Ok, so I'm like... dieing of boredom right now.
I need a break from being bored... and I was supposed to do my homework tonight... and I still haven't yet.
I suck!

I want to go to sleep... but I need to do coursework, and have a shower... and grr... all I wanna do is go see TJ or Luke or someone...

Lookin forward to next tuesday... should be good.

I'm lonely all the time lately though.
I may copy out my note actualy - with an extra bit saying "not actually gonna happen, don't worry" or something.
I was just really down is all... still kinda am.
Need a snuggle or something.

I can almost feel myself fading away again. I just wanna cling onto someone or something and go "No! I don't wanna go yet"

Anyway... enough shit, I'm going upstairs for a bit...

Someone's just logged in whose name is "Even heaven is hell without you", and it's got me thinking.

Is heaven some place where god is... and loads of clouds et cetera? Or is it that place where you feel the greatest?
For me, heaven is in his arms.
That's where I'm safe, that's where I feel the happiest, that's where I belong.

I can't really imagine a 'heaven' though, because I can't imagine liking a Utopia. I like that life is a bit fucked up, it makes it interesting, challenging.
I mean, would anything be worth the fight if you didn't have to fight for it?
I say that I would die for my friends (and though it's not always true, I know that if things came to it, I would die for some of my friends), and that shows how much I care for them; but if you never have to die for someone, is it really worth saying it?

On the idea of 'heaven in your arms', is it really a good idea to place all your hope, and love, and happiness on one person?
You have to really be able to trust them, and hope like hell that they can stand up to your expectations, and needs.

I hope I find someone like that in the end...

xx Blessed be xx
Lauren xx

I fall inlove too easily.

That's my theory atleast.

I might be getting a car...

And by might, I mean, we're checking the insurance on monday... then I'm probably getting the damn thing!

I know I've always wanted a bike instead, but to have my own set of wheels...
We could all just jump in and go places.
I could run TJ over to Kat's house and stuff.

Ok, I know I have to pass my test first and shit, but christ! I never thought all this would happen at once.
I seem to have hit this upwards curve that just effin ROCKS!

Luke, the car... ok, that's all I can think of right now... but still! They're bloomin major.
It feels like I just freed up my good karma or something, and it's all going - yeah, Lauren deserves something in reward for that shit... lets give her a car... and let her meet an awesome guy that's really really nice, and sweet, and loving.

What ever the hell is going on, I like it. I like it alot!
I don't care if things don't get better after this point, as long as they don't get worse, I'm soo happy!

I mean, I know it means going through my test, and that's god damn expensive and everything... and I know it's gonna put a bit of a strain on the budget, cause cars always do... but hey! Give it a few months, maybe more, and I could have my licence, a car, and a load of great mates to go places with!

I'm so not gonna use it to go to school tho - unless I'm like, majorly late or something. I don't want a car for that reason. I want it for DISTANCE traveling. Like to go to skeggy for no reason, or just go for a drive.

It's just a corsa, so the acceleration isn't going to be all that great... but hey! I can get it in tune. All I have to do is get dad (and maybe some mates) to help me out with how things work. Get a decent stereo in there (the speakers in the back are OK... not brill, but a starting point), tweek the engine a bit, sort the steering colum out so it's a little higher, sort out a couple of patches on the body work that might start rusting, give it a flush out - new oil, new anti-freeze, new water et cetera... okay, so it's not a BRILLIANT car, but it's insurance is pretty affordable. group 3! woo!

I'm well stoked. I really hope Melli doesn't sell it before we get an insurance quote, cause that would suck.
Maybe mum and dad will pay the insurance this year as a birthday/christmas prezzie ... I know that the car is gonna be a christmas/birthday present off grandad. It's probably only a few hundred quid, since he said it had come up at the right price... but still - thats a few hundred quid more than I really deserve to be spent on me.

I'm still thrilled by just the idea though!
I mean, me? Own something that big? Own something of my own that isn't in my parents house?
It's not a bike, but it's still transportation, and I can take my friends too... that's the way I'm looking at it.
I wanted the bike mostly because I'd be able to be on my own, even as a learner... but that's just as good as a pumping stereo, my best mates... and a bit of privacy in the back seat maybe ... hehe!

