0_0

*Clenches her fists, eyes shaking*

I'm such a fool, I don't know what to say or do, I feel like I'm being left out from his life, I'm trying so hard to keep it together and be ok for the both of them, I cant please two people, Im sorry I cant. *Closes her eyes*.. Im losing him, A gap has formed, he's happier with her now, he smiles with her and means it, with me its forced. *Opens her eyes slightly* Im sorry..

I've got a bad feeling..

^^ Yup!

IM SO HAPPY!!

*dances* I FEEL SO FREEEEEE!!! =D D=D =D =D

I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARYI LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARYI LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARYI LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARYI LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARYI LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY I LOVE GARY

MY Alexander is in there!! ;_; *cries rivers*

*eyes tear up* ed....

&& she would go
through all her
limits just to be
with him


& what do i want mostly?
a guy who has the best
personality & can make me laugh-
i don't care for
what he has on the outside


i think at some point
you like your best guy
friend just a little more


& she would never
stay with the guy
who would hurt
her more than once


hearts are as fragile
as glass but most boys handle
them like careless footballs


i love how we can be
so ourselves around
each other


if we're trying, i
believe there's not a star
in heaven that we can't reach


i can never fit into a card
all the memories we had
together because we already
have too many to cherish


all i need are great friends
who will forever be there for me


be my escape
to heaven, happiness,
&& love


& after she met him
all her insecurities quickly
faded away


& what she loves most
is when he holds her like
there isn't anything
else important in the world


& he kissed her even
when her mouth was blue
from ice pops and her hair
was in the messiest condition


friends would be helping you
fix something
real friends would be breaking
whatever you just fixed


girls want you to be there
when they really
need it, hold them when
they cry, & care for them
no matter what


my hands were made
for you to hold them


i've never imagined that
someone could just be gone
just like that-
always live the moment
to the fullest


the phases of the moon
remind her of all
his sudden changes


& every single time
she hears his voice
her heart beats just
a little faster


after we became friends
i became instantly hooked
because he accepted
me for being me


the one thing that
makes everyone enjoy
life is love


i want to spend my life
finding all the people i
truly love- what else
is there to live for?


i sit here & fold
little paper hearts
& wonder if anyone will
ever take them


friends with benefits;
one way to destroy a friendship


there are some times
when people tie you down
to do things but what's there
in life but to explore?


when i'm with you,
i feel like i'm flying
with wings on my back


& all she needs to know is if
you love her or not
let's stop playing games


love isn't about doing
anything for him
but doing something
for yourself


we don't need bracelets
to represent our friendships
nothing is equivalent
to real friendships


nothing is compared
to what you do
to make me
adore you


time is always the
best answer to heal
deep wounds in your heart


when i was little,
i always believed my father
would be the only guy in my life
as i grew older, i discovered
there was more


i want to look at
photographs of us &
20 years later, i want
you to be there to laugh
at all the great memories we had


& she dreamed about being
that girl he would always
be afraid of losing


i never found the words to say
that you're the one i think
about each day


no matter where life takes you
you'll never forget about your
first true love


every night, thoughts &
memories of you always
race through my mind


say anthing else but
the word: friends


honestly, you were
the one who made
me believe in myself


i'm so set for the
rest of my life
because of you


you're one of the
most incredible people
i've ever met in my life


&& he's the only one she sees
& she loves the way he looks
at her


people who start drama
are usually people who are
bored with their own life


i can show you the world
shining, shimmering, splendid


let your heart decide
who you love
not your mind


i would run an infinite number
of miles just to be with you


i've been dying to tell you
how much i miss you,
but somehow it never
comes out


i don't want this to
just fade away, i want this
to really happen


&& she could never walk away
from his deep blue eyes


i don't care about the stars
saying that we shouldn't
be together, just as long as
you love me, i don't care

HEY PEOPLE!!! LISTEN!! *WAvES FRANTICALLY* THE PEOPLE I HAVE A RELATION WITH PUT YOUR BIRTHDAY IN MY QUESTBOOK, DAY,MONTH YEAR AND THEN I CAN MAKE YOU A PREZZIE! =3 ALL OF YOU DO IT NOOOOW! ...PLZ

