I need to write

My mind is spinning and I can't control it. Thoughts are so messed up, so cold, so warm. I've got cold feet, cold heart, warm love.
Where am I though? I don't even know.

I'm sinking, I can feel it, free falling into that dark place I promised myself I'd never go again. The stupid thing is, I feel safe there. Nothing hurts there you see - numbness can be good sometimes.
I can almost see the pit before me, coming closer. It's depths rising to me as I slip and slide down the sides. I'm not clinging to the edge anymore - I know I should, but some how I don't want to.
I'm still close enough to grab the lip of this sink hole, I've still got time to pull myself out - but I always manage to anyway. I don't want to swallow that crap, refuse to be drugged up, refuse to be happy just because other people want it.
I don't want to be happy at the minute. I feel overwhelmed, underloved, unworthy; ugly.
I'm lonely, which is why I turn to Will, and all the others. Pretending love is easier for me than real love. I don't let myself feel anymore, because I always feel the wrong thing.

I feel bad that I've led people on, just because I'm not smart enough to put things how I mean.
I never even know what I mean though.
I mean it! I don't even know what I feel if I'm honest.

Life is this big struggle with me - and I'm the one who makes it that way. I'm surrounded by these wonderfull people, who all care about me, and I can't feel anything for them.

I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to do anything, but I keep reaching out to people. I want to help them. I can't stand myself anymore.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate it all. It just takes so long.
If I could get intouch with my heart again things would be so much simpler.
I know it's stupid to not count on myself, but I'd really like a lover to be able to share this with. I want someone elses burden to carry. I want life to be simple again.

I'm just so confused by myself and the world I live in. I don't know how to seperate what I want, from what other people expect of me. Maybe no one can, but it really matters to me. I want to get it right. I want to know my own mind.
But I have no faith in my own decisions. How can I base my life on things I have no faith in? Thats like an Athiest being a Nun... it makes no sense.

I think my problem is that I was always told I could be anything I wanted, but I wanted so many different things that I got in my head I could be all of them. But I know that I can't be. So I managed to confuse myself.

I'll be honest, I know what I want. I want to sing. Music is the one thing that takes me away. But I know that I wouldn't make it in the music biz. I'm not the right sort of person to make it - but the thing is, I wont change just to 'make it'. I certainly wont change my music just to fit in; okay, I'd love to have a play with a master DJ, re master some of my songs, add some cool backing (rather than just my piano or guitar). The music is part of me, its in my mind, in my heart - I just feel my way through it.

I'm not beautiful enough for that life anyway.

Ugh, I just wanna lie down and let the world pass by. I need to do so much, and cant. That's a lie, I can, I just don't seem to have the drive.

Okay, these stitches are really bugging me now.

Ugh, and I have to go rinse my mouth out with warm salt water again cause I managed to open my mouth far enough to eat some lunch...

JOY!!

Okay, so I was freaking out for no reason - no surprise there!
The tooth came out pretty easy to be honest - I have three stitches where they had to cut my gums... they also cut my tooth in half as far as I'm aware.
They showed me the tooth - it wasn't as big as some... but it was bigger than I thought it would be - after all, I only ever felt the tip of its side...
Now that it's gone, I've got the line of stitches... and then this awesome hole where my tooth used to be.
I think it looks funky, but mum's really mad that I keep showing people - My brother thought it was funny though, so :D

I'm not in as much pain as the othodontist thought I would be, but thats no surprise. I don't really get bothered all that much by physical pain. I've had some pain killers earlier... I think I'm due some more in about an hour actualy... so I'll keep up the meds just to make sure it doesn't get unbarable.
I'm not supposed to eat much today - but I've had some chips, chrisps, chocolate... hehe, I was hungry - what can I say? My Jaw kinda aches... but hey, it's not that serious, so :D

I'm considering going back to school tomorow, just so I can parade the gorey scar before it heals - cause you know by monday it will be barely noticeable. Hell, it's at the back of my mouth, so you can barely see it as is... Maybe I can gross a couple of the guys out in my philosophy class with it though? Pfft, doubt it.
Anyway - I'm not supposed to go in tomorow. Apparently I need rest. I feel great though - my cold is nearly gone, so I'm like "Woooh!"
Besides, I've already missed so much. I ought to do some god damn homework if I'm honest, but I really dont wanna. I like just watching films and stuff.
I've gotta stop tongueing my hole - and not just because it sounds so wrong!
I think I'm making it bleed... but then again, it might just be bleeding on its own.

I'm in a well crazy mood. I've got Armagedon on in the back ground, just because its so effing funny!
And I keep starting my sentances with 'and', which is silly, but that's how I'm thinking at the minute.

Wow, what would you do if you found out exactly when you were gonna die?
Would you be all freaked out, would you carry on as normal, or would you go do some fun, crazy shit??
I think I'd have fun - I mean, there's so much I'd love to do. I'd leave school, deffinately, I'd also write as much of what's in my head as possible. Unless, ofcourse, I found out I had like... 60 odd years left - then I'd just carry on as usual, try and forget. I'd not have to worry about dieing though, would I? I mean, you would know when you were going to die, so you wouldn't have to look both ways, or be like... mega cautious! It would be well cool!

