The only good thing about having your
heart broken is that sooner or later there's
nothing left to break



she's going through an emotional
hurricane inside but nobody knows.

When I'm older & my little girl
Asks me who my first love was..
I don't want to have to pull out an
Old photo album.. I want to be able to
Point across the room and say
"He's sitting right over there"

I'll go to sleep in your shirt..
Listen to only your voice..
Dreaming of only your face..
And still want more of you in
the morning..

You'll fall in love with the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times.

Y0U MAKE ME FEEL SO
B-E-A-U-T-i-F-U-l

l o v e
we think about it
dream about it
sing about it
when we dont have it
we search for it
when we discover it
we dont know what to do with it
when we have it were afraid of losing it
its the short word thats easy to spell
difficult to define
and impossible to live without

all my friends ask why i'm so hung up on you
after all the shit you put me thought.
it's hard to explain & i wish they could realize
why it's ike to look at you through my eyes.

there's always going to be
those akward moments when
we're around each other and
remember how it used to be.

she's such a pretty little thing
but when they give her compliments
she just wants them to shut up,
because no matter what
she still isn't good enough for him.

i'm reading your note over again
there's not a word that i can't comprehend
except when you signed it
"i will love you always & forever"

you learn alot about people
when you listen to the songs
that mean something to them.

& he said "i'll love you forever"
& she smiled and said, "just warn
me when forever starts to end."

want to know the truth, instead
of wondering why. i want to know the
answer.. no more lies.

the problem with guys:
they make you believe they love you
when they don't.
the problem with girls:
they make you believe they don't love you
when they do.

-&& you don't know how much it h.u.r.t.s ;;
when he finally tells you who he likes
& its not your name ..

one SONG can spark a moment
one FLOWER can wake a dream
one TREE can start a forest
one BIRD can herald spring
one SMILE brings a friendship
one HANDCLASP lifts a soul
one STAR can guide a ship at sea
one WORD can frame a goal
one VOTE can change a nation
one SUNBEAM lights a room
one CANDLE wipes out darkness
one LAUGH can conquer gloom
one STEP must start each journey
one WORD must start each prayer
one HOPE will rise our spirits
one TOUCH can show you care
one VOICE can speak with wisdom
one HEART can know what`s true
one LIFE can make a difference
you see.. it's up to » you «

i'm wasting another night
just thinking about you </3

People tell you to move on.
But when your still in love with him,
it's practically impossible.

it's not the fact that i miss being your girlfriend..
i just miss being in your life


depression is strange...im so lucky... I love my parents and friends..so why do I feel so rotten... x.x selfish...traitor...vermin..argh

I thought you said "foreveR" but I must've been mistaken for "never".....

-_.::Kai~&~Cathy::._- THANKS CATHY!! ;_;

blame me and go ahead with
with your life as you always
did;force my stomach to purge
the words i might have eaten
in a feast of victorious
self-indulgence.



i simply lost my head again
i lost it all when i heard your
voice in a tone like the storm
that never strays.



though your presence is non-
existent, your stench still looms
in every memory.



i walk on ways of sadness to
see the frustration of truth, hope
that it will be endless to see that
i am real.



someday, in the event that
mankind actually finds out
what the world revolves around,
thousands of people will be
shocked and perplexed to
find out that it was not them.



and if i cant have you, ill just
close my eyes and pretend he's
you...pretend you are mine.



i can see the world through
your window and i sing to
you every night from here.



today i prayed my plane would
crash, you'd see it on the news
and you'd think of me as much
as i thought of you.



i keep the lights off;i know your
right here. you cant say no to
me in my dreams.



its body as frail as paper and wet
from her tears. she knelt in the
damp grass and prayed it to heaven
gently pressing its head to her heart
the devils in the daughters room.



she cried when she found it and he
smiled while he watched her



you lose your tongue at the scent
of burning flesh and your mouth
was so proud of your existence.
i guess you wont be coming
home a martyr.



this empty chest;this hollow throbbing
this empty shell will help you sleep
and your name will come in time but
for now, take a number.



we are pretty when we are faking
im such a liar when i smile.



father dont you cut the rope i want
to die here, open eyes, dimmer, a
chandelier. the sirens must flock
me to a new desitination.



