Ok MAJOR vent...
the guy I really love, is going through something incredibly rough. His parents are getting divorced. Last year around this time...we met. We have been talking ever since. Until about three months ago, we had been incredibly open. Then we all of a sudden stopped talking...mainly my fault because I didn't trust him. Then when I emailed him and asked him what's up after about 2 months of not talking he told me his parents were getting a divorce... I was so upset because I had just asked him if he hated me and why, well I more like stated that he hated me. And...I love him. I'm not going to say that when other teen say they love each other that they don't mean but I think some don't. I would die for him. I would starve myself for a week. Just to hold his hand. Just to be within 5 feet of him. But alas, it is not to be. He lives in New Jersey and that's hardly 5 feet away. God, I don't think he knows...knows how I love him. Perhaps not. I wish we [w/c]ould talk. He doesn't seem to have the time. I hate how he always apologizes for not being on...it's not his fault.  And the thing is...I truely think he doesn't care very much for me anymore.  I wish I could be with him just to support him, just to be able to tell him that I love him would be enough. I hate myself. I hate it all. Why must I be so accusatory and so narrow-minded and cautious. It ruined the only relationship I'll ever have.

Haha I remember when I wrote that last entry. Well by the way it didn't work out. As usual. Oh well. And the one after that didn't work out. And so I've given up. Just sit here saying, hmmmm, wow you suck at life. LIFE!!! God damnet. And I only have 3 friends. Fabuloso. Well that's me for you. Never had and never will have a lot of friends. I just can't stand being in a huge group of people, I get confused. Oh no. Old feeling of jealousy returning. GO AWAY! Don't come back you piece of crap. Stop brain. I wish I could shut down my brain, or even better, shut down certain ideas and feelings such as jealousy. And of course the feeling that I'll never ever find someone who cares aobut me. That person just doesn't exist. Maybe in my head they do. But that's the only place. Only me and someone else has voted on my poll no idea who. Solveig says it was her but I thought it was someone else because it was there way before she said it was her. Maybe my computer's messed up. I'll just keep clicking refresh.

I hate some aspects of school. Why the flip does my brother always get in trouble?! He talks back to the teachers and it's really annoying because then I always blame myself. And then I get depressed, great. I need to practice (music) but I don't want to. This stinks. I hate how I have such a normal life, and I know it's better than most, but I still feel depressed. Damn. What the flip is up with this. Can't wait for jazz band tomorrow. Dan's gonna be there. So good. I'm glad "goingunder" has Steve. This might just work out.
No it never does.
maria