I can see it now though, some little shit head would so change their destiny if you showed it to them - or atleast try to.
Me, I'd be happy about it. I'd be able to do what the hell I wanted. It would just wipe away all those stupid uncertainties...
Plus - you wouldn't be all worried about stupid shit would you? You'd not give two shits about your make up, or if someone had said the wrong thing about you behind your back... because you'd be able to see the big picture.

Woah, I think I'd probably like to know when I'm going to die. But then again, I have a pretty good idea anyway. I know I'm not gonna die too young... but I'm not gonna get past 60 as far as I'm aware. If I live to be 65, I'm gonna just go all out and have the best time ever!
I don't really wanna live past 60 if I'm honest. Then again, I don't wanna work till I'm 65... so it's understandable isn't it?

I'm likely to get osteoporosis (I dont think thats spelt right) since its in the family - I'm probably going to have serious 'female organ' problems (since everyone from my mums side always has), and I'm the sort of person who is likely to get shot, exploded, or crash at some time.

MMMmmmm chocolate.

Okay - so I'm not all that coherent at the moment!

The birds don't seem to be about lately - or atleast they don't seem to not like my 'fat ball' thingy that I've put out for them.

Anyway - I'm going to go get something... I'm not sure what yet - but YArrr matey!

Speak soon darlings - I hope all is well with you

Blessed be!

Lauren xx

I haven't told anyone, but I'm absolutely terrified of tomorow. I remember the pain of having my other tooth pulled, now having to have my wisdom tooth extracted... the thought makes me feel so sick.
It's at about 11am... and I never want that time to come.
I keep telling myself that the sooner its done, the sooner I can stop being afraid of it; but I'm still so scared.
I haven't told anyone, mainly because I've been trying to psyche myself up for this, partly because I don't want to admit that I'm scared.
I don't want to make a fuss - cause that just makes things worse for everyone. Still, I can't stop the tears from coming when think about it.

I'm trying to look on the good side. When this is over, I can say - yeah, I went through with it. I faced my fear - but the whole "facing my fear" thing is still pretty damn daunting.
I keep meaning to tell someone, but I know the reaction I'll get. Either - don't be silly; or 'oh dear, there there, it'll be okay'... I don't want, or need, either of those. I just need someone to listen to my fears, pat me on the back and say, 'good luck'.
So, I've told myself my fears, patted myself on the shoulder (I can't really reach my back properly) and wished me luck. I'm sure everything will be fine. I just have to get through these next 24 hours... then the week of salt water mouth washes and lack of hot or cold food.... then the proding and poking to make sure its all gone....

Oh joy.


Well, there are worse things in this world.
This is just a little bump on the road... I just hope my stomach can stand the jolt.

Wishing you hope, luck, love and prosperity;

Blessed be
Lauren xx

|………..|
|………..| Put this on your
|………..| page if you have
|…….O.| ever pushed a
|………..| door that said pull!
|………..|


Yes, that's right, I'm a sad ass who can't use doors...

I've also tried pulling doors that said push - though I have yet to attempt to slam a revolving door!



Oh, and my new favourite picture for the day:

I feel so icky still - can have some more lemsipness in a mo though, thank the goddess!
I feel like shit.

I haven't done any homework either - which is bad.

Sasha's not spoken to me yet today - hope she's not coming down with this.
Carl seems distant lately - hope he's ok too.

Ugh, burning up again! :'(

I hate this - please, I don't want to be ill any more :(

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-Screeee--eeeee--ee-eeeeech-

Home ill.

So sick of being ill!!

Oh well, I'm sure it means I'll belike.... impervious to colds when I'm older. Hopefully.

*sigh*

Doing knitting at times... I'm that bored yeah.
Oh well...

If I die soon, it will be of boredom.



Love you all
xxLilandrixx

Random story introness... Dunno if it'll end up as the intro, or ending now... but hey...

"

Foamy RULES!!

Gotsta love the Pillzewillzy...

I've had a pretty good day.
So why am I so low again?

It's really strange. It's as if I get home and I get nice and sleepy, and bam - the depression hits.
I can't tell why though. Maybe its my family, or this house. I know I thought it was this place at one point... more likely the negativity that poors out of my parents, and me...

I don't want to see anyone, but I feel the need to be with someone. Maybe Sasha... meh - I don't know.

I'd like to go see Arron... but I know how badly that would go aswell. I can't explain whats wrong. I think its my fault really. I get low, Arron's not around, I look for other people to comfort me. I can't seem to help it, which is bad - I want to have more self control. I don't want to look at other guys and think 'what if'... I don't want to wonder what a relationship with other people could be. I don't want to look at Carl like that, or think of Will in that way... but I do - and it shows. I'm sure it does.
I can't keep makeing the first move though.
If I felt like I was getting something back, something... maybe... maybe's don't matter though.
Everyone says I need to end it with him; and I mean everyone. My dad told me to send him a text saying "Welcome to dumpsvill, population you." It's not me though. I can't do that sort of thing, mostly because I still have feelings for him. I'm not ready to end it I guess.

