Saw Arron on firday.
No, that's a lie, I spent the whole day with him lol.
I get a text at 11 am askin me to come round, so I get out of bed and go to his. Ended up coming home at 10pm. We had a great time (except when he had a fight with his lil brothere - who was in all honesty being the biggest spoilt brat ever), watched shrek 3 together, sat about with his parents and Steph, then me Steph and Arron watche Hot Fuzz for a laugh; all of us falling asleep.

I wish everyday was as good as that one!

Apparently, since I'm the sort who just randomly tidies up and washes the pots, I'm quite welcome to move in at any time hehe.
I don't actualy know why I do it either. I just like washing pots.

When he just stood behind me and gave me a gentle shoulder massage I think it clicked just how much he really likes me back.
I've missed him so much. I started gettin all depressed and thought he just didn't wanna see me. He's been dealing with some major shit though. I wanna be there to help him through it, but he's not the sort to accept or want my help.

Highlights of the day:
Sharing icecream out of the tub with Steph
Listening to the rain with Arron
Trying Poteen and baylies together (had a nice clovey aftertaste)
Arrons arms around me
Steph tellin me I was officialy her best friend
Rusty (their dog) half accepting me at one point
Laughing at Spongebob
Arron cooking for me (not sure if that was a good idea though lol!)


Now, however, I'm trying hard to revise; and failing miserably.
Its for C4 - no, not the explosive, the Maths course - and I swear, I suck at this part of the course because I was away so much when we were studying it.
I'm about ontop of the concepts now, it's just trying to remember when and how to use them.
Things like remembering when to use Cos2x instead of 1-2cos^2x and how to integrate them etcetera.

It's gonna be a hard week or two.
Arron's gone to his grandma's for a while to hand in a job application. He really wants a job, some form of income, which I can really respect. The thing is, he's only really found one opening, and its over in Witham.
He's gonna be there for atleast a week now, and I know it'll be hard not seeing him, but I'll survive somehow lol. I hope he gets the job, but I really dont want him to either
Long distance relationships don't work.

He promised to put himself through his driving test and get a car if he gets the job, but I'm not going to kid myself - if he does get the job, I wont see much of him at all.
Unless I can find a way to go to him or something.
I wonder if theres a train or bus to Witham from here.
I hope so.

It just feels like he's going away from ME in particular. I know he isn't, and I believe him when he says he doesn't want to be so far away. I barely cope when he's away for a week, how am I supposed to deal with him LIVING there?

Oh well, we'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

I'll just have to occupy my time better

Well, enough rambling on, I have revision to do.

Love ya!
Lauren xx

Went camping over the weekend. Met some really cool people. SOO sore now though, and tired.

Miss Arron - how gay am I?
I'll probs see him tomorow.

lol - miss arron looks like a name up there

Not feeling too good. Had a big falling out with Sasha (it's a bit over due really).
She's at her mums again now instead of here, and thats probs v. good, since I'm still majorly pissed at her.

All I want atm is a glomp - but that'll have to wait.

Will's at it again *sigh*. When will he give up? blah.
Oh well.

Might go see Aza tomorow

yayness.

Best see if Brian liked his cards - didn't have time to give them to him, had to post them instead. I'm sure he wont mind. I'll explain if need be. blah. meh.

I think what I need is a reaaaly nice, warm massage. My shoulders are so cramped and icky. I can't actualy relax them at all. Oh well. I'll do it later probably.
I feel all battered and bruised, but the music was so great. They liked my strange little rifty thingy tooo. Tho I swear steve miss heard it the first few dozen times he made me play. Said I was nervous that's why it sounded wrong. I think I was just shivering. but hey.

Got to sing my "King Arthur" track too. The one that goes:
Land of bear and land of eagle
Land that gave us birth and blessing
Land that calls us ever homewards
We will go home across the mountain...

It's sung by one of the warrior person's partner at the begining part of the film - just after they come back from the first battle scene. I think. It's nice anyway.
Kinda do my own lil version of it.

They also liked my old one "Soulmate" - though I could only really remember the first verse.
Wind beneath my Wings sounded so beautiful when we did that one. I added the harmony and it was just lovely. They all had such great voices.
Apparently I have a nice one too. Nice of them to say.
I like the sound of my own voice, but then again, lotsa people do, don't they?

I'm rambling. It's because I'm sleepy.
I apologise for anything that makes no sense - spelling wise or just generaly - but I don't actualy remember what I've just written. Ok?
cool.

Well, ciao for now!

blessed be
Lauren xx

Having one of those days where I just wanna die.

Wanna leave home - it sucks. I can't stand my parents. Arron's coming round 2moro, so I get to escape with him. Hopefully.
I miss him.