Right! Ok! Loads of People have been wondering, What my sudden diary rubbish is about, So I might as well fill you in. . .
I live In London as most of you know, Its pretty rough, drugs, sex and rape you know...Well My dad was ment to pick me up from a friends house, but his car is broke so he couldn't use it, he didn't want me walking home alone since it was late and stuff, so he came to my friends house and I wasn't there I'd gone to a party (Which I didn't tell them about) So he started walking back home, and got beaten up by some drunk guys, he doesn't know what they look like or anything but recently these guys have been hanging around our houses, Max's mostly, throwing rocks at peoples windows, scratching cars and graffiti the lot, My mom called me on my phone, I was drunk then sort of, So I wasn't with it she told me to come home or something and I exploded say all this shit about her not being able to control me and that I wasn't her slave. I only know this because Max and Tyler where there and they told me on the phone the next day. Anyways! When My friends mum was giving me a lift home, we saw loads of police cars and we couldn't get past, 'coz they where blocking the road, So we parked and waited for it to be sorted, but when they started putting someone on the ambulance, I recognized him, My dad. I don't remember what I did, I think I threw up or something and My friend and her mom was shouting at me.

I must've fainted from shock or because I was so out of it or something because when I woke up, I was in bed at home, My head was fucking throbbing soooooo badly it was the worst, I was still in the clothes I went to the party in though. I got up and no one was home but there was a note on the table, saying "I'm at the hospital, call me - mom" something like that, then I remembered my dad and that he was ment to pick me up, he had offered at dinner. I started crying and I couldn't call my mom, I feel so shit right now, I sat at the window for nearly 5 hours without moving or doing anything. My mom came home around 8 or 9 and told me what had happened, I just stared at her and she hugged me. I couldn't help but think "OMG I COULD'VE KILLED MY OWN DAD!" Ya see, My parents are really loving and caring, they would NEVER hitt me, they NEVER have they hardly ever swear at me or at anyone else when me or my brother is around. They always kiss me goodnight. I love them so much so this broke me up. Its been a week now, My dad came home on Thursday, I was good at hiding all this at first but then it started to get to me. I am going to tell my mum later, The thing is I think my dad "does" blame me, he keeps looking at me when I walk past his bedroom, since the doors open for when he needs to call mom, he gives me the ashamed look. When he is better I think, I am in for hell.

- Kai. xxx

Happy now? ¬_¬
P.S I really didn't want to tell anyone about this, I'd have dealt with it 'coz I know you all probally won't beleive me or give a shit. I don't mind but you asked. So I told you. It can't be helped and I can and will cope with it. I love my mum and my dad I'd do anything and I mean if it was dying to take back what I did. So when I was dancing some big man must've been hitting my dad. ;_; That scares me, Im such a selfish bitch! I'm a fuck up!
I am not attention seeking! Or Lying! Ask Max [ritsuka.] If you must. But I don't care what you lot all think but thats what you get for living in "god-damn" London.

.................................................. -.-;

HAHA!

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW MUSTANG! *Drools*

The only good thing about having your
heart broken is that sooner or later there's
nothing left to break



she's going through an emotional
hurricane inside but nobody knows.

When I'm older & my little girl
Asks me who my first love was..
I don't want to have to pull out an
Old photo album.. I want to be able to
Point across the room and say
"He's sitting right over there"

I'll go to sleep in your shirt..
Listen to only your voice..
Dreaming of only your face..
And still want more of you in
the morning..

You'll fall in love with the most unexpected people at the most unexpected times.

Y0U MAKE ME FEEL SO
B-E-A-U-T-i-F-U-l

l o v e
we think about it
dream about it
sing about it
when we dont have it
we search for it
when we discover it
we dont know what to do with it
when we have it were afraid of losing it
its the short word thats easy to spell
difficult to define
and impossible to live without

all my friends ask why i'm so hung up on you
after all the shit you put me thought.
it's hard to explain & i wish they could realize
why it's ike to look at you through my eyes.

there's always going to be
those akward moments when
we're around each other and
remember how it used to be.

she's such a pretty little thing
but when they give her compliments
she just wants them to shut up,
because no matter what
she still isn't good enough for him.

i'm reading your note over again
there's not a word that i can't comprehend
except when you signed it
"i will love you always & forever"

you learn alot about people
when you listen to the songs
that mean something to them.

& he said "i'll love you forever"
& she smiled and said, "just warn
me when forever starts to end."

want to know the truth, instead
of wondering why. i want to know the
answer.. no more lies.

the problem with guys:
they make you believe they love you
when they don't.
the problem with girls:
they make you believe they don't love you
when they do.

