*sigh*

I'm in one of those moods where everything seems highly pointless.
Like, wearing clothes that are 'fashionable', or even 'socialy acceptable'.
It's like - whats the freakin point? There's a whole WORLD out there people - clothes just DO NOT matter!

Ok, so I'm also pissed off, because my boyfriend is being quite a nobb.
Not that this is something new...

I feel like I look - crap.
I mean, any person in their right mind would take one look at me, scream, and run in the other direction.
I'm all.... stripey - it's scary. My top is stripey sideways, and my skirt is vertically striped... it's just a big old mess. I couldn't even be bothered with underwear today - how bad is that? I shoved on these awefull clothes because they're comfy. I didn't bruch my hair, because I can't be arsed. It's not as if there's anyone left round here to dress up for.
I'm planning on staying in all day anyway, so, you see, clothes really aren't high on the agenda.

Ofcourse, there ISNT an agenda... so nothing is high up on it... but that really isn't the point.
All there is at the minute is urges, lack of energy, and an unfathomable reason that I really am quite sick of now.
Like, for instance, I'm hungry - I have the urge to eat, but I can't be arsed to move - and my reason is telling me "It's just gone lunch time, you've eaten already today, wait another hour till you're truely hungry and have something proper."
It sounds like my freakin mother!

So that's it, isn't it, reason - as freud would say - is the voice of your parents, telling you what not to do. Making you supress things. He called it something else - I just can't remember what at this moment it time. After all, it's not as if I studied him properly - hinted on him? maybe, but studied? Pah! This was Ethics ... ok? not much "studying" going on in that class.
Not on my part atleast.

I'm so pissed off with this boy!! My god!
Let me impart the conversation between myself and my boyfriend for you:

Sophia  says :
hey
psychosis says :
hey sorry cant stop busy darlin trying to sort something
Sophia  says :
ok, am I ok to call you later?


fifteen minutes later....

nothing.

He's still online - the prick - he's just not talking to me.
Like he wasn't answering his phone for the past week.
grrr


Yeah - I pretty much look like that ^
        Joy.

I think I'm going to go now, and try and stop being a pissed off pile of crap. Or atleast stop wingeing. I hate people who moan all the time, and I'm fast turning into one.
Oh well, ciao for now people xx

blessed be

I feel like a zombie at the moment. It's like I'm stumbling through the routine of life without thinking.

I've been writing a story lately, but it's kinda... blah now. I'm not in the mood to write. I'm not in the mood to do anything.

I wish I had the energy to go on a bike ride or something.

I've decided I want to be able to run. Not just sprint, run. I want to be able to run and not be out of breath. I want to build my strength back up.


I'm not going to the folk club tomorrow I don't think.
I'm not really up to it.
Too stressfull right now.


It's day 4 of my medication, and I'm feeling shit. Mum says she was a zombie for the first week or two when she started on them.
It's funny, me, V, and Sean are all on the same medication. Makes you wonder why.


Yesterday was nice, but I'm really tired now.
I like seeing Kiran.
She's nice.


I've put some "fat balls" out for the birds.
They keep flying to the window and eating from it.
I love the sound their wings make.
Half thought one was going to fly in my room a minute ago.


Anyway, I'm going to go now. My brain doesnt want to work all that much.


Blessed be

I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.
I don't know what to think.

I feel drained. There's no other way to explain. I just tried calling Arron, no response. I miss him, and I want to know how he is, how his new job is going.
I'm wondering how easily he's forgotten me this time. I start to feel unwanted when he's away and out of contact too.
It's strange, part of me wants to cry, and yet, I'm the sort of exhausted that you get after crying hard and long.
My head's throbing a little too. I hate feeling this way.

It's as if the happy pills have just drawn out all my depression and made me feel the full weight of them again.
I can feel it in the way I react to people, the way I see the bad in everything rather than the good.

I'm going to try taking some pain killers in a second. I can't work out why I've been putting myself through all these painfull headaches without trying to get rid of them. I think part of me feels I deserve to be in this pain -- or someting... So I've not been taking any, even though I've been in loadsa pain.
It helped to take one yesterday, so I think I'll take one before bed tonight, see if it abates this headache for long enough for me to rest easy.

I'm tired at the moment, which makes everything seem worse. I talked to mum about how I've been feeling, and my issues with depression, and my denial, and it felt like I got something off my chest. Cried when I mentioned George... but I couldn't help that.

