3 days i decided. today i was in denial. who knows what tomorow will bring. ive come far in just this one day. whatever flame the inhabited my heart a few short days ago has been snuffed out, and with it every emotion i once possesed. i wonder what ill do after the 3 days, after im free.

its funny how a fire is more beautiful than a blade, yet the fire leaves the uglier of the scars.

ill never be a cutter.

3 days. today was my first day. im well on my way. i think i can do this. today was my denial day. tomorow could bring anything. 2 more days left. i wonder what ill do when im free. i wonder what ill do when im done.

the funny thing is fire is so much prettier than a blade, yet it leaves the uglier of the scars.


ill never be a cutter.

you dont know anything. you may think you know everything because you can read whats on my mind. but you dont know how i feel, so you will never know everything.

"Why won't you stand behind me and back me up, like you used to?" asked the boy.

"Why won't you stay with me and take care of me anymore?" asked the girl.

And they meant 'Goodbye'.

i actually hate the two characters that said this but i like it.

i tried to post a diary, in response but after the 2nd time it was deleted i figured fate is telling me not to post it and something bad will happen if i do. but for some reason there is nothing i want to do more than post it. my true feelings.

how am i supposed to know how you feel if you dont tell me?
im not you, i cant possibly know.
you expect me to understand but how could i possibly?

im doing another people diary.

mary-hannah - darling you make me so confused. i wish you would tell me whats going on, and what you feel.

shawn- im not going to say anything you know how i feel

erin- i cant tell when your angry at me and when you like me, you confuse me as well. ive given you hell and im really sorry.

zeina- my baby! you and i are going to have to get edward scisorhands boy toys and be smexy like teh mary hannah!!

letta- i love letta! i think i should start a i <3 letta fanclub or something. however, contrary to popular belief i am not IN love with letta! she is my mommy! ^.^

derek/caitlin - i am still in awe of the derek/caitlin

matt kilxbul- wtf am i putting him on here. hes a cutie pie. and i would like to see him in a mini skirt.

calvin- wtf is wrong with you. i <3 but i hate you. your the only one i know that can really show me a good time no matter what.

and yeah my comps about to run out of batt power so bye!

Excuses, excuses

5 minutes ago I decided I would get over it all
5 minutes ago I decided I’d put the fire to rest
5 minutes ago I decided I’d put out the insence
5 minutes ago I decided I would rid myself of my pain with my last tears
5 minutes ago I decided that this change would be a new start
5 minutes ago I decided that these would be the last tears I cried for him
5 minutes ago I decided this would be the last time I would fantasize about him
5 minutes ago I decided this would be that last time I would wish he was here
5 minutes ago I decided that I would be better off without him
5 minutes ago I decided that I would live through this
5 minutes ago I decided I needed to rid myself of everything that reminds me of him
5 minutes ago I decided I would wish upon a star for something other than his love
5 minutes ago I decided I needed to stop hurting myself to distract my pain
5 minutes ago I decided I needed to become independent
5 minutes ago I decided I needed a boy toy not a boyfriend
5 minutes ago I decided I could estinguish the flame in my heart
5 minutes ago I decided to put on a dress
5 minutes ago I decided to put on so much makeup I looked like a whore
5 minutes ago I decided to slip on some heels and a tiara

5 minutes ago I decided i was over him

3 minutes ago I found that I wasn’t over him
3 minutes ago I found that the fire was more inviting
3 minutes ago I found that the insence was the only thing keeping my pain in check
3 minutes ago I found that I couldn’t stop crying
3 minutes ago I found that this change only marked the beginning of what was not finished
3 minutes ago I found that these tears will continue to fall no matter how many times I try to stop them
3 minutes ago I found that he was all I could think about
3 minutes ago I found that no matter how hard I tried I wished he was holding my hand
3 minutes ago I found that I couldn’t live without him
3 minutes ago I found that everything reminds me of him
3 minutes ago I found that same star and wished he would love me in return
3 minutes ago I found the hurt felt better than the pain
3 minutes ago I found that im dependant on him
3 minutes ago I found boy toy=lust, boyfriend=love
3 minutes ago I found the flame would not go out, just consume me gradually
3 minutes ago I found myself taking off the dress
3 minutes ago I found that im not a whore
3 minutes ago I found im not a princess

