[Sophia]'s diary
I feel so stupid.
How could I not see how much more I loved him than he loved me.
TJ told me, he warned me Arron had his prioroties screwed up.
But god damn it, I love him. I can't love him any less than this! I can't go - ok - you don't love me that much, I'll stop loving you a bit.
It doesn't work.
Why do I wanna see him so much, and he can go "Oh, well I'm kinda busy."
I was honestly considering dropping out of Lucy's birthday party to go be with him; and he turns round and says "I want to meet my sister. I've not seen her in 11 years".
Well you're sister is living less than half a mile away from me! Why can't you spend a little tiny bit of time with me that day too??
Maybe I'm being selfish, but you would not believe how much this hurts.
He's the only thing I think of day and night. I miss him with every fiber of my being; and he can just turn round and say he doesn't think he'll see me. Like it's nothing.
Like if he did see me, it would be like giving a dog a bone.
He means everything to me, and it feels like I mean nothing to him.
I know he's kinda scared of major commitment like kids and marriage, but so am I. I'm not asking to marry him ffs! I just wanna see him for an hour, maybe two.
I guess thats just too much to ask though.
The main reason I want to get a 125, and pass my CBT is so I could go see him. Maybe I really don't know him though.
Maybe he really has changed too much. I feel like... like he doesn't care.
Like he's stringing me along.
I want to say "I know he's not though. I'm just over reacting. He's tired, he's the sort of bloke who gets tunnel vision. He didn't mean to sound like he didn't care, he was falling asleep ffs! He noticed I was well quiet, kept asking if I was ok and how my day was."
But I also want to say "You stupid idiot. The signs have been there all along. TJ noticed, Sasha noticed, but you refused to acknowledge it. You wouldn't let yourself see what an ass he can be. You made excuses, and you still do. You try to make him seem perfect, when you know damn well there's bits of him you don't like!"
Then again, part of me just says "Go to sleep. Stop worrying. Just sleep ffs, you're knakered."
So that last bit is the bit I'm going to listen to.
I can't stand more tears. I can't try and work this all out in my head, because I know I don't have the full story; and if I keep it up, I know I'll end up crying and thinking that he's inlove with some other girl who's pretty, has amazing eyes, is funny and irresistable, and who he can't stop thinking about.
Part of me is sure I'm making her up completely, and part of me is positive he's working with her!
How ghey is that??
Anyway, I was in floods of tears and had to let this out some way - and my jaw has locked shut for the time being.
So this little rant has helped.
I'm going to go to sleep now, or atleast to bed. Let my unconcious decide how I feel, because I sure as hell can't.
All I know is - love can really fucking hurt!
Blessed be
Lauren x
I have this guy! I'm so lucky!
OK, the word "oops" comes to mind.
How was I supposed to know I'd still have feelings for her??
I mean, come on! I hated her, she's a bitch - yet she drives me wild!
I came so close to making an ass of myself.
I'm lucky I have the kind of self control I do; otherwise that could have been a total mess.
It wouldn't have been an issue if she'd have been in more that a t-shirt and high socks.
But then she goes "I have such great legs" and shows them all the way to the top. I mean - come on!
The way she does that whole 'hurt and broken' thing - it just makes me want to wrap her in my arms and show her what real love can be.
You know you've got it bad when you want to kiss everything better for a girl, and I mean kiss everywhere better.
Resisting running a hand up those great legs was mild torture.
But then I'd think of Arron, and that just made things worse. Because every time I think of him I get so horny and lonely.
It's not the same feeling with Arron and her though. With her I just want to make her feel better. Want her to feel loved. Want to love her.
With Arron - it's bliss. It's like the slightest touch shoots fire into the place he touches me, and sets this lustfull fire going between my legs.
When I see him, I can't resist running into his arms. I nearly jumped out a moving car to get to him the other day - but mum pulled me back in until we'd stopped.
With Arron, its more than wanting him to feel loved, more than wanting to love him. It's absolute love for him, it's wanting to stay with him always, it's knowing he feels the same. I can tell by the way he looks at me, the way he kisses me, the little things he says.
What I feel for Arron makes the feelings for her look like... mild friendship; if that!
He's perfect.
He's great.
He's not got 'great legs' - he's simply great in every way.
I just wish he wasn't so far away all the time.
Well, rant over
Blessed be
xx lolly xx
Damn it
Damn it all to hell!
I'm feeling so shit!
I just wanna cry, and there's nothing I can do.
Stupid thing is, I can't cry.
How ghey is that?
I just can't cry.
I miss Arron way too much.
Way, way, waaaayy too much.
And all I can think is - we'll never bee together. Never.
And that hurts so god damn much!
I just want to be with him, is that too much to ask??
Apparently so!
It's funny really, Sasha's telling me about her life, and it seems so... trivial.
I don't know why, it just does.
I can't stand this pain.
I may die without him.
I've considered getting on my push bike and going to south witham. To him.
Maybe there's a bus?
I'm supposed to go to Rosie's party tonight and 'have a good time'.
