furiously shaking
my heart beat racing
resisting the temptaion
i want to cut
to slice
to scar
i want to watch the blood drip onto the floor
why cant he just go away?
why cant he hear what i say
leave me alone
just go away!
i hate him more and more each day
why do i let him get to me
what did i ever see?
i want to hit the wall
catch me someone,im about to fall
he cant hurt me
he only only affect me
when i let him get to me
so why do i?
furious tears that he made me cry
i dont know why
why?
why does this have to be?
i hate him
cant he see?

i dont think i have ever been this mad!i hate john and i hope he knows it!i was doing fine and that ass had to go and start shit wioth me again!i hate him!!!!!!!!!im am seriously shaking on the verge of furious tears and i want to punch something!!he told me to stop talking shit!wtf!!!me talking shit?um hello i think he has been looking in the mirror a bit too much lately b/c he has everything backwards!i havent said shit to him or about him!so he needs to leave me the fuck alone that sceiving little asshole!i never did shit to him even though he has hutrt me so badi het him!!!!i hope he dies and drops off the earht!!!i want to fucking slice my wrists open and watch them bleed rite now and feel the pain bleeding out of me!my wrist is knumb from snapping a rubberband on it so hard so manyt times!i kept my promises and never hurt him!never!!!and i dont know why he thinks he has to came and start shit with me rite now !!i was doing fine!i was happy and i was great and thenn h e had just had to message me and now i want to castrate the mother fucker i know he lied to me i know alot of shit about him that he dont want me to know and that he doesnt know i know!!!!!!!!i hate him !!!!!!!!!!!!!!he is the reason they invernted that word!i loathe him!i want to murder him and stranglew himmaybe he will learen afterwards not to fuck with a red head!!!!!!!!!!!

why are you lying to me?i know you arew,im just affraid to say something i dont want to ruin everything..but i know i can feel it i know your lying..why? whyt are you lying to me?about what?i have been completely honest with you and yewt you arent with me...why are you lying...what for as long as you tell me the truth i will be fine no matter what it is...fighting back tears as i know your hiding something yet i dont know what...yet that is..i will find out i will, i always do...just make this feeling stop and go away..i feel sick when you lye to me so i instantly know and your hurting me more when you lye...just tell me the truth and i will forgive you..please..

ok,im officially pagan,if you dont like it then go fuck a duck just because im pagan now doesnt mean im a different person i just have different religious beliefs.and btw IF YOU ARE PAGAN YOU DO NOT WORSHIP THE DEVIL,THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A GOD OR DEVIL IN THIS RELIGION!OK!AND DONT TELL ME IM GOING TO HELL BECAUSE I CANT GO TO HELL IF I DONT BELIEVE IN IT!!!AND BTW ALSO PAGAN IS A EARTH BASED RELIGION THAT IS ALMOST AS OLD AS THE EARTH AND ALOT OF IDEAS THAT CHRISTIANS USE ARE BASED FROM OUR TRADITIONS IE. THE X-MAS TREE...and if you judge me any differently becazuse of my religion then dont talk to me i dont want to put up with this shit..ok?!buh bye!

i hate the fact that i always know more than i should.i mean yeah its nice but its a curse aometimes.i mean when you know something is about to happen and you cant do anything but watch your friend get hurt because you promised someone that you wouldnt say anything about anything to that person or anyone else.i have no choice but to sit and watch drama start between 3 very good friends,knowing very well that atleast one was going to get her heart broken.im carfeful who i trust.ask sam,i always know when someone,well a good friend,is talking shit about me behind my back.whether i get a premonition or a "feeling" or i hear it from many of my sorces or connections,i alway know.i hate it when you know something but you ant do anything about it...its the worst feeling inmn the world,well one of the worst feelings in the world.almost every boyfriend i have had has cheated on me and lied to me,well the truth is,ive always know that they were or already have done that,i knew when they lied,i knew when they cheated...im very smart,i can figure it out...that or ask around..someone always knows something...you just have to figure out who it is.i feel really sick rite now...im guessing its a feeling" trying to warn me but i cant figure out what its for...i hope it has nothing to do with john...because i told him one more chance and i meant it..if it has anything to do with what happened at chruch last nite,thats gonna suck but atleast it isnt about john..im not sure anymore about anything,im very confused...i dunno...i guess ill have to wait and figure it out..

running but getting nowhere..

my life feels like its about to come to an end
my heart is broken and will never mend
after you i give in
my streak of bad luck will never end
heart broken
so many things unspoken
i dont want to relive the past
tried of looking through this mask
want to move on with this life
cant move on so i use a knife
it saves me and makes me knumb
motionless on the floor
im laying,staring at the door
i want to end this useless life
i want to stop it in a stife
but it wont let me end this
theres something that it dont want me to miss
a life full of nothing
yet worth everthing
dont want this life anymore
i lay on the floor
staring at the door..
looking for an escape
running but going no where
why wont it let me get there?

running but getting nowhere..