-&& you don't know how much it h.u.r.t.s ;;
when he finally tells you who he likes
& its not your name ..

one SONG can spark a moment
one FLOWER can wake a dream
one TREE can start a forest
one BIRD can herald spring
one SMILE brings a friendship
one HANDCLASP lifts a soul
one STAR can guide a ship at sea
one WORD can frame a goal
one VOTE can change a nation
one SUNBEAM lights a room
one CANDLE wipes out darkness
one LAUGH can conquer gloom
one STEP must start each journey
one WORD must start each prayer
one HOPE will rise our spirits
one TOUCH can show you care
one VOICE can speak with wisdom
one HEART can know what`s true
one LIFE can make a difference
you see.. it's up to » you «

i'm wasting another night
just thinking about you </3

People tell you to move on.
But when your still in love with him,
it's practically impossible.

it's not the fact that i miss being your girlfriend..
i just miss being in your life


depression is strange...im so lucky... I love my parents and friends..so why do I feel so rotten... x.x selfish...traitor...vermin..argh

I thought you said "foreveR" but I must've been mistaken for "never".....

-_.::Kai~&~Cathy::._- THANKS CATHY!! ;_;

blame me and go ahead with
with your life as you always
did;force my stomach to purge
the words i might have eaten
in a feast of victorious
self-indulgence.



i simply lost my head again
i lost it all when i heard your
voice in a tone like the storm
that never strays.



though your presence is non-
existent, your stench still looms
in every memory.



i walk on ways of sadness to
see the frustration of truth, hope
that it will be endless to see that
i am real.



someday, in the event that
mankind actually finds out
what the world revolves around,
thousands of people will be
shocked and perplexed to
find out that it was not them.



and if i cant have you, ill just
close my eyes and pretend he's
you...pretend you are mine.



i can see the world through
your window and i sing to
you every night from here.



today i prayed my plane would
crash, you'd see it on the news
and you'd think of me as much
as i thought of you.



i keep the lights off;i know your
right here. you cant say no to
me in my dreams.



its body as frail as paper and wet
from her tears. she knelt in the
damp grass and prayed it to heaven
gently pressing its head to her heart
the devils in the daughters room.



she cried when she found it and he
smiled while he watched her



you lose your tongue at the scent
of burning flesh and your mouth
was so proud of your existence.
i guess you wont be coming
home a martyr.



this empty chest;this hollow throbbing
this empty shell will help you sleep
and your name will come in time but
for now, take a number.



we are pretty when we are faking
im such a liar when i smile.



father dont you cut the rope i want
to die here, open eyes, dimmer, a
chandelier. the sirens must flock
me to a new desitination.



on the surface where we fought
thats where your insides rot and
you attempted heartless manslaughter
sunken ships belong underwater



he will enter to find there is no
treasure here, just a hollow mass
of waste and death.



you look so clean but your dressed
to fit this scene;you are a virgin;you
are taken a liar.



youve only got eyes for me now,
youve only got time for me now
your only got eyes for me now and
you know how blind i am without you.



she breathes no chorus but i move her
lips to for the words "i love you" and
i taste her lips and i know she loves me.



as he's dying in his dreams i hope your
choking in your sleep.



paint your walls with his insides and
hang his life above your bed;paint
your walls with his insides and try
to sleep now.

bet you love this...now peel back
the skin dear, peel back the skin.
and he'll just smile, but he's only
smiling to deny the pain.



:and when the time is
right, you'll see how it's
funny how little it takes
for you to become
everything you say
you hate.

IM FED UP OF BEING SO GULLABLE! LOVE ISANT REEEEALL!!

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU MY HEART TEARS LIKE ITS PAPER!!

Soz guys Im in a depressed mood......

God pull the fucking trigger…...take me away……I want no more pain…..end this day. Wrap the rope around my neck…..kick out my chair…..just leave me hanging…..gasping for air.


So let me take this medicine to quench my thirst for violent things.


She only wanted someone to love.


Emotion is my middle name I lie in bed and listen to the rain, put happy thoughts in my head, but I find instead the hurting words you said.


By the end of our romance my wrists were covered in scars.


We are the outcasts, we are the ones that are different, we are the ones that never get along with anyone else, we are the ones that went back to our rooms and put on our headphones and listened to those records that made us happy.


And I won’t cross these streets until you hold my hand.


Another cutter, another freak, another dork, another geek, another prep, another jock, another whore, and more punk rock, another hater, another “G”, another scar they put on me, another label that happens to fall when no one really knows the person at all.


And I’m finally realizing I meant nothing to you, that the little kisses you gave me were no different to the ones you gave your ex, that your promises could be broken as easily as they’re made because you didn’t care, that every I love you that came out of your mouth meant absolutely nothing, that the last words you said to me there’s something else meant that you moved on before you even let go, that every word you spoke was a lie, and now I’m finally realizing that goodbye really does mean forever.


She sits in her corner singing herself to sleep, wrapped in all of the promises that no one seems to keep; she no longer cries to herself no tears left to wash away, just diaries of empty pages feelings gone astray.


All those scars on her arms don’t worry; she says they’re little notes to remind her how many times you broke your heart.


