[Kai - Chan]'s diary
Written about Friday 2006-06-30
Written: (6722 days ago)
Soz guys Im in a depressed mood......
God pull the fucking trigger…...tak
So let me take this medicine to quench my thirst for violent things.
She only wanted someone to love.
Emotion is my middle name I lie in bed and listen to the rain, put happy thoughts in my head, but I find instead the hurting words you said.
By the end of our romance my wrists were covered in scars.
We are the outcasts, we are the ones that are different, we are the ones that never get along with anyone else, we are the ones that went back to our rooms and put on our headphones and listened to those records that made us happy.
And I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand.
Another cutter, another freak, another dork, another geek, another prep, another jock, another whore, and more punk rock, another hater, another “G”, another scar they put on me, another label that happens to fall when no one really knows the person at all.
And I’m finally realizing I meant nothing to you, that the little kisses you gave me were no different to the ones you gave your ex, that your promises could be broken as easily as they’re made because you didn’t care, that every I love you that came out of your mouth meant absolutely nothing, that the last words you said to me there’s something else meant that you moved on before you even let go, that every word you spoke was a lie, and now I’m finally realizing that goodbye really does mean forever.
She sits in her corner singing herself to sleep, wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep; she no longer cries to herself no tears left to wash away, just diaries of empty pages feelings gone astray.
All those scars on her arms don’t worry; she says they’re little notes to remind her how many times you broke your heart.
To depressed to go on you’ll be sorry when I’m gone. I’m forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life…..
My diary...these are things from my diary at home, that I write in before I go to bed... -.-;
meh.... right now.....i'm at the point where i cud let out the biggest/loudes
"y?" u ask? *sighs* well.....i was bored....pulle
but i'm gradually getting better.....not thinking about the memories so i'm fine....i've pushed them away again.....
*decides i need to say something else so it doesn't leave u thinking i'm sum depressed emo* umm....yeah i suppose i'll just continue on with my diary...
Nov.22nd
-dad's knee was healing good from the surgery
-excited about trip to NC (as always)
Feb. ?, 2004
-i'm lonely (haha lol....aren't we all?)
-i have alotta homework
-Quote straight from my diary: "AHHHH!! I WANT TO DIE!!" (aha....i have found the start of my emo phase- no i never cut myself)
April 18th
-mom doesn't believe that i'm really sick (now that i think back on it....i doubt i was really sick...)
-talks more about my feelings of lonliness and depression....
-i was actually crying while writing this entry....it told me so...the book doesn't lie...
-AHAHAH!! IT TALKED ABOUT THE BIKER GUY THAT CRASHED INTO OUR FRONT PORCH!!! OMG I NEED TO TELL U ALL ABOUT THIS ONE!!
ok so my mom was being really really really annoying that day(like she is most days) and she was like "BAHHH!!! KAI!!!! LISTEN TO THESE CHRISTIAN SONGS FOR THE PRAISE TEAM OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!" ok....so maybe she didn't say it exactly like that lol....but anyway so i was like "FINE!!! SHUT THE F*** UP!!!" ok....maybe i didn't say it like that either...lol..
ahh yes...so back to the diary
-ahaha....this was also the day i talked about when me, jesse, and sum other ppl went to see other churches (remember, jesse? it was the day we made a list of complaints about the church like "the church didn't have a dancing monkey" haha lol)
-i also talked about how i wasn't believing mom's "oh ur so important to us" act
April 22nd
-LMAO! MY FIRST ENTRY ABOUT THE CRAZY GIRL!! lol don't ask....she's this girl that lives next door to me....jesse *evil grin* he wud know all about her ^_^ *feels like mentioning a game she likes to play with him but decides not to out of the goodness of my heart* anyways....i talked about how she just comes over into my yard without warning when i'm spending time with dad.
May 12th, 2004
-i mentioned a sequence game that i played with dad.....but my hand is so overcome with carpal tunnel right now......owww.
-amanda's not fat (lmao....i'm being captain obvious in this diary entry lol)
- oh god....i talked about Sarah roberts and how i hated her haha lol....*shudde
June 14th, 2004
-talked about how birthdays suck more as u get older (so true...)
- played with my nieghbors little boy, matthew (awww he was adorable ^_^)
-complained about snowdays and how everyone got out before me lol
-i'm bored
I just like you to know people of Elfpack that the story is dedicated to [Wild Zubat Appeared] He wanted it! ^^ =P
Max In it is - [ritsuka.]