I want to either break stuff or cry, but I'm not doing either. Maybe I'll go jump of a bridge. Or find Aza... but I don't wanna bug him sorta thing. It's his grandad's b'day...
Gah...

It's mum and dad's wedding aniversary on friday - Not got them anything - don't intend to either really. Sounds horible, but I dunno what they want. I'll probably just get them a card.

Thinking of running away tonight. Or going to sleep right now. Can't take a bath in this mood... dangerous thing to do. I nearly drowned myself the other day. Not good. Keep half strangling myself then realising what I'm doing and stop. Stupid ness. Dont wanna die really, just wanna kill everyone else :)

Want a hug. Need a Glomp. blah.

okay, signing off for now

blessed be
lauren

love hurts


being lonely sucks


I love you arron I miss you

1. When did your last kiss take place?
2... maybe 3 weeks ago

2. Who knows a secret or two about you?
I don't have that many secrets

3. Three words to explain why you last threw up?
Too bloody ill

4. Have you ever burned yourself?
Yeah, yesterday for instance, when I managed to melt my nail

5. Who knows you the best?
Um.. not a clue

8. Who is your hero?
I don't have one

9. Would you ever want to be a model?
I dunno, they get to wear some cool stuff at times

12. When is your next birthday?
9th Jan 2008

13. Who do you want to be with right now?
Arron - but the ghey's on holiday without me

15. How did you handle your last break up?
I think I dumped him, so it was ok.

17. Last thing to hurt you?
life

18. Last person to make you laugh?
Sasha

19. Last thing you ate?
salt and vinegar crisps I think

21. Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect?
yup

22. Do daddy long legs freak you out?
I just don't like things with that many legs

23. Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
yup.

24. Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it?
yup.

25. Do you kiss your pets?
Sometimes

28. Do you ever talk to the TV?
More the radio atm, but yeah.

29. Would you ever work in a retirement home?
yeah

30. Do you believe plants have feelings?
Well, it is part of my religion... so kinda

31. Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts?
only the people I know with them

32. Do you have nervous twitches?
I jiggle my leg

33. Are you ever purposely irritating?
ofcourse

36. Love or lust?
Love

37. What did you do today?
got up... come on the computer *it's only 9:30*

38. Favorite food?
chicken!!

39. Do you believe that your first love never dies?
I dont know - I think it does actualy.

40. What event are you looking forward to coming up next?
Arron coming back

41. Current shampoo?
Asda's own

43. Most favorite people?
Sasha, TJ, Arron, Steph, Kayleigh, Beth, Kiran, Lucy, Niki

44. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonald's?
Sprite

45. Are you an emotional person?
Yes

47. What color shirt are you wearing?
black (though it's not really a shirt)

48. Do you have plans for tomorrow?
urm... saturday.. *thinks* not yet.

49. Do you work?
Nope, sixth form

50. Do you dance naked in your room at night?
yup

51. Why did your last relationship end?
he was a weirdo, lived miles and miles away, and I wanted to get with Arron instead.

52. What are you listening to right now?
Three days grace

53. Biggest fear?
I honestly don't know. probably heights?

55. How long have you been a part of myspace?
few months maybe?

56. Favorite place to be?
outside in a thunder storm

57. Do you have a crush?
kinda - though I'm going out with him, so is that still classed as a crush?

58. Do you hate anybody?
Yep

59. Does anyone hate you?
most likely!

60. How many people do you trust fully?
Fully? no one.
trust? 4

Did a minor spell last night. Got some of the wording a little wrong, but it wasn't that big a deal. Meant the same thing in the end.

It was just a banishing type - where you write down everything that's upseting you and burn the paper. Sasha joined in so I only did a very very basic circle, but it was cool of her to join in. You can loose your nerve a bit when a couple of people walk past and your invoking the godess. I don't normaly get embarassed or anything, and I'm certainly not embarassed of my religion, it's just people look at you as if you've grown another head, which makes you feel a bit awkward, and the sincerity goes out of your voice, and you feel exposed.

I would have liked my first outdoor circle to have been more secluded, but in all reality, it was a really good spot next to the canal down the path that hardly anyone uses. Being next to the canal I was able to use the water there rather than carry any with me (or substitute with salt) so that was quite cool. Wasn't sure about extending the circle into the canal, didn't seem right some how.

I'd love to find a regular circle in town, I know there's a few other wiccan's round and about. It'd be really nice to go to a circle with experienced witches, rather than just basicaly guessing and probably getting bits wrong.

Hopefully when I get my room sorted I'll have a small alter and enough space for a circle anyway. Could do with a beosom really to clear the circle and stuff... and an athame... and my wand's pretty... basic. But hey!

Enough witchyness.