on the surface where we fought
thats where your insides rot and
you attempted heartless manslaughter
sunken ships belong underwater



he will enter to find there is no
treasure here, just a hollow mass
of waste and death.



you look so clean but your dressed
to fit this scene;you are a virgin;you
are taken a liar.



youve only got eyes for me now,
youve only got time for me now
your only got eyes for me now and
you know how blind i am without you.



she breathes no chorus but i move her
lips to for the words "i love you" and
i taste her lips and i know she loves me.



as he's dying in his dreams i hope your
choking in your sleep.



paint your walls with his insides and
hang his life above your bed;paint
your walls with his insides and try
to sleep now.

bet you love this...now peel back
the skin dear, peel back the skin.
and he'll just smile, but he's only
smiling to deny the pain.



:and when the time is
right, you'll see how it's
funny how little it takes
for you to become
everything you say
you hate.

IM FED UP OF BEING SO GULLABLE! LOVE ISANT REEEEALL!!

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU MY HEART TEARS LIKE ITS PAPER!!

Soz guys Im in a depressed mood......

God pull the fucking trigger…...take me away……I want no more pain…..end this day. Wrap the rope around my neck…..kick out my chair…..just leave me hanging…..gasping for air.


So let me take this medicine to quench my thirst for violent things.


She only wanted someone to love.


Emotion is my middle name I lie in bed and listen to the rain, put happy thoughts in my head, but I find instead the hurting words you said.


By the end of our romance my wrists were covered in scars.


We are the outcasts, we are the ones that are different, we are the ones that never get along with anyone else, we are the ones that went back to our rooms and put on our headphones and listened to those records that made us happy.


And I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand.


Another cutter, another freak, another dork, another geek, another prep, another jock, another whore, and more punk rock, another hater, another “G”, another scar they put on me, another label that happens to fall when no one really knows the person at all.


And I’m finally realizing I meant nothing to you, that the little kisses you gave me were no different to the ones you gave your ex, that your promises could be broken as easily as they’re made because you didn’t care, that every I love you that came out of your mouth meant absolutely nothing, that the last words you said to me there’s something else meant that you moved on before you even let go, that every word you spoke was a lie, and now I’m finally realizing that goodbye really does mean forever.


She sits in her corner singing herself to sleep, wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep; she no longer cries to herself no tears left to wash away, just diaries of empty pages feelings gone astray.


All those scars on her arms don’t worry; she says they’re little notes to remind her how many times you broke your heart.


To depressed to go on you’ll be sorry when I’m gone. I’m forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life…..

My diary...these are things from my diary at home, that I write in before I go to bed... -.-;

meh.... right now.....i'm at the point where i cud let out the biggest/loudest/angriest/saddest scream u cud ever hear in the world.....not the ear piercing scream....that one's different.....but the " i'm angry and i feel like i got stabbed" kinda scream....the loud angry one.....

"y?" u ask? *sighs* well.....i was bored....pulled an all nighter....i was already kinda depressed about not being able to find these 2 songs that reminded me of my grandpa and my dad.....then i had coffee with my dad....things were all good....but i got back on the computer....and i took quizzes that reminded me about stuff i keep in the back of my head.....and for sum reason....i didn't put the memories back like i normally wud.....i kinda sat there thinking about them.....playing them over and over in my head.....stupid thing to do....i shud know better.....but for once....these memories didn't make me sad like normal....they made me this awkward combination of both......and that's actually not as bad......for me at least.....

but i'm gradually getting better.....not thinking about the memories so i'm fine....i've pushed them away again.....

*decides i need to say something else so it doesn't leave u thinking i'm sum depressed emo* umm....yeah i suppose i'll just continue on with my diary...