But how can I have a good time if he's not there?
My brother and nephew are downstairs.
I should go see them.
I just don't want to atm. I wanna stay here.
I wanna cry. I want Arron.
Why do we have to be apart all the time?
It hurts so much.
And I hate that it hurts this much.
I'm not supposed to feel for him this much.
He isn't the one.... or is he?
I don't know.
I can't live without him.
That much I know.
Maybe if I set out now, I'd get to the OK diner by 10...
6 hours... should be enough time to walk there!
Ugh, but I have to pick beth up and take her to Rosies party.
It probably wouldn't take 6 hours to walk actualy.
It's like... 10... 15 miles right?
I can walk that!
The thing is, I shouldn't walk that.
I should wait.
I'm always god damn waiting.
I don't want to wait any more.
I want to hold him in my arms.
Say that I walk 3 miles an hour... that's about 4 hours walk... so, if I walked a little faster... maybe only 3 hours?
I want a motorbike so I can just... go.
Just go to him.
If I went by push bike... thats... um... *thinks* 1... maybe 2 hours?
If I could ride for that long, I would be there now.
Maybe if I start riding more... then I'd be able to get on a bike and go there.
It's only down the A1 after all!!
Ok. I seriously need some other focus in my life.
I can't concentrate at all.
I'm shocked I managed to get through my assesment.
Totally shocked.
I have to decide what to wear tonight too.
Ugh.
Girly stuff - what a pile of crap!
I don't want to dress up, I want to be in my scruffs, with Arron.
I need to stop obsessing about him.
I really do.
I have a very obsessive/adic
It's bad. Very bad.
Still.
I love him.
I love him more than I knew I could.
I think he loves me too.
Like... seriously loves me.
All I know is, I have got to chill.
I've got to stop missing him this much.
I'll never function if I keep this up.
Just push the pain way down and stamp on it.
Like everything else. Just push it away.
Live, Lauren, live... then love.
It doesn't work the other way round.
I'm going to start doing exercises to try and get my mind off him. I know I am.
Maybe it'll do me some good.
I hope so.
Blessed be
Lauren xx
A- Damn good in bed.
B- fun when it comes to meeting new people.
C- you believe in love
D- You have trouble trusting people.
E- you have a nice ass.
F- People totally adore you
G- Love is something you deeply believe in.
H- You have very good personality and looks.
I- You have a big warm heart.
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You like to try new things
L- You have a nice ass.
M- You never let ppl tell you what to do
N- One of the best in bed.
O- You love foreplay
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- People think you are so sexy.
S-You have a big heart
T -You are one of the best in bed.
U- You are really layed back.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded
X- Success comes easily to you
Y- One of the hardest gangsters alive
Z- you are really a closet gay
hehe, this is good fun.
Don't know why I like it so much - but hey!!
L- You have a nice ass.
A- Damn good in bed.
U- You are really layed back
R- People think you are so sexy.
E- you have a nice ass.
N- One of the best in bed.
S-You have a big heart
O- You love foreplay
P- You are popular with all types of people.
H- You have very good personality and looks.
I- You have a big warm heart.
A- Damn good in bed.
have fun
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going to see arron :D:D:D:D
WOOO!!
so happy :)
spendin the day with him at his grandparents house.
cant wait to see him
Miss him soo much!
woo!!
Damnit.
I spoil everything before it's even started!
I'm not made for this whole "realtionship" crap.
If at first you don't succeed
Try, try again.
If after that, you still don't succeed
Consider giving up.
This is my advice to the world at large.
You have to know when to keep going, and when to give up.
Goddess knows I never know where that line is, but maybe you do.
Anywho
Blessed be
xx
I'm having what Jason referes to as "Womanly Urges".
In other words, I'm horny; I'm in the mood to jump my boyfriend, drag him to bed, chain him up and take advantage of him.
Yeah, I have a bit of a kinky streak, but hey!
I read this post that said "If you had me locked in your bedroom for 24hours, what would you do with me?"
God my imagination's gone mad!
This is one of the problems with having an amazing imagination. Positions, bodyparts, tongues, actions... goddess I could go on forever.
Plus, I have the type of imagination where I can imagine how things will feel... and seriously, I wish I could stop!
Mouths, hands, skin... it's all just whirling around in my head; and I'm seriously in need of Arron right now.
This is so not the sort of thing I usualy post, and Kiran - I'm very very sorry. This is highly imapropriate.
But if I could think about anything other than sex right now, I would talk about something else.
Honestly, Dad was talking about switching my desk back into the sofa bed. If I had the sofa bed, when Arron came over... well...
Then, ofcourse, we're going for our bike assesments on Saturday - and just thinking about having that much power between my legs... well... like I say.
All I want right now....
Okay, I promise I'll stop now.
I'll try.
I'm trying.
I'm honestly trying not to picture my boyfriend naked; it's just a bit hard right now - like part of him is in my imagination...
Okay, sorry; I'll really stop now.
*sigh* I have nothing else to talk about really.
All I can think of is Arron.
It's terrible.
