He makes me worry about him a lot.
I don't want to.
But I do.


Ah well.

I'm supposed to call him in an hour.
Passing time.
La la la.

Alex broke up with Erica.
He came to my sisterssss.
I sat on his lap all night, and he was like..
Being really cute. I can't explain it.

I don't know...
I'm happy, I guess.

I hate crying.
I hate it so much.




...I wish I could hate him.

I've been in such an amazingly good mood lately. I know it's because of Alex, but still...it's weird.
On Monday night I stayed the night with him, Kike, and Freddy. I slept on the floor with Alex, and we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. I fell asleep halfway through it. At about 3 I woke up again, and he was still awake. We kinda like, smiled at eachother, and held hands and shit. I don't know. He's just so cute.
Kike woke us up at 8:45 and we smoked a few cigarettes and shit beore he had to go to work. He took the three of us to Freddys, and we went to the mall and stuff. Alex stole some green hairdye, so I ended up dying Freddys hair and Alex did his own. I got attacked by the hose, and was soaking wet for like two hours. It was neat?

I can't believe I'm actually this happy for once. I mean, I know Alex and I aren't together...but I do want to be, and when we're together, he acts like he does too. I don't know what to do about it, but right now I'm perfectly fine doing what I'm doing now. Tonight I'm probably going back down to Greeley because Chez is coming back, which makes me so fucking happy you have no idea, and then we're all going to get drunk. Not sure what'll happen, but I'm sure it'll be fun.

What I've recently realized?
That when Alex kisses me...
Everything is all right.
And.... it's a feeling that I so rarely get to feel.
But Friday..
I felt it.
And it feels so good.



I hate the way you talk to me,
And the way you cut your hair,
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots,
And the way you read my mind,
I hate you so much that it makes me sick,
It even makes me ryhme.
I hate the way you're always right,
I hate it when you lie,
I hate it when you make me laugh,
Even worse when you make me cry.
I hate the way you're not around,
And the fact that you didn't call,
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,
Not even close,
Not even a little bit,
Not even at all.

I made a picture. Hehe.

HECALLED.

:]

I want him to call me.
That's all I want.


Atleast give me a clue?

Narff.

I have a butt.

Alex might come camping with me from tomorrow until Sunday.

Kelly and Cody had their baby.
Her name is Brooklyn.
Aww.

Too many people in this world have become inconversable. Your feeble minds have become warped, and you have all conformed into what has been asked of you. Brainwashed; taken over by society, the government, the entire fucking world around you. Daily life is that of a slaughterhouse, and I am your butcher, I am the God that you have looked for, the Satanic figure you have feared. I am life; I am death. Irate, spiteful, sarcastic, grim, bitter, malicious, authentic, delirious, intense, cynical, indignant...I am the things you will never understand, that which is uncomprehendable.
I was placed here to please no one being.

He treats me so good.
He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy.
He's there for me, he cares for me.

So why do I question him?
Why do I worry about what he's doing when I'm not around?
Why do I cry like this?

He hasn't done anything wrong. He's done everything right. Heartbreaks from my past are quickly catching up, and I'm beginning to realize that my scars will never completely fade out. I'm so afraid that he's going to hurt me, and why? Because of the mistakes the others have made with me. I want to be with him. I want to be with him so fucking bad, so why do I do this?



I just want to be happy again.

Me: Hey, I'm going to be going to Ashley's Friday because she's not allowed to leave her house for a month..you can come if you want, if not I'll see you Monday.
Patrick: Are you sure it's okay if I go?
Me: Yeah, we'll just be all like, sober watching movies and stuff..might be kinda boring.
Patrick: I don't need alcohol to be with you.
Me: Alright. Gah, I miss you.
Patrick: I miss you too, but Friday isn't that far away.


fksjdfkj GAHHHHH.
He makes me feel amazing. And wanted.




I don't think I've been this happy in a long time.

It was a good night.

I swear..
My heart's just going to quit beating pretty soon.

The lunatic is in my head.
You raise the blade,
You make the change,
You rearrange me 'till I'm sane.
You lock the door,
And throw away the key,
There's someone in my head..
But it's not me.

She was divinity's creature
That kissed in cold mirrors
A Queen of Snos
Far beyond compare
Lips attuned to symmetry
Sought Her everywhere
Dark liqoured eyes
An Arabian nightmare...



I want to cry.

I know you hate it.
The fact that I'm slowly trying to move on with my life.
But the truth is,
No matter where we are,
Who we're with,
Or what we're doing with our lives..

I will ALWAYS love you.
And you will always be my first love.
Don't think otherwise.



I wish you wanted me,
But if you don't,
I'm not waiting around for something..
That will never happen...