We went shopping, and I bumped into Jo Wing! Not seen her in ages. Gave her Julia's phone number to try and help her get back in touch with people again. She looked really tired.
When ever I see Jo, my heart aches. I just want to hold her, and help her find that bit of herself that's somehow missing. I get all motherly. I used to think my feelings towards Jo were a crush, but I realised today that it's just this need to help her. It's as if I can see her pain etched plainly on her face, and if I can just find what's causing it, I can make all that pain go away.
I know I can't though.
Shame really.

That's reminded me of something dad said today.
I was annoyed at Sasha, because she's not really trying to get herself sorted out, and after all I've done for her, all my family has done for her, it feels just so wrong.
I asked dad "Why am I so bad at choosing friends?"
He told me it's because my hearts too big.
He said "Its mine, and your mothers, fault. We both have big hearts, and yours is twice as big as ours."
It made me want to cry.
I'm not all that sure why to be honest.
It was just so... kind of him to say.

He made it sound like my faults were actualy my best aspect.

It would help, however, to have a smaller heart sometimes. Feeling for, and wanting to help, everyone; especialy everyone in pain; can be exhausting. It hurts when I can't help people.

It's as if peoples pain draws me to them.
As if part of my being searches for people I can soothe, or try to help.
Just be there for.


I always wanted to be a singer for one reason. To help people.
I can't really explain it. I wanted to be able to sing, and make people feel better.
I wanted my lyrics to touch people, and let them know everythings going to be ok. Let them know I'm there for them, who ever, where ever, they are.
I don't think I can do that though.
I don't think my music effects people like that.
Not yet.

Sometimes I have this dream where I kind of... gather up everyones pain inside me. Everybody is happy again, no one is really angry, nobody hurts too much. It's only for a little while, because new hurts always happen, always follow, but for that time everyone is ok.
It's like a little island of hope, where everyone is joined together...
Sometimes I die in the dream, the pain is too much. But it's a happy pain, because I know everyone else is ok.
Sometimes I like... swallow it down... and it hurts so much I cry... but everyone's ok, and that makes me ok somehow; and we're all just joined in mutual... mutual 'ok'ness.
People who cry themselves to sleep have that one night where they sleep with a smile on their face, and no nightmares come.
People dieing in pain just sigh, and float away.
People hell bent on revenge stop, and live for a day instead.
People with terminal illnesses, or constant physical pain, get up and do whatever they want; because for that time, they can.
Bumped knees are all healed, broken hearts mended...

That's what I want to do.
That's what I feel it's like... my destiny to do.
I don't care if I have to hurt to do it, I just want everyone else to be OK.

Maybe that's part of the depression?
I wouldn't know.

And I hate not knowing. Not knowing anything... bugs me some how.
It's as if I've forgotten something important.
I can't really explain it.
God did once; but then, if I'm suffering from a mental illness, I probably would have actualy believed it was god talking to me, not some part of my mind that was entirely reason.
I have times, you see, when I understand everything.
Like seeing the big picture.
And seriously, we're such little blips on the canvas of life. The amazing thing is, we so often start these cascades of colour.
Whether its an action, a relationship, a child, a single word. At some point in everyones life, they become the single most important person there is. Maybe not the most important ever (that's possibly still to come), but for the time; and it may be a second, a minute, a year... but every one has that moment. Everyone.
It might be a single word you say.
It might be something you start, set up, begin.
It might be the child you have, or abort, or misscarry.
It might be an amazing thing, the personification of goodness, or it might be the most dispicable thing you can imagine - pure evil.
Then again, it'll probably be neither. Not everythings good or bad, somethings are incredibly important because they're neither.

It's strange how I just know that, with every fiber of my being.
Maybe my moment is in this post. Maybe someone will read this and it'll make something different. Maybe it wont.
It doesn't matter really.

People say that all our life is, is a series of moments. But they're not quite right. Our life is moments, actions, friends, family, words we say, words we dont say, hopes, dreams, beliefs... Even the forgotten people, whose moments were nothing special, contributed in some way to the world we live in, the world we're becoming, the future we're moving towards.
Those we remember, we don't remember for moments. We remember for actions, for words, for dreams and beliefs. For what they did, not who they were. For what they said, and how, and what that meant to people; not for the series of moments they themselves were feeling, having, experiencing.
So you see, life can't JUST be a series of moments.
But the moments are important.
You have to live for the moment, not throw them away. You have to do something... even if you don't know what it is.
There's something you've already done, waiting in the future for you to do it.

Everything's already happened, we're just living it out.
That's the way I see it.
We have to live it out to see what happens next.

It doesn't matter that we don't get to see the very end. Maybe there isn't one. We should try to enjoy, or atleast EXPERIENCE everything we can of our moments, and see what we can of what we have.

Or atleast, that's the way I see it.



