You'll know if this part of my entry is addressed to you by the way I'm talking. :p

I'm bored.
Your head games now bore me.
Did it ever occor to you that no matter what you attempted I will still love her?
Hmm.. Hopefully it does now!

And guess what? I may seem to have given in to heathenism and given up.. but truth be told, I will never give up, because she told me never to give up. Satisfied yet?

Now that you've done everything to push me away, to seporate us, to throw me out the door.. I'm only happy to say, "farewell".
Knowing that tomorrow brings happier days, and a few tomorrows from now, I may be able to be happy again.

Also..
I've concidered other people, just as [Miya] did, so no, I'm not this ruthless self serving bitch you've all described me as.
Hmm.. welcome to my world, I don't think you'll like it here, it's very unfriendly to people who try to take my heart apart piece by piece.

Now I'm going to bed, and hopefully having a nice dream about something that is honestly none of your business.



This part is for the person I love.

Hmm.. I hope you had a good rest. o.o;' You never did answer my question, but my intuition says I'm right. ^-^"
It's.. somewhat of a relief.. I guess..

Sorry if I'm causing you any trouble.. >.<;' I honestly don't mean to..
Anyways..! Keep in mind what I said today..
I'm through with the brave face in the heart of pain.. >.o;'..

I wub wu foweber..
I'm glad you liked my gift for you..



This is addressed to my REAL best friends.

Thank you [The Darkest Star.].. especially for today.. keep in touch, okay? You're the best.. ~Hugs.~
Helping you was not a problem, so don't worry about it!

Umm.. John.. I forget your EP name.. but.. thanks for being with me.. at my side.. for two years..

And.. [Big Brother]..
Thanks for trying to help me recently, it means a lot.



Anyways, it seems early, but I really have to stop typing here. Ttyl. :p

It seems that myself and [The Darkest Star.] have more in common, even love troubles. >.<
Whoa, I guess my Ebil Kitty Appwentice knows more about me than I thought. :p

Only a short time until one month of being ditched, as [Miya] so bluntly put it..
But then, what is a month really?
A month of tears, a month of laughter, a month of pain, a month of sadness, a month of happiness..
A month is a month, regardless of status.. It's gone by so fast..
~Sigh.~ I need a new hobby.. people probably think I don't even love [Ayame Whitepaws].. that I'm just infatuated with her or something..
~Sigh.~ As a wise person once told me (today),
"I know it's really easy to say but...don't shed tears for hear. Don't give her the pleasure of knowing that you cry about her, cry for her. You shouldn't be crying about someone who can so easily shrug you off. If I had you, I wouldn't be able to do that, so i don't see how she can... But I wouldn't cry, not for her, not for love..."
And she is absolutely right..

Love is terrible. Love is evil. Love is bad..
I don't want to be in love, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot just give up and take that advice.. ~Sigh.~
I guess if I keep this up [Ayame Whitepaws] will hate me forever.
Meh..

Somebody shoot me now.

Hmm.. me and Kara have dramaticly removed eachother, too bad.. Oh well, she's too blind to see me through it all..
She just gave up when it seemed like the opportunity arised. -Sigh.-

Hurtful truth is, I really did love her.
however.. I would never let that get in the way of my true love.. maybe that's why she stopped caring.
Meh.

Now I have truly given up everything for [Ayame Whitepaws].
Only waiting for the main event.

Hmm..
I wonder what my ex would do in my situation.. not [Ayame Whitepaws], I mean [On Any Given Night].
She'd probably just throw in the white flag and pretend it didn't bother her any.. afterall, giving up is one of her main qualities, just as she gave up on me, Sean, Hayden, and now Zac, I think.
Hmm.. I'm seeing a pattern here!
I wonder if she's ever fallen in love, do you think so?
I'm not so sure. If she fell in love with anyone I'd say it was probably Tyler. But who knows, I don't really know her anymore.

Perhaps I'm not being myself in saying this, or perhaps I'm being more myself than I ever have been..
Goodbye to my old friends from Battle.net. Since you don't need me, I don't need you interfearing with who I care about anymore.

Good luck in your adventure as you continue to push people away.

