is there something ummmm like having sex without touching... like undressing someone with with your eyes??? i could picture it in my mind so well. i think i watched some form of having sex with someone without touching... not like in 40 days and 40 nights.... but your thinking it and the other persons thinking it but no one else is in tune with it. i think that i witnessed it today. im not sure. but now that im really trying to know what is happening ya know how someone had sex and things are weird after that usualy... well its kinda like that. like they hang out the next day or something... or someones talking about that other person. i dont know i dont get those intense feelings like that. i think that my feeling are somewhat ummm lessened. i dont know. something.
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when felisha and i got put in 2 ditches she cryed every time... and every other accident ive been in i stayed strong for them... when i got in my accident i cryed like i was a baby. felisha cryed sooo bad.... all those times i wanted to cry.. but i knew i had to stay strong.. make sure that everyone else was ok... within those secconds before i cryed my eyes out i looked to make sure that the person in the passenger seat was ok... i think i even remember looking in the back seat but im not sure. anyway i had to stay strong for the people in the car when there was but when there wasnt anyone i had to be strong for, to tell that itll be ok to be the one to have to think what to do next i broke down. it wasnt something that i could handle by myself i think. im not completely sure. then again i havent been completely sure about any of my feelings cince i was old enough to relize that i could control them... then again ive never really been able to control them just hide them and get rid of them in other ways.
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something else that i was thinking about having to do with my car was all my accidents.... i mean ive been in other accidents with other cars and other people but it wasnt the same as in my own car. i remember "my accident." every time i think about it i replay it all from when i was on 414(the highwayish thing) to the stop light just before the hill started to relizing that i was going off to the side to trying to save it to hitting the clutch insted of the break saving it from missing the gardrails and hitting a tree to going back on the road to no matter what i did in the split seccond i was in control to not to go back off the road to when i completely hit the gardrails.... to sitting there thinking what now OH MY GOD!!! to crying... to watching a car that was trying to stop for me almost get in their own accident, screeming out in my car to the other car what to do and getting out and not being able to breath because i was crying so hard to the cop to not being able to find my license whitch i didnt have but i did have my old license.. to having to drive the rest of the way down the hill almost getting in yet another accident.... all the events are like snapshots in my mind. all of them seperate yet so together.... like a flip book when you flip it too slow... and when i think about a certin part of my accident well two parts, when i started to loose control to the few secconds i took to realize what really happened i could hear the song... it felt like it was going so slow.... it felt like i comprehended the song yet for the life of me i couldnt remember what song it was. it was just playing and it seemed like i blacked out or something closed my eyes and just let it all happen.... but i didnt i know that i saved the car and myself from serious damage... i saved it unconcously... yet i know what i did. i felt safe.. not really safe but i dont know i couldnt explain it if i had to. i dont know... when i think about it i can feel that same thing but only for a miliseccond. it feels awesome. and yet i feel guilty to even feel joy from something that coulda hurt more people then just myself. i dont know. strange.
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today i listened to afew songs with my friend felisha. she and i use to play one tape in my car. (before it decided to die 200 miles from home) it reminded me of alot of things. one was how much fun that thing was. everyone called it the ghetto geo. it looked like shit. but gerrrarrr!!!! she was a 5 speed (standard for those of you who didnt know) 4 door and all the stuff... couldnt go over hospital hill (those of you who know about where i live.... its the most traveled hill from watkins to pretty much anywhere else) anyway i had to hit 3rd gear all the way up it just to hit 40.... but when i went down hill that bitch moved lol.... ahhh to have my ghetto geo back would be a dream and i tell you what ive never seen a car that could go over 400 miles with 1/2 a tank... damn that was a good car!!! 10 bucks filled it and you only needed 5 to get anywhere... but then again what you saved on gas you used to fixing it. but i tell you what that was a good car.
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ok and i know i already wrote one today but ive got another thing to the subject.....kinda. what if you want to die and you are getting ready to kill yourself then someone kills you. would it be the same thing? you didnt struggle or maybe you did. but you were gunna kill yourself anyway. and what would "god" think of it. in the bible it tells you that if you kill yourself then you go to hell... but you were gunna but someone did it before you did it to yourself. but then in my mind i think whats ment to be will happen.... was it ment to be that you didnt kill yourself and someone else did it for you. would it make your friends and family feel not as bad or different because you didnt kill yourself and someone else did. because well no one knew that you were gunna kill yourself because well then someone would more then likely try to stop you. its a strange thing.
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if you killed yourself when you knew you were gunna die soon anyway.... is it the same as killing yourself outright? for example, i was watching a movie about the twin towers. the people jumped and therefor killed themselves. they knew they were gunna die anyway so is their killing themselves the same as if they jumped because they were unhappy or something to that. i mean i dont think that its the same thing. your just trying not to suffer when you know that your gunna die.... pick suffering and knowing that there is no way you could ever get out of it.... i would rather kill myself and no suffer then burn up or bleed out or something to that effect. but thats just me
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im gunna be on a 19 and under softball league... i havent played cince i was 11... i dont know but i have to quit smoking and things because i can barely walk fast anymore... humph i dont know.
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brian, chet and cory are over. its 1 in the morning. we were gunna go to a party but they couldnt find a ride and my dad was being a jerk. humph. i dont know their all kinda ass holes. i kinda want them to leave but if they didnt come over then i woulda been alone all night again with my sister until 3 when she went to bed and i tryed. i dont know but they better leave before 4 or im in trouble. and i dont know what brian is doing in the camper with my sisters but im about ready to go and see... plus i kinda want the beer in there... i dont know but their annoying me because their on the computer and ummm i dont know but i feel like a grump and i wanna go out and get shit faced but no one has a ride...