Other people see life through religious eyes, some see it through such different eyes to you, you can't really imagine a world coloured that way.

In everything we see, there are so many things; and everything we see can be seen so many ways.

Sometimes looking at something differently can help you understand another part of it.


I wonder why I'm trying to explain all this now, here.
I don't think I ever explain it all properly. I just let my thoughts flow into words and away...



My mind keeps pulling me towards Wicca again, though I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll find comfort there?



Anyway, if you've managed to stumble through all those thoughts, jumbled together, and understood;
And if you have took from what I said, and put it together with something, or if it's helped you at all,
I'm glad.
Thank you for your patience, your time, and your open mind.

To all:
Blessed be!
My love to you all

xx Lauren xx

So I went to the doctors today, and saw some other doctor than usual. He's given me some pills for depression.
I think the germans are right you know, we say "tablets for..." something, but we actualy me something for the prevention of something, or against it. If you say you want something for a headache, the best thing is a small hammer - or fist to the head!

Anyway, keeping in conventional English, I've got these 'happy pills' for my apparent depression. I honestly think I'm better anyway.
I don't feel half as bad mentaly/emotionaly as I was doing a few months back. Apparently the physical pain I'm getting could be linked to my depression though. Looks like I can't actualy overcome depression, I can just push it so far inside I only feel it as physical pain.
Weird.

The question WHY? keeps slapping me round the face though.
Why am I depressed?
Why don't I feel that bad?
Why can't I handle the fact that I'm actualy depressed?
Why did it take this long for someone to notice?
Why don't I understand?
Why do I have to feel this bad?
Why can't I work out whats making me depressed?
Why?

Ofcourse, no one knows why. It's a silly question anyway. There's no reason to ask why, they're finaly treating me, why question it?
It fits anyway.

Part of me is really annoyed that they tested me for depression months and months ago, but never did anything about it when it (obviously) came back positive.

I remember telling the doctor today that I wasn't depressed anymore. I said "I wouldn't tick the same boxes anymore. I remember what it felt like, and I' don't feel like that anymore." But I've been thinking; searching deep inside; asking 'what if I am? how would I know?' and the answer came that I do know, and I am, and a big part of it is my parents, and a big part of it is the stress I'm putting myself through for Sasha. Part is half loosing Arron - he's moved away to Witham for his new job. It hurts, but not badly now. I'm ok with it now.


Something Kiran said to me, keeps coming back and niggling at my mind, about bottling things up. I don't know if I do bottle things up... I know I probably supress myself a little more than is honestly healthy.

Like now, Sasha's just told me she's going for a loan thing - when I know for a fact she was supposed to go to the council and the job center today, but didn't because of a headache.... She's supposed to have sorted out the Gas and Water by now too, but has she? hell no. She's supposed to have applied for income tax or support, or something, but she hasn't.
I'm beginning to loose patience with her. She still keeps going back to her mums house. She hasn't got all the furniture sorted yet. I think she's expecting it all to sort itself out. She's in for a rude awakening!

I'm still apprehensive about these pills. Apparently they're likely to make me realy ill the first few weeks while they get into my system. Joy!
But, after that, there's a possibility I'll be better.

Better. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't know how to explain it, but part of me is too scared to hope I'll ever be better. I've not considered my future for so long now, scared of being like this forever. So I'm half expecting this not to work at all.
Then part of me thinks - you've gotten used to not having to do as much - will you really do everything again? I'm a lazy arse, so not doing stuff half suites me. I'm scared I'll start pretending I'm still ill to get out of stuff.
Then part of me is absolutely dieing to be better again. To be able to do all the stuff I'm used to doing again.

The other thing is, will I be on these drugs for the rest of my life, like V? or will I just need them for a bit, like Mum did?
I don't want to be the sort of person who depends on drugs to live their lives.
I'd rather get used to the pain than get used to popping pills. How stupid is that?

If it works and they say "Ok, take it for another 6months" I will. But after that, if they still want me on them I'll have to say no. I... I'm terrified of becoming like mum. Tablets in the morning, at specific times of the day, before bed, through the god damn night. I may have only been young when she was on the huge doses of morphine, but I'll never forget it. Never. It was god damn terrifying watching her come off that stuff, and I'm old enough now to appreciate just how much of her mind had shut down at that time.
Though I must admit, sometimes I'd trade almost anything to have just one day of that quite, complacent mum again. Just one day though.
It's hard to take Anne Bland in the large doses I do. Dad escapes in the garage or his online games, but I don't seem to have that luxury much lately.