I'm feeling better, though last night Sasha got drunk (well, not REALLY drunk... just tipsy really) and couldn't walk straight, and lost her inhibitions completely, and nearly killed Steve and Fiona...
long story.

Miss Arron still, but I don't really wanna call him - I wanna see him. I talk to Will too much that's the problem. Phone calls are slightly tainted now.
Gonna get a banana and wheetabix in a mo.

Still pissed off at Mum (and dad), but hey.
feel like running away some times


Speak to you later

Blessed be
Lauren xx

If you loved me, you'd have killed me by now. You should know that any life this painfull is worth running from, even if it has you in it.
I'm empty, and while it's not your fault, you don't exactly help I'm afraid.

When was the last time you actualy knew how I felt?

Do you even know who I am? Hell no! Nobody has ever dug deep enough to find that out. Why would they want to?
I'm the one who's just happy no matter what, right?

Well, in my suicide note, it'll say "I was just so fucking happy, I had to do it!"
If I can get the balls to stand even more pain that is. I think it's the fear of having to live through a failed attempt that scares me. Death I can handle, it's all this fucking pain that I can't stand.

Yeah, there's no to worry about me dieing any time soon, I'm too chicken to actualy go through with it. I guess the optimist in me is still hoping everything will get better *yeah right*.

I just get the feeling no one gives a shit. It's like I could be dead, and mums first reaction would be "What a fucking mess"
Then she'd be pissed at me, because (obviously) I'd only kill myself to get out of cleaning my room. HA.
If she read through my notes and stuff before chucking it away, she might find a thing or two out about me. She might realise just how seriously messed up I am.
But enough with the ranting.

I think a large part of my death wish comes from a want to get back at my family without having to deal with the consequences. I'm so tempted to get on a train and just go. Anywhere. Just away, see if it helps.

I'm so going out soon though, clear my head.

I'm sick of doing all I can for everyone I can and no one even noticing me.
I don't want a thank you or anything, just someone to recognise how I feel.
Apparently that's too much to ask for though.

Well, I'm off.

Blessed be
Schitzatopaly yours
Lauren xx

hell yes

Sick of this!

♫ I must be dreaming ♫

Loving the frou frou ness


♪♫ I must be dreaming oh,
pinch me to wake me ♫♪



Euphoria... what a cool world.

Dunno what to do with myself.
All nervous about tests... miss arron... bored soooo bad.

Thinking of going and messin down the stream.
It's more fun with friends, and Sasha's too... far gone to do that sorta climbing lol.

I've probably not got the energy if I'm honest.


Oh well, lets stop complaining now

Loving the frou frou!!

Yes, I'm listening to Let Go by Frou Frou... she did the awesome version of hero (in shrek... the one that's played at the titles..?)

Oh ffs, just search 'Frou Frou' on youtube.

lol



I kinda feel shitty, so I'm glad I didn't go out on the town. I'd be a nightmare.
Sasha's coming back here in a few hours... which surpirses me. She must actualy like it here.
Wish I did.
I just want to spend time with steph and arron. They're so much fun...
BLAH.

I don't understand my brain at this time in the morning.
I was going to get a nice early sleep tonight... but oh well.
At least I'm in my comfy PJ's.
For some reason I'm typing as if I'm playing the piano.
It's all flowy... pretty like.

Maybe that has something to do with being sleepy. Everything either goes shitty, or really pretty.
It's because I don't think about what I'm doing, so everything just does whatever it wants to.
I just let go of it all. And this lovely light surrounds me as I drift off into the beauty. My headphones on with some fabulous music playing away, and I'm just drifting away on a cloud of ignorance.

Or is it ignorance?? because I don't feel ignorant. I just feel contented with myself for no reason.
It's as if that moment before dreaming has aleiviated all my worries. None of it matters anymore. All there is is bright happyness, that shimmers from some devine source, perhaps inside me, that I normaly don't touch.

I wish I could share this feeling, or keep it for those waking hours when I just need to feel sublime.
Maybe it's the music.
Frou Frou has this amazing way with music. It's like my dreams. There, substantial, clasic in it's own way, and yet... warped to this wonderful pattern that not everyone can see.

And there is a pattern. It slides around as if it's random, but it's so deliberate. I may have to get all her music and listen to it more often. I'm litteraly floating. It's almost as good as being with arron this feeling.
He makes me float a bit like this, only it's not as dreamy, it's far more intense.

Some people have asked me, "Do I love him?" and I reply ofcourse. But I have to wonder, is it love? And if it isn't... does it really matter??
What we have it's special to me, so it can't matter.

Can I see myself with him for a long time? I guess, but I wouldn't say I'm fantasising about it or anything. Would it crush me to loose him? I don't know. I wouldn't want to find out. lol.

