My Wishes...

I wish I was not prone to failure at the worst times in life
I wish I was more independent than I am
I wish I had more work than I do now
I wish I had the money I need
I wish I didnt have this gambling problem

I wish I had the things I constantly dream about
I wish I had friends who werent as two-faced as they are
I wish I didnt have to call upon people as much
I wish I wasnt as much of a hypocrit
I wish I was faithful to all who know me
I wish I could give more than I recieve

I wish I could pull my weight
I wish I was better than who I am now
I wish I was better than this
I wish that my future was certain
I wish I had control of the petty things in life

Just...I need love and support right now...from anyone...

"Love Rollacoaster" by Red Hot Chili Pappers (limewire it)

You give me that funny feeling in my tummy....

Ahw shit, yeah, thats right huh
Rollercoaster of love
Say what
Rollercoaster yeah (oohh oohh oohh)
Oh baby you know what Im talking about
Rollercoaster of love
Oh yeah its rollercoaster time
Lovin you is really wild
Oh its just a love rollercoaster
Step right up and get your tickets

Chorus:
Your love is like a rollercoaster baby,baby I wanna ride yeah (awawaw)

Move over dad cause Im a double dipple
Upside down on th big dip dipper
1,2,1,2,3 ive got a ticket come ride with me
Let me go down on the marry-go-round
All is fair n a big fair ground
Lets go slow. lets go fast
Like a liqourice twist gonna whip your ass.

Rollercoaster
Say what

I will be there for you I will be your man.

Well, I know you can't work in fast food all your life
But don't sign that paper tonight, she said, but it's too late.
I don't remember what I read, I don't remember what they said,
I guess it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter anymore
'Cause you're gonna go to the record store
You're gonna give'em all your money
Radio plays what they want you to hear
They tell me it's cool but I just don't believe it...

Sell out, with me oh yea, sell out, with me tonight
Record company's gonna give me lots of money
And everything's gonna be all right
No more flippin' burgers puttin' on my silly hat
You know I don't want that no more,
I didn't ask when we'd get paid,
I quit my day job anyway,
I guess it doesn't matter, I guess it doesn't matter anymore

You're gonna go to the record store,
You're gonna give'em all your money,
Radio plays what they want you to hear,
They tell me it's cool, but i just don't believe it

Sell out, with me oh yea,
Sell out with me tonight,
The record company's gonna give me lots of money
And everything's gonna be alright.

I don't think it'll be so bad
And I know it won't be so bad
'Cause the man said "that's the way it is"
And the man said "it don't get better than this" no no no
So I signed on to the record company,
They say they're gonna give me lot's of money
If i play what they want you to hear
They tell me it's cool, and I sure believe it...

Do you remember what happened a year ago from today?

365 days ago, I asked a girl out. I had met at the worst point of her life. Darkness was closing in, suicide tormented the mind, and all hope had been lost. Self-degregation, disloyal friends, hateful parents, a troubled past all surrounded her. Darkness was closing in on this girl, with no possibility of a brighter future…

For about a month I had been talking to this girl at school and online. The day I walked into that cafeteria before i met her, I felt something….i couldn’t put my finger on it until now. I learned much about what lay within the blackness in her heart and soul, and began helping her through it. Not out of self-pity, but out of intrinsic nature. We got closer each day, and became good friends. Little did she know I was looking into her soul everyday and seeing something great, yet to be unlocked. And in this something, I found the girl I wanted in my life. Deciding to put everything out on the limb, I asked those faithful words: “Will you be my girlfriend?” Instead of denial, I received, “yes”, and the story continued….

A torch had been lit.

Over the last year, I penetrated her soul with my eyes and sought out her impurities. As the weeks, then months went by, I talked her through the hard times and infused my strength into her. Where she doubted I could succeed, I conquered. Where I conquered, the torch burned brighter, revealing more of herself than she had ever seen. For this she was grateful…and one day, a collar was presented. She took it and wore it with pride, for it was not just a symbol of ownership. It signified, “I have given my mind, body, and soul to this person.” And to that, I pledged to protect them from all eternity. But it also showed that she found someone great, who knew her more than she could ever know herself. 

This girl began to open her eyes and see this light around her, and from it, drew strength.