Anne Bland - my mother - is one of the most stuborn people on this planet, prone to mood swings, hypocricy, lieing and selfishness; yet also compassion, selflessness, and true freindship.
She loves to be the center of attention, eavesdrops like it's her second nature, and can be so very demanding too.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mum - a hell of a lot - she's just... stressfull at times.
Our personalities clash something terrible.
Then again, dad's not much better at times... I'll leave this track for now though.


It was strange when Sasha stayed over. They went from their best, to their worst, and she saw (or in part heard) most of it. I don't think I'll ever forget (or truely forgive) Dad telling me this wasn't my home. I locked myself in the bathroom sobbing.
If Sasha hadn't been in the bedroom across the hall, I wouldn't have come out for hours. But she was there, and I felt responsible not only for her (in the face of my parents) but for her impression of my family.

So often I end up being strong - or 'the bigger person' - for other people. For mum, or dad, or Sasha, or the rest of my freinds and family. The reason I hid/hide my pain is so others don't have to deal with it.

I was in the shower earlier, wishing like hell that no one knew about my depression. I know that almost everyone will know soon (one of mum's quirks). I just wish no one knew what my problem is; it feels like people know a deep secret about me, that I've only just found out about; it feels like they know a weakness about me. People will think "she want's to die, she's being treated for depresiion", because, ofcourse, if you have depression you want to die...


If you've read all my other posts you'll find my lows where, yes, I've wanted to die. Just go to sleep and never wake up. You'll also notice that I pulled myself out of those lows. I'm not "sad", I don't self harm, I don't want to die, I don't think my life sucks. I just hurt everywhere... but that doesn't sound like depression does it? So no one will believe me. They'll be thinking of Georgina.

As we were walking (well, mum was in her scooter thingy) home from the doctors mum was talking (I was grunting answers - and getting pissed off) about how depression isn't something you can control, you can't just switch it off, it's an illness...
yeah, she majorly over did it.
I'm like Mother I know! shut the FUCK up!
As a matter of fact, if this is depression, I've been suffering it for about 3 or 4 years now, so I'm quite aware of it's workings and how it affects you; and actualy I CAN control it (to some degree). I can stop it from affecting me emotionaly - as you'll see in previous entries - I just can't seem to stop it from physically affecting me.
Bloody thing.

She also decided yesterday that I must be feeling ill because I've gone on the pill. Yeah, I let her know how crappy I was feeling, so she assumed that meant I was SUDDENLY feeling crap; not had been feeling this shit for weeks, and just couldn't deal with it anymore.
I got a fucking reprimand!
"How am I supposed to know that if you're in your bedroom all the fucking time?"
well, gee, thanks mum!
just because I don't go into details all the time... does that mean you can't see my tears when the pain comes? Does that mean you don't see me limping when the pains in my legs? Or were you just too absorbed in you're own pain - that I hear about all the fucking time...

Hmm, mum's winding me up abit at the minute - can you tell?? lol!


I'm feeling kinda isolated at the moment. Sasha is at her mums - like I'm gonna go there lol! - Me and Steph have no where to go - Arron's in Witham - Kiran's the other side of town - my sister & brother are busy with children.... TJ will be out with friends, as will Kayleigh.

I might go and see Di... she's nice.


Shit, there's tears prickling at my eyes, trying to escape now. WHY?? Jesus. This is as bad as being premenstral.
I feel kinda shit since Wayne (the prick) is here at the minute, I'm trying to come to terms with being clinicaly depressed (some how the thought makes me feel depressed lol!) and missing my friends and family (because Steph and Arron ARE family)... but I forgot, we've found a cure (apparently) so there's nothing to worry about anymore... *sigh*

I think that's the worst thing about Mum having Fibro, it's incurable. That means its worse apparently.
Shit - listen to me!! lol!! I really am niffed at her.

I'm not usualy this rude about my mother, honest!
Jeeze, I think I've been bottling all this up waaaay too long.

It's strange, I want to go tell Didi about what the doctor said. I want to be the one who confides in her. I some how know that she'd want to know. Thing is, I want to cry at the minute, so I don't think it's such a good idea to talk about this.
I hate crying.
I don't know why, it's just this silly notion I guess.
Crying is for children. It's a last resort. A show of just how vulnerable you are.
I hate being vulnerable.


I've taught myself, over the years, how to hold on to the tears, keep them in, be strong.
Only in a country whose slogan is "keep a stiff upper lip" would not showing emotion be classed as strong.

I tell guys that it's ok to cry, that you have to let out your emotions; but I don't do it myself. I don't let myself cry (unless I can't stop myself - and I always try to be alone to cry).


I've never really admitted that before, not even to myself.