I'm just starting to realise how uncomfortable this position for typing is. My arms going "SUPPORT ME!!" hehe.

I wonder... sleep?


I've got an email from Mr Cooke with details of the 'physics' barbeque... and I'm wondering if I should go or not. Technically I'm not doing physics anymore, but then, it's mr cooke's last year as teacher; and he was one of my favourites.
I can't believe he's leaving.
He doesn't seem old enough!
I guess, half of me really wants to go, but part of me knows I kinda don't like barbecue's anyway... so would there be any point?
You see, the problem is, I either don't like the food, and manage to offend who ever is cooking by not eating; or I really like the food and end up looking like a pig.

Think I'll ask Jenny and Alice if they're going, and maybe pree too... if they are, I'll consider it.
I guess I just don't want to go and everyone be like "But you don't do physics anymore, so why are YOU here??"
I hate feeling like an intruder.
I feel that way often enough you know?
I'll ask Jenny, she always gives me a straight answer.

Trying to think of a nice leaving gift to get for Mr Cooke... maybe something for his narrow boat?
A memory card?

Female teachers are easy to buy for, you get them jewlery... simple! hehe.

I'd like to do some research, and find something narrow boaty that's also physicsy... if that makes sense?
Like for Mrs White (my other fave physics teacher who left) I bought a necklace that looked a bit like the infinity loop... just a leeetle bit of physics thrown in you know?
Even if it's only something little and strange.

Maybe I could make him something from wood??
That would be so cool!
combine all three...

maybe a holder for his palmpad thingy...

I dunno.
I'm all hyperactive ideas, but I wont do anything. I'm like that. I have loads of ideas that just never materialise into anything.

I've just realised, I type nearly as fast as I talk to myself.
I kinda think it, then verbalise it in my head, then say it to myself in my head... and my fingers keep up with the last bit hehe.

I've realised that I can think without words. I just find it hard.
I automatically try to explain my thoughts to myself, to asign them words.
Strange :P

You'd think I'd be really easily understood! but nooo... maybe that's why I do it.

I don't really have progressive thoughts if I dont speak-think actualy.
I guess it doesn't give me time to annalyse the thought before it's forgotten/ dismissed.
I must therefore think very slowly in comparison to most people.
Yet I still manage to lose words when conveying my thoughts.
I hate doing that! hehe. Getting half way through a sentance and being on the next idea, before having explained the first. People get so confused! bless them!

Anyway, yeah, this is getting uncomfortable, so I'm going to go.
Or at least, submit this entry and sit back to listen to music hehe.


Blessed Be
Sophia xxx

So, nothing new to report. Still obsessively in love, still bored as hell, still got Sasha over.

Dunno why I'm even bothering to post to be honest.
Guess I'm just bored.

MWAH!

blessed be
Sophia xx

I'm slinking into a depression.

Everything just sucks.

I want to cry all the fucking time.


Why can't everything just be ok?
Why can't you just hold me and make the nightmares back off for a little while??
I keep going hyper, trying to knock myself into some kind of happyness, but I just cant.

I don't know if I can cope with Sasha staying here. I really don't.
But she's my friend, and I know I'll help her through whatever I can.

I just need to be with Arron. And no matter what I do, we're always parted somehow.
It's not fair. But that's life.
The only way I'll make it fair is to change.
But can I change?

I just want it all to stop hurting.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess so.

♫"Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems..."♫

Wont someone save me? Please?

I just don't know what from.
From everything and everyone I guess.

I can ask for help all I want, but if I can't even know what help I want/need, how am I supposed to be helped??

Quote for the day:

Hooray Hooray, the first of May!
Outdoor screwing starts today!

is staying with me atm. Dunno how I feel about that...

Wish it was steph really.

We're as close as sisters at times....

I miss you so much.

It's not even been a week, yet even in my dreams I only glimpse you inside a car that's driving away from me. Is that significant do you think?

I'm aching to see you again, to just be with you. Even if I don't get to lie with you like I want to.
I'd do anything to just lie in your arms right now.
To rest my head against your chest and hear your sweet heart beat.
To feel your arm wrapped around me, protecting me from everything in the world.
You don't have to say "I love you", I can feel it in your touch. The way you hold my hand, or hug me. The way we kiss.
You're so perfect.


I've been holding back tears for days. I know that if I were just with you, everything would be better. You make life so much better just by being here.
But for now, I'll just keep holding in the tears, and bare the ills that I have. Maybe one day you'll take me away from all this. Maybe.
I wont hold my breath though.


Oh well, for now I'll love you from a distance.


All of my heart is yours

Lauren

God, right now I feel so


ever have those days?