Through the good times and bad times, this strength kept them together. No matter what the other would do, both could find the strength to forgive the other. This only made them stronger. As friends stabbed our backs, we grew stronger. As false accusations and punishments were made, we grew stronger. As more opportunities were created, we grew stronger. As more of what he said came true, she grew more attached to him. As he kept revealing the girl of his dreams within her darkness, he became closer to her. To this day, this continues to go on, an only strengthen a relationship all others thought would fail…

Barriers have been torn down. New hope has been created. A bright future glows in the distance. And I know she will be by my side, through the easy and hard times, to help see me through them. And I the same. A thousand torches burn illuminate this dark world, and each day they light another. From behind the clouds, a sun is appearing. Soon, the dark world which would have consumed her will vanish in the brightness of our relationship. 

This girl means so much to me…she is the love of my life. Most people say that out of lust for their partner. But the love I talk about stems from something that has been proven many times over the last year. This girl…is intelligent. She is a queen amongst the deck, a caring person amongst the hateful, and a guardian to those who deserve it. God…there are so many traits I can see that she has yet to know. In time, she will discover who I see, and we will both love that person. For this person is the foundation for our relationship, for our love, for the last 365 days we have come to know her.

And this girl, is Abbie Schreier.


1 year down, the future to go...I love you with all that is me, my queen.

Some call me a loser
Some call me a cheater
Some say I'm a selfish untalented dreamer
Cause all's I try to do is keep my dream alive
But it's so hard to do when your working 9 to 5
I've never been one afraid to die
But I'm afraid to leave behind
The precious life that grows through the sands of time
Cause now I've got two daughters
And I know they need their father
To help them make it through all of the devious things that people do
Cause every moment counts from the good times to the bad
I don't have time to envy those that got things I've never had
Cause the one thing most important is the one we take for granted
And until your life is on that line I think it's the way god had planned it
To open up your eyes and make you realize
That to some life is money
But what's money without life
Cause all's I need is the air that I breathe
And my friends and family to believe in me

[hookahdude]
As deep as the abyss where the waters run
As deep as the land of the rising sun
You know I'm down
And even when them odds are against us
It doesn't even matter
Nothing else matters

We bleed the same blood
We cry the same tears
We have the same fears
We pass the same years
We see the same stars
Under the same skies
We pass the same time
We all live and die
Cause friends and family wash thicker than blood
And if ya' never felt love than I feel for you cuz'
Cuz' lives pass above us in 747's
Deceased dwell below us
Before they go to heaven
Everything in between will hassle me
Some stay connected while other keep dreaming
Looking for that meaning but the lost can't be found
Drop to your caps and pray
Now can ya' hear the sound?
Do ya' feel it?
Now do ya' feel it comin'?
Two triple zero the hunters are the hunted
Electrical currents conflict with the spirits
Ah do ya' hear it ah or do ya' feel it?
Deep like seven leagues life intrigues intelligence
Got no time for clutter, you're late if there's hesitance
Put your foot forward and there will be a helping hand
Take a step back and your stuck in the quick sand
Ingesting toxins keeps us locked in, a mental jail trap
99' where's your family at

[Bridge]
Oh, and I might fail
Oh, I might succeed
Whatever the outcome is
Just keep your faith in me
Just believe in me
And I will be there [repeat hook]

Last night, while driving to Waterford...

Matt: I'll wait until we're at the bowling alley...I am not good at multi-tasking.
Me:   ...If you not good at multi-tasking, how do you jerk off to porn?


Hence...

DJWhiteGuy69: I want your imput
DJWhiteGuy69: Last night, he was going to call his parents to see if i could crash at his place
DJWhiteGuy69: and while we were driving, he said,
DJWhiteGuy69: "I'll wait until we're at the bowling alley...I am not good at multi-tasking"
DJWhiteGuy69: And I said,
DJWhiteGuy69: "...If your not good at multi-tasking, how can you jerk off to porn?"
DJWhiteGuy69: (immense laughter)
DJWhiteGuy69: a few minutes later:
DJWhiteGuy69: ...You dont need to multi-task to jerk off to porn
DJWhiteGuy69: and so the debate began
DJWhiteGuy69: i say it is multi-tasking, because you have to watch and analyze porn
DJWhiteGuy69: and you have to think about doing the hand motions...
DJWhiteGuy69: he says it isnt
DJWhiteGuy69: because you dont need to think about the hand motions, only focus on the porn
DJWhiteGuy69: ...your imput?