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i was playing this game on yahoo games. you had to match these little fur balls with eyes... all different colors and it was just very colorful and weird. when you matched 3 or more they exploded and their eyes went into this jar. when you got the jar filled up it was caped and shaken. and then it exploded like when you shake up a soda bottle. what my point is is that you take the little furry guys eyes. and you keep them in a bottle and shake them up and on a rainbow they fly up into the air. where do all the eyes go??? and why do you have to take their eyes? why not their money or something? i know that sounds funny or whatever. but isnt the eyes the path way to the soul??? i mean if somebody took your eyes and blew you up... would it have some magical power. something that would make one person all powerful. i dont know but i think that its not right. i dont know.
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today for some reason i was thinking about something that happened when i was a child. i was coloring with one of the 3 boys i grew up with. we had like 8 or 10 or something huge crayons.... we were coloring then we decided to split them up. we split them up into "boy colors" and "girl colors." we got all the colors seporated except for the red crayon. we couldnt agree if it was a girl or boy color. i remember thinking that we grew up different so we thaught differently on that subject. but i knew that red was a girl color. and he knew that it was a boy color. i told him that it was a girl color because it was bright. he said no it was a boy color. i dont remember anything else about that day but i do remember the room like im sitting in it right now.

about the 3 boys that i grew up with. there was brent... he was i think a year older then me... maybe two. there was nick... he was about the same age as me but afew months younger then me. i always picked on him because he was shorter than me. i had a crush on him. then there was dane. the baby. he was younger then my sister but he was the heart breaker. i loved those boys like brothers but i really liked nick. hehe all i know is that it was just a little crush. i more felt that he was my brother. i remember when they straped pillows to my butt, head, arms (including elbows), legs (including knees), back, front... i felt like a big pillow. they were trying to teach me how to roller blade. we started at the back of the hallway. went past the boys rooms, the bathroom, the kitchen , the diningroom table and smashed right into the wall... the whole wall from the waist up was mirrors. we broke one. we all blamed it on my sister and the dog.
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i was invited to go to go to grassroots again last night but i didnt really wanna go. not with brian atleast. i dont know i think that riding in the car with him last time made me not wanna go again with him. and the way he drives even sober and straight is messed up. i dont know but hummmm. and the thing with felisha well she was suppose to call me but i she didnt. so i dont know whats happening. i dont know im gunna go
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i went to grassroots last night... it was sooo fun. we werent gunna go there in the first place but we went down town to get some gas to go to this party. and we saw this kid coondog... and hes cool. and i like him. anyway... we went to grassroots in a 4 person car with 5 people in it. i was squished... and well we got there and i drank alot of ice 101 and then got really really high... dont worry it was only weed... but then again at grassroots you never know what your really getting. but everyone but me and coon were looking for mushrooms. him and i were looking for weed and only did weed. but it was awesome. i was sooo high. but before that we saw oopy... i could understand him because of the way he was talking. and all night he was saying that he cant see straight. i was like yeah oopy do another line why dontcha... anyway we had to take him home too. so when we left we had 6 people in a 4 seater. wow but oopy sat in the way back with the base speaker.... anyway i puked in the back seat because they were passing arround the ice 101 and it has a real strong smell to it... mint. and we were swerving and all that. i was going crazy and i got motion sick and puked. blah. and then when we dropped off oopy and coondog we went to the lawndry mat whitch was dumb and they flirted with some hoes... the guys i was with and when the dumbasses got done and didnt get any hoes brian droped off cory and chet and dropped me off and then did whatever after... i dont know but i got something to eat and went to sleep AND IM GOING BACK TONIGHT!!!
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ok what to say what to say... well i went to bed at about 5 in the morning... and i got up about 3. we were suppose to go to this park thingy... but that got cancled i guess no one talks to me so whatever. i dont know. sometimes i feel like i cant tell people what i really thing because they expect me to think something else. and i dont want to let their thinking go to hell. and with this diary i dont feel like i can say all i want to. i cant just write whats in my head. id ont know if its just the fact that this is so public but then again i could just make it not public anymore. but also i dont feel like being smart and acctualy explaining things like i usualy do when im having a convorastion with someone. its weird
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well today i found out that one of my best friends and her boyfriend broke up... im suppose to be going out to a party or something iwth her but i dont know. you gotta know her to know what may or maynot happen. but the weirdest thing is that her x is calling me to just talk and shit like that. i mean i dont hate him but i never really consitered him a friend or anything. i dont know. things are just kinda weird right now. im talking to him right now. he said earlyer that its so weird being alone so he asked me if i mind that he called me. i was like i really dont care if he does. i mean i dont. hes got alot of party connections and other things like pot and shit like that but i dont know. things are weird. hummmmm ill write what happens tonight.
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As usual... i cant sleep. but dont worry about me thats nothing different. just get to stay up and annoyingly not talk to anyone important but myself. im watching daria. mels playing on the other computer. we havent said a word to eachother in about a hr. and when we did talk before the hr i asked her if she wanted to watch a movie with me. she said she would watch some with me but she never did. mel just went to bed and she didnt say a word to me. i dont know some things are more important to me then other people. i think i may read into things more then other people. but maybe its just that im a girl. do all girls think like i do??? i dont know.
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well its my first time having a house. i like it. i think this site will be my number one site from now on. well im gunna go now
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