3 minutes ago I found I was still in love

right now I am crying
right now I wonder if this flame has consumed me yet
right now I am thinking about him
right now I am studying the burns on my arms
right now I wish he was here
right now the insence is curling around me
right now nothing makes sense
right now I wonder what I am feeling
right now I am too tired to curse
right now I stare at the dress and wonder if he ever thought I was cute, or nice, or worth his time
right now I don’t understand what I am saying
right now the insence is burning out and the flame is flickering weakly
right now I wonder if he ever thinks about me
right now I feel nothing
right now im no princess, no whore, no independent girl.
Right now I wonder who I am
Right now I wish upon a star that I could kick the guy who said “it is better to have loved then lost, then to never have loved at all.”
Right now this love has consumed me whole
Right now I wish that he loved me

Right now this just seems like a bunch of excuses

im confused, im happy, im miserable, im extatic, im no one. i dont know how to feel. all i know is i love him. more than any other feeling, love. it has not smiled on me in the past, and i dont belive it ever will. not now, not ever. i was foolish to believe i could be happy in love. that i could have a normal relationship with the one i loved. let alone a romantic one. and all i know is that this flame burning inside me wont go out. not even if he changes his mind. im scared. im hopeful.

its amazing and strange how he always says just what i want to hear.......

in the past when a boy said what i wanted him to say it meant he was taking advantage of me, just trying to get me into bed. but with him its not like that at all, i trust him more than anyone else. and when i am sad he smiles at me and says just the right thing.

let-chan says that all a girl ever wants to hear is
"i'll protect you"
"i'm there for you"
"i'll always be by your side"
"i love you"

and while the guy is saying this the girl is thinking
"he's so amazing"
"i trust him so much"
"he's the only one for me"
"i love him"

and the guy is thinking
"and now she's going to have sex with me"

but thats not the way he thinks. my angel. *blush* im still to afraid to call him my own, do i get that privlidge?

okay this is going to sound corny but its an inside joke;

"why do you wanna marry me?"
"so i can kiss you any time i want."
               -sweet home alambama
   (be sure to say it in a southern accent)
hehe!!! <3

im so happy. i think im so happy that i randomly burst out in tears. but a certain fear lurks deap within my heart. i fealing i cannot rid myself of. a person i cannot rid myself of. my aunt bought my these clothes for my birthday, mostly prepy clothes which i hate. i can make them work though. they must have cost a fortune, which pisses me off. that crappy clothes cost more than good ones. anyway. among those clothes were a pair of pants. the same that kate used to wear. i had been planning to buy myself some and wear them to piss her off, or something. i dont know. but i hadnt gotten around to buyging them. oh well, i can probly just take it back, of give it to zeina. of spend the money on my cousins. but i thought of wearing the pants and i got scared. scared!

ill never be able to let go, ive gone this far. i still hate myself for it, i still cry over it, and most of all i still punish myelf for it. my scars will never fade, and new ones will always resurface. my heart which is so filled with joy and love has a fine layer that keeps me in doubt, that keeps me in the constant state of hating myself. and i afraid of casting that fear from me, for fear of change, for fear of everything turning on me, and for fear something i do not know will happen. that fear keeps me in check, though it might never finish me, it will always hold me back within it.

i cannot cast these remnants from me, as you said i should.

im the happiest girl in the world...nothing could make me any happier. my angel told me he loved me!!! and he asked me out. but more importantly HE TOLD ME HE LOVED ME!!!! i think i might just spontaneously combust like the girl in "like water for chocolate" ...okay, so she didnt actually explode. she just ate a bunch of matches and set herself on fire. dont ask me how that works i was still in shock from watching a movie with sex in it with my parents, so i didnt ask, nor understand. anyway, wow im so ADD. im in conneticut right now. and i really miss him. its only been one day. i feel realy stupid. im ending up sighing every five seconds like kate used to do when derek would go on vacation, and he went for 2 weeks. i wondering if i can survive for 2 days. its wednesday and im going back of thursday. and i dont want to freak him out and call him, that would be too weird, it would be like i expected something different because were dateing. if we werent i would have an excuse of it would be too stalkerish and stuff. but i miss him so much. i actually started to tear up last night (and a little today in the car) at the thought of being without him for so long. i think i' not that weird but scince we are a new couple it must be normal for me to be so delicate about it. if that makes any sense.