Tyler In it is - [TeejayTERROR.]
Luke In it is - [Phantomhive]
Chapter 2
Emily had stopped walking, The others turned around to look at her "Kai?" Max said slowly, eyebrow raising. As Richard got out the car, his hair flowing cutely over his head, his eyes soft and warm. Emily had stopped breathing, her body a trembling mess, she was aware that her friends where trying to get her attention, worry in their voices but she didnt care for them right now. Her legs went weak. He turned around, looking at her, there eyes met and Emily couldn't move. Her heart beating dangerously against her chest. She could see the shock in Richards face. Then he was being called to come inside the house. He blinked slowly and was dragged inside by his older brother. Emily's eyes had filled with happiness and joy. She turned to Luke "Am I dreaming?! Dont wake me up!" She shouted gleefully. Luke blinked dumbly. "uh.".
Story continued...
A few hours later, Emily was sat downstairs at the dining room table, her Dad on one side and Mum on the other. Lee infront of her. "Have fun today Emz?" her dad asked, looking up from his newspaper. Emily mumbled a "yes". He nodded and looked sideways at her mum then returned to reading his newspaper. The door bell rang, Emily leapt up and towards the door, she opened it. Seeing her friends, Max, Tyler, Luke and Steph standing there smiling at her. Emily beamed at them "You saved me from boredom!" She gasped, slipping on her dark pink converse shoes. "Mum dad going out, be back later!" She shouted and before they could say no, she leapt out the door, slamming it shut. Emily walked down the street, Tyler going on about what happened in Inuyasha-his favourite anime show- the night before. "Breath Tj!" Max sneered "You really are addicted to that stuff". Tyler glanced sideways at him but said nothing. Luke pushed Max forward "Aww dont you'll upset him, he's having an affair with Inuyasha you see, he's ment to be going out with Sesshoumaru" he joked. Tyler raised an eyebrow. "Your a fool" Tyler told him. Luke nodded "Proud to be, little Inuyasha freak boy!" Tyler rolled his eyes heavenly. Steph linked arms with Emily "You okay, Kai?" She asked. Emily nodded quickly "Yeah, I just feel out of place today, I woke up feeling, this isn't where I'm ment to be, I am ment to be somewhere else with someone else" she told them. They all looked at her oddly. Emily laughed weakly, shaking her head "Dont worry". Tyler was watching her "Dont run away" he said blankly. "Huh?" Max frowned "Have I missed something?!" He gasped. Steph looked at Emily sadly "Your not thinking about leaving are you?" she asked. Emily shook her head slowly "It would be nice, but I couldn't, I'm not brave enough". Luke licked his lips nervously, scared that he might say something wrong "We'll come with you, if you ever do". Emily smiled at him "No, I'm not going anywhere, and I am sure this is just a phase, it'll go" she told them seriously. Tyler turned his head away. "I hope so!" Luke beamed "Our gang wouldn't be right without you". Emily looked at him, he was trying his best to be serious and he looked scared. Emily put an arm around his shoulders. "Come on guys, anyone up for Pizza?" Running away... never seemed like such a good idea, but not on my own, with someone...not these guys, someone I havent met, someone...I love and trust...that will stay with me...forever. Emily thought to herself as they where walking. Is such a person possible? She looked up as a car stopped on the other side of the road, and the doors opened and six people climbed out the car. One caught her eye.... DICKY?!?!
Introduction
Emily Louise Morris was born In London, raised up to live in a city full of drugs, violence and rape. Her Parents kind, loving people who made sure she was kept safe. They kissed her before she went to bed at night and helped her study if she needed it but they where very protective due to living in London. Emily's mother, Julie was forever spying on Emily, making sure she wasn't doing anything she shouldn't. When Emily would ask her mum "You dont trust me do you?" And her mum would reply "No dear, I trust you, I just dont trust London." Emily brother, Lee who was 19-years-old had already been through alot while living in London, he had gotten into many fights, tried drugs and he now smoked. Emilys parents still loved him and made sure he cleaned his room and did his studying but you could tell in there eyes how ashamed they where of him. Maybe thats why they where so over protective with Emily. Emily hated it though, her parents always creeping around and looking over her shoulder when she went on her computer. Emily felt sometimes that she would explode and turn around and snap at them, but most of the time she bit her tounge. Emily had dark brown hair, that was dyed, she used to be a light fair brown and her hair used to even look blonde. Emily had hated that, she had green eyes that always looked childish and playfull. Her 15-year-old mind was always alive and ready for anything that life might bring her . Emily had just recently started an addiction for a chatroom on the internet, called Elfpack, she met nice kind people and she liked helping people on there, making them happy and roleplaying. When she logged in, it felt like to her that she was leaving reality.
