Making it Known
I'm withdrawing myself from [L V F] right now. So you know waht ever. I am with Nick, and if I am not with Nick, I will be with Alex. So you can all get off your high fucking horses.
Displaying Depression
I call [L V F] and what does he say, "I'm sorry can I call you back?" No, of course not. And he says "You never call me and your always on the phone. You know what ever... I give up.
The Boy
"And here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, but, my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles. Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it." -Breathe (2 A.M.) Anna Nalick
It reminds me of Nick.
Confused
I have no clue how to say to Alex that I have a serious boyfriend now. I really don't. I am so happy with Nick, but you know that sick loyalty for someone doesn't just go away so quickly. And so I am constantly wondering how to tell Alex when I next talk to him.
Hope for the Future
Nick went back to her, but she hurt him physically the first day they were back together. Nick and Megan got into it. And she scratched him on the neck and made him bleed. So Nick and I are back together. We had a great day yesterday. We were together from 11:50 am till 10:45 pm...Like 11 hours basically. We went to the mall and Scent of Sage. And we hung out and read at Books-A-Millio
"If love is a labor I will slave till the end" -Swing Life Away By Rise Against.
I love him and we don't really have any plans for the future, yet. Except for the possibility of going to prom together next month. That is if he has enough money. ^^ So I may be buying a prom dress soon! ^^ Anyway..That is what's going on. Love you All!
Say Hello to Change and Your Friends: Deppression and Insomnia
I feel empty inside. I have never felt the way I feel with Nick with anyone else. I love him, wouldn't leave him for Alex. If you read down further, you will undestand why this is truelly incredible. But he doesn't love me, he loves Megan, his ex-fiance. He says he knows she is the wrong choice, but he knows that if he doesn't leave me now for her, he will leave me later, and risk hurting me more.
Everytime she hurts him, I pick up the pieces. And it hurts to constantly know that if he goes back, he will be getting hurt again. And it hurts to know that he chooses her over me. And not because he knows she's better. Because he loves her. I understand it, but god when I see the tears in his eyes, and I know he's about to break down, I break down also and tears flow uncontrolabley
And if he goes back, I can't hardly do anything to help. And I'm afraid if he goes back to her, that we will fall further into this mess. And it's just kinda scarey cause I'm so depressed. I don't want to loose him. But I would understand if she was good for him, but she's not. I told him to do what was best for him and that I would support it, but I can't support him going back to get hurt. And I know his eyes will long for me from where ever he stands if I am around. And I'll have longing eyes, but I won't be able to do anything because he won't be mine. And I might never feel this way again...and I love him.
Friday Night Let Down
I have new girlfriend, Nikki. I don't think it will work out. I miss Alex, well the old Alex. But I settle with watching Nikki make out with everyone else.
" It seems like so long ago that he said he couldn't be with me. And if it seems so long ago, then shouldn't I be over it? They say that time heals all wounds, but I'm starting to think it only creates more."
And they say that you only have half the time of the relationship to get over the person who broke your heart.
Problems
Due to some recent problems in my life I am going to be going to the hospital for a while. I will be back within a week. Sorry for this, but I need to keep myself safe.
Sarcastic
Well I will be back in 4 days, hopefully. Gee, that's a LONG time between now and when I will officially be back, huh!? Anyway. I came on just for a little check in. I may be back on the 7th, or may not depending on if my mom remembers she's supposed to ground me. She tends to forget!
So if you miss me, WRITE ME! Or if you want, try to reach me on the astral plain, can't garantee you'll get to me because I've only reached it once. ^^ But if you don't do either of those two lovely ideas, try to intrude in on one of my dreams. My sleeping pattern has changed anyway, so good luck trying to catch me sleeping! Cause I now sleep usually between 1-10am.
Leaving Time
Well as you all know, today is the day I am leaving. So I am going to be with my Mama, and I am hoping my laundry gets done in time. I may be on a little, I am not sure, and if I am, I will probably be on for how ever long my Mama's work shift is. (probably between 3 and half hours to 4)
A Break
I will be gone from the 29th of July till the 7th of Augest. I doubt I will get on much in that time.
Phone Problems
My phone service is currently not working, for what reason I don't know. I should have this fixed by tommorow, but until then, I have no internet service at my house. So if I am on for a short time it is most likely because I am at the library in my town. So when every my phone service is working again, I will have my internet back up.
Love you All Lots!
[shardae le fae]
Sacrificial Religion
Sacrificial Religion
I’d look to the light,
But it’s tearing me apart,
Luminous rays cut my skin,
But only the eyes of the forgotten
Can see these wounds that bleed so perfectly,
They gather around and say they relate,
But the light turned them away
And chose me as it’s sacrifice,
So as I wish that by turning way,
that it’ll only go away,
I become lost in the bleeding,
And I know the shame
Of being sacrificed for a belief
That was never my own.
AJ and My Poetic Ability
Well here are two poems about Aj.
1. Untitled
Her emotions
for him, did not
meet the line of the pages,
she knew it was not love, not
this time, he was different, so was
she, nothing was the same, but the past,
so now she wishes she could turn back time
even for just an hour, to be held again by him in
the comfort of his arms, now she knows she would
feel alien within the arms of the one she once loved.
2. Untiltled
She drowned her feelings
for him
in the Nile on the other side
of the world.
She turned her back
and walked her way
back home.
She nearly forgot
all her memories of him.
She forgot one
realization to this world,
reincarnation.
so her feeling for him
crept back up
into her heart and soul,
but she knew
he would never feel
the same way about her
again.
for his emotions
died and
would stay that way.
Tell me what you think!
My Horrible, Fucking Birthday
My birthday has hardly started. I've been fifteen for seven hours and four minutes. It's only a day though, I guess. My whole birthday party and birthday was ruined. I had only two people come to it. One stay the night.
Then my lovely step-father leaves with the only phone we have for long distance. And comes home after possibly cheating on my mom and gets into this huge argument with her. And then apologizes for making me hear my mom's "problems with him" being yelled out between the two.
God.
Insomnia, My Mind, and Something Else.
This entry will be on a lighter subject.
First of all, a check up on my life. Yesterday, Alex and I settled our problems. One of my problems he said I had was taking things too seriously and needing to lighten up!
Well great news for him! Insomnia is making me take things with no seriousness at all!
Second off! *DANCES*
Third of all! HOW THE HELL ARE YOU!? I'm great!
Hmm I also have came to the relasation that this entry is worthless! Oh well....
*Dances until I fall over*
I'll be fine down here!
*LMFAO!*
Day One
Help! Back hurts! I hurt!
Innocent
Micheal Jackson is innocent. Completely. Don't argue it.
Put Name of Entry Here
I hate myself. I am so fucking stupid. I bitch and complain all the damn time. I don't understand love in friendship, only love in lovers. I just fucking hate myself. I can't even keep myself from thinking of cutting. I can't do it! Not for 20 good minutes. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!! ALEX DOESN'T GIVE ME ENOUGH ATTENTION AND AFFECTION! AND JAKE WOULD LOVE TO GIVE IT TO ME, BUT HE HAS DEIDRE! MY GOD!!! AND I HAVE ALEX!!! GOD, WHY!!!
I mean my god I frigging record down all my urges to cut.
Here's just within the last 24 hours:
Monday, June 13, 2005, 9:54 pm, no action.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005, 2:17 am, no action.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005, 2:25 am, no action.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005, 2:38 am, no action.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005, 2:58 am, no action.
GOD I'M SUCH A LOSER FREAK!