[Beki in Wonderland]'s diary

113294  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2008-04-04
Written: (5838 days ago)
Next in thread: 113295

Anyone reading this, i don't care who you are, i need your help. I'm a horror movie junkie. I love to be scared, but i'm running out of decent movies. Everything i've watched recently has been shite, nothing scares me and it's no fun. Reccomend a good horror movie for me. If it reaches 8 or above on my scare-scale, i will love you forever. That is all.

111046  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2008-01-28
Written: (5905 days ago)
Next in thread: 111056

I NEED YOUR HELP GUYZ!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK D00DZ!!!! I have just this second established something. These last couple of years i have been obsessively trying to improve my drawing ability, drawing constantly, and as a result i think it's safe to say i have made a massive improvement in my ability to draw people... HOWEVER. My ability to draw ANIMALS is... lacking slightly... SO. Here is a proposition to all you friends (or anyone else) out there who may be reading this. Give me an animal, any animal, and i'll try and draw it in my style. You can choose colours and markings and a name if you wish, or you can just yell something like 'ZEBRA!!!' at me, and i'll draw it! I'll even draw you as an animal of your choice if that's what you want, i just desperately need animal drawing practice!!! Drop me a message if you feel like motivating a very un-motivated artist to practice drawing animals XD

Thankies! X3

</ramblement>

110578  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2008-01-15
Written: (5917 days ago)
Next in thread: 110604

Zomg.. I've been spend spend spending and not think think thinking XD I keep buying random shit on ebay, i'm going to get a bunch of packages through the door and my dad will be like 'wtf have you been up to woman?!?!' I bought Alex a latex nurse outfits (seriously, dont ask me why, it seemed like a great idea) i got Amz's gas mask, some new boots of cyber goggles for me, and some shit for my mum.. I seriously need to learn how to manage my money XD

</ramble>

110168  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2008-01-06
Written: (5926 days ago)
Next in thread: 110281

×´`•¸.•ºA good friendº•.¸•´`×
º•.¸•´`×Will pick you×´`•¸.•º
×´`•¸.•ºBack up whenº•.¸•´`×
×´`•¸.•ºYou fall but yourº•.¸•´`×
º•.¸•´`×Best friend will laugh×´`•¸.•º
×´`•¸.•ºAnd push you rightº•.¸•´`×
º•.¸•´`× *Back down* ×´`•¸.

This is true. XD XD

</spam>

109271  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-12-10
Written: (5953 days ago)

Bah. Elftown is down again, which is very upsetting as i normally rant in my ET diary when i'm bored or have something interesting to say... So today i will rant in my EP diary! Which i haven't done for a while so it probably feels a bit neglected anyway...

Right. First things first. My birthday party is on Friday and it's at Spavens sweet shop! I went there today to sort it all out and i insisted that it be really childish and cute (despite the fact that it's my 17th birthday XD) So we get these big jars with our names on that we can decorate and then fill with sweets to take home, we get crepes and ice cream, make-your-own ice cream sundaes and a bag of pop-corn and candy floss (cotton candy to american folk :p) to take home! Then mum is taking us to the cinema, and then pizza hut! It's gonna be soooo awesome X3 Only me, Alex and Ruth are going because it's £9.50 a head and if mum's paying for pizza hut and cinema too... That's going to tot in at about £50... So yeah, just the three of us, but that's cool with me as they're my two best friends... I've just thought i might try and blag my mum to let me have 1 more person... Rach has been a bit down recently, i think i should ask her if she wants to come... I'll see if mum's ok with that, she probably will be.

Now... What else did i want to talk about?? Work tomorrow, i have the feeling i'm going to be bored shitless doing my training =___= oh well, i'll be raking in £124 a week so i think i can handle it XD Erm... What other interesting and wonderful things are happening at the moment?? My msn is doing something weird tonight o_O i'm not sure what it's problem is, but i'm just going to leave it alone XD ...Erm... Busy weekend this weekend... Josh is taking me out on Saturday (bwahahaha, more money spent on me X3 this has been my most expensive birthday yet XD) and me and my family are going out for Sunday lunch at the Hungry Horse (also for my birthday!) ...on Sunday, obviously XD So... No rest for the wicked i suppose! Then i only have Wednesday and Friday off next week, i'm working for the rest of it *and death* Then Christmas holidaaaaays!!! But i'm working until 10 on Christmas eve, how crap is that?! ...Well i agreed to work till 10 on Christmas eve, because i get payed double XD and it's probably good for me as it'll tire me out... I'm soooo excited this year i can so see myself not sleeping on Christmas eve XD so 5 and a half hours hard labour (standing behind the jewellery counter XD) should tire me out enough so that i sleep!