I'm calmer now though, so it doesn't matter.

I think it's a pride thing you know. I don't like Mum or Dad to see that they've hurt me with their words.
I know they don't do it intentionaly, or I should hope they don't. It's all a joke that kind of thing. So much for not hurting peoples feelings...


Anyway, I think that's enough 'heart-pouring-out' for now.
I'm going to just chill and listen to Frou Frou/ Imogen Heap for a while.

Blessed be!

Lauren xxx

Saw Arron on firday.
No, that's a lie, I spent the whole day with him lol.
I get a text at 11 am askin me to come round, so I get out of bed and go to his. Ended up coming home at 10pm. We had a great time (except when he had a fight with his lil brothere - who was in all honesty being the biggest spoilt brat ever), watched shrek 3 together, sat about with his parents and Steph, then me Steph and Arron watche Hot Fuzz for a laugh; all of us falling asleep.

I wish everyday was as good as that one!

Apparently, since I'm the sort who just randomly tidies up and washes the pots, I'm quite welcome to move in at any time hehe.
I don't actualy know why I do it either. I just like washing pots.

When he just stood behind me and gave me a gentle shoulder massage I think it clicked just how much he really likes me back.
I've missed him so much. I started gettin all depressed and thought he just didn't wanna see me. He's been dealing with some major shit though. I wanna be there to help him through it, but he's not the sort to accept or want my help.

Highlights of the day:
Sharing icecream out of the tub with Steph
Listening to the rain with Arron
Trying Poteen and baylies together (had a nice clovey aftertaste)
Arrons arms around me
Steph tellin me I was officialy her best friend
Rusty (their dog) half accepting me at one point
Laughing at Spongebob
Arron cooking for me (not sure if that was a good idea though lol!)


Now, however, I'm trying hard to revise; and failing miserably.
Its for C4 - no, not the explosive, the Maths course - and I swear, I suck at this part of the course because I was away so much when we were studying it.
I'm about ontop of the concepts now, it's just trying to remember when and how to use them.
Things like remembering when to use Cos2x instead of 1-2cos^2x and how to integrate them etcetera.

It's gonna be a hard week or two.
Arron's gone to his grandma's for a while to hand in a job application. He really wants a job, some form of income, which I can really respect. The thing is, he's only really found one opening, and its over in Witham.
He's gonna be there for atleast a week now, and I know it'll be hard not seeing him, but I'll survive somehow lol. I hope he gets the job, but I really dont want him to either
Long distance relationships don't work.

He promised to put himself through his driving test and get a car if he gets the job, but I'm not going to kid myself - if he does get the job, I wont see much of him at all.
Unless I can find a way to go to him or something.
I wonder if theres a train or bus to Witham from here.
I hope so.

It just feels like he's going away from ME in particular. I know he isn't, and I believe him when he says he doesn't want to be so far away. I barely cope when he's away for a week, how am I supposed to deal with him LIVING there?

Oh well, we'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

I'll just have to occupy my time better

Well, enough rambling on, I have revision to do.

Love ya!
Lauren xx

Went camping over the weekend. Met some really cool people. SOO sore now though, and tired.

Miss Arron - how gay am I?
I'll probs see him tomorow.

lol - miss arron looks like a name up there

Not feeling too good. Had a big falling out with Sasha (it's a bit over due really).
She's at her mums again now instead of here, and thats probs v. good, since I'm still majorly pissed at her.

All I want atm is a glomp - but that'll have to wait.

Will's at it again *sigh*. When will he give up? blah.
Oh well.

Might go see Aza tomorow

yayness.

Best see if Brian liked his cards - didn't have time to give them to him, had to post them instead. I'm sure he wont mind. I'll explain if need be. blah. meh.

I think what I need is a reaaaly nice, warm massage. My shoulders are so cramped and icky. I can't actualy relax them at all. Oh well. I'll do it later probably.
I feel all battered and bruised, but the music was so great. They liked my strange little rifty thingy tooo. Tho I swear steve miss heard it the first few dozen times he made me play. Said I was nervous that's why it sounded wrong. I think I was just shivering. but hey.

Got to sing my "King Arthur" track too. The one that goes:
Land of bear and land of eagle
Land that gave us birth and blessing
Land that calls us ever homewards
We will go home across the mountain...

It's sung by one of the warrior person's partner at the begining part of the film - just after they come back from the first battle scene. I think. It's nice anyway.
Kinda do my own lil version of it.

They also liked my old one "Soulmate" - though I could only really remember the first verse.
Wind beneath my Wings sounded so beautiful when we did that one. I added the harmony and it was just lovely. They all had such great voices.
Apparently I have a nice one too. Nice of them to say.
I like the sound of my own voice, but then again, lotsa people do, don't they?

