~*i can only say "im sorry" so many times before i start to hate myself.
a blush, and then a smile, it seems im hiding something. i'm ashamed, i admit, its the feeling i get when ive done something wrong and i dont want people to know about it, but what goes around comes around, and in not going to be that lucky in the end. i dont care what you know, i say, its a lie, i hope you realize that, i hope when you look into my eyes that you will see me, not who youve been told i am. and i hope when people meet me they will not pity me for being pathetic, or laugh at me for being dumb. i was made this way, your thoughts made me this way, your hopes, your desires. that is something noone will understand. will you try to at least? i can only say i'm sorry so many times before i start to hate myself.
i look at the two of them, so happy, it seams to be that they complete each other, yin and yang. perfect harmony. and i try to make myself a part of it, i'd do anything in the world for that completion. perhaps im just a hopeless romantic but i truely belive in soul mates, in someone that completes you. to see them find eachother, is something i could watch again and again. even if i am not a part of that i will still make excuses and pretend to be.
i just realized i love him...
he was sitting next to me and we were kidding around and acting so routine when it just hit me. ive never been able to say how i could tell i was in love before, but i think ive got it this time, every time we kiss a pang sounds like an echo in my heart, its the same as when im sad, but it feels so good. when he touches me, even the smallest bit i feel like my chest is on fire. i figured i couldnt be in love with him, there was no way. but slowly i'm realizing that i crave his touch, and i find that his teasing me makes me think about him all the more.
something strangely normal is happening. the guy i like has a best friend, i didnt think she hated me but after a while i started to realize she was still angry at me for something that i did back in the fall.i thought she forgave me for it, but apparently she didnt. well first she started saying things like "if you hurt him, i'll kill you," it seemed harmless enough, mary-hannah has made similar threats to all the guys ive taken an intrest in in the past. then she started calling me a slut and telling guys i was going to hit on them. she has every right to hate me, i give her that, she even has the right to threaten me, and be mean to me. but something bothers me about the way she says "if you defile him, ravish him..." just makes me flat out angry, thats none of her buisness. then she turns to me and says "he's my best friend, he tells me everything, including what youve already done" i dont like her taking advantage of their friendship to make my life miserable. and i dont want to tell the guy i like because i dont want him to be worried, i dont want to compete with her, and i dont want to inpare their friendship. and after what she did to mary-hannah im angry enough. i dont care what she does to me, i just dont want her to alter his choice of wheather he loves me or not.
sugar we're going down swingin.
psh. arent we all going down? but im going to have fun anyway, i dont care if im dieing a piece at a time at least the peaces that are dieing are going with a bang.
i really feal like i should tell people what i think of them. i want to do it here but im worried someone might be offended and stumble upon it. maybe i should just say what i feal about people that i dont care if they hear it. okay then.
mary-hannah: i luv you! your like my sister! i wish i could know even more about you. just when i think i've got you figured out you surprise me and do something totaly unexpected.
calvin: pay attention to me dammit! i really want to see you more often, but you just ignore me, and i feal like i'm just random slut #3 thats mildly attracted to you.
derek: derek is my bf, i'd die without him.
caitlin: im still kind of confused that caitlin and derek are going out when i look at the big picture. i mean caitlin is like my pac friend from and derek is my school friend. and then pac and school had sex and created this bastard child that is cailin and derek.
i'd write about more people but class is almost over and i need to post on ff.net
she's driving me crazy. is all this because i couldnt tell her the truth? i didnt even know the truth! the privlidge of being the main character is no longer mine, i guess it hasnt been for a while. the privlidge of being selfish. is it my fault? i know it is! its got to be! why else would things be this way? i'm sorry. i tried. i even tried to win for a while. but i lost, horribly and miserably. i have been so utterly defeated. dont i deserve to die? dont i get the privledge of dieing? no. i dont. i have to live, if not for her, for the other i love. or even for the one that made me this way. i know if she ever read this she'd think it was about her. and if the other ever read this she'd know it was about her. hell, if i read it i'd think it was a bout me. its the privledge of living. the privlidge of being selfish. i wish i understood it better. maybe the reason i dont make sense anymore is because i let her go.
