i wanna die please god let me die!!!! my ex-called me last night and i still love him evn though he broke my heart ovr and ovr again and he was tellin me how much he loved me and that he was only happy whn he was w/me and i told him thr had 2 b some other time whn he was happy and he said now. i swear my heart stopped i miss him so much but i dnt know what 2 do things r so complicated rght now and if i move n w/my gran im sure well hook up again but what if i dnt what if my rents decide 2 ship me as far away as possible like they said they would? i dnt know what 2 do! im still waiting 4 cps 2 cum and talk 2 me and i really need 2 convince them 2 let me move n w/my gran or im gonna b screwed and i really need 2 figure out a loop hole so that i can move out maybe i can call my counseler and ask her 2 look n 2 ways i can gt out but i dunno im gonna have 2 figure this out on my own i hope not b/c i cnt handle much more of this! and i already know im crazy enough 2 kill myself. im not so much scared of death as i am scared of life w/out matt. he told me that as part of his counseling he had 2 make a list of all the things that he didnt need or want and all the things he did need or want and i was the only thing that he needed but he said that the only way he could have me was if he had life and 2 have life he needed food and water and air and he said by the time he was done he had barely n-ething on his dnt need list n-e more and that i was worth putting up w/the pain of life and the pain of evrythin else he would live and die 4 me! he told me that he knew that thr was no way he could live w/out me and he didnt know whr he would b if he didnt have me. so many times he thought about killing himself and thn he thought can i really leave her and it kills him evry day that he couldnt help me he said he feels weak b/c he couldnt save me all the pain iv had 2 endure all of it! this shit w/my dad, gtting raped, and having the world turn its back on me.

ok life is not worth it anymore!!! i just got back frm matts house(a guy i really liked who i thought liked me) this morning whn i was thr he kissed me and we kinda started to make out thn he had 2 leave and i wnt back whn he got home and we were sittin thr watchin tv and he just kinda leans ovr kisses me and says we need 2 talk! listen i shouldnt have kissed u earlier b/c i love diana and im tryin 2 gt w/her and i dnt know why i kissed u but i shouldnt have! this is not the 1st time something like this has happened 2 me and im sick of guys jerking my feelings around AND i might not b moving n w/my g-ma as soon as we thought if at all which means that im gonna have 2 put up w/gtting the shit kicked outta me by my dad 4 a while longer! is all this worth it?

things r gtting soooo bad! last night my dad hit me b-cause i came out 2 eat dinner. he started screaming at me saying i was fat i didnt need or deserve food. so im starving right bout now. i wnt 2 my room and grabbed my blade and made a line frm my wrist 2 my elbow and just sat thr watching the blood run down my arm. the pain kinda cancelled out how sad and mad i was soo it was gr8 but now im screwed cause cps is gonna wanna inspect my body 4 the bruises my dad left and whn they c what i did their gonna lock me up again and increase my meds which i havnt been takeing b/c my dad poured them down the sink! maybe i can avoid the padded rm by telling thm that?

2day is the worst day of my life my dad beat the hell out of me n the CAR last nigh n the car and thn he finished when we got home and i came 2 scool 2day w/a big ass bruise on my face and on my back and on my arms and my frnd christena decided she couldnt take it any more and she wasnt gonna let him do that so she took me 2 the office and we reported it and the CPS is gonna come and talk 2 me n a bit and im gonna ask em if i evn have 2 go home 2day or if i can go gt some of my stuff and go stay with a frnd b/c now that i finally reported it hes gonna b pissed at me and im tired of takin a beating!

i have the biggest crush on this guy jack evn though he used me.:( i dnt know what 2 do. this is like whn i was w/matt. he used me and abused me and treated me like a door matt and i stayed w/him through it all! the BIG problem i stll love him and i dnt want 2!!!!!!!!! i dnt wanna hurt ne more! im tired of guys walking all ovr me! i dnt know what 2 do about jack b/c he gts what he wants then acts like i dnt exist until he wants something else frm me and i love his attention so much i go w/it! how pathetic am i?

i dont know what 2 do my world is falling down around me and i cant controll any thing. i dont know how much longer i can go on! i need some1 2 pull me back but evry1 has abandoned me!!!