I'm rambling. It's because I'm sleepy.
I apologise for anything that makes no sense - spelling wise or just generaly - but I don't actualy remember what I've just written. Ok?
cool.

Well, ciao for now!

blessed be
Lauren xx

Having one of those days where I just wanna die.

Wanna leave home - it sucks. I can't stand my parents. Arron's coming round 2moro, so I get to escape with him. Hopefully.
I miss him.

I want to either break stuff or cry, but I'm not doing either. Maybe I'll go jump of a bridge. Or find Aza... but I don't wanna bug him sorta thing. It's his grandad's b'day...
Gah...

It's mum and dad's wedding aniversary on friday - Not got them anything - don't intend to either really. Sounds horible, but I dunno what they want. I'll probably just get them a card.

Thinking of running away tonight. Or going to sleep right now. Can't take a bath in this mood... dangerous thing to do. I nearly drowned myself the other day. Not good. Keep half strangling myself then realising what I'm doing and stop. Stupid ness. Dont wanna die really, just wanna kill everyone else :)

Want a hug. Need a Glomp. blah.

okay, signing off for now

blessed be
lauren

love hurts


being lonely sucks


I love you arron I miss you

1. When did your last kiss take place?
2... maybe 3 weeks ago

2. Who knows a secret or two about you?
I don't have that many secrets

3. Three words to explain why you last threw up?
Too bloody ill

4. Have you ever burned yourself?
Yeah, yesterday for instance, when I managed to melt my nail

5. Who knows you the best?
Um.. not a clue

8. Who is your hero?
I don't have one

9. Would you ever want to be a model?
I dunno, they get to wear some cool stuff at times

12. When is your next birthday?
9th Jan 2008

13. Who do you want to be with right now?
Arron - but the ghey's on holiday without me

15. How did you handle your last break up?
I think I dumped him, so it was ok.

17. Last thing to hurt you?
life

18. Last person to make you laugh?
Sasha

19. Last thing you ate?
salt and vinegar crisps I think

21. Have you ever accidentally eaten an insect?
yup

22. Do daddy long legs freak you out?
I just don't like things with that many legs

23. Have you ever cleaned up someone else's vomit?
yup.

24. Have you ever dropped food on the floor and eaten it?
yup.

25. Do you kiss your pets?
Sometimes

28. Do you ever talk to the TV?
More the radio atm, but yeah.

29. Would you ever work in a retirement home?
yeah

30. Do you believe plants have feelings?
Well, it is part of my religion... so kinda

31. Do you laugh at people with "bowl" haircuts?
only the people I know with them

32. Do you have nervous twitches?
I jiggle my leg

33. Are you ever purposely irritating?
ofcourse

36. Love or lust?
Love

37. What did you do today?
got up... come on the computer *it's only 9:30*

38. Favorite food?
chicken!!

39. Do you believe that your first love never dies?
I dont know - I think it does actualy.

40. What event are you looking forward to coming up next?
Arron coming back

41. Current shampoo?
Asda's own

43. Most favorite people?
Sasha, TJ, Arron, Steph, Kayleigh, Beth, Kiran, Lucy, Niki

44. What was the last thing you ordered at McDonald's?
Sprite

45. Are you an emotional person?
Yes

47. What color shirt are you wearing?
black (though it's not really a shirt)

48. Do you have plans for tomorrow?
urm... saturday.. *thinks* not yet.

49. Do you work?
Nope, sixth form

50. Do you dance naked in your room at night?
yup

51. Why did your last relationship end?
he was a weirdo, lived miles and miles away, and I wanted to get with Arron instead.

52. What are you listening to right now?
Three days grace

53. Biggest fear?
I honestly don't know. probably heights?

55. How long have you been a part of myspace?
few months maybe?

56. Favorite place to be?
outside in a thunder storm

57. Do you have a crush?
kinda - though I'm going out with him, so is that still classed as a crush?

58. Do you hate anybody?
Yep

59. Does anyone hate you?
most likely!

60. How many people do you trust fully?
Fully? no one.
trust? 4

Did a minor spell last night. Got some of the wording a little wrong, but it wasn't that big a deal. Meant the same thing in the end.

It was just a banishing type - where you write down everything that's upseting you and burn the paper. Sasha joined in so I only did a very very basic circle, but it was cool of her to join in. You can loose your nerve a bit when a couple of people walk past and your invoking the godess. I don't normaly get embarassed or anything, and I'm certainly not embarassed of my religion, it's just people look at you as if you've grown another head, which makes you feel a bit awkward, and the sincerity goes out of your voice, and you feel exposed.