Nov.22nd
-dad's knee was healing good from the surgery
-excited about trip to NC (as always)

Feb. ?, 2004
-i'm lonely (haha lol....aren't we all?)
-i have alotta homework
-Quote straight from my diary: "AHHHH!! I WANT TO DIE!!" (aha....i have found the start of my emo phase- no i never cut myself)

April 18th
-mom doesn't believe that i'm really sick (now that i think back on it....i doubt i was really sick...)
-talks more about my feelings of lonliness and depression....
-i was actually crying while writing this entry....it told me so...the book doesn't lie...
-AHAHAH!! IT TALKED ABOUT THE BIKER GUY THAT CRASHED INTO OUR FRONT PORCH!!! OMG I NEED TO TELL U ALL ABOUT THIS ONE!!

ok so my mom was being really really really annoying that day(like she is most days) and she was like "BAHHH!!! KAI!!!! LISTEN TO THESE CHRISTIAN SONGS FOR THE PRAISE TEAM OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!" ok....so maybe she didn't say it exactly like that lol....but anyway so i was like "FINE!!! SHUT THE F*** UP!!!" ok....maybe i didn't say it like that either...lol....but anyways i go outside with my headphones and i'm laying there listening to the songs when i hear this motorcyle gang riding up the hill....so they stopped at the nieghbor house for awhile....then they started riding back down.....i was kinda watching yet not (ya know when ur looking in a direction but yet ur kinda lost in thought so u don't really see what ur looking at?) ....all the sudden i hear a BANG!! so i look over all confused like....and i see all these ppl around my porch.....and i had kinda seen someone crash into our porch but yet i was in dream land so not really.....i heard the ppl talking so i quickly understood what was going on....i run inside i'm like "yo! someone crashed into our porch!" ok.....maybe not with the "yo" in there lol.....so they went outside while i grabbed my stuff and went inside while the cops interrigated my parents. haha lol. the guy ended up being fine....he was wearing a helmet and stuff.....i think he broke his wrist or sumthin....

ahh yes...so back to the diary
-ahaha....this was also the day i talked about when me, jesse, and sum other ppl went to see other churches (remember, jesse? it was the day we made a list of complaints about the church like "the church didn't have a dancing monkey" haha lol)
-i also talked about how i wasn't believing mom's "oh ur so important to us" act

April 22nd
-LMAO! MY FIRST ENTRY ABOUT THE CRAZY GIRL!! lol don't ask....she's this girl that lives next door to me....jesse *evil grin* he wud know all about her ^_^ *feels like mentioning a game she likes to play with him but decides not to out of the goodness of my heart* anyways....i talked about how she just comes over into my yard without warning when i'm spending time with dad.

May 12th, 2004
-i mentioned a sequence game that i played with dad.....but my hand is so overcome with carpal tunnel right now......owww....hurts like hell so i'm not gonna go into the game thing...
-amanda's not fat (lmao....i'm being captain obvious in this diary entry lol)
- oh god....i talked about Sarah roberts and how i hated her haha lol....*shudders* ya know...if u wanna know about this one...u ask me urself...lol...

June 14th, 2004
-talked about how birthdays suck more as u get older (so true...)
- played with my nieghbors little boy, matthew (awww he was adorable ^_^)
-complained about snowdays and how everyone got out before me lol
-i'm bored

I just like you to know people of Elfpack that the story is dedicated to [Wild Zubat Appeared] He wanted it! ^^ =P

Max In it is - [ritsuka.]
Tyler In it is - [TeejayTERROR.]
Luke In it is - [Phantomhive]

Story continued...

Introduction

Emily Louise Morris was born In London, raised up to live in a city full of drugs, violence and rape. Her Parents kind, loving people who made sure she was kept safe. They kissed her before she went to bed at night and helped her study if she needed it but they where very protective due to living in London. Emily's mother, Julie was forever spying on Emily, making sure she wasn't doing anything she shouldn't. When Emily would ask her mum "You dont trust me do you?" And her mum would reply "No dear, I trust you, I just dont trust London." Emily brother, Lee who was 19-years-old had already been through alot while living in London, he had gotten into many fights, tried drugs and he now smoked. Emilys parents still loved him and made sure he cleaned his room and did his studying but you could tell in there eyes how ashamed they where of him. Maybe thats why they where so over protective with Emily. Emily hated it though, her parents always creeping around and looking over her shoulder when she went on her computer. Emily felt sometimes that she would explode and turn around and snap at them, but most of the time she bit her tounge. Emily had dark brown hair, that was dyed, she used to be a light fair brown and her hair used to even look blonde. Emily had hated that, she had green eyes that always looked childish and playfull. Her 15-year-old mind was always alive and ready for anything that life might bring her . Emily had just recently started an addiction for a chatroom on the internet, called Elfpack, she met nice kind people and she liked helping people on there, making them happy and roleplaying. When she logged in, it felt like to her that she was leaving reality.