~Smiles briefly.~
Nevermind, I guess I was wrong, [On Any Given Night] doesn't even know the slightest thing about how I feel.

Yeah, maybe she's right, I am acting pitiful, and I may be picking at her cousin.. but is that really my intent?
Oh, by the way, me and Jess lasted three months, so the time would need to be tripled, Kara. By the way, thanks for trying to rub in that fact.
Besides, as I said, it's almost time to stop crying..

I'm almost finished..
Everything is drawing to a close..

Love, by definition: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

Hmm.. I feel all of that.. except the "oneness" part..
Love is described as either the best, or the worse feeling in a world.

The saying, "All good things must come to an end" seems suiting of this situation.. although I do not believe in the phrase..
However, to every bad there is a good, and that is what I do believe.
Perhaps soon I'll be happy again.. you never know..

My tears have recieved little recognition from anyone, and no matter how I try, I cannot seem to do what it is I wish. And here I thought that if you tried hard enough, anything was accessable.

Hopefully soon I will be able to love and be loved, as I once was long ago..
As [Ayame Whitepaws] once said to her new love, "My heart is forever entwined with hers," as is mine, but to a different person than the one [Ayame Whitepaws]chose.
I'm sure you all know who I speak of, [Ayame Whitepaws] herself.

I'm eagerly awaiting the day when life can return to the way life is meant to be lived, however.. the future still seems to be a mystery.. The most apparent resolution seems to be loneliness and despair for me.
Wow, me and [On Any Given Night] both seem to have somewhat similar problems. >.<;'..

I grieve the loss of this love, but I will refuse to move on, no matter what it costs me.

You all probably think I'm a slut by now, trying to be with a girl who's already dating someone...
Let me ask you this: Does a slut sell everything off to one person, just for one single chance to have that one person they love more than anything back?
I didn't think so.

[Miya], congratulations on being with the most wonderful girl in the world, however..
If you ever hurt her as I have, then you'd better hope that I'm not still here..

Speaking of me not being here, I've attempted to leave, repeatedly, actually.
[Ayame Whitepaws], however, stopped me every single time. Thanks Wub, there's your proof that you're my everything.

Furthermore..
A special thank you to [The Darkest Star.] and [Big Brother] for being on my side the entire time.. you two are awesome..

[On Any Given Night], I'm sorry to hear that you and [Kusu] are going through a rough time, I guess now you can understand how I feel a little better now..

~Sigh.~ Love, at the moment, is the most painful thing this world can offer..
I've already offered everything to love that I have to offer, if love doesn't take the bait, then this will continue being my harsh reality.
I've followed my heart, and it lead me here, regardless of everything that's happened.
I will continue to allow my heart to guide me, just as my true love dictates.

Countdown: 5 days until I've been waiting a month to be wif my love again.. o.o;'

I'm... going to be honest..
I spent the time from my last entry until now crying in my room.. and I feel like crap..

Love hurts so much.. I don't want to be in love ever again..

My dad walked in on me crying..
He asked me what was wrong..
I told him..
Jess, everything.. I told him..
He just hugged me and told me that everything would be okay..
He didn't even seem suprised in who I chose to love..
...I like my dad... He's my main link to this family..

My eyes hurt from crying into the fan.. and my dog is sick of me holding her and pouting..
I need..
I don't know..

Jessica (Lilly) Keener: your my friend.. ~smiles weakly~

...Those words.. were the last thing I'm ever going to think of when I tell myself that I love her.. And I do..
I'm crying.. so hard..
Worthless sack of garbage.. that's all..

I am only her friend... why did she lead me on..? Why did she make me cry for all this time..
I'll always love her.. I just dont want her near me..
She hurt her [Miya] because of me..
..I'm not worth that..

Olivia.. good luck with Jess.. she's yours for good now..
Take good care of her.. she's a great girl..
Never hurt her, and she'll remain by your side forever..

I never meant to make anyone cry.. but why am I sorry.. I know that everyone made me cry more than I made them cry.. and I know that my love made me cry the most..

