erm . . . confusion of everything lately . . . life, prom, relationships, stupid shit like that

Prom is driving me insane, stupid people with thier ideas and wanting certain things. I hate that im the one that always ends up planning things. letta is not going to prom with me, shes going with Dan and im going with Jake, which isnt a problem to me. Its just that everybody keep telling me i should be taking someone else instead. The same someone that was in the closet with me yesterday 2 times. Its a rather large closet :-p. Poor thing has to hide themselves today. Erm . . . not sure what to do with them. Not sure what to do in that area at all anymore.

A poem i wrote about 2 weeks ago

Today

I started smoking again today
I put the bottle down today
I closed the pill cabinet today
I decided to empty the bottle today
I placed the razor back today
I took some extra tylonal today
I felt the blade on my wrist today
I hid the scars today
I pressed the cigerette to my arm today
I glided the razor down today
I scratched at the wounds today
I forced down the blade today
I ripped apart my skin today
I stored away the bullets today
I ignored my friends concerns today
I gave up today

A few really old poems:

Past

Looking back at the past
Seeing all the things Ive done
I would be happier
If id just have none

Deciet and betrayal
Plauge my exsistance
Crimson tides still
Flow down my body

Screaming for my end to come
Waiting for my blood to pour
Cant you see
My throat has never been this sore

I feel so numb
without a soul
That even when it's warm
I only feel cold

Without a mask
Where do you hide
I know who you are
Im unable to love you anymore

Kali yells to me
"Stay away from him"
In disbelief I didnt know
If you were saving me or raping me

To say that you crossed the line
Would surely be a lie
Truth is you punched and kicked
Your way through to me

How can you trust
When everyone's so far away
Tension builds inside
Get it away from me

Everything is so loud and clear
As i tell you all
The thinges i fear
But you cant hear me

Clutching my cure
I throw it out the door
Ive had no options left
SHould have realized that before

As the blood drips
To the floor
I know Ive known
That I cant love anyone anymore


Pain

I tried to kill the pain
That you left here with me
How could you do that
After you said you loved me

Now i lay inside myself
Trying to wake up
Unable to move
Choking on all the blood

All i feel is your hands
Closing in on me
putting me in your box
Choking me


Rememberance of my death

Slowly,
All around
The shadows gather
My dread gros
As the dagger of your word fall against my heart.
It mutilates me
And crimson tears
Drop to the dead grass
In pain i beg forgiveness
While death laught cruely
Now alone
My cascade of tears fall upon uncaring eyes

This is because of you

a few things i keep hearing from people these last few days:

What is WRONG with being a lesbian?

Please tell me cause I dont have enough time to figure this out. Im spending to much time with my girlfriend to comtemplate this.

And if you are male and you tell me that its a shame that my girlfriend and i are lesbians, im not naive. I know your motive behind the statement, we both do. And the thing you said about lesbians being quitters because *we are like, ooops i cant get a guy so instead oooh she looks pretty* was absurd if not completly wrong. We are hit on all the time, by both guys and girls. To tell us that we are quitters is rude and completly out of line.

also:

The hair on my head . . . whose is it? . . . . You all seem to think that it is YOURS.

Its not.

So i cut it off, why do you care? It will probably become shorter soon too.

This was actually posted on Myspace originally on Valentines Day. Wasnt having that great of a day...but most of you know that.

In the past two years all this fucking shit has happened; stuff i wanted to know, stuff i didnt, and stuff i couldnt give a damn about. All the stuff i wanted to know about, that i should have known about i just found out about yesterday. I cant go back now and tell my friends and their familys "im sorry i missed another funeral....im sorry i wasnt there to try and keep her on the right path....im sorry she didnt learn from my mistakes". All the shit that is happening lately is stuff i dont want to know or stuff i couldnt give a damn about. People are getting to fucking confused when it comes to their problems. Yes i love that you can tell me that i cope with problems very well, but please dont come to me with yours when i went through the *almost same thing* last week. I am your friend so i will tell you the truth and how i feel even if thats not what you want. Usually i love this time of year, everything seems to be easy and all the decisions you have to make are there for you when needed. Currently it feels like all of my decision making skills seem to be a bit fuzzy. There are only two things that seem to want to stay constant and unquestionable. I wish that i had a few of me, each had to follow a strict set of guidelines. One that had to worry about valentines day and relationships, and had to feel bummed when they get to see their boyfriend for about 5 minutes total on valentines day. Another that i would like to entitle *slumber party* because i know that every girl understands her role. She is to hang out with friends, gossip, eat way to much chocolate, and laugh. Another is the *clone* of me that gets to hear all the problems my friends need help with. But after all those are gone, you have the clone that i think i am right now, *alone clone*. The one that doesnt want anything to do with anyone. The one that feels that nothing can ever go right for them. That they should just find a way to kill her own personal *cancers*. The one that already knows the way.

As a birthday gift, a friend got me a guardian angel. This was why:

"you have been a saving grace recently. I dont know how you go through what you do and still manage to have such an amazing heart. Since no one seems to guard you, Im giving you this guardian angel. Its very old, so its protected a lot of people. I honestly hope it protects you as well."

i asked them to be my guardian angel, but they said they simply where'nt good enough. Will anyone be my guardian angel? . . .




besides the normal responses like "i love you babe, dont feel that way", one of my friends sent me something that made me feel alot better. Here is that response:

Babe, you're one of the strongest people I know out there and one of the few truthful and bluntly honest people as well. Those kinds of people are so hard to find when everyone's out for themselves and worrying too much to enjoy life. You take on others' problems, jsut don't let their problems bring you down to a state of depression that you can't get out of. If you ever get there, give me a call. You don't know how much you made my day yesterday giving me that chocolate rose.

I wish there were more of you (more to love and enjoy) and I wish that I could make all of your problems go away, but wishing doesn't get you anywhere I've come to realize. So all I can offer is to be here for you if you ever need someone. I'll be your shoulder if you need it, hell, I'll even rip my shoulder off so you can carry it around if I'm not there . . .but that could get a little messy. >_<. I'll be here for you if you need a talk even if it's just me listening because it's never good to bottle things up . . .I know that all too well. All I'm saying is that you've been there for me when I needed it and you're too strong of a person to me with a huge heart.

You don't know how tempted *name* and I were to just drive down to your house when you called us . . .I was this this close to putting that left turn signal on if *name*'s parents hadn't been nazi-like. Babe, be strong and if you ever need someone, I'll be here . . .now just a phone call away.

*huggles* and one huge *GLOMP*