sorry if it sounds like jibberish. it makes sense to me.
each person is born with only one wing, and a mission in life to find the matching wing to their own.
a certain fear lurks within me, tears of fire and ice.
i feel so empty inside. does my life really have any meaning anymore? im not doing anything to help anyone nor hurt them nor myself. nothing. and even if i fight with my friends at least its something, what i fear most is nothingness. i have nothing to live for. theres nothing worth the wile. i feel all of my little flaws my habits bugging me more then ever. especially in other people. i dont hate people that do those things, i really just hate myself.
no song is worth my time unless it can make me cry.
please kill me or love me dont ignore me.
its valentines day!!!! this valentines day i am stressing the relationship between bakura and ryou! because they are the cutest couple in the world!!!!! and their relationship reminds me of my relation with my special someone. no one knows yet. anyway. i think i have a crush on this guy...but there is a catch. he has a girlfriend. i should stay away. but he's so nice to me and he makes me feal special. he's so warm when he hugs me. i know im being a hypocrite saying i had given up on guys....but i like him so much!
i should still stay away in remembracne of what happened last time. i dont want to hurt anyone. even if i dont know them.
maybe we would be better living alone.
you would never hurt anyone, nor would you get hurt.
i have a dream. its one you'd never think of of me. maybe i'll tell you some day. its not something i'm good at, its not even something i do often. but it makes me feal so good. its physically impossible for me to become that. but i will try anyway.
im losing my voice. the voice i treasured, its almost gone. its not mine anymore. i used to dream of becomeing a singer. it felt good letting all of my emotions out in a loud belt. but now its confined and constrained. i hate it. it sounds ugly.
i'm tired of being cute, that was when i could figure it out, and i understood every thought i was able to think. but now i dont understand anything. i want to be graceful, i want people to gawk when i walk by. i want to enchant people with mearly the movement of my finger tips.
have you figured out my dream? my most enhanced form of expression. even thinking about it makes my whole body scream with longing, my mind race, and my lungs empty of air until im dizzy with passion and anticipation.c
my second cousin denise died yesterday at the early age of 55. i wasnt that close to her, but my mom was. "closer than a cousin but not as close as a sister. i am wearing all black today in mourning for her. i dont feel that bad she died. she was very unhealthy and dieing slowly anyway. what i feal bad about is my mom. im worried about her. as soon as we got home she deleted all of the messages on the phone that were calls from her relatives. so my mouning state is more for her than for denise. also to all of her living relatives like aunt sissy. aunt sissy was living with her and i;m not sure where she is going to go. her pension is only 600 which is also her rent. denise died at 4 in the morning. she had a heart attack on the kitchen table.
memorial of denise. loved and lost. <3
so here i am
this is me
im not going to write my soul in here, but this is how i generaly feel.
im obsessed to 2 amazing girls. only 2 people on this planet i will do anything they ask, nomatter what. and only 3 people would i, even in the heat of an argument, kill myself if so asked. these 3 people mean the world to me. they are- my best friend, the person i love, and my worst enemy.
my best friend-
he knows me better than everyone else. he's been there through everything with me, and no matter how selfish i become, he is always there. last year i fell in love with him. no-it was beyond love, it wasnt even an obbsession, it was the most sincere i had ever felt about anyone in my life. he's still the most amazing guy i know, always worried about me- he was the only one of my friends that didnt abandon me in the time i needed him most. our friendship survived the worst. i care for him so much. i know we will always be friends. when i have a child, i plan to name them after him , in hopes that my child will be as noble as my best friend.
i am annie
i am the constant
i will always be there
no matter how hard you try
you can never leave me behind
i know how hard this is
i know exactily how
you may feal now
you know that
better than i
i love you
i love
i am
i have a friend
she is so beautiful
once a long time ago
she told me i was beautiful
she told me never to put myself down
so now i never do
she doesnt know how truely amazing she is
and how beautiful
on the inside and out
dont put yourself down sweet hart
did i ever tell you you're my hero?
you're everything i wish i could be