I'm totaly obsessed now.
Absolutely obsessed.
I keep looking at the clock thinking "Is he home yet?"
He's back in Grantham for a little while on Monday.
I hope he gets the day off work so I can see him.
Hopefully I'll be able to stay off jumping him.
Bless; Tweak asked if I have a boyfriend.
The words "hell yes" came to mind. Like I could um and ah about that when he's all I can think about!
I'm so desperate to see him.
When some one is all you can think about, and haunts your dreams, it's kinda hard to not be desperate to see them.
I may actualy die if I don't see him soon.
How sad is that?
It's true though. I can feel it.
I'm so in love; it's sick.
I best go before I start being rude again.
Blessed be!
xx Lauren xx
I'm low again today.
Dunno why.
I'm hopin that it's nothin. Just pickin up on Mum really.
I think I'd like to see Arron right this minute. I'd REALLY like to see him. Hold him.
He always makes me feel better.
I'm lucky to have him really.
Really lucky.
I really need to learn some shit soon.
This is a bit too much.
Blessed Be
xx Lolly xx
It's as if I can see the circle turning around me.
Sasha giving birth, Mum and dad's friends dieing.
The maiden, the Mother and the Crone all seem to gather round me, and no one else notices.
How odd.
It's strange for me that I don't really fear death anymore. It's become something - I don't know - to look forwards to? But not until it's time.
I've accepted that life ends, and that's ok. I know its sad to loose people that you love, but thats ok too.
I feel suddenly very connected to the world; and its both calming and terrifying at the same time.
I enjoy my 'big picture' moments. When I can just step back from everything and see whats real. I never remember afterwards what IS real though.
Strange, isn't it?
I can't quite explain this sensation of peace.
I hope it lasts for a hwile this time.
Blessed be
xx Lauren xx
I spoke to him for hours on the phone last night.
It's no good though. Unless I have him in my arms I still miss him.
Sometimes it feels as if my whole world is crashing down around me, and I lost my life saver.
It's as if I've lost part of myself - because he is part of me.
He's my heart.
I try not to miss him so much, but I can't help it.
Everything reminds me of him.
And if it doesn't, I think of him anyway.
It's like the poem on the english block wall.
"Everything has your touch, your memory.
And if I go some place where you never trod
I cry "There is no memory of him here"
And so think of you again."
Or words to that effect.
I forget.
I forget so much that I ought not, and remember what serves me little use.
I understand so well the feeling of loss now. Though I have not lost him, I still ache for his presence abundantly.
If he could only be with me for a moment, maybe I would believe again; believe that we will be together someday.
Now we must wait, while he works and I study.
We've waited so long though. Years we went without one another, and see how that never severed the ties?
Our bond is deep, but our love has to suffer these long partings.
Partaking in our love has always been easy, but time together dwindles too often.
Too quickly.
Even apart, we grow alike. Absence only feeds this fire more, until the burning is unbearable. Until the thought of you devours my entire being, engulfing it, never to be quenched.
I could drown in you and never quench this fire.
Erotic thoughts of you half break my heart.
The picture of your smile makes it bleed with yearning.
At night, I sleep in the memory of your arms.
The thought of your lips keeps me going through the day; waiting for our next embrace.
Home is with you, wherever you go; because you carry my heart with you.
I gave it to you with my body and soul; and though I have your heart with me, I need you to be whole again.
I miss you more than words can say.
You're the air that I breath, the food I eat, the sweetness I drink. You are my everything.
I don't know how I live without you.
Ugh, I'm in such a bad mood today. Everything is stressing me out way too much!!
My head hurts too which doesn't help things.
I want to just have a hug off Arron and fall asleep - but that's too much to ask from life.
Life which constantly pulls my boyfriend away from me.
Sometimes I really hate him for that.
I just need him here now. I was glad he was away while I got over the first bit of my depression, but now I realy need his love and his support.
I'm pissed off at my parents all the time.
I'm sick of Sasha now.
I can't stand this anymore. I need him ffs!
It's too hot today, that's probably why I feel so shit.
Still, I just want to get out of here, see him, be happy for once in my god forsaken life!!
Goddess, why do I feel this crap?
I feel like I've been stabbed in the chest. If it weren't on the right hand side, I'd think it was my heart.
I think I'm going to fill my water bottle up, get on my bike, and ride for a little while.
It's not like I can go that far, or that fast, but I just want to go.
I think I'll walk sasha home, then ride around for a few mins and head home.
Home.
This isn't home.
Home is where I make my home.
I need somewhere to call my home...
I need someone to make my home with...
Is that too much to ask?
Maybe.
I can feel myself just sinking into all the crap again. Everything that makes me feel shit just seems to have piled up on me again. Why can't I just let go of all this shit?
I just need... I don't know what I need.
Sleep maybe.
I'm deffinately going for a bath sometime today.
Salt bath.
Luke warm bath, and a book, and a notepad and pen, and just comfyness.
No more thinking about mum, or dad, or Arron, or Sasha, or any of that shit.
Just the water, the ink, and the paper.