OOOOH!! AND! I have completely forgotten what i was going to say o_O it had something to do with work... Oh yes, because i'm impatient and i can't wait until January 15th for my paycheck, i've asked for an advance payment XD so i get £160 some point this month! and then i'll get somewhere in the region of £320 in the new year! So my plan is to drag Alex shopping with all her birthday money and we'll go on a spreeeeeeeeee of shoppingness! And i'll pay for lunch XD ...She doesn't know the plan yet, but i'm sure she'll agree that it's a good one XD

That is all.

</ramble>

108443  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-11-25
Written: (5968 days ago)

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

I am currently having one of those moments... You know when you want to draw something and you can visualise it in your head perfectly... But it just doesn't want to come out of your brain and onto the paper properly... Fucking human anatomy has to be so bloody complicated *grumbles* ...And my stupid muse isn't helping at all *kicks Kaine* GARGH.

Oh well, i'll just keep drawing like a mad thing until i get it right XD

That's all i had to say i think...

</ramble>

108371  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-11-24
Written: (5969 days ago)
Next in thread: 108425

Rofl, my dad never ceases to amuse me... And Amz is corrupting my whole family o___O My mum was cleaning the sink:

Dad: What're you doing that for you prick, i did it yesterday!
Mum: I just think it's dirty.
Dad: ...So's your face.
Mum: Oh for God's sake *throws cloth at dad* who started that?!
Me: *rofling in a corner*

107993  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-11-12
Written: (5981 days ago)
Next in thread: 108426

I have developed a really bad habit.. Every now and then i'll just yell something at the top of my voice, for no reason whatsoever. Just random noises most of the time, sometimes words. It's really bizarre. I'll just feel this build up of tension, then eventually i'll scream something pointless XD it's highly amusing, but a little worrying o_O

106945  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-15
Written: (6009 days ago)

OMG lol, Char XD XD <333

Me: ...But that's rape... Isn't it? You agree with non-consenting-ness in your manga?!
Char: OH COME ON! When are they EVER none consenting?! They always bloody go "NO NO NO oh go on then." ..There's no such thing as rape in Yaoi...
Me: ...Just violent sex?
Char: Violent and stereotypical sex. Usually involving cat ears. And cream and strawberries for some reason. Or jam.
Me: LOL jam.

God that made me nearly wet myself laughing, it really did XD Seriously, i love her so much X3 Why the hell she has to move away to Bristol i'll never know XD she only comes back once every few weeks, it's so depressing! Oh well, we can still have our pervy conversations over the phone! All is not lost! XD

</ramble AGAIN> (sorry)

106941  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-15
Written: (6009 days ago)

YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT ME DA!!!!!!

Lololol, no i just went and joined Y-Gal instead of lurking around like a lurking pervert... cuz Ladychimera, Fedini and GDD all have accounts over there too XD XD Stop me looking at mature content art now DA *sticks tongue out* ...Yeah, i'm mature. Honestly though... DA is digging itself a nice deep grave here... And as someone said once (i think it may have been Adam) "Well, you've dug the grave, so you might aswell sleep in it." ...It makes no sense, but it sounds good! So yes DA, go and sleep in your bloody grave!! I will find loopholes in your stupid system... Like... Well joining Y-Gal and Sheezyart for one thing... YES I AM GOING TO JOIN YOUR RIVAL SITE ACTUALLY!!!! YES!!!! That's what happens when you deny me my freedom!!!! So la-di-da to you, fascists!!!! *waves flag with 'poo' written on it* if you're going to treat me like an immature teenager, I WILL ACT ACCORDINGLY!!!!!!!!


In other news, i like my men how i like my coffee..........







In a plastic cup. With a spoon in them.






That is all.