Jess.. if you're reading this..
I still want you all for myself, and I always will..
Ever since last december, when my dream first entered this world.. when I first knew what love was.. up until now..
Now that I am alone and abandoned..
My heart has slipped unto the darkness.. and nothing will bring it back now.. I want no other..
My wish was repeatedly denied.. my eyes sting still with the tears of my eternal sadness..
Now, I shall never love or be loved again.. and that's the way it's meant to be.. from the beginning...

Goodbye to the Jess I knew, loved, respected, wanted to be with.. goodbye to Melly.. where my heart will always reside..

-One Last Note From Your Kitty Kat..

Okay, well.. I got my sister a PSP today, but it's technically mine until she can afford to pay me back for it. So now I have a sweet little hand-held system. -Feels special.- I'm not really much for video games though.. e.e;
I like Halo 2 though, for some reason. o.O;' I wouldn't go out and buy the new XBox or Ps3 on the spot when they came out though. >.<;'

Today was okay after a certain point.
Although everything went wrong, in the end it made everything go right. Mwahaha, I love it when everything works out.

I went a little psycho earlier, I felt like that crazy vampire chick Drusuilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. o.O;' Lol.
It scared more than just me, too. >.<;'..
Sorry for anyone who saw me like that, especially one person who saw me like that a LOT. o.o;'

On the way to Walmart we got cut off by some slimey biatch. Where do these people get their licences from? Why is it legal for hypocrites to drive? Ever heard of a gas peddal, and jesus christ, the girl took corners going 5km/h. I do mine at a min of 30km/h. I hate stupid people.

Yeah, for give me for jumping topics, but today was a little more than harsh on me.
Though what starts horribly had a happy ending. I love it. Kwe.

As for the mood about Cherry Coke, that's a story for another day. Lets just say the name implies more than meets the eye. :p

Thanks for those of my friends who are still.. well.. my friends. Especially [Big Brother], who has been helping me along the way from the very beginning. ~Hugs him.~

Well.. that about covers it.. goodnight everybody. o.o;

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I need a psychiatrist.
I just went through ten minutes of complete and total pain, and I didn't feel any of it. It was like.. my heart was broken, I was crying, but I was still smiling..
I couldn't help myself from laughing, giggling.. and I was crying.. >.<;'.. I'm seriously either lacking sleep or need to stop whatever I'm doing..

Time now seems frozen in the eyes of the heathen.. andmy body appears as an empty shell, waiting for its long deserved retribution..
The soul has climitated and disapeared, the heart has fallen to the screams and cries of my loved ones..
The only thing left for this girl is the passing darkness which now consumes her.. and the faintest hope that the light she has gathered will save her..

~*Yawns loudly.*~
It's three in the morning, and I am tired beyond belief.

Over the night I have made [Kusu] a professional [Skadia] know-it-all, because I've told him everything there is to know about my current stance when it comes to relationship issues. And yes, I was honest, for those of you who wish to know.
Dont ask me why, but I find it easier to open up to him now that we have something in common. >.<;'
Anyways, he's still an asshole, and I'm still a bitch to him, so all's calm and cheery.

Me and [Kusu] were talking about that time me and Hayden had a conversation that went like this:

Hayden: eMi, I love you.
Me: Why...?
Hayden: Because you remind me of Kara.

And then I asked Zac if he thought me and Kara were alike.. And then he got the idea that we should be rp sisters since we are sorta alike.
I was like, "Wait, wha? >.< Ionno...e.e;'.."
-Cough.- Anyways..

Yeesh.. I think I'm starting to get vision distortion from being so tired..
I need more caffiene.

Today was a scary and breathtaking day for me..

For the first time in my life I told someone that I was committing suicide for disclosure.. like a drama whore does when they want to prove something or want attention... the problem and most frghtening thing is.. I meant it...
I didn't know I could feel like this.. I didn't know I could even think this way.. I always hated people like that.. thought they were stupid.. I hate it in myself, too.. I'm scared...
Since I was ten I always said that I would never, ever threaten my own life for any reason..
What am I doing..?

-Sigh.- I'll write more in the morning when I have a clearer head..

im dizzy..
one eye crying, one eye normal..
my flesh feels overheated.. no tylenal.. need tylenal..
so tired.. need rest.. but its only 4.. i want to stay.. i cant leave yt..

i gave everything forone thing.. and almst ended up with nothing.. i need to fix things.. inedd to get everything the wa it used to be...