Just me, just chilled.
(yeah, like that'll ever happen. I can't turn off my brain
)
Mum's cooking atm.
I'm so argumentative.
I can't help it, I just... feel shit I guess.
MEH!!!
I wanna feel better 
Meh.
I'm going to go... see if I can cheer up.
Blessed Be
I'm so confused.
Last night, Will said he loved me, and I said it back.... does that mean I'm cheatin on my boyfriend??
I don't even know if I love either of them or not anymore.
My head is so messed up.
I'm finding it really hard to understand my own feelings at the minute. I can't tell if I love someone or not, I can't tell if I'm happy or sad, I can't even tell when I'm hungry or not!!
I wish it would all just... I don't know... be clear for once.
You know? Just - you like this person. Or something.
I don't know.
There's this huge history between me and Will, and I barely understand most of it...
I loved him... I hated him... he was my bestfriends lover for a time... he was mine for a time... he helped me through the darkest moment in my life... but I don't know how I feel about him.
I don't know how I feel about Arron either.
Yes, when I'm with him we have fun, and he makes me feel on top of the world... but the rest of the time... I dunno. Right now I don't actualy think I love him.
I just want him to be my friend... maybe friend with privaledges. I love that we have the tittle 'boyfriend and girlfriend'... but I don't think we really fullfill that role for each other. We're barely aware of what's happening in each others lives, we're not there for each other. To me, thats what lovers are for. Not just physical love, but emotional support.
We don't give each other that.
I guess the biggest thing holding me back from Will is trust. He tells me stuff, and they seem so far fetched... I'm never sure whether to believe him or not. I try to take everything with a pinch of salt... but still. It can be hard.
Plus I'm of the oppinion that long distance relationships just don't work.
*sigh* I don't know what to do, so I'm doing nothing, and that feels like the wrong thing to do too.
For the past two or three years, I've been living my life for others. Doing and being what and who people wanted me to be. Now I'm not sure who I am.
Lately, I've just been the friend Sasha needed. The rest has just kinda... fallen into the background.
Hopefully I'll get my head sorted soon.
It'd be so nice to just... not feel this way.
To be better.
I'm trying to start some kind of exercise regime to build my strength back up. I feel so weak and useless.
I've had nearly a year of next to no exercise, so you can imagine how out of shape I am.
I'd like to loose a bit of my 6 stone exess weight too.
Not all 6 stone - that's stupid - but a little of it. I think it'd make me feel a bit better.
I'm now 15 1/2 stone, and it gets to me at times.
People always tell me I don't look like I'm that big, which is nice to know, but I'm still carrying about 150N force extra around with me at all times.
It's like carrying really heavy bags all the time, it must put my body under a lot more strain than it needs.
I'm hoping to cycle some more. I'll probably start with the exercise bike in the hallway. It's not as hard work as going up hills and stuff. Plus I can stop anytime I need to without having to pedal all the way home.
I'm also thinking of going rock climbing at the leisure center too. That would be awesome.
See, I love to climb, but I still have a bit of a fear of heights. It's nothing like what it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to start climbing, conqour my fears.
I'm trying to expand my mind too.
I've got my usual crappy books from the library, but I've also got "War and Peace" out. I don't know how I'll do with it, but I really want to give it a try.
I'm also going to start reading some more Jane Austin, and maybe the brontes... My Stephen King phase is more or less over... but I'm planning on reading more of the classics. We've got enough of them round the house.
I've been trying to write this song too, but it's totaly gone now. The one line and rift are gorgeous... I'm dieing to find the rest of the song... but I'll just have to wait I guess.
Maybe if I sort myself out first, all my relationship problems will just fall into place. I hope so.
I'm going to try tidying my room tomorow too.
Clean, fresh, new start.
Thats what I need now.
Anyway,
Blessed be
xx Lauren xx
When I'm hot, I take off my top.
When I'm bored, I take off my top.
When I'm alone, I take off my top.
When I'm with Arron, I take off my top.
You know what? I think I just don't like my top...
*sigh*
I'm in one of those moods where everything seems highly pointless.
Like, wearing clothes that are 'fashionable', or even 'socialy acceptable'.
It's like - whats the freakin point? There's a whole WORLD out there people - clothes just DO NOT matter!
Ok, so I'm also pissed off, because my boyfriend is being quite a nobb.
Not that this is something new...
I feel like I look - crap.
I mean, any person in their right mind would take one look at me, scream, and run in the other direction.
I'm all.... stripey - it's scary. My top is stripey sideways, and my skirt is vertically striped... it's just a big old mess. I couldn't even be bothered with underwear today - how bad is that? I shoved on these awefull clothes because they're comfy. I didn't bruch my hair, because I can't be arsed. It's not as if there's anyone left round here to dress up for.
I'm planning on staying in all day anyway, so, you see, clothes really aren't high on the agenda.
Ofcourse, there ISNT an agenda... so nothing is high up on it... but that really isn't the point.
All there is at the minute is urges, lack of energy, and an unfathomable reason that I really am quite sick of now.