I'd love to go surprise him today, but it would be just my luck that I'd make plans to go, and he'd be unavaliable. He's always busy. Too busy. Too busy for me atleast.
I just want to be held. Properly I mean... not in that mildly awkward friend way, or that loving family member way... properly, from a lover... that way that makes you feel wanted by someone who has no need to want you... I don't know how it's different, it just is.
I want Arron to hold me and tell me everything will be okay between us. I want to be able to believe him.

I might call him, see if he has plans tonight... then see if I can beg mum to take me there, or pick him up or... or... something.

I know it's silly to be so consumed by this, but it feels like I'm grasping at straws here. It's the fact that in a relationship we're supposed to be there for each other. I need him here for me, and I want to be there for him. I want to know what problems he's got... I want to sit together and just chat.
None of the stupid jokes, none of the Uncles, parents, or friends... just us. Talk about the stuff we've been meaning to say.

I guess I'm lonely.
There's just... something that can't be replaced by friends. No matter how nice, how loving, how sweet... they just don't fill that gap left by a lover.
Hmm, love...
I'm still undecided as to whether I love Arron... or if I can love him. He's not what I want... but what I want I've never found.
Well... maybe I have...

I have to go though. Stop rambling about rubbish. None of it really matters in the scheme of things; though I can see it means a lot to me.

So, I'll go do some homework, call my 'bf', and try to cheer up (little emo fish) xxx

Love you all
Lauren xxx

Korn...

Now, imagine you've never heard or seen this band. What is your first thought?

"God these people can't spell...."

"Who wants to listen to corn anyway?"

"What kind of hillbilly sings about corn, and can't spell ... ?"


Not really the effect they were going for I assume.


Though, as one of the dirtier minded of my friends has pointed out, "P and K are kind of close on the keyboard."

Still not what the band meant - I'm sure.

Low again.

Not on here much... forgive me.

Refusing to take my medication.

Lonely. Always lonely.

Angel - dedicated to William, our Angel

Been through silence, been through tears;
Always wishing you were here.
We're all missing you my dear;
Though you've left us, we know you're still here.

And though we may stay up all night,
Seeking comfort from the light,
We know everythings really alright...
Though you've left use, we know you're here

Angel,
Our sweet angel
You're an angel, my friend
And you know we're missing you
Angel,
You're our angel
You're with angels now...
Forever in our hearts Angel...

I thank God that you're not in pain.
Or being slowly driven insane;
And maybe we'll see you again
Forever in our hearts...

Angel,
Our sweet angel
You're an angel, my friend
And you know we're missing you...
Angel,
You're our angel
Yes you're with angels now...
Forever in our hearts Angel

Been through silence, been through tears;
'Cause we're wishing you were here....

We still stay up late at night,
Gazing softly at the light,
Hoping you're here by our sides...

Oh Angel,
Our sweet Angel,
You're an angel, my friend,
And you know we're missing you
Angel.
You're our angel,
Yes you're with angels now...
Forever in our hearts angel...

I wish I could honestly say I know what love is.. but I really don't.
I use the word, and feel... so much... but - I just don't know what love is.
Is it lust and trust and all that? Or is it wanting to spend your life with someone?
Is it wanting someone despite their imperfections... or because of them?

I'm ending with Arron... just have to speak to him... and have the guts to let him hurt.
Thats one of my problems, I hate hurting people.
But it really does not work between us.
Plus... there's kinda someone else...

I don't know how to handle relationships. Thats always been one of my problems.
I know how to give someone love, and (now) how to detect when I'm not getting it back... but... what do I really know about love? Or relationships?

*bah, i give up*

Wrote you a song today Will.
I didn't mean for it to come out so corny and sad sounding. My music is always like that though, so ...
Thinking of getting it recorded... but it still feels strange that you're gone.
I feel like there's something I should have done... presumptious of me to think I could have made a difference where your closest friends couldn't. I guess I just wish I'd tried... something.
Alice and... well, everyone... said that you didn't want help. You wanted to do it yourself... but part of me feels like you'd convinced yourself you were going to die anyway. I find myself wondering if it's what you wanted.
I don't even know how I feel about that... but I really hope you're ok, happy, free... I hope our pain hasn't caught you... or hurt you... we just miss you is all.
I'm sure we'll all get to meet you when we finaly pass ourselves... I hope I do get to meet you... not really sure why... just feel like I should have... or that I was meant to know you...I'm not really sure.
Anyway, I'm gonna go talk to some other people hun.
Hope you're ok xxx

GOD DAMNIT!! I just wanna slam these people into a fucking wall!!

They keep complaining about girl troubles - and i mean... come on... they're barely problems they're complaining about...
I just wanna fucking scream at them!

Don't they realise one of the worlds nicest people has just died??

Damnit - why is it the world becomes so petty when a person you know dies?