</ramble of crapness> 

106723  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-10-09
Written: (6015 days ago)

*grumbles* waiting for AMV Hell 4 to download... it's the last one they're doing! I'm dead upset, i really love ALL the AMV Hells ;__; i will indeed be pining for an AMVH 5 XD

Omg, i know i'm always quoting Em in this, but she's just so damned funny i can't help it XD Well, i find her funny X3 We were chatting via webcam at about 4am last night:

Me: I just always see Saix as this pathetic little puppy creature..
Em: Nuu, he's no puppy! He's awesome!
Me: I never said he wasn't.. But for some reason i can't draw him as none-pathetic.
Em: (in a pathetic voice) Saix is my world i live in!

and that just made me LOL so hard XD I don't know what it is, but that woman can always make me laugh like a lunatic. I swear she pumps laughing gas down her microphone and it somehow comes out of my speakers o___O And another moment:

Em: You know, the Mansex joke is almost getting old.
Me: Almost.
Em: You know what isn't though? The Xigbar anagram joke.
Me: There's a Xigbar anagram joke?
Em: Mmmhm. You can remix his name into Bigrax.

I absolutely died when she said that. She just said it so casually, while eating ice cream XD i almost died laughing. Seriously. I knew you could remix his name as Bigrax, but i've NEVER heard anyone say it out loud. I didn't realise how funny it was XD BIGRAX!! Seriously...

So the Orgy now has Mansex (Xemnas), Bigrax(Xigbar), Mr.Porn (Xaldin..don't ask XD), Vixen (Vexen), Marlicksya (Marluxia), Sexion (Zexion) and Mc.Flurry (Axel.. aka: Flurry of Dancing Flames or whatever it is...) Omg... It's so sad that we have nicknames for imaginary characters XD but it's so funny! X3

Boooooored... AMVH 4 is taking bloody forever... 5% done OAO it's gonna be ages >_< i might go and get a snack, or watch the whole of KH stupid files again... Aaah, the stupid files <3 my crack.

</mainly KH orientated ramble>

106689  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-08
Written: (6016 days ago)
Next in thread: 108427

I'm in a better mood today =) i was right, last night was just a Sunday night downer. I had a good day today, bumming around with all the cool people XD I really do love my friends, no matter how down i'm feeling they can always cheer me up. Me and [Lexxi Scuzz] discovered the best way to get rid of Dominic (this really annoying kid who tags around with our crowd). You just stand at grin manically at him for about 5 minutes, and eventually he runs away XD it was amazingly funny. And Leigh kept barking at him, which was also amusing. Aaaah, times we will always remember <_< >_> Now some may be thinking 'aww, you mean person! BULLY!' but trust me, Dom totally brings it on himself. He's a complete ass. I'll level with y'all, we have a very specific friendship group, and while it's big, it's very obvious who's 'in' and who's most definately 'out' of the clique. Dom is out, but he acts like he's in. And i know it sounds mean to say that, but to tell the honest truth, he's a complete prick. I'd be happy to include him, as i'm sure many other people would be, if he wasn't such a complete jerky fag end! Seriously, all he does is slag people off and cause fights... He's too cocky and thinks he's king of the universe despite the fact that he has no friends. He wears a pink shirt ffs. Some guys can do that and be cool. He can't. Ok, i sound like such a cheerleader bitch now XD I don't mean to, but he really is an ass.. anyway, i've lost the track completely now, what was i talking about?? Oh i've totally forgotten... Nevermind... Aaaah, the conversation i just had with Em made me lol. We were talking over webcam, cuz we're technological geniuses like that. I was writing up my CV at the same time as talking to her XD

Me: *clicks teeth* (something i do when i'm concentrating)
-long silence-
Me: *clicks teeth again*
-long silence-
Em: ...did you just click at me?!
Me: *dies laughing* I totally forgot about the webcam!
Em: I find your clicking offensive!!!!

Ok, it's probably not funny at all to most people, but we found it hysterical so stfu! >___<

OMG, recently i've started speaking in IM. I say lol, rofl, omg, wtf, ftw and stfu out loud ALL the time >_< I can't help it!

Me and Rach got to write all over the walls in the art department today (Y) twas awesome.

That's all i have to say.

</ramble>

106667  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-10-07
Written: (6017 days ago)

*thinking about life, the universe, and everything*

I'm in a generally very down and depressed mood. Em did cheer me up a little though, bless her.

Sora: What do you guys really want?
Xal: More suitable travelling clothes.
Beast: No, my precious Xaldin!

XD aaaah, that did make me lol =3 i can always rely on KH crack to cheer me up when i'm in one of these 'life is hopeless, why bother' moods. KH crack IS my anti-drug. Dunno where i'd be without it :p

*sigh* this is probably just one of those Sunday night downers, but i feel really low at the moment... I'll get into school tomorrow and see all my friends and think 'This is why i'm alive! What was all that fuss about?!'