Like, for instance, I'm hungry - I have the urge to eat, but I can't be arsed to move - and my reason is telling me "It's just gone lunch time, you've eaten already today, wait another hour till you're truely hungry and have something proper."
It sounds like my freakin mother!
So that's it, isn't it, reason - as freud would say - is the voice of your parents, telling you what not to do. Making you supress things. He called it something else - I just can't remember what at this moment it time. After all, it's not as if I studied him properly - hinted on him? maybe, but studied? Pah! This was Ethics ... ok? not much "studying" going on in that class.
Not on my part atleast.
I'm so pissed off with this boy!! My god!
Let me impart the conversation between myself and my boyfriend for you:
Sophia says :
hey
psychosis says :
hey sorry cant stop busy darlin trying to sort something
Sophia says :
ok, am I ok to call you later?
fifteen minutes later....
nothing.
He's still online - the prick - he's just not talking to me.
Like he wasn't answering his phone for the past week.
grrr
Yeah - I pretty much look like that ^
Joy.
I think I'm going to go now, and try and stop being a pissed off pile of crap. Or atleast stop wingeing. I hate people who moan all the time, and I'm fast turning into one.
Oh well, ciao for now people xx
blessed be
I feel like a zombie at the moment. It's like I'm stumbling through the routine of life without thinking. 
I've been writing a story lately, but it's kinda... blah now. I'm not in the mood to write. I'm not in the mood to do anything.
I wish I had the energy to go on a bike ride or something.
I've decided I want to be able to run. Not just sprint, run. I want to be able to run and not be out of breath. I want to build my strength back up.
I'm not going to the folk club tomorrow I don't think.
I'm not really up to it.
Too stressfull right now.
It's day 4 of my medication, and I'm feeling shit. Mum says she was a zombie for the first week or two when she started on them.
It's funny, me, V, and Sean are all on the same medication. Makes you wonder why.
Yesterday was nice, but I'm really tired now.
I like seeing Kiran.
She's nice.
I've put some "fat balls" out for the birds.
They keep flying to the window and eating from it.
I love the sound their wings make.
Half thought one was going to fly in my room a minute ago.
Anyway, I'm going to go now. My brain doesnt want to work all that much.
Blessed be
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.
I don't know what to think.
I feel drained. There's no other way to explain. I just tried calling Arron, no response. I miss him, and I want to know how he is, how his new job is going.
I'm wondering how easily he's forgotten me this time. I start to feel unwanted when he's away and out of contact too.
It's strange, part of me wants to cry, and yet, I'm the sort of exhausted that you get after crying hard and long.
My head's throbing a little too. I hate feeling this way.
It's as if the happy pills have just drawn out all my depression and made me feel the full weight of them again.
I can feel it in the way I react to people, the way I see the bad in everything rather than the good.
I'm going to try taking some pain killers in a second. I can't work out why I've been putting myself through all these painfull headaches without trying to get rid of them. I think part of me feels I deserve to be in this pain -- or someting... So I've not been taking any, even though I've been in loadsa pain.
It helped to take one yesterday, so I think I'll take one before bed tonight, see if it abates this headache for long enough for me to rest easy.
I'm tired at the moment, which makes everything seem worse. I talked to mum about how I've been feeling, and my issues with depression, and my denial, and it felt like I got something off my chest. Cried when I mentioned George... but I couldn't help that.
We went shopping, and I bumped into Jo Wing! Not seen her in ages. Gave her Julia's phone number to try and help her get back in touch with people again. She looked really tired.
When ever I see Jo, my heart aches. I just want to hold her, and help her find that bit of herself that's somehow missing. I get all motherly. I used to think my feelings towards Jo were a crush, but I realised today that it's just this need to help her. It's as if I can see her pain etched plainly on her face, and if I can just find what's causing it, I can make all that pain go away.
I know I can't though.
Shame really.
That's reminded me of something dad said today.
I was annoyed at Sasha, because she's not really trying to get herself sorted out, and after all I've done for her, all my family has done for her, it feels just so wrong.
I asked dad "Why am I so bad at choosing friends?"
He told me it's because my hearts too big.
He said "Its mine, and your mothers, fault. We both have big hearts, and yours is twice as big as ours."
It made me want to cry.
I'm not all that sure why to be honest.
It was just so... kind of him to say.
He made it sound like my faults were actualy my best aspect.
It would help, however, to have a smaller heart sometimes. Feeling for, and wanting to help, everyone; especialy everyone in pain; can be exhausting. It hurts when I can't help people.
It's as if peoples pain draws me to them.
As if part of my being searches for people I can soothe, or try to help.
Just be there for.
I always wanted to be a singer for one reason. To help people.
I can't really explain it. I wanted to be able to sing, and make people feel better.
I wanted my lyrics to touch people, and let them know everythings going to be ok. Let them know I'm there for them, who ever, where ever, they are.
I don't think I can do that though.
I don't think my music effects people like that.
Not yet.