..need tylenal..

I really fucked myself up today..
I'm so dizzy I can hardly walk..
I feel so drained and disorientated..

Funny, I was giving someone advice yesterday not to do the exact same thing I just did..
I'm such an idiot..

[Ayame Whitepaws] is probably staying with [Miya], and [On Any Given Night] just got together with [Kusu], so it looks like I'm getting my wish of not being with anyone for a while..

How long has it been since we broke up.. hmm.. i'd better ifnd out..
i cant type im too lazy i just want to die lol .<

i post moer later

I realized something today, and that something is..
I can only be as special as I think I am..
Which was disturbing for me to realize, because, well.. lately I havent thought of myself as anything about a severe annoyance..

There's so much I want to say, to do.. but there's so many limitations.. Limitations that I feel are being lifted, at least a little bit.
I'm happy again. I don't know why, but I like this feeling.. No, I love this feeling, it's.. exhilarating.. Thanks to that someone who made me realize this, you know who you are..

A lot of weird stuff happened today. Primarily the most effecting one is that [On Any Given Night] told me that she didn't want to be with me at all if I am still in love with someone else.
That.. disturbed me a little. o.O;'.. Anyways, I have no hard feelings against her, like my page says, she'll never be anything less than a best friend to me.

I'm not too sure what to believe regarding a certain Battle.net matter and [Ayame Whitepaws].. it's pretty much Kara's word against Jess'.. so I don't really want to side with anyone. Besides.. it's not really any of my business regardless, I was just curious. o.o;'

Kara, Jess.. I know you two have your differances.. but can you two try not to kill eachother? o.o;'.. You always seem to be right at eachothers' throats..

Anyways, I'm happy now, regardless of this stressful day. In fact.. I think I might actually dream peacefully tonight, just as someone recommended. I owe a great deal of gratitude to them, and I hope they're reading. ^-^

Also.. I'd like to say..
Jess, Kara... I love you both, regardless of your feelings or oppinions of me.. alright?

Now that that's said and done..
Goodnight!
Sweet dreams everyone, I know I'll dream sweetly, too. ^-^

I just got bitched at for theoretically nothing, *again*.
I was minding my own business, listening to music on *my* DVD player (since the computer speakers don't work) and my sister comes upstairs, sighs deeply and screams, "You're wasting it! Give me that, I want to watch a movie!" and I'm like, "...You're annoying."

So, yeah, she bitched enough that I have to give *my* DVD player to *her* even though *I'm* using it, and then she turns around and goes, "Where'd you go last night?"
And of course I don't want to say the truth, because if she knows I was out partying she'd bitch that *she* wasn't allowed to go out partying. So I go, "Out." and of course, being the nosey little brat that she is, she goes, "Where?" so I go, "Out". This cycle repeats for about a minute and a half, and then she smacks me in the back of the head, so I turned around and backhanded her in the stomach, afterwhich I get the, "Don't hit your sister!" leacture. What the hell, she hit me first! >.<!
And she's stealing my DVD player, ever think of bitching at her about that? Christ! This family is so retarded.. e.e;'

After an excruciatingly rough and difficult night of work (playing Halo 2 and Worms 3D) and various other strenuous activities (drinking Pepsi, sleeping on the *huge* fluffy couch) I have decided to take today as lightly as possible, and try my best to rest after all the wonderful work I did.

-Cough.- As you can probably guess, I had a lot of fun last night. Worms 3D is the best game ever made. I was at a friends house, and he just happens to have a GameCube and my other friend brought an Xbox. Gaming havoc all night! I went to bed at about.. 3am, so I’m a little tired, but the caffeine from the Pepsi is keeping me up I think. ^-^ Yhay for caffeine.

I realized something when I got home though.. and that something is:
We’re out of cheese. –Cries!!- e.e;’.. No grilled cheese for me, only pain and ridicule..
I was reading through my old guestbook entries, and was surprised to see some things people posted there.. Sort of depressing now, looking back.. [hendo]’s post was nice though, “wha are you”…? What the hell does that mean?

Anyways, I’m going to do some chatting, and watch some anime on my totally awesome 7” portable DVD player. ^-^ Post more later.