To depressed to go on you’ll be sorry when I’m gone. I’m forced to fake a smile a laugh everyday of my life…..

My diary...these are things from my diary at home, that I write in before I go to bed... -.-;

meh.... right now.....i'm at the point where i cud let out the biggest/loudest/angriest/saddest scream u cud ever hear in the world.....not the ear piercing scream....that one's different.....but the " i'm angry and i feel like i got stabbed" kinda scream....the loud angry one.....

"y?" u ask? *sighs* well.....i was bored....pulled an all nighter....i was already kinda depressed about not being able to find these 2 songs that reminded me of my grandpa and my dad.....then i had coffee with my dad....things were all good....but i got back on the computer....and i took quizzes that reminded me about stuff i keep in the back of my head.....and for sum reason....i didn't put the memories back like i normally wud.....i kinda sat there thinking about them.....playing them over and over in my head.....stupid thing to do....i shud know better.....but for once....these memories didn't make me sad like normal....they made me this awkward combination of both......and that's actually not as bad......for me at least.....

but i'm gradually getting better.....not thinking about the memories so i'm fine....i've pushed them away again.....

*decides i need to say something else so it doesn't leave u thinking i'm sum depressed emo* umm....yeah i suppose i'll just continue on with my diary...

Nov.22nd
-dad's knee was healing good from the surgery
-excited about trip to NC (as always)

Feb. ?, 2004
-i'm lonely (haha lol....aren't we all?)
-i have alotta homework
-Quote straight from my diary: "AHHHH!! I WANT TO DIE!!" (aha....i have found the start of my emo phase- no i never cut myself)

April 18th
-mom doesn't believe that i'm really sick (now that i think back on it....i doubt i was really sick...)
-talks more about my feelings of lonliness and depression....
-i was actually crying while writing this entry....it told me so...the book doesn't lie...
-AHAHAH!! IT TALKED ABOUT THE BIKER GUY THAT CRASHED INTO OUR FRONT PORCH!!! OMG I NEED TO TELL U ALL ABOUT THIS ONE!!

ok so my mom was being really really really annoying that day(like she is most days) and she was like "BAHHH!!! KAI!!!! LISTEN TO THESE CHRISTIAN SONGS FOR THE PRAISE TEAM OR I'LL KILL YOU!!!" ok....so maybe she didn't say it exactly like that lol....but anyway so i was like "FINE!!! SHUT THE F*** UP!!!" ok....maybe i didn't say it like that either...lol....but anyways i go outside with my headphones and i'm laying there listening to the songs when i hear this motorcyle gang riding up the hill....so they stopped at the nieghbor house for awhile....then they started riding back down.....i was kinda watching yet not (ya know when ur looking in a direction but yet ur kinda lost in thought so u don't really see what ur looking at?) ....all the sudden i hear a BANG!! so i look over all confused like....and i see all these ppl around my porch.....and i had kinda seen someone crash into our porch but yet i was in dream land so not really.....i heard the ppl talking so i quickly understood what was going on....i run inside i'm like "yo! someone crashed into our porch!" ok.....maybe not with the "yo" in there lol.....so they went outside while i grabbed my stuff and went inside while the cops interrigated my parents. haha lol. the guy ended up being fine....he was wearing a helmet and stuff.....i think he broke his wrist or sumthin....

ahh yes...so back to the diary
-ahaha....this was also the day i talked about when me, jesse, and sum other ppl went to see other churches (remember, jesse? it was the day we made a list of complaints about the church like "the church didn't have a dancing monkey" haha lol)
-i also talked about how i wasn't believing mom's "oh ur so important to us" act

April 22nd
-LMAO! MY FIRST ENTRY ABOUT THE CRAZY GIRL!! lol don't ask....she's this girl that lives next door to me....jesse *evil grin* he wud know all about her ^_^ *feels like mentioning a game she likes to play with him but decides not to out of the goodness of my heart* anyways....i talked about how she just comes over into my yard without warning when i'm spending time with dad.

May 12th, 2004
-i mentioned a sequence game that i played with dad.....but my hand is so overcome with carpal tunnel right now......owww....hurts like hell so i'm not gonna go into the game thing...
-amanda's not fat (lmao....i'm being captain obvious in this diary entry lol)
- oh god....i talked about Sarah roberts and how i hated her haha lol....*shudders* ya know...if u wanna know about this one...u ask me urself...lol...

June 14th, 2004
-talked about how birthdays suck more as u get older (so true...)
- played with my nieghbors little boy, matthew (awww he was adorable ^_^)
-complained about snowdays and how everyone got out before me lol
-i'm bored