I would have liked my first outdoor circle to have been more secluded, but in all reality, it was a really good spot next to the canal down the path that hardly anyone uses. Being next to the canal I was able to use the water there rather than carry any with me (or substitute with salt) so that was quite cool. Wasn't sure about extending the circle into the canal, didn't seem right some how.

I'd love to find a regular circle in town, I know there's a few other wiccan's round and about. It'd be really nice to go to a circle with experienced witches, rather than just basicaly guessing and probably getting bits wrong.

Hopefully when I get my room sorted I'll have a small alter and enough space for a circle anyway. Could do with a beosom really to clear the circle and stuff... and an athame... and my wand's pretty... basic. But hey!

Enough witchyness.

I'm feeling better, though last night Sasha got drunk (well, not REALLY drunk... just tipsy really) and couldn't walk straight, and lost her inhibitions completely, and nearly killed Steve and Fiona...
long story.

Miss Arron still, but I don't really wanna call him - I wanna see him. I talk to Will too much that's the problem. Phone calls are slightly tainted now.
Gonna get a banana and wheetabix in a mo.

Still pissed off at Mum (and dad), but hey.
feel like running away some times


Speak to you later

Blessed be
Lauren xx

If you loved me, you'd have killed me by now. You should know that any life this painfull is worth running from, even if it has you in it.
I'm empty, and while it's not your fault, you don't exactly help I'm afraid.

When was the last time you actualy knew how I felt?

Do you even know who I am? Hell no! Nobody has ever dug deep enough to find that out. Why would they want to?
I'm the one who's just happy no matter what, right?

Well, in my suicide note, it'll say "I was just so fucking happy, I had to do it!"
If I can get the balls to stand even more pain that is. I think it's the fear of having to live through a failed attempt that scares me. Death I can handle, it's all this fucking pain that I can't stand.

Yeah, there's no to worry about me dieing any time soon, I'm too chicken to actualy go through with it. I guess the optimist in me is still hoping everything will get better *yeah right*.

I just get the feeling no one gives a shit. It's like I could be dead, and mums first reaction would be "What a fucking mess"
Then she'd be pissed at me, because (obviously) I'd only kill myself to get out of cleaning my room. HA.
If she read through my notes and stuff before chucking it away, she might find a thing or two out about me. She might realise just how seriously messed up I am.
But enough with the ranting.

I think a large part of my death wish comes from a want to get back at my family without having to deal with the consequences. I'm so tempted to get on a train and just go. Anywhere. Just away, see if it helps.

I'm so going out soon though, clear my head.

I'm sick of doing all I can for everyone I can and no one even noticing me.
I don't want a thank you or anything, just someone to recognise how I feel.
Apparently that's too much to ask for though.

Well, I'm off.

Blessed be
Schitzatopaly yours
Lauren xx

hell yes

Sick of this!

♫ I must be dreaming ♫

Loving the frou frou ness


♪♫ I must be dreaming oh,
pinch me to wake me ♫♪



Euphoria... what a cool world.

Dunno what to do with myself.
All nervous about tests... miss arron... bored soooo bad.

Thinking of going and messin down the stream.
It's more fun with friends, and Sasha's too... far gone to do that sorta climbing lol.

I've probably not got the energy if I'm honest.


Oh well, lets stop complaining now

Loving the frou frou!!

Yes, I'm listening to Let Go by Frou Frou... she did the awesome version of hero (in shrek... the one that's played at the titles..?)

Oh ffs, just search 'Frou Frou' on youtube.

lol



I kinda feel shitty, so I'm glad I didn't go out on the town. I'd be a nightmare.
Sasha's coming back here in a few hours... which surpirses me. She must actualy like it here.
Wish I did.
I just want to spend time with steph and arron. They're so much fun...
BLAH.

I don't understand my brain at this time in the morning.
I was going to get a nice early sleep tonight... but oh well.
At least I'm in my comfy PJ's.
For some reason I'm typing as if I'm playing the piano.
It's all flowy... pretty like.

Maybe that has something to do with being sleepy. Everything either goes shitty, or really pretty.
It's because I don't think about what I'm doing, so everything just does whatever it wants to.
I just let go of it all. And this lovely light surrounds me as I drift off into the beauty. My headphones on with some fabulous music playing away, and I'm just drifting away on a cloud of ignorance.

Or is it ignorance?? because I don't feel ignorant. I just feel contented with myself for no reason.
It's as if that moment before dreaming has aleiviated all my worries. None of it matters anymore. All there is is bright happyness, that shimmers from some devine source, perhaps inside me, that I normaly don't touch.