my life feels like its about to come to an end
my heart is broken and will never mend
after you i give in
my streak of bad luck will never end
heart broken
so many things unspoken
i dont want to relive the past
tried of looking through this mask
want to move on with this life
cant move on so i use a knife
it saves me and makes me knumb
motionless on the floor
im laying,staring at the door
i want to end this useless life
i want to stop it in a stife
but it wont let me end this
theres something that it dont want me to miss
a life full of nothing
yet worth everthing
dont want this life anymore
i lay on the floor
staring at the door..
looking for an escape
running but going no where
why wont it let me get there?

running but getting nowhere..

my life feels like its about to come to an end
my heart is broken and will never mend
after you i give in
my streak of bad luck will never end
heart broken
so many things unspoken
i dont want to relive the past
tried of looking through this mask
want to move on with this life
cant move on so i use a knife
it saves me and makes me knumb
motionless on the floor
im laying,staring at the door
i want to end this useless life
i want to stop it in a stife
but it wont let me end this
theres something that it dont want me to miss
a life full of nothing
yet worth everthing
dont want this life anymore
i lay on the floor
staring at the door..
looking for an escape
running but going no where
why wont it let me get there?

ugh!i cant stand this chick[hjkjkl] i cant believe she actually thinks she can steal john away from me,he dont like her,i know that he was hitting on you and flirting with other chicks and he even cybered with a couple,thats why we broke up,that is in the past,now we are back together and he promised me,he swore on his life that he would never do it again,so you an back off bitch,i dont blame him for the chicks that hit on him but i do blame him for all the chicks he hits on,EVERY SINGLE GUY i have EVER DATED has screwd me over(except for one and he knows who he is and i thank him for not cheating on me,even though we couldnt work it out,your still my friend) but anyways,all the guys i fall for are assholes!!im cursed..i always know right before the are gonna fuck up,i can feel it,i just know,heres a tip,i always know more than i shoould,and you cant hide anything from me,i always find out,its the truth,dont fuking lie to me,save your self the breath and tell the truth b/c i can tell when you lie,im very smart and very "gifted" i know and see and feel alot...i am afraid of gettinghurt and every guy i date hurts me,john is one of them but i really like him so i gave him another chance,we broke up over what he did,and what he did is in the past,im trying to learn to let go of the past and move on and sexie mama,you arent helping,if you read this sexie mama,dont message me b/c ive blocked yoou,im sick of the drama you start,you fuk with every ones peace...and thats why so many people are mad at you...maybe if you left people alone theyd be nice to you...just a thought..and everyone else that reads this,if you have a problem you can talk to me but i dont want messages saying you can relate to how i feel,i know alot of people can,message me if you want to talk about your problem,but if u just wanna talk about mine,im not interested,thanks to you [hjkjkl] i am in a bad mood again and now drama is back in my life,i was doing fine yill you had to ruin everything...and now alot of my friends have gotten to see my bad side and i didnt want anyone to see me when im pissed b/c im not very nice and i didnt want them to think bad of me but i dont are anymore...you can go die or something,just stay outa mine and johns life...`

hey,wow im so happy,i finally created a wiki and its going very well and a friend of mine [~Lust~] said he'd make a wiki banner for me since i cant draw worth a flying flip!i can write poetry and songs but i cant drawl...i once got 2nd place in the roedo art fair thing in 5th grade but after that i gave up on drawling and stuck to singing and writting,im alot better at that...if your reading this please do me a favor and if you arent already a member become one,just message me and ill give you the temporary pasword so you can add you name and then you dont have to let me know b/c im watching the wiki so i'll know when you do so i can just change to page...wow that sounded kinda creepy stalker -ish...lol...nah but anyways heres a link bored wiki

um ok...here it goes...i dont think i know what love is anymore...i can say it like its nothing,well it is nothing...to me...ive lost my whole concept of life and love...it sux...my bf is awesome and i love him well i think i do,im not sure who i love or what it even is anymore...chicks keep sending him messages and some chik likes him and asked him if he'd ever go out with her,and it dont bother me,i think it would have bothered me in the past but it dont anymore...i mean it isnt his fault the chik likes him,as long as he isnt cheating on me or lieing to me im perfectly fine...i mean thats like him getting mad at me for guys hitting on me and suprisingly that happens alot...i dont know why every one keeps tewlling me in hot or sexy,i dont think i am but thats probably b/c of all the preps that have ruined my self esteem...i dunno,but i feel bad because i dont know if he means it either and i dont care...im wondering if i can ever trust someone again or if i can actually like some one again...like get attached to him..normally id b obsessd with him rite now,its all i would talk about but him im my self...which is a good thing rite?...but like i dunno...i dont think i can get attached anymore..i hope im not rite b/c i have enough problems as is...hmm...im not suspious of him fooling around or lieing to me,im not overly attached...its weird i cant describe it...