Sometimes I have this dream where I kind of... gather up everyones pain inside me. Everybody is happy again, no one is really angry, nobody hurts too much. It's only for a little while, because new hurts always happen, always follow, but for that time everyone is ok.
It's like a little island of hope, where everyone is joined together...
Sometimes I die in the dream, the pain is too much. But it's a happy pain, because I know everyone else is ok.
Sometimes I like... swallow it down... and it hurts so much I cry... but everyone's ok, and that makes me ok somehow; and we're all just joined in mutual... mutual 'ok'ness.
People who cry themselves to sleep have that one night where they sleep with a smile on their face, and no nightmares come.
People dieing in pain just sigh, and float away.
People hell bent on revenge stop, and live for a day instead.
People with terminal illnesses, or constant physical pain, get up and do whatever they want; because for that time, they can.
Bumped knees are all healed, broken hearts mended...
That's what I want to do.
That's what I feel it's like... my destiny to do.
I don't care if I have to hurt to do it, I just want everyone else to be OK.
Maybe that's part of the depression?
I wouldn't know.
And I hate not knowing. Not knowing anything... bugs me some how.
It's as if I've forgotten something important.
I can't really explain it.
God did once; but then, if I'm suffering from a mental illness, I probably would have actualy believed it was god talking to me, not some part of my mind that was entirely reason.
I have times, you see, when I understand everything.
Like seeing the big picture.
And seriously, we're such little blips on the canvas of life. The amazing thing is, we so often start these cascades of colour.
Whether its an action, a relationship, a child, a single word. At some point in everyones life, they become the single most important person there is. Maybe not the most important ever (that's possibly still to come), but for the time; and it may be a second, a minute, a year... but every one has that moment. Everyone.
It might be a single word you say.
It might be something you start, set up, begin.
It might be the child you have, or abort, or misscarry.
It might be an amazing thing, the personificatio
Then again, it'll probably be neither. Not everythings good or bad, somethings are incredibly important because they're neither.
It's strange how I just know that, with every fiber of my being.
Maybe my moment is in this post. Maybe someone will read this and it'll make something different. Maybe it wont.
It doesn't matter really.
People say that all our life is, is a series of moments. But they're not quite right. Our life is moments, actions, friends, family, words we say, words we dont say, hopes, dreams, beliefs... Even the forgotten people, whose moments were nothing special, contributed in some way to the world we live in, the world we're becoming, the future we're moving towards.
Those we remember, we don't remember for moments. We remember for actions, for words, for dreams and beliefs. For what they did, not who they were. For what they said, and how, and what that meant to people; not for the series of moments they themselves were feeling, having, experiencing.
So you see, life can't JUST be a series of moments.
But the moments are important.
You have to live for the moment, not throw them away. You have to do something... even if you don't know what it is.
There's something you've already done, waiting in the future for you to do it.
Everything's already happened, we're just living it out.
That's the way I see it.
We have to live it out to see what happens next.
It doesn't matter that we don't get to see the very end. Maybe there isn't one. We should try to enjoy, or atleast EXPERIENCE everything we can of our moments, and see what we can of what we have.
Or atleast, that's the way I see it.
Other people see life through religious eyes, some see it through such different eyes to you, you can't really imagine a world coloured that way.
In everything we see, there are so many things; and everything we see can be seen so many ways.
Sometimes looking at something differently can help you understand another part of it.
I wonder why I'm trying to explain all this now, here.
I don't think I ever explain it all properly. I just let my thoughts flow into words and away...
My mind keeps pulling me towards Wicca again, though I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll find comfort there?
Anyway, if you've managed to stumble through all those thoughts, jumbled together, and understood;
And if you have took from what I said, and put it together with something, or if it's helped you at all,
I'm glad.
Thank you for your patience, your time, and your open mind.
To all:
Blessed be!
My love to you all
xx Lauren xx
So I went to the doctors today, and saw some other doctor than usual. He's given me some pills for depression.
I think the germans are right you know, we say "tablets for..." something, but we actualy me something for the prevention of something, or against it. If you say you want something for a headache, the best thing is a small hammer - or fist to the head!
Anyway, keeping in conventional English, I've got these 'happy pills' for my apparent depression. I honestly think I'm better anyway.
I don't feel half as bad mentaly/emotio
Weird.
The question WHY? keeps slapping me round the face though.
Why am I depressed?
Why don't I feel that bad?
Why can't I handle the fact that I'm actualy depressed?
Why did it take this long for someone to notice?
Why don't I understand?
Why do I have to feel this bad?
Why can't I work out whats making me depressed?
Why?
Ofcourse, no one knows why. It's a silly question anyway. There's no reason to ask why, they're finaly treating me, why question it?
It fits anyway.
Part of me is really annoyed that they tested me for depression months and months ago, but never did anything about it when it (obviously) came back positive.
I remember telling the doctor today that I wasn't depressed anymore. I said "I wouldn't tick the same boxes anymore. I remember what it felt like, and I' don't feel like that anymore." But I've been thinking; searching deep inside; asking 'what if I am? how would I know?' and the answer came that I do know, and I am, and a big part of it is my parents, and a big part of it is the stress I'm putting myself through for Sasha. Part is half loosing Arron - he's moved away to Witham for his new job. It hurts, but not badly now. I'm ok with it now.