everytime i think about him i feals like there is a fire rising in my chest, warming and consuming my entire body. i dare not breathe for fear of exhaleing that flame. a smile plays on my lips. i want to hold this fealing close to me forever. the fealing of drowing in warm water. filing my lungs and my heart.

taunting tired eyes

i origionally thought of that statement when i was putting on my makeup friday morning. but now its even more true. i spent the day with an angel, and not my usual angel, i might say. my sleep scheduel is way off now. its currently 5:30 in the morning. i woke up at 3:30 and lost hope of getting back to sleep about an hour ago. so it seems im going to fall asleep during 4th period again, which i havent read the book for (english) which means i'm inevedably going to fail the corse. dammit. and thats one of my best subjects too. im just rambling now. tekkoshocon is this weekednt and i'm a lot more calm about it than i was last year because i actually have all the costumes finished for the most part.
i think my mom just got up, maybe i can get a ride to school from her and then i wont have to walk. no hope of getting back to sleep, i'd only be able to sleep for an hour if i did, or less. i think i'm going isane, i'm in an honest love, and my head is going slower than my fingers which are typing this stupid thing, so i'm going to shut up now.
GOOD FREAKING MORNING EVERYBODY!!!

taunting tired eyes

i just wrote this diary antry and the stupid computer erased it, so i'm writing it again because i have nothing better to do. my head is going slower than my fingers, and its way to early for coherent thought. its 5:30 in the morning i woke up at 3:30 and gave up hope of finding sleep again about an hour ago. so i'm going to get up

i spent the day with an angel, not my usual angel, but one sent to me from (wonderland?) ororon. yes, ororon the manga. *blush* shut up. i'll stick with wonderland that sounds better doesnt it, erin?

~*i can only say "im sorry" so many times before i start to hate myself.

a blush, and then a smile, it seems im hiding something. i'm ashamed, i admit, its the feeling i get when ive done something wrong and i dont want people to know about it, but what goes around comes around, and in not going to be that lucky in the end. i dont care what you know, i say, its a lie, i hope you realize that, i hope when you look into my eyes that you will see me, not who youve been told i am. and i hope when people meet me they will not pity me for being pathetic, or laugh at me for being dumb. i was made this way, your thoughts made me this way, your hopes, your desires. that is something noone will understand. will you try to at least? i can only say i'm sorry so many times before i start to hate myself.

i look at the two of them, so happy, it seams to be that they complete each other, yin and yang. perfect harmony. and i try to make myself a part of it, i'd do anything in the world for that completion. perhaps im just a hopeless romantic but i truely belive in soul mates, in someone that completes you. to see them find eachother, is something i could watch again and again. even if i am not a part of that i will still make excuses and pretend to be.

i just realized i love him...
he was sitting next to me and we were kidding around and acting so routine when it just hit me. ive never been able to say how i could tell i was in love before, but i think ive got it this time, every time we kiss a pang sounds like an echo in my heart, its the same as when im sad, but it feels so good. when he touches me, even the smallest bit i feel like my chest is on fire. i figured i couldnt be in love with him, there was no way. but slowly i'm realizing that i crave his touch, and i find that his teasing me makes me think about him all the more.

something strangely normal is happening. the guy i like has a best friend, i didnt think she hated me but after a while i started to realize she was still angry at me for something that i did back in the fall.i thought she forgave me for it, but apparently she didnt. well first she started saying things like "if you hurt him, i'll kill you," it seemed harmless enough, mary-hannah has made similar threats to all the guys ive taken an intrest in in the past. then she started calling me a slut and telling guys i was going to hit on them. she has every right to hate me, i give her that, she even has the right to threaten me, and be mean to me. but something bothers me about the way she says "if you defile him, ravish him..." just makes me flat out angry, thats none of her buisness. then she turns to me and says "he's my best friend, he tells me everything, including what youve already done" i dont like her taking advantage of their friendship to make my life miserable. and i dont want to tell the guy i like because i dont want him to be worried, i dont want to compete with her, and i dont want to inpare their friendship. and after what she did to mary-hannah im angry enough. i dont care what she does to me, i just dont want her to alter his choice of wheather he loves me or not.

