I've had a pretty good day.
So why am I so low again?

It's really strange. It's as if I get home and I get nice and sleepy, and bam - the depression hits.
I can't tell why though. Maybe its my family, or this house. I know I thought it was this place at one point... more likely the negativity that poors out of my parents, and me...

I don't want to see anyone, but I feel the need to be with someone. Maybe Sasha... meh - I don't know.

I'd like to go see Arron... but I know how badly that would go aswell. I can't explain whats wrong. I think its my fault really. I get low, Arron's not around, I look for other people to comfort me. I can't seem to help it, which is bad - I want to have more self control. I don't want to look at other guys and think 'what if'... I don't want to wonder what a relationship with other people could be. I don't want to look at Carl like that, or think of Will in that way... but I do - and it shows. I'm sure it does.
I can't keep makeing the first move though.
If I felt like I was getting something back, something... maybe... maybe's don't matter though.
Everyone says I need to end it with him; and I mean everyone. My dad told me to send him a text saying "Welcome to dumpsvill, population you." It's not me though. I can't do that sort of thing, mostly because I still have feelings for him. I'm not ready to end it I guess.

I'd love to go surprise him today, but it would be just my luck that I'd make plans to go, and he'd be unavaliable. He's always busy. Too busy. Too busy for me atleast.
I just want to be held. Properly I mean... not in that mildly awkward friend way, or that loving family member way... properly, from a lover... that way that makes you feel wanted by someone who has no need to want you... I don't know how it's different, it just is.
I want Arron to hold me and tell me everything will be okay between us. I want to be able to believe him.

I might call him, see if he has plans tonight... then see if I can beg mum to take me there, or pick him up or... or... something.

I know it's silly to be so consumed by this, but it feels like I'm grasping at straws here. It's the fact that in a relationship we're supposed to be there for each other. I need him here for me, and I want to be there for him. I want to know what problems he's got... I want to sit together and just chat.
None of the stupid jokes, none of the Uncles, parents, or friends... just us. Talk about the stuff we've been meaning to say.

I guess I'm lonely.
There's just... something that can't be replaced by friends. No matter how nice, how loving, how sweet... they just don't fill that gap left by a lover.
Hmm, love...
I'm still undecided as to whether I love Arron... or if I can love him. He's not what I want... but what I want I've never found.
Well... maybe I have...

I have to go though. Stop rambling about rubbish. None of it really matters in the scheme of things; though I can see it means a lot to me.

So, I'll go do some homework, call my 'bf', and try to cheer up (little emo fish) xxx

Love you all
Lauren xxx

Korn...

Now, imagine you've never heard or seen this band. What is your first thought?

"God these people can't spell...."

"Who wants to listen to corn anyway?"

"What kind of hillbilly sings about corn, and can't spell ... ?"


Not really the effect they were going for I assume.


Though, as one of the dirtier minded of my friends has pointed out, "P and K are kind of close on the keyboard."

Still not what the band meant - I'm sure.

Low again.

Not on here much... forgive me.

Refusing to take my medication.

Lonely. Always lonely.

Angel - dedicated to William, our Angel

Been through silence, been through tears;
Always wishing you were here.
We're all missing you my dear;
Though you've left us, we know you're still here.

And though we may stay up all night,
Seeking comfort from the light,
We know everythings really alright...
Though you've left use, we know you're here

Angel,
Our sweet angel
You're an angel, my friend
And you know we're missing you
Angel,
You're our angel
You're with angels now...
Forever in our hearts Angel...

I thank God that you're not in pain.
Or being slowly driven insane;
And maybe we'll see you again
Forever in our hearts...

Angel,
Our sweet angel
You're an angel, my friend
And you know we're missing you...
Angel,
You're our angel
Yes you're with angels now...
Forever in our hearts Angel

Been through silence, been through tears;
'Cause we're wishing you were here....

We still stay up late at night,
Gazing softly at the light,
Hoping you're here by our sides...

Oh Angel,
Our sweet Angel,
You're an angel, my friend,
And you know we're missing you
Angel.
You're our angel,
Yes you're with angels now...
Forever in our hearts angel...

I wish I could honestly say I know what love is.. but I really don't.
I use the word, and feel... so much... but - I just don't know what love is.
Is it lust and trust and all that? Or is it wanting to spend your life with someone?
Is it wanting someone despite their imperfections... or because of them?

I'm ending with Arron... just have to speak to him... and have the guts to let him hurt.
Thats one of my problems, I hate hurting people.
But it really does not work between us.
Plus... there's kinda someone else...

I don't know how to handle relationships. Thats always been one of my problems.
I know how to give someone love, and (now) how to detect when I'm not getting it back... but... what do I really know about love? Or relationships?

*bah, i give up*

Wrote you a song today Will.
I didn't mean for it to come out so corny and sad sounding. My music is always like that though, so ...
Thinking of getting it recorded... but it still feels strange that you're gone.
I feel like there's something I should have done... presumptious of me to think I could have made a difference where your closest friends couldn't. I guess I just wish I'd tried... something.
Alice and... well, everyone... said that you didn't want help. You wanted to do it yourself... but part of me feels like you'd convinced yourself you were going to die anyway. I find myself wondering if it's what you wanted.
I don't even know how I feel about that... but I really hope you're ok, happy, free... I hope our pain hasn't caught you... or hurt you... we just miss you is all.
I'm sure we'll all get to meet you when we finaly pass ourselves... I hope I do get to meet you... not really sure why... just feel like I should have... or that I was meant to know you...I'm not really sure.
Anyway, I'm gonna go talk to some other people hun.
Hope you're ok xxx

GOD DAMNIT!! I just wanna slam these people into a fucking wall!!