Comedy Central Presents-Carlos Mencia:

"Live life man…life isn’t what you think it is supposed to be…You are not supposed to go gently into that good night. We know this, yet we allow ourselves not to laugh, to be retentive, to hold everything in even though we have the freedoms that other people don’t have. Our women don’t get shot in the head when they don’t believe anything…You see, you gotta laugh while you can.

You’ve gotta understand what makes life beautiful is the essence of the fact that it can go away. You see, you don’t want to live like that. You don’t want to be the person, do you, that had a fight, and inconsequential insignificant stupid fight with your spouse over who was supposed to open, or close, or turn off the light at that bedtime. So you did it, but you were pissed, and you stayed pissed with your wife. Not because it was real, but hell, we’ll make up later and, nothing better than make-up sex is there. And in the morning you woke up, and things were still bad, but you kept that, cause hey, im gonna come back and we’re gonna do it. And then what happened? You went to your building, and you were saddened on that 90th floor, and that happened, and your ass is never gonna go back home again. And the best you could do is call your woman or man and say ‘I love you’ and you missed that last night. Why? Because you thought that it would last forever.

You see, every comedy show you’ve ever been to ends in a big joke. Because that’s what you need: I end with a big joke, you laugh, I say good night, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. But that aint life my friends. If you learn anything from me, learn one thing: that sometimes…sometimes…(walks off stage)."

"When you are born, you cry, and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice, and the world cries"

At 1:10am this morning, Joan Pearl Bell, my grandmother, passed away. Me, my mother, step-mother, aunt, and three cousins were present to witness her last breath. My grandma left this world without feeling any pain. To many, she will be deeply missed. Her absence from our lives will never be completely filled.

Now, I must do the first mature thing since becoming an adult. Over the next few days, I will take an active role in the planning of the burial of my grandmother, write a eulogy for her procession, and serve as a paul-bearer and carry her to her final resting place right next to my grandfather, Raymond Bell. Together they will rest, both in this world and the afterlife.

This is part of growing up: when you bury the loved ones you know, and take up their roles in their absence. You display what you have learned from them; the apprenctice becomes the master, and begins educating those who will come after.

See you all when this is over. I cannot thank everyone enough for helping me through this rough point in life. I love you all...

I found this in a profile, and I thought It was hilarious!

A white man yells to a black man. "Hey colored boy! You're blockin my view."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black"
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...

"There is a good reason they call these ceremonies "commencement exercises." Graduation is not the end; it's the beginning" -e.e.cummings

Two Hours To Go...

I layed awake in my bed all night, thinking of today. Four years of Groves, countless homework assignments, hundreds of friends created, some friends lost to time and pointless fights, and the activities I did there. So many experiences, so little ways to convey them.

Within four hours, I am no longer a Senior. I will be an Alumni, the true god of an establishment. With it comes the recognition of success and completion. Honor takes on a new meaning. So many emotions, so little time to express them all...

This is the song that has been playing in my mind for the last 24 hours, as i have thought of all the teachers ive met, tests ive taken, assignments ive completed, organizations ive joined, friends i have made and lost; all the experiences I have had and those still coming...


BLACKTHORN - "The Parting Glass"

“Of all the money that e'er I had, I spent it in good company,
And all the harm that e'er I've done, alas it was to none but me.
And all I've done for want of wit to memory now I can't recall,
So fill to me the parting glass. Good night and joy be with you all.

Fill to me the parting glass, and drink a health whate're befalls
Gently rise and softly call, Goodnight and joy be to you all.

Of all the friends that e'er I had, they're sorry for my going away,
And all the sweethearts that e'er I had, they'd bid me one more day to stay.
But since it falls unto my lot, that I should rise and you should not,
I gently rise and softly call, Goodnight and joy be to you all.

Fill to me the parting glass, and drink a health whate're befalls
Gently rise and softly call, Goodnight and joy be to you all."


Life is suspended right now...when where, how, and with whom it picks up is still shrouded by a veil of uncertainty. Thank you all for bringing me to where I am today.