Split Personalities

Well about the whole Nick thing. I realized I can't be with Alex if I still want to work things out with Nick. And I do. So I can't be with Alex. But Nick's idea of work things out with me is dating someone else for a little while. But all that is going to do is destroy my sanity, what little I have left.

What made it worse was his choice of people to go out with. Ann, a "friend" of mine, ended up being his choice. It sent me off the walls. And now I'm wondering if I do have any sanity left. And I asked him if he'd be willing to do anything for me. He said yes. I asked him if he would dump Ann to make things work. He said in time. I asked if we could work together, out of all opposite sex relationships, and not in one with each other, he didn't answer.

I want him back, I love him, I want a life with him. I honestly don't understand it. And I feel so very betrayed. Honestly, I want to break down within his arms, but they're not for me to break down in anymore. They're for Ann to break down in now.

What ever, I give.

Bye-Bye Nick. Hello Alex

Two months, twelve days, and it's now over. Nick and I are over. He ended it today because I still love Alex. I told him, I wouldn't lie to him about anything, including that.

So now, Alex and I are back together. I still love Nick more than Alex, but I'll live.

Tommorow at school will be hard and akward.

My Life?

I don't know what to type about. There isn't much going on in my life right now. 

Well there is way too much snow outside, so we didn't have school Friday. So Nick and I played out in the snow, napped, and watched a movie. wow, that was all yesterday. I tend to forget things way too easily. I really do. It's rather funny sometimes.

Hmm, I haven't talked to Alex in a few days. And I have no clue what's going on with him besides he has his new girlfriends. Well old girlfriends. Anywho!

I don't like talking about him as much anymore. We are friends, but we've both moved on.

I've learned to trust Nick, finally. Today he is hanging out with friends and all that lovely junk. I really do trust him. I just hope he doesn't spend all day with his ex Sarah. I guess I'm a bit jelous of her because she did carry his daughter, who was tradgically lost to a miscarriage. And I wish I could have had that stronge of a bound they must have with him. Oh well....anyway...I'll deal with it. I bet she would have been really pretty though.

Well Nick and I have been going out for 2 months and 9 days. ^_^

Well besides that there is nothing going on in my life. So well...

Happy Holidays,
[shardae le fae]

Laptops, Elfpack, my Life, and School

Well first of all I am on the laptop at school, explains the title a bit, and I will be talking about my all important life. ^_^

So here's what is going on. MEGAN IS IN CALIFORNIA. Okay then, moving on, Nick and I seem to be doing just fine now, a little rough around the edges, but whatever, if you care to argue: KISS MY ASS! Okay so we've been going out for 2 months, 4 days. So I am happy.

Anyway..I'm boring the death out of my friend Amanda, whom is sitting right next to me, begging the all mighty Jesus, ME, to change the site to something she wants to see....so then moving on because I am selfish today.

ON TO THE SUBJECT OF ALEX:

Okay so here's what's going on with him. His girlfriends' names are Krissy and D. Well okay then, I asked him if he cared about me more than them and he told me I come first in his heart. Wow I wonder if he wishes that he would come first in mine, probably does. But to be honest, between Alex and Nick, I think Nick comes first. So yeah, Alex, sorry for your luck. I guess if he hadn't of dumped me then he would still be the number one person in my life.

Anyway...moving on. I am going to meet Nick's family Christmas Eve and possibly Christmas Day.. So who knows how that is going to go. I guess I have to act very, very preppy and nice and innocent. (Although is there a girl who is innocent, sweet, nice, and preppy who has a boyfriend with a lip ring and tongue piercing? No.) And yes, now he has his tongue pierced. It's funny, he talks wierd since he got it done on the 3rd.

You should all go to http://illwillpress.com and http://missmab.com

Well I just found out that the school commputer will let me on Elftown, like it's not supposed to. SO THE ALMIGHTY GODDESS CALLED JESUS IS OFF TO ELFTOWN. Bye I love you.

BLAH!

Okay so here's what is going on now in my little wierd ass life that no one really cares about anytway! Nick is suspended because he got into a fight with Megan. He is grounded cause he got suspended. So yeah that is annoying.

MEGAN IS MOVING TO CALIFORNIA!! W00T!

[L V F] is being an asshole. He keeps threatening to kill himself. Which is so stupid. So if you know him, slap him for me! Oh yes and by the way Dawn, he says he isn't good enough for you, that he annoys you too much.

Hmm my grades are like in the fucking toillet right now. I have a D+, D-, and a F. So there is a good possibility that in 6 weeks I will be gone for 3 weeks until I get another midterm.

Okay then moving on.

NICK AND I HAVE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A MONTH AND 6 DAYS!!

Alex seems to be settled in with his new girlfriends. I forget their names, but whatever. I was suprised he didn't yell at me for going out with Nick. But I guess that shows how scared I was about his disapointment at the time.

OH WELL MOVING ON, AWAY FROM ALEX!!

I can't think of anything else to say.


I LOVE NICK....goodnight.

Coming Out

I'm done acting like something I don't want to be. So here I am going to state very clearly exactly what I believe and what I am.