I just wanna go see some one and jump up and down, and tell them all about the cute little thing!
I'm so not normaly this happy!

EEEeee!! I can see this setting me up for a job and stuff too! It's not that big a deal having to work a bit further away if you can drive there... and well... I dunno, it just seems like ... wow!

It's kinda silly getting all excited about a car that I MIGHT be getting... and not thinking about just how much it's going to cost.... but it's just sooo... woo!
I know I have to then pay for lessons, and practice, and... but none of that matters, because it's just such an unexpected gift!
Dad and I were talking about leathers, and boots, and a helmet... and I was going to ask people for that sort of thing as combined birthday and christmas presents... but this is... this is just so unexpected!
When I got home yesterday and mum was like "Grandad came up to see you today... he wants to know if you'd like a car?" I was like - WHAT?... a car...? Seriously?
He took me to have a look today, and it is really quite tidy. Corsa LS 1.2... manual, so you get more control, new brake pads... The wheels are kinda naff, they've got no rims on, and the grips faded. Could do with a clean over too, and maybe a new drivers seat... bloomin heck, I'm already planing it's repairs, and I've not got it yet!

I can't wait to get through my test now!

How silly is that? I haven't wanted to even take my driving test before, now I really want to asap!

Feeling so great! WOO!!

*dances*

Blessed be!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Lauren xxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm asleep really... this is just in your head... I'm not really here, or really typing... its all just in your head.

God, I'm really falling for him!

I get butterflies just thinking about him... I can't sleep because I'm not in his arms, and when I do sleep, I dream about him.

This is major bad!

I can't like someone this much - it'll crush me. I know it will.
I'm not a good judge of character, I thought the world of Arron, but I shouldn't have... I'm not ready for a relationship, but I can't help these feelings I have for Luke either.

What am I gonna do?

*sigh*
Play it by ear Lauren, you always do

gosh, I'm so fluttery... cause I think he likes me too... and I really like him... really really like him.

Goddess, why can't things be simpler?

Song scribbles:

Sorry guys, this is where I'm scribbling today.

Well I had a dream about you last night
Wonder if you wanted me to
You were holding onto me so tight
Now wouldn't that be cool?
Well I thought about you again today
I hope you didn't mind
I got that stupid song in my head
The one we sang last night
Well I heard that you were going steady
With the girl next door
I kinda wish it was a story
'Cause my mans a bore

And if we spent the summer together
That would be so cool
Yeah and, I think we should get together
just me and you

Well I had a dream about you last night
I hope that you don't mind
And I'd like to see you again some time
Can't get you off my mind



doooody

V
GDEC
GDC
x2

C
CGDC
CGDG

Last night was pretty cool, except I was like... falling asleep in TJ's bed. But Luke was hugging me, and hugs + comfyness always results in me falling asleep. I was tired anyway - so was TJ. He gets kinda moody when he's tired, but I feel like there's something more to it. Maybe that's just me projecting my feelings.
We had such a giggle though.
Like when me and Kat lay on the bed force feeding Luke crisps.
Or when Kat and TJ were kissing during the movie and we ended up throwing packs of crisps at them.
Or the foam... that was funny too...
'SPLAT!' hehe
"Oh damn, sorry TJ, I just squirted all on your curtains!"

I'm still asleep to be honest.

Not to mention I need to stop wanting to kiss Luke. That's just gotta stop.
I mean... do I even know him?... nuh-uh!
Oh well, nevermind.

I can't believe how comfy I was with them last night. Maybe them pills is helping, or maybe it's the fact that they're really nice.

Oh - my - god. My mouth feels sooo much better now! I can't believe those stitches were hurting that bad!
It's still got a little bit of swelling, but not realy any pain- which ROCKS!

Feeling so much better.
Skipping school cause I can't be arsed with it. I'll start some of my essays and stuff later.

Lolly out xx

I got my stitches out!!

WOOOO!!!  sooo much more comfy!