Chapter 1

Emily looked around her navy bedroom, she was sat on her bed, her laptop on her lap, she smiled to herself and a familiar person came on Richard Brown otherwise known as Dicky. The minute he had signed on Emily was sent a message on MSN saying "Hi!!" She chuckled softly and replied a "hello". "Emily!" Shouted her mum from down the stairs "Yea?" She replied. "Im going up the shops, dont go out!" She said the "dont" bit firmly. Emily rolled her eyes "ok!" She shouted, looking back at the laptop screen, she talked to Dicky for half an hour, laughing and watching his every move on webcam. When she heard her dad come in the door, she sighed and told Dicky she had to go, he did a sad face and then said "bye!" Emily signed out, turning her laptop off, she collapsed on her bed. Only if....Dicky was here... We could be together...for real... She thought sadly to herself.

moving on...looking forward...not over my shoulder..

Dear Diary//...

I have new found feelings, I buried them deep inside of me, hoping to lock them away to be with someone who could really be there. But in the end when he returned I realised I could never forget that they where there. I know he isan't here and he isant really because he cant touch me and his lips I cant feel. I am dreaming, I must be because these feelings I know, he really doesnt have them for me, I feel so much love and a burning desire...
Why cant life be easy and why cant I forget?
Now I have made someone sad and alone, the person who has always been there when no one else was, he kept me smiling and kept me warm and safe and now I have left him maybe for good, I must be so selfish. Yeah thats me the cold hearted bitch. I am the bad one here because I let someone down I told him the three special words and that we would be together forever and I lied to him and I let him down. Im such fool. I am torn between my heart and my head. What would Jesus have said? (XD) I look at the one I gave it all up for, I know he is suffering and his mind is filled with pain, his eyes tell the stories and his life is no game. So when he tells me he loves me, is it really true or am I being the fool I always am. I have let so many boys hurt me not one of them properlly understands. I have Max, Tyler, Luke and Steph and there all I need. They are the ones who can save me. But Ill try my best to open up to him and to catch him when he falls but what I know now is I dont know anything at all. My friends around me, hugging me and telling me "you'll be ok" or "Im here" but they dont understand either. FOR FUCK SAKE HOW CAN I LOVE SOMEONE WHO ISANT HERE WITH ME?!?!?! I am so lost and confused! whats wrong with me?! These boys dont they see, what they fucking do to me!! I will cry and I scream but I still mean "I love you" when I say it because I know I would never lie because I dont think like that, everyone is wonderfull and amazing. In my eyes...I have to live for the people who have made an effort to keep me happy and I have to smile. I havent got it that bad, My parents are nice, they hug me and kiss me goodnight, they help me study and my friends are real sweet and they always keep me going. Love is a poison and cant be cured everyone falls in love in life, they dont know it but they do. So here is some advice for you, give in, trust your heart, even though some boys might tear you apart, they arnt all the same, some are special, they may hurt you sometimes but give them a chance...just keep your friends close by...


Love Kai xx

When I First Looked At You, I Saw Hope, You Held Out Your Hand And Asked For Mine, I Beleived In Your Hands, I Beleived In You...

I Knew I Could Rely On You Because You Where For Me, My Soulmate, You And I Are So Simply Ment To Be.
I Closed My Eyes At Night Thinking Of You. The Pain Came Over Me As Your Face, Your Eyes Crossed My Mind. I Tossed And Turned Hoping For An Answer, Begging My Head And Heart To Work Together. And So Here We Are, That's Pretty Far...

Our Time Has Ended, My Feelings For You Touched The Sky, Now Your Sad And I Think I Must Be Mad. But Your Still My Best Friend Because Your Special And Unique, You And I Friends We Will Always Be.

- For Gary! Random!

Put This on Ya House Peeps!
Big Thanks to [Wild Zubat Appeared] <3<3<3

I read In a chat magazine, That this girl ^ commit suicide last week, It's really sad... R.I.P ='(

;_; I want it...

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Rock on dudes! LOL XP