Ahahahaha, oh Emily. Become a world leader, please. She knows how to cheer me up that woman XD ::

Me: I dunno, i just feel really down... The hopelessness of life is getting to me.
Em: ...You know, life is like a big angry bull. Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns, give it a big hug, and introduce it to yaoi. Honestly, it works.
Me: o___O

She's right of course. Well, about the grabbing the bull by the horns, not the hugging and the yaoi. Although that helps. Really. XD I guess i've been way to busy moping about how life is so difficult, instead of sticking out my elbows and barging my way through life regardless of the problems it throws at me... As a true Johnson should! Aye, i am proud of my heritage i'll have you know. But really. My family has had it tough through the generations, but they've all come out victorious. Ok, the Johnsons are not the richest family in the world, but they're some of the craziest, happiest and most awesome people i know. Whenever i go down to visit the Johnson side of my family, i just feel like i've found my home. And they've all been the kind of people to flip the bird at order and live life in the way they want. That's what i'm going to do. I don't care if i don't get rich, and i'm not successful. If i die happy, that's good enough for me. Aye.

Well, amazingly enough, the path seems clearer now o___O I had a depressing rant in my ET diary, a rant at Em, then a rant of realisation in this diary! All in a days work o___O I feel better now... NOW i'm going to go and sleep XD night all! xxx

</ramble that wasn't meant to happen>

106448  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-10-02
Written: (6022 days ago)

...I have seriously pointy shoulder blades o___O WTH?!

106447  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-10-02
Written: (6022 days ago)

Oh em gee! I'm always doing this... I come online, pansy about a bit, check DA, check ET + EP, check LJ, check youtube (omg, i have friends on there now XD), check all the forums i hang on, then sit here like a gorm staring into space. Eventually i get bored and come and rant in my diary. I shouldn't be ranting in my diary... Me and Emsy did a 1o1 (one on one) rp a while back when i first discovered Kingdom Hearts (and the world pretty much ended because i discovered 12 men who are very obviously gay and wonderfully fun to slash >:3 hehe..)... Aaaaanyway, the RP incorporates our OC's. Toxik is mine, who i created yonks ago specifically for the RP then abandoned on the shelf, and Xanthor is hers... Eeeh, but that's not important... The important part is that i'm supposed to be writing up the RP in story form. But i'm not. I'm sitting here rambling in my diary ¬____¬ It was a request. But noooo, i'm sitting here staring into space and drawing crap. CRAP. Omg... Right, i'm going to stop ranting now before i give myself a migrane. Gotta go write... *pootles off*

</ramble>

106353  Link to this entry 
Written about Monday 2007-10-01
Written: (6024 days ago)

I am so effing bored...

I should totally be tired. Seriously. I was up sooo freaking late last night, mainly because my brain wouldn't stfu for two seconds so i ended up lying on the couch ranting like a mad tramp for hours. Apparently i kept Alex up even though she was like upstairs XD Sorry dear! My brain had alot to say, and i didn't have access to my EP diary :O which is tragic. Ok, i did have access, but it was in the other room, so whatever. Anyway. Yeah. So i woke up with this REALLY bad pain across my chest, and i was like 'wtf, am i having a heart attack?!' then it turns out that Alex had the same thing... So i don't know what the hell it is, but it hasn't gone away yet =( very upsetting. I bet it was because we went for a walk in the middle of the night and it was FREEZING cold... We probably both caught pneumonia or something. If i'm dying, i totally blame Josh. It's all his fault.

My GOD i am so unbelievably bored. It's not right for a human to be this bored. If God existed he would NOT let me get this bored. Because i act like a jerk when i'm bored. I act like a jerk most of the time, but moreso when i'm bored. Seriously. Oh well.

Half day tomorrow, which is grrrreat! Like Frosties <_< >_> ...I have to go to Tesco because my stupid mother didn't understand my shopping list! I asked her to buy butter pop corn and she hasn't and i'm craving it sooo badly, and people should know NEVER to get in the way of a pmsing woman and her cravings. Lol, you so didn't need to know that. But yeah, it may be something to do with the fact that i wrote this on the list:
Popcorn (butter&salt pl0x)
...I don't think she knows what pl0x is, so she just ignored it XD probably thought i would set off a bomb and incinerate the universe if she got popcorn... i don't know, my family is retarded, but we seem to be getting on a hell of a lot better than we used to recently, which is good. Now i just need to sort out the rest of my life... Oh wait, it's sorted! Omg! Hey, look everyone, my life is reasonably stable and good at the minute! Let's have a party or something!