Something Kiran said to me, keeps coming back and niggling at my mind, about bottling things up. I don't know if I do bottle things up... I know I probably supress myself a little more than is honestly healthy.
Like now, Sasha's just told me she's going for a loan thing - when I know for a fact she was supposed to go to the council and the job center today, but didn't because of a headache.... She's supposed to have sorted out the Gas and Water by now too, but has she? hell no. She's supposed to have applied for income tax or support, or something, but she hasn't.
I'm beginning to loose patience with her. She still keeps going back to her mums house. She hasn't got all the furniture sorted yet. I think she's expecting it all to sort itself out. She's in for a rude awakening!
I'm still apprehensive about these pills. Apparently they're likely to make me realy ill the first few weeks while they get into my system. Joy!
But, after that, there's a possibility I'll be better.
Better. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I don't know how to explain it, but part of me is too scared to hope I'll ever be better. I've not considered my future for so long now, scared of being like this forever. So I'm half expecting this not to work at all.
Then part of me thinks - you've gotten used to not having to do as much - will you really do everything again? I'm a lazy arse, so not doing stuff half suites me. I'm scared I'll start pretending I'm still ill to get out of stuff.
Then part of me is absolutely dieing to be better again. To be able to do all the stuff I'm used to doing again.
The other thing is, will I be on these drugs for the rest of my life, like V? or will I just need them for a bit, like Mum did?
I don't want to be the sort of person who depends on drugs to live their lives.
I'd rather get used to the pain than get used to popping pills. How stupid is that?
If it works and they say "Ok, take it for another 6months" I will. But after that, if they still want me on them I'll have to say no. I... I'm terrified of becoming like mum. Tablets in the morning, at specific times of the day, before bed, through the god damn night. I may have only been young when she was on the huge doses of morphine, but I'll never forget it. Never. It was god damn terrifying watching her come off that stuff, and I'm old enough now to appreciate just how much of her mind had shut down at that time.
Though I must admit, sometimes I'd trade almost anything to have just one day of that quite, complacent mum again. Just one day though.
It's hard to take Anne Bland in the large doses I do. Dad escapes in the garage or his online games, but I don't seem to have that luxury much lately.
Anne Bland - my mother - is one of the most stuborn people on this planet, prone to mood swings, hypocricy, lieing and selfishness; yet also compassion, selflessness, and true freindship.
She loves to be the center of attention, eavesdrops like it's her second nature, and can be so very demanding too.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mum - a hell of a lot - she's just... stressfull at times.
Our personalities clash something terrible.
Then again, dad's not much better at times... I'll leave this track for now though.
It was strange when Sasha stayed over. They went from their best, to their worst, and she saw (or in part heard) most of it. I don't think I'll ever forget (or truely forgive) Dad telling me this wasn't my home. I locked myself in the bathroom sobbing.
If Sasha hadn't been in the bedroom across the hall, I wouldn't have come out for hours. But she was there, and I felt responsible not only for her (in the face of my parents) but for her impression of my family.
So often I end up being strong - or 'the bigger person' - for other people. For mum, or dad, or Sasha, or the rest of my freinds and family. The reason I hid/hide my pain is so others don't have to deal with it.
I was in the shower earlier, wishing like hell that no one knew about my depression. I know that almost everyone will know soon (one of mum's quirks). I just wish no one knew what my problem is; it feels like people know a deep secret about me, that I've only just found out about; it feels like they know a weakness about me. People will think "she want's to die, she's being treated for depresiion", because, ofcourse, if you have depression you want to die...
If you've read all my other posts you'll find my lows where, yes, I've wanted to die. Just go to sleep and never wake up. You'll also notice that I pulled myself out of those lows. I'm not "sad", I don't self harm, I don't want to die, I don't think my life sucks. I just hurt everywhere... but that doesn't sound like depression does it? So no one will believe me. They'll be thinking of Georgina.
As we were walking (well, mum was in her scooter thingy) home from the doctors mum was talking (I was grunting answers - and getting pissed off) about how depression isn't something you can control, you can't just switch it off, it's an illness...
yeah, she majorly over did it.
I'm like Mother I know! shut the FUCK up!
As a matter of fact, if this is depression, I've been suffering it for about 3 or 4 years now, so I'm quite aware of it's workings and how it affects you; and actualy I CAN control it (to some degree). I can stop it from affecting me emotionaly - as you'll see in previous entries - I just can't seem to stop it from physically affecting me.
Bloody thing.
She also decided yesterday that I must be feeling ill because I've gone on the pill. Yeah, I let her know how crappy I was feeling, so she assumed that meant I was SUDDENLY feeling crap; not had been feeling this shit for weeks, and just couldn't deal with it anymore.
I got a fucking reprimand!