Chapter 1
Emily looked around her navy bedroom, she was sat on her bed, her laptop on her lap, she smiled to herself and a familiar person came on Richard Brown otherwise known as Dicky. The minute he had signed on Emily was sent a message on MSN saying "Hi!!" She chuckled softly and replied a "hello". "Emily!" Shouted her mum from down the stairs "Yea?" She replied. "Im going up the shops, dont go out!" She said the "dont" bit firmly. Emily rolled her eyes "ok!" She shouted, looking back at the laptop screen, she talked to Dicky for half an hour, laughing and watching his every move on webcam. When she heard her dad come in the door, she sighed and told Dicky she had to go, he did a sad face and then said "bye!" Emily signed out, turning her laptop off, she collapsed on her bed. Only if....Dicky was here... We could be together...for real... She thought sadly to herself.
moving on...looking forward...not over my shoulder..
Dear Diary//...
I have new found feelings, I buried them deep inside of me, hoping to lock them away to be with someone who could really be there. But in the end when he returned I realised I could never forget that they where there. I know he isan't here and he isant really because he cant touch me and his lips I cant feel. I am dreaming, I must be because these feelings I know, he really doesnt have them for me, I feel so much love and a burning desire...
Why cant life be easy and why cant I forget?
Now I have made someone sad and alone, the person who has always been there when no one else was, he kept me smiling and kept me warm and safe and now I have left him maybe for good, I must be so selfish. Yeah thats me the cold hearted bitch. I am the bad one here because I let someone down I told him the three special words and that we would be together forever and I lied to him and I let him down. Im such fool. I am torn between my heart and my head. What would Jesus have said? (XD) I look at the one I gave it all up for, I know he is suffering and his mind is filled with pain, his eyes tell the stories and his life is no game. So when he tells me he loves me, is it really true or am I being the fool I always am. I have let so many boys hurt me not one of them properlly understands. I have Max, Tyler, Luke and Steph and there all I need. They are the ones who can save me. But Ill try my best to open up to him and to catch him when he falls but what I know now is I dont know anything at all. My friends around me, hugging me and telling me "you'll be ok" or "Im here" but they dont understand either. FOR FUCK SAKE HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE WHO ISANT HERE WITH ME?!?!?! I am so lost and confused! whats wrong with me?! These boys dont they see, what they fucking do to me!! I will cry and I scream but I still mean "I love you" when I say it because I know I would never lie because I dont think like that, everyone is wonderfull and amazing. In my eyes...I have to live for the people who have made an effort to keep me happy and I have to smile. I havent got it that bad, My parents are nice, they hug me and kiss me goodnight, they help me study and my friends are real sweet and they always keep me going. Love is a poison and cant be cured everyone falls in love in life, they dont know it but they do. So here is some advice for you, give in, trust your heart, even though some boys might tear you apart, they arnt all the same, some are special, they may hurt you sometimes but give them a chance...just keep your friends close by...
Love Kai xx
When I First Looked At You, I Saw Hope, You Held Out Your Hand And Asked For Mine, I Beleived In Your Hands, I Beleived In You...
I Knew I Could Rely On You Because You Where For Me, My Soulmate, You And I Are So Simply Ment To Be.
I Closed My Eyes At Night Thinking Of You. The Pain Came Over Me As Your Face, Your Eyes Crossed My Mind. I Tossed And Turned Hoping For An Answer, Begging My Head And Heart To Work Together. And So Here We Are, That's Pretty Far...
Our Time Has Ended, My Feelings For You Touched The Sky, Now Your Sad And I Think I Must Be Mad. But Your Still My Best Friend Because Your Special And Unique, You And I Friends We Will Always Be.
- For Gary! Random!
Put This on Ya House Peeps!
Big Thanks to [Wild Zubat Appeared] <3<3<3
I read In a chat magazine, That this girl ^ commit suicide last week, It's really sad... R.I.P ='(
;_; I want it...
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Rock on dudes! LOL XP
Jake, Your mood better be a lie... You better not shoot yourself, I can't live without you... I'm worried out of my mind here... -.-
AWWWWWW!!!!
I feel alone, I don't know why, I have many loving friends, but I wonder, do they understand me, like they think they do...? -.-
Love... What love?