Only issue i'm having at the moment is boyfriend. I've only been with him a week and i'm beginning to get bored already. I don't know what it is with me... One minute i'll be over the moon, on top of the world and surfing on the sun (i made that one up :P) and the next i'll be like 'bitch, please ¬__¬' whenever he tries to speak to me. Seriously, my brain has something wrong with it. I want a boyfriend. I get a boyfriend. I don't want it anymore. GAH! Hah, i get pocky if it lasts over a week though, so i'm thrilled XD I feel like such a bad person now... whatever, i probably am a bad person. Maybe my brain will decide whether or not i want to be single soon.

Omg, Emily just told me that i should be a gay guy O__O that is really worrying, because she's like the 8th person to say that to me in the last week. I don't get it. But yeah, i think i was a gay guy in a past life or something <_< >_> XD

I'm so bored of this now... I'm so bored that i think i'm actually going to go to bed... Else i'll never get up in time for school tomorrow. OMG school, i so can't be bothered... Oh well, i need to get that popcorn before i die from my cravings, so that's one good reason to head off into good old Mold. Seriously though, there can be nothing good about a place called Mold.

I'm going to bed now.

</ramble>

[Chris Crocker is my hero <333 Just to let you know XD]

106244  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-09-27
Written: (6027 days ago)

Ok. Back to ranting. My mind has literally torn itself in half now. So i'm writing from the two different perspectives i'm having, to make this easier.

1: Joe was totally right. Having people close to you, loving people and caring about them only gets you hurt in the end. Having a best friend who says she's better off without you, and is realising who her true friends are as if 4 years of hell and happiness have meant nothing hurts more than you can imagine. Something inside me is telling me that he was right all along, and that we were the stupid ones telling him he was depressed and needed help and that no one can survive completely on their own. But i think we can. So, if this side of my mind wins out, i'm breaking all ties as soon as i'm well enough to go back to school. No friends, no boyfriend, nothing like that. Because recently all it seems to be causing me is pain. I've relied on my friends for far too long, it's time to start relying on Me, Myself and I. I'm not going for the 'love only yourself' angle, but more the 'hate only yourself'. I don't feel like i deserve to have all the amazing people i have/had in my life, so i'm not going to have them anymore. I'll take them away, and i'll be better off for it in the end, because when eventually the time comes for me to leave, it won't hurt nearly as much as it would. My God. I sound so much like Sasuke it's terrifying. Breaking bonds and surviving alone, but i think it's the best way for me to go, because i'll only end up hurting people if i don't do this. Hurting myself is ok... But i've had enough of hurting other people. I'm seeing the world differently. I look at people and think 'I can't let myself get close to them. I'll only end up hurting them.' ...I know i'm probably not making any sense... Fever does weird shit to me... Stupid brother and his stupid stomach bug or whatever the hell this is that i have... Maybe God does exist and he's punishing me for being such a bitch to the world. Good. I deserve it.

2: I'm being stupid and over-emotional. I DO need people, and friends, and love, more than anything else in the world. I need my best friend, even if she's said some pretty hurtful stuff, i'm willing to accept that this silliness has been a misunderstanding and forget about it. I need my boyfriend, even if he is a tit sometimes, he's always a shoulder to cry on. I need my other friends, all of whom i hold dear and i don't know what i'd do without them. I need my family and everything that i have at the moment. All this nonsense these last couple of days has been a relapse into the person i used to be. The cold, hateful, bitter person who thought she could survive on her own without anybody and ended up nearly destroying her own life as a result. I don't want to be her again... Well part of me doesn't... And part of me does... Part of me thinks it would be better that way... And part of me is screaming 'No, no you're making a huge mistake!' ...But all this 'i need..' nonsense makes me sound like such a... burden. A burden to other people. Maybe i'm trying to convince myself that i don't 'need' anything... What the hell am i trying to prove here?? What is the matter with me... Where is my mind going? Wherever it is i get the horrible feeling that i can't follow it... I feel like i'm becoming less and less... what's the best way to describe it? Human? ...Whole. Complete. My mind doesn't feel like it's a part of my body anymore.. I just feel like a bystander, watching myself and thinking 'What a prick.' ...But i don't know how to fix it... WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH ME, of course i know how to fucking fix it.. Stop being a moron, hug all your friends, everything will be ok... i'm sick of it being like that though, fucking 'everything will be fine as long as i have my friends' it sounds like some kind of shitty movie... But i do need my friends, as much as i hate to admit it, i don't think i'd be me without them... Or am i someone else at the moment and i need to go back to being myself?? WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME, I FEEL LIKE I'M LOSING MY MIND, AND OVER WHAT?! A realisation that my friends don't need me as much as i need them? Yes. That's probably what it is. The realisation that i haven't been myself for 5 FUCKING YEARS!!! No one, but NO ONE, knows the real me! WELL HERE SHE FUCKING IS WORLD!!!!! DO YOU LIKE IT?!?! I FUCKING HOPE NOT, BECAUSE I DON'T!!!! Here's the real fucking me, the me that only one person ever really met!!! Hello, wie gehts, how's life for all of you out there today?! I'm just fucking great, having a whale of a time, whatever that supid freaking phrase means. Bye bye, i'm bored now.