"How am I supposed to know that if you're in your bedroom all the fucking time?"
well, gee, thanks mum!
just because I don't go into details all the time... does that mean you can't see my tears when the pain comes? Does that mean you don't see me limping when the pains in my legs? Or were you just too absorbed in you're own pain - that I hear about all the fucking time...
Hmm, mum's winding me up abit at the minute - can you tell?? lol!
I'm feeling kinda isolated at the moment. Sasha is at her mums - like I'm gonna go there lol! - Me and Steph have no where to go - Arron's in Witham - Kiran's the other side of town - my sister & brother are busy with children.... TJ will be out with friends, as will Kayleigh.
I might go and see Di... she's nice.
Shit, there's tears prickling at my eyes, trying to escape now. WHY?? Jesus. This is as bad as being premenstral.
I feel kinda shit since Wayne (the prick) is here at the minute, I'm trying to come to terms with being clinicaly depressed (some how the thought makes me feel depressed lol!) and missing my friends and family (because Steph and Arron ARE family)... but I forgot, we've found a cure (apparently) so there's nothing to worry about anymore... *sigh*
I think that's the worst thing about Mum having Fibro, it's incurable. That means its worse apparently.
Shit - listen to me!! lol!! I really am niffed at her.
I'm not usualy this rude about my mother, honest!
Jeeze, I think I've been bottling all this up waaaay too long.
It's strange, I want to go tell Didi about what the doctor said. I want to be the one who confides in her. I some how know that she'd want to know. Thing is, I want to cry at the minute, so I don't think it's such a good idea to talk about this.
I hate crying.
I don't know why, it's just this silly notion I guess.
Crying is for children. It's a last resort. A show of just how vulnerable you are.
I hate being vulnerable.
I've taught myself, over the years, how to hold on to the tears, keep them in, be strong.
Only in a country whose slogan is "keep a stiff upper lip" would not showing emotion be classed as strong.
I tell guys that it's ok to cry, that you have to let out your emotions; but I don't do it myself. I don't let myself cry (unless I can't stop myself - and I always try to be alone to cry).
I've never really admitted that before, not even to myself.
I'm calmer now though, so it doesn't matter.
I think it's a pride thing you know. I don't like Mum or Dad to see that they've hurt me with their words.
I know they don't do it intentionaly, or I should hope they don't. It's all a joke that kind of thing. So much for not hurting peoples feelings...
Anyway, I think that's enough 'heart-pouring
I'm going to just chill and listen to Frou Frou/ Imogen Heap for a while.
Blessed be!
Lauren xxx
Saw Arron on firday.
No, that's a lie, I spent the whole day with him lol.
I get a text at 11 am askin me to come round, so I get out of bed and go to his. Ended up coming home at 10pm. We had a great time (except when he had a fight with his lil brothere - who was in all honesty being the biggest spoilt brat ever), watched shrek 3 together, sat about with his parents and Steph, then me Steph and Arron watche Hot Fuzz for a laugh; all of us falling asleep.
I wish everyday was as good as that one!
Apparently, since I'm the sort who just randomly tidies up and washes the pots, I'm quite welcome to move in at any time hehe.
I don't actualy know why I do it either. I just like washing pots.
When he just stood behind me and gave me a gentle shoulder massage I think it clicked just how much he really likes me back.
I've missed him so much. I started gettin all depressed and thought he just didn't wanna see me. He's been dealing with some major shit though. I wanna be there to help him through it, but he's not the sort to accept or want my help.
Highlights of the day:
Sharing icecream out of the tub with Steph
Listening to the rain with Arron
Trying Poteen and baylies together (had a nice clovey aftertaste)
Arrons arms around me
Steph tellin me I was officialy her best friend
Rusty (their dog) half accepting me at one point
Laughing at Spongebob
Arron cooking for me (not sure if that was a good idea though lol!)
Now, however, I'm trying hard to revise; and failing miserably.
Its for C4 - no, not the explosive, the Maths course - and I swear, I suck at this part of the course because I was away so much when we were studying it.
I'm about ontop of the concepts now, it's just trying to remember when and how to use them.
Things like remembering when to use Cos2x instead of 1-2cos^2x and how to integrate them etcetera.
It's gonna be a hard week or two.
Arron's gone to his grandma's for a while to hand in a job application. He really wants a job, some form of income, which I can really respect. The thing is, he's only really found one opening, and its over in Witham.
He's gonna be there for atleast a week now, and I know it'll be hard not seeing him, but I'll survive somehow lol. I hope he gets the job, but I really dont want him to either
Long distance relationships don't work.
He promised to put himself through his driving test and get a car if he gets the job, but I'm not going to kid myself - if he does get the job, I wont see much of him at all.
Unless I can find a way to go to him or something.
I wonder if theres a train or bus to Witham from here.
I hope so.
It just feels like he's going away from ME in particular. I know he isn't, and I believe him when he says he doesn't want to be so far away. I barely cope when he's away for a week, how am I supposed to deal with him LIVING there?
Oh well, we'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.
I'll just have to occupy my time better
Well, enough rambling on, I have revision to do.
Love ya!
Lauren xx