They keep complaining about girl troubles - and i mean... come on... they're barely problems they're complaining about...
I just wanna fucking scream at them!

Don't they realise one of the worlds nicest people has just died??

Damnit - why is it the world becomes so petty when a person you know dies?

Empty again.

It seems like I can cry so hard, laugh till my jaw hurts, but not feel anything properly. All I want to do is cry, and I'm sick of only ever talking about myself.
Not just in this diary... that's what you're supposed to do in a diary... but, in general conversation, it's always "I", "me" blah blah blah, all the time. I don't even realise I'm doing it half the time.
I don't wanna be like that.

I don't understand how I can be missing Will so much either?
It's not like I knew him very well... that guy can really touch people... could really touch people...

Half of me thinks he wanted to stop fighting. I don't know. Guess I never will. Guess no one really will.
It's so different from when Georgina died. That was such a shock, it took forever for the hurt to sink in. With Will having been... the tears were so sudden, and wouldn't stop...
I can tell with his close friends that they're still at that numb point, where you can't mourn, can't accept, can't understand any of it. That point where you keep expecting them to walk in and be ok; like the doctors were wrong, or they meant someone else... it's all just some mix up...
It's so hard to see them going through that, and not be able to help... because nothing does help.

Can't concentrate on this essay to save my life lol.

I think of you and smile
As the tears touch my cheeks.
Their warmth is somehow
comforting, like your touch.
The emptiness isn't really empty,
because your still there,
Still making me smile,
Still making me cry.
You promised to always be there,
And you never brake a promise.
Now you're not just Angel,
You're our gaurdian angel...

I'm considering painting a target on my heart, that way, when people try and break it, they can get it in one clean shot, rather than chipping it away slowly.

If theres a tip I could give to guys it's this:

When a girl walks away, she wants you to follow her. Even if it's just for a hug.

the other thing I'd let guys know is never to take anything I say 100% seriously. I can't physically be that serious. Well I can... but I hardly ever am.
Strike that, I'd like to let EVERYONE know that they should take everything with a pinch of salt.

I need to learn that it's okay to hurt peoples feelings. It's ok to say 'NO - fuck no - hell no - never' to guys; i just can't do it.
Like Matt the other day.
I don't feel anything for him, but I let him hold me, kiss me... let him brush the hair off my cheek, say he loved me, let him run his hands over me. The whole time trying to hold back my repulsion.
But I do - I didn't push him away much, i let him look and touch... the whole time wishing he'd stop, but not having the guts to tell him to go fuck himself. I didn't want to be alone, so I put up with him.
I just lay there and let him climb on top of me (we both were fully clothed before you get the wrong idea - I'm passive, but I'm not THAT passive), let him hold my hands above my head and thrust his tongue in my mouth.
He didn't even care that I wasn't kissing back, or even responding physically.
He just kept telling me he loved me, thought we'd be perfect together, that I was beautiful, that he'd never had a better time with a woman... that he'd make me feel like a real woman again.
To quote my fave film ever (Dogma)...
"The average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes.."
I can honestly say that I have never met (face to face) a real man; though both my brothers come quite close if I'm honest.
Then again, what makes a guy 'a man'. Maybe I expect too much from them. All I know is, Matt is anything but a man.
He's 16 ffs!! what on EARTH makes him think he could make me feel that way?? He's a virgin too - and if you ask me, there's a reason for that.
Now, I am no virgin - sometimes wish I was, but that's not the point. I'm very capable of getting pleasure from a guy, if I want, and more than able to give it.
The ordacity of his narrow minded self importance!!
Purlease! If I wanted to get with someone other than my boyfriend... well, lets just say there's a couple of people I could bunk with... one of whom has been trying to convince me to anyway!
Still, I can't deny I lay there and let him kiss me. Atleast I stopped his hands from roving over my breasts - that I didn't stand for. Kinda ashamed I pulled the punch so much though (yeah, I punched him in the face... but it was only gentle...) I'm not even sure why it mattered so much that he was touching there. It just.... enraged me. To me it was like having your pants pulled down and being touched there...
I'm considering getting either Arron, or Adam... or one of my brothers... to sort him out for me. I don't want him stalking me, thinking he can do that to me.
I was depressed at the time, if I was as mad as I can get at times... I might actualy kill him...

Oh well, enough ranting!!

Blessed be
Lauren xxx

A poem to reinforce my hope of life after love, and heart break. Just finished writing it this minute....


As you look at me, seeing into my soul,
I feel you trace the scars of my heart.
Feel you rage at those who broke me,
Who cut me so deep I thought I'd never heal.

As you touch my cheek, giving me your strength,
I understand how deep your love runs.
I feel my heart beat in time with yours,
Feel you free me from my chains,

Break down my walls, watch my barriers fall.
You help me rise through the drowning flood
Of my tears; the strength your love lends me
Makes me new, makes me part of you.

As your lips brush mine, sparking something deep
Inside, and making me know it's alright
To hurt, to heal, to feel. I wonder if you're real.
Just to know your love is as strong as mine...

oooh shiney!!

*giggles like crazy*

feel like all I do is go round in circles lately.

so I've been messing around, and found this pic of me and chris again. He's my nephew, love him to bits.

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, anxious in their seats
One by one the teacher called a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare,
each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?" she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one," another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mum.
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him I'm not standing here alone.
Because my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart
I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far
you see he was a policeman and died just this past year,
when airplanes hit the towers and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mothers amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy," to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
IF UR NOT CRYING U HAVE NO HEART