot of complications, a lot of problems. I lived though, whooo-hoo!

I hope [Ayame Whitepaws] isn't too mad at me about something I said earlier.. >.>
Bleh, shit happens, I'm sure she'll understand. ^.^

I wonder who actually reads this.. Everyone who reads this post me a message to tell me that you reads this! ^.^ Lol.
I'm just curious. ^.^

Time to fix a few misconceptions.

1) [On Any Given Night] *did* break up with me. No I am not looking for a new lover.
2) I *do* love [Ayame Whitepaws] as well as [On Any Given Night], that does not mean that I want to steal [Ayame Whitepaws] from [Miya].
3) The reason why I do *not* want another relationship is because [On Any Given Night] and [Ayame Whitepaws] were my two selected loved ones from the beginning. And, since true love lasts forever, I do not wish for any other loved ones.
4) I wish [Miya] and [Ayame Whitepaws] the best of luck in their relationship.
5) I did *NOT* under any cercumstances cheat on *ANYONE*.

Now that that's taken care of, I wish to give my official singleness announcement!

As I said earlier, I do not want another lover. Love is complex, annoying, selfish, and at the same time... so much fun.
However!
I do not want another relationship because I feel that I have given enough love to [On Any Given Night] and [Ayame Whitepaws] to know what love is really about.
If I ever fall in love with someone else then Yhay, good for me! But.. I do not plan on this. ^.^ I merely want to observe their happiness or sadness for the time being.. until I feel right to move on or be with one of them once again.

Alright, that about wraps things up! ^.^~

I had the lamest dream ever last night.
I was out at school or something and when I got home the entire livingroom was wired. The first thing I noticed was this music playing.. through the remote. (Dont ask) For some reason the remote was working like a wireless headphone and could play music from a speaker up to twenty miles away with a remote speaker which it doesnt really have in real life.
Then when I grabbed my cd player controller to try to shut it up, I somehow turned on every appliance in the room, along with all the lights.
For some reason, the "volume up" button seemed to turn on all the electrical equipment in the room. I was playing with it, and my CD player which normally says, "Welcome!" said, "Please Stop. What You Are Doing Is A Fire Hazard." So I was like, "psh!" and kept doing it, and the CD player went, "Warning: Continue To Abuse This Device And We Will Phone The Police..." and I was like, "...My CD player is possessed.. x.x" and nobody believed me and it was so stupid! >.< So I turned off everything (with the volume down button) and then bitched at someone I dont even know, and woke up.

o.o;'
Then I woke up. I know it's a short dream, but that's because I was only sleeping through that part of my sleep from 5-7. I had to wake up in the middle of the night. -Sigh.-
.<

Ack. I'm going to get a stomach ache just by looking around at this point.
All these people running around screaming, "I don't know who to love!"

Jesus, if you dont know that then you must be pretty stupid.
I know who I love, what's wrong with you people? It doesnt matter if the person I love isn't reachable, what matters is that I love them.
Wewt?

Now I'm going to go wallow in depression, and hopefully watch "Full Metal Panic? FUMOFFU" soon.
Yhay my dad bought ice cream today! That's totally my depression food of choice. o.o Like from scary movie where that one girl has a tub of ice cream like the size of my desk, I want one of those. >.<
(I think it was scary movie anyways..)

...
I'm dizzy and tweeking, leave me alone! O_O

Yes, I ate the cheese, and there's nothing you can do about it.

-Seeping ever deeper into insanity: Lady Skadia the Rogue. ^-^