1) I am bisexual
2) I am Pagan
3) I am a Neo-Nazi, take it or leave it
4) I HATE EMO FUCKS!! All of you are pathedic, learn diversity and individuality.
5) I HATE BUSH!

Thank you very much....you may now move on with your day.

What Seems like Forever

It's been nearly three weeks of chaos with Megan. She still won't back down..she still thinks Nick will go back out with her. He clearly said, "I'm so tired of this. I'm about to go up to her during Culinary and slit her throat."
So you can tell, it's getting old.

Anyway, tommorow (Saturday) it will be 2 weeks with Nick. It feels like it's been forever....goddess I'm just so happy it's going good so far.

Making it Known

I'm withdrawing myself from [L V F] right now. So you know waht ever. I am with Nick, and if I am not with Nick, I will be with Alex. So you can all get off your high fucking horses.

Displaying Depression

I call [L V F] and what does he say, "I'm sorry can I call you back?" No, of course not. And he says "You never call me and your always on the phone. You know what ever... I give up.

The Boy

"And here in town you can tell he's been down for a while, but, my god, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles. Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it." -Breathe (2 A.M.) Anna Nalick

It reminds me of Nick.

Confused

I have no clue how to say to Alex that I have a serious boyfriend now. I really don't. I am so happy with Nick, but you know that sick loyalty for someone doesn't just go away so quickly. And so I am constantly wondering how to tell Alex when I next talk to him.

Hope for the Future

Nick went back to her, but she hurt him physically the first day they were back together. Nick and Megan got into it. And she scratched him on the neck and made him bleed. So Nick and I are back together. We had a great day yesterday. We were together from 11:50 am till 10:45 pm...Like 11 hours basically. We went to the mall and Scent of Sage. And we hung out and read at Books-A-Million. I am so happy with him. And tommorow I am meeting his mother!

"If love is a labor I will slave till the end" -Swing Life Away By Rise Against.

I love him and we don't really have any plans for the future, yet. Except for the possibility of going to prom together next month. That is if he has enough money. ^^ So I may be buying a prom dress soon! ^^ Anyway..That is what's going on. Love you All!

Say Hello to Change and Your Friends: Deppression and Insomnia

I feel empty inside. I have never felt the way I feel with Nick with anyone else. I love him, wouldn't leave him for Alex. If you read down further, you will undestand why this is truelly incredible. But he doesn't love me, he loves Megan, his ex-fiance. He says he knows she is the wrong choice, but he knows that if he doesn't leave me now for her, he will leave me later, and risk hurting me more.

Everytime she hurts him, I pick up the pieces. And it hurts to constantly know that if he goes back, he will be getting hurt again. And it hurts to know that he chooses her over me. And not because he knows she's better. Because he loves her. I understand it, but god when I see the tears in his eyes, and I know he's about to break down, I break down also and tears flow uncontrolabley. And I've cried for hours for him. I can't even cry anymore. I've drained myself and I'm sure I'm dehydrated now.

And if he goes back, I can't hardly do anything to help. And I'm afraid if he goes back to her, that we will fall further into this mess. And it's just kinda scarey cause I'm so depressed. I don't want to loose him. But I would understand if she was good for him, but she's not. I told him to do what was best for him and that I would support it, but I can't support him going back to get hurt. And I know his eyes will long for me from where ever he stands if I am around. And I'll have longing eyes, but I won't be able to do anything because he won't be mine. And I might never feel this way again...and I love him.

Friday Night Let Down

I have new girlfriend, Nikki. I don't think it will work out. I miss Alex, well the old Alex. But I settle with watching Nikki make out with everyone else.

" It seems like so long ago that he said he couldn't be with me. And if it seems so long ago, then shouldn't I be over it? They say that time heals all wounds, but I'm starting to think it only creates more."

And they say that you only have half the time of the relationship to get over the person who broke your heart.

Problems
Due to some recent problems in my life I am going to be going to the hospital for a while. I will be back within a week. Sorry for this, but I need to keep myself safe.

Sarcastic
Well I will be back in 4 days, hopefully. Gee, that's a LONG time between now and when I will officially be back, huh!? Anyway. I came on just for a little check in. I may be back on the 7th, or may not depending on if my mom remembers she's supposed to ground me. She tends to forget!

So if you miss me, WRITE ME! Or if you want, try to reach me on the astral plain, can't garantee you'll get to me because I've only reached it once. ^^ But if you don't do either of those two lovely ideas, try to intrude in on one of my dreams. My sleeping pattern has changed anyway, so good luck trying to catch me sleeping! Cause I now sleep usually between 1-10am.

Leaving Time
Well as you all know, today is the day I am leaving. So I am going to be with my Mama, and I am hoping my laundry gets done in time. I may be on a little, I am not sure, and if I am, I will probably be on for how ever long my Mama's work shift is. (probably between 3 and half hours to 4)

A Break
I will be gone from the 29th of July till the 7th of Augest. I doubt I will get on much in that time.

Phone Problems
My phone service is currently not working, for what reason I don't know. I should have this fixed by tommorow, but until then, I have no internet service at my house. So if I am on for a short time it is most likely because I am at the library in my town. So when every my phone service is working again, I will have my internet back up.

Love you All Lots!
[shardae le fae]