I wish I could share this feeling, or keep it for those waking hours when I just need to feel sublime.
Maybe it's the music.
Frou Frou has this amazing way with music. It's like my dreams. There, substantial, clasic in it's own way, and yet... warped to this wonderful pattern that not everyone can see.

And there is a pattern. It slides around as if it's random, but it's so deliberate. I may have to get all her music and listen to it more often. I'm litteraly floating. It's almost as good as being with arron this feeling.
He makes me float a bit like this, only it's not as dreamy, it's far more intense.

Some people have asked me, "Do I love him?" and I reply ofcourse. But I have to wonder, is it love? And if it isn't... does it really matter??
What we have it's special to me, so it can't matter.

Can I see myself with him for a long time? I guess, but I wouldn't say I'm fantasising about it or anything. Would it crush me to loose him? I don't know. I wouldn't want to find out. lol.

I'm just starting to realise how uncomfortable this position for typing is. My arms going "SUPPORT ME!!" hehe.

I wonder... sleep?


I've got an email from Mr Cooke with details of the 'physics' barbeque... and I'm wondering if I should go or not. Technically I'm not doing physics anymore, but then, it's mr cooke's last year as teacher; and he was one of my favourites.
I can't believe he's leaving.
He doesn't seem old enough!
I guess, half of me really wants to go, but part of me knows I kinda don't like barbecue's anyway... so would there be any point?
You see, the problem is, I either don't like the food, and manage to offend who ever is cooking by not eating; or I really like the food and end up looking like a pig.

Think I'll ask Jenny and Alice if they're going, and maybe pree too... if they are, I'll consider it.
I guess I just don't want to go and everyone be like "But you don't do physics anymore, so why are YOU here??"
I hate feeling like an intruder.
I feel that way often enough you know?
I'll ask Jenny, she always gives me a straight answer.

Trying to think of a nice leaving gift to get for Mr Cooke... maybe something for his narrow boat?
A memory card?

Female teachers are easy to buy for, you get them jewlery... simple! hehe.

I'd like to do some research, and find something narrow boaty that's also physicsy... if that makes sense?
Like for Mrs White (my other fave physics teacher who left) I bought a necklace that looked a bit like the infinity loop... just a leeetle bit of physics thrown in you know?
Even if it's only something little and strange.

Maybe I could make him something from wood??
That would be so cool!
combine all three...

maybe a holder for his palmpad thingy...

I dunno.
I'm all hyperactive ideas, but I wont do anything. I'm like that. I have loads of ideas that just never materialise into anything.

I've just realised, I type nearly as fast as I talk to myself.
I kinda think it, then verbalise it in my head, then say it to myself in my head... and my fingers keep up with the last bit hehe.

I've realised that I can think without words. I just find it hard.
I automatically try to explain my thoughts to myself, to asign them words.
Strange :P

You'd think I'd be really easily understood! but nooo... maybe that's why I do it.

I don't really have progressive thoughts if I dont speak-think actualy.
I guess it doesn't give me time to annalyse the thought before it's forgotten/ dismissed.
I must therefore think very slowly in comparison to most people.
Yet I still manage to lose words when conveying my thoughts.
I hate doing that! hehe. Getting half way through a sentance and being on the next idea, before having explained the first. People get so confused! bless them!

Anyway, yeah, this is getting uncomfortable, so I'm going to go.
Or at least, submit this entry and sit back to listen to music hehe.


Blessed Be
Sophia xxx

So, nothing new to report. Still obsessively in love, still bored as hell, still got Sasha over.

Dunno why I'm even bothering to post to be honest.
Guess I'm just bored.

MWAH!

blessed be
Sophia xx

I'm slinking into a depression.

Everything just sucks.

I want to cry all the fucking time.


Why can't everything just be ok?
Why can't you just hold me and make the nightmares back off for a little while??
I keep going hyper, trying to knock myself into some kind of happyness, but I just cant.

I don't know if I can cope with Sasha staying here. I really don't.
But she's my friend, and I know I'll help her through whatever I can.

I just need to be with Arron. And no matter what I do, we're always parted somehow.
It's not fair. But that's life.
The only way I'll make it fair is to change.
But can I change?

I just want it all to stop hurting.
Is that too much to ask?
I guess so.

♫"Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems..."♫

Wont someone save me? Please?

I just don't know what from.
From everything and everyone I guess.

I can ask for help all I want, but if I can't even know what help I want/need, how am I supposed to be helped??

Quote for the day:

Hooray Hooray, the first of May!
Outdoor screwing starts today!