106222  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-09-26
Written: (6028 days ago)

Right then... Well i suppose i have alot to say, but i'm not entirely sure how to say it... If i've ever felt like i have split personalities, it's now. My mind seems torn, and for the first time in my life, my heart is being torn two ways aswell... How stupid does that sound? I'm not the loving kind, people know that. I hate to get attached to boys, not because i don't like commitment, but because i'm terrified of getting close to someone and losing them. Now i'm starting to get close to my current boyfriend, and part of me is enjoying it, and part of me feels like it's falling apart... I don't know why, i don't know what's the matter with me. I've been in a vile mood all week so far.. I've lashed out at people i love and hold dear (and at total strangers aswell.. threatening year 7's with quick and painful death o___O) i've refused to go home, i've fought with myself over what the hell i'm doing. I had a fight with my mum and for the first time in my life i actually, genuinely felt like i was capable of grabbing a knife and stabbing someone. Half of my mind has been like that. Violent, moody, anti-social and about as tolerant of people as an angry wasp suffering from severe PMS... The other half of my mind has been... i don't know, relaxed? I'm not sure... I can't describe it... Part of me is looking in the mirror and thinking 'wtf, kill yourself now, you're an awful person' and the other half is thinking 'who cares, this is you. Deal.' ...I can't decide which half i agree with... And all this conflict and crying and pushing people away from me is over Josh and my desperate need to be alone but still loved... An impossible concept really. And the sad thing is, i think this is all because i just can't let Joe go completely. I'm still clinging on to the few tiny little whisps of what we had when he was alive... And that's what's causing all this immense conflict in my brain. I feel happy when i'm with Josh, but also like i'm cheating Joe in some way... I also get the intense feeling that alot of people want me dead at the moment. I'm the most paranoid, self concious person in the world, and i'm convinced that everyone is turning against me... You know that feeling when you're standing in a huge crowd but you feel totally, utterly, completely alone? Ever had that? Like you're in a glass bubble and you want to reach out to people, but can't quite reach. Gah, this is dumb, i'm making myself cry and i have no idea why i'm even crying... Gaaah, i've cried so many times these last few days it's unreal. I spent ages at Gemma's crying my eyes out for no reason with her and Josh... I was sniffling a way like a noob in Psychology today, and Grant was so nice to me it made me cry even more because i barely even know him... Then i was talking to Ruth outside and on came the waterworks again... Then 'Dave' (aka Alan) was being really sweet, which is incredibly unusual and scary, and i was off again giving his shoulder a good soaking. Honestly, they should bundle me off to a third world country, i could provide water for a whole village the way things are going... I suppose alot of stress has been building up that i haven't noticed, and it's all suddenly letting itself out now. But i feel good... For some reason, all the moping and bitching and being generally moody with everyone has made me feel a whole lot better and i'm not sure why... Or maybe it's all the crying out of eyes heart and soul that's done it XD *sigh* i don't know, i suppose this is what life's all about at the end of the day... Coming across obsticals, throwing a tantrum, hitting them with a stick and then trying to figure out a way to get over them. Whatever. I've got my friends, i've got my family again, and somewhere out there i know i've still got my Joey... I also have a dog, but i haven't actually seen her since Monday night o____O I need a cat cuddle.. where is my stupid cat when i need him?? Probably roboting around outside with smarties tubes on his legs... I swear he likes it... That's probably the equivilant of being a drag queen in the cat world.. poor little bugger.. Ah well. Heroes is on now and it feels like forever since i last watched it. I need my fix. I'll probably come back on and rant again at some point, since my mind is still buzzing with things to wtf at... Yes. Now. Away. Before i start bloody crying again.

</pointless ramble>

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