i finally got the real story outa my mom bout my dads affair...i love my mom to death but honestly i wpould have dumped him if he cheated on me...i cant respect people (generally guys) who cheat on thier boyfriend or girlfriend,let alone thier husband or wife...u cant love some one and cheat on them at thew same time,its not possible,love is something special that you share with one other person,its a special feeling that u get when you like some one so much...every boyfiriend i have had that has said i love you to me has cheated on me(well ALMOST every one)i cant respect my dad,he acts like nothing ever happened...i hate that...if he had enough balls to do that he should have enough to own up to it...my dad sits there and complains to me about my mom and mom does the same thing...i feel bad because my boyfriend lost his dad and i dont love mine and that makes me feel really bad...i keep trying to tell my mom to divorce him but she wont,he's starting to get his temper back and when hes mad its really scarey...hes thrown me against a trailor at the races last year because i didnt answer my phone and it never rang....i dont know what to do..he keeps putting on a show and im not bying it...i wish he'd stop...my sisters are clueless about it...but i suspected it all along,i found out that the other chick had seen pictures of me and my sisters and my mom but we've never seen her picture,she knew about us the whole time yet she still carried on the relationship with my dad,this is really bothering me and i cant talk about it to my mom bcuz she dont like talking about it and my dad dont know that i know and my mom wants it to stay that way...i cant believe he'd ever do something like that...ever since then i've never been able to look at my dad the same...when ever he's disappointed in me i could careless,he hurt my mom and now he thinks that because he cheated that she's gonna cheat too,he thinks she's cheating on him with jack,one of her friends at the track and i'vre seen them together and there is no chemistry between them at all...i guess i am this way because ive been cheated on and hurt by guys so many times that i have no respect for anyone like them...he actually told my mom that he thought he had found someone else and that he was thinking of leaving us..him and his girlfriend had the weekend to think about it and i guess they mutually decided to call it quits...i hate my dad for doing such a horrible thing,i never thought he'd do something like that to my mom...i know all this happened two years ago but its starting to come back because he thinks shes cheating...im afraid to get hurt so in result to that im afraid to get too attached to someone so naturally when a relationship im in gets to a certain point i start to think about the bad things about him and that hes probably about to break up with me and im always right,i can feel when some one is about to hurt me,one of my ex's i really liked cheated on me and i came to school crying two days before he cheated on me because i had a feeling that he was gonna cheat on me so all my friends threatened him that if he hurt me theyd kick his ass,well saturday,3 days after my vision he cheated on me,i taked to him sunday and we were talking as usual and he said he hoped we would last untill we graduate and we could move in together...then monday he is acting all distant and i have one of my guy friends ask him whats going on with me and him because i figured he was about to break up with me and my friend comes back and says,u were right he wants to break up with u and he said its because something happened this week end and his dad found out and was making him break up with me,and i instantly knew he really meant he cheated on me and i get a note from him in 7th and he tells me he cheated and figured that i was gonna break up with him when i found out so he did it for me and alot of bullshit about how he loves me still and he doesnt deserve me and that he should die and yeah,well than i go out with james and he breaks up with me because..a)he didnt know me very welll b)he never saw me and c)wen he did c me i was all over him...all that was a bunch of bullshit,lets just say he should have listened when i told him to leave me alone and not talk to me ever...he never saw my bad side untilkl that day...and then there was mike boff,who camed that he loved me so much that he could never cheat on me or hurt me and that we were gonnna move in together when i was of age and then i find out hes two timing me the whole time,people ketpo warning me but i was too stuborn to listen then i confronted him and he denied it....so i called his friend up and he gave me his other chicks # and we talked and he called her first since he was out of town and she read my to him and asked if he knew it and he told her it was some bitch who thought we were going out!i was pissed then he calls me 10 min. later and in a sing song voice says "its over" and hangs up .i havent talked to him since but i have a revenge plan,my friend and his "friend" plotted against him...gallagher (my bud) is telling him that i still want him and love him and hes buying all the bull shit and then gallagher is gonna take him to the track and im gonna mess with his head a bit then im gonna kick the living shit outa him...so yeah,i cant trust anyone becuase of all the shit ive been though,i wish i could and i wish i could have a long term relationship...anotherwords beet my record which is currrently 18days..pathetic i know..i think its all my fault for detaching my self....i dunno...but i can never trust my dad and i will never respect him after what he's done!

hum...im bored and theres nothing to do...so i decided to write in this thing,like anyone reads them,if they do who gives a shit...anyways im so bored im gonna log out,be back later!peace!

god damn,i swear guys have more mood swings than pregnate women!!!they can be all happy then get serious then get pissed of then happy again,and they say we're confusing!ha!they should take a look in the mirror before they say anything!

i am bored,sum one help mew,theres nothing to do!

lost in my dark depressed world by ashley moses

my life has been full of lies
my heart has been torn to sherds
my life is depressing
it make me wana cry
its everything i dred
there is so much thats giving me reason to be stressing

im in a haze
lost in a world of my own
where no one else can go
i hope tthis is just some faze
just a nightmare reshown
we think what we dont know

life is just drifting by
i feel lost
i have heard many of my friends lie
to them life is just a dance

as time flys by they begin to wear out
as i sit in my little black room
i observe all
i see everyones cause to shout
i see agony and doom
i watch as they get up and fall
i observe their lifes lessons gone wrong
i can see their trueself behind their mask
i hear the wretched thing they call their song
its a horrible task
finally silence and a long pause

im in a daze
lost in this faze
i dont want to come back to reallity
because the truth is...theres no such thing in my eyes...