sugar we're going down swingin.

psh. arent we all going down? but im going to have fun anyway, i dont care if im dieing a piece at a time at least the peaces that are dieing are going with a bang.

i really feal like i should tell people what i think of them. i want to do it here but im worried someone might be offended and stumble upon it. maybe i should just say what i feal about people that i dont care if they hear it. okay then.

mary-hannah: i luv you! your like my sister! i wish i could know even more about you. just when i think i've got you figured out you surprise me and do something totaly unexpected.

calvin: pay attention to me dammit! i really want to see you more often, but you just ignore me, and i feal like i'm just random slut #3 thats mildly attracted to you.

derek: derek is my bf, i'd die without him.

caitlin: im still kind of confused that caitlin and derek are going out when i look at the big picture. i mean caitlin is like my pac friend from and derek is my school friend. and then pac and school had sex and created this bastard child that is cailin and derek.

i'd write about more people but class is almost over and i need to post on ff.net

she's driving me crazy. is all this because i couldnt tell her the truth? i didnt even know the truth! the privlidge of being the main character is no longer mine, i guess it hasnt been for a while. the privlidge of being selfish. is it my fault? i know it is! its got to be! why else would things be this way? i'm sorry. i tried. i even tried to win for a while. but i lost, horribly and miserably. i have been so utterly defeated. dont i deserve to die? dont i get the privledge of dieing? no. i dont. i have to live, if not for her, for the other i love. or even for the one that made me this way. i know if she ever read this she'd think it was about her. and if the other ever read this she'd know it was about her. hell, if i read it i'd think it was a bout me. its the privledge of living. the privlidge of being selfish. i wish i understood it better. maybe the reason i dont make sense anymore is because i let her go.

sorry if it sounds like jibberish. it makes sense to me.

each person is born with only one wing, and a mission in life to find the matching wing to their own.

a certain fear lurks within me, tears of fire and ice.

i feel so empty inside. does my life really have any meaning anymore? im not doing anything to help anyone nor hurt them nor myself. nothing. and even if i fight with my friends at least its something, what i fear most is nothingness. i have nothing to live for. theres nothing worth the wile. i feel all of my little flaws my habits bugging me more then ever. especially in other people. i dont hate people that do those things, i really just hate myself.

no song is worth my time unless it can make me cry.

please kill me or love me dont ignore me.

its valentines day!!!! this valentines day i am stressing the relationship between bakura and ryou! because they are the cutest couple in the world!!!!! and their relationship reminds me of my relation with my special someone. no one knows yet. anyway. i think i have a crush on this guy...but there is a catch. he has a girlfriend. i should stay away. but he's so nice to me and he makes me feal special. he's so warm when he hugs me. i know im being a hypocrite saying i had given up on guys....but i like him so much!

i should still stay away in remembracne of what happened last time. i dont want to hurt anyone. even if i dont know them.

maybe we would be better living alone.
you would never hurt anyone, nor would you get hurt.

i have a dream. its one you'd never think of of me. maybe i'll tell you some day. its not something i'm good at, its not even something i do often. but it makes me feal so good. its physically impossible for me to become that. but i will try anyway.

im losing my voice. the voice i treasured, its almost gone. its not mine anymore. i used to dream of becomeing a singer. it felt good letting all of my emotions out in a loud belt. but now its confined and constrained. i hate it. it sounds ugly.

i'm tired of being cute, that was when i could figure it out, and i understood every thought i was able to think. but now i dont understand anything. i want to be graceful, i want people to gawk when i walk by. i want to enchant people with mearly the movement of my finger tips.

have you figured out my dream? my most enhanced form of expression. even thinking about it makes my whole body scream with longing, my mind race, and my lungs empty of air until im dizzy with passion and anticipation.can you figure it out?