It rocks being able to not feel pain :)

*does a little dance*

Blessed be!
Lauren xxx

i really need to go to sleep...

but for some reason I can't


there's someone I wanna talk to, but I don't know who it is...

oooh, you just know I'm dieing to try out the stylesheet thing... even though I don't really know what it means

Ok - time to put a stop to this spiral.
I've taken some fluoxitine... I'm actualy doubling up doses (since I'm only on 20mg) so that it has some kind of effect.

I think Im ready to get better now.

I just hate taking tablets... I feel like I can't control myself if I have to have happy pills.
Nevermind, all that matters is that I get better now.
I want to be able to function right. Yes, you heard me right, I actualy know something I want for once, instead of just what I don't want.

Time to turn over this leaf and cheer up.
No, that's wrong, I don't need to cheer up, I just need to stop falling at the moment.
First step - stop getting worse
Second step - start getting better
Third step - start over with the whole 'life' thing

Yeah, I wanna change my life. I don't want to be this me anymore, I want to be the real me instead. The real me is kinda cool, and I like her :)

No more messing around, I'm telling Arron how I feel. I want an open relationship instead of this... failing thing.
I want to hang out with my mates more - living in my room is boring.
I think I'm gonna start saving up after the new year, for my bike, and the test, and the gear, and the insurance.
I think if I get enough for the test and my gear, I'll go for the test... then start looking for a decent bike.

I'm really ready for life... I'm just not quite sure which way to go about it.
I'll figure a way though.

Blessed be
All my love
Lauren xx

Did you have to wink at me?
Goddess, how can you be so cruel as to rekindle those feelings??
You see, and know, just how much it meant to me... you being my first... and you never told anyone either. You keep it safe... like I know I always am with you.
I see you with her and I feel so alone, wishing that my guy would love me that much; wishing he'd do so much for his girl, wishing he were you.
I can't explain what I feel for you, but it's a remenant of love and desire.
I could stay in your arms forever, whisper with you, watch films with you... stay up all night with you; because with you I'm safe; with you I don't have to hide, or pretend... except about this.
Is it love? I don't know... I just know that his inadequacy, and your brotherly love, make me feel like I was right first time, I was right with you.
I'm not so selfish as to tell you though - you're happy with her, and I'll find someone... someday... I hope.
I suppose you never really get over your first love. First boyfriend, or girlfriend, sure... but not your first love.
That relationship forever flavours all your others, that love becomes the one you hold all others up to. I'm not your one though, I can see that.

I wanted us to be together, I wanted it to mean something; but instead it taught me a lesson - just because you, and other people around you, think you should be with someone... it doesn't mean a thing unless they feel the same about you.
Simmilarly, it doesn't matter if everyone is against it, if you love someone, and they love you, it's the right thing to do. Love comes first.

Sex is a biproduct of love, if you ask me.
It's not something to have without any feelings - that's just not for me. Making love... you should do that with someone you love.

I'd do anything for you... not that you realise it... and that's how I know I still love you. I could be on a date, and if you needed me, I'd come.
I can't not want you... it's not in me. But I stay satisfied that you atleast like me - that you are like my brother, and that love is still strong between us. It's just had to change is all.

Maybe ... maybe one day you'll realise I'm still here, waiting,and she'll turn you away...
Still, I can't like her. She has you, and you are all I want. How could I like her? I'm probably jealous... but I'm more sad.
I can't fight for you... because you wont fight for me, you wont change your mind if I fight, I'll just lose you forever.

And so my heart aches again; over you.
My all consuming heart has lost you, and so must catch onto something else, or colapse inwards.
I welcome the darkness

I'm in one of those moods where everything is just really really funny!

I know it's because I'm tired, and it's cold, and I'm in pain... but that really doesn't matter - cause that's really funny too!!

I've got this giggle trapped between my ribs that just doesn't want to budge.


And I've just realised - some very strange people have given me cool points... wow - aren't they nice?

I've never given a cool point - I hardly ever notice that people have them unless the number is about 3 digits long... numbers get my attention if they're bigger than 99

WOOO!!!

I have a nose!!
:O and you do too!!

BRING ON THE GIGGLE FIT!!!

I miss you...

Decided to put this in... dunno why - it's a graphic novel type that I wrote a while ago. It was - at the time - my perfect idea of sex. Well here goes...




Lovin’
(Carla and Regan)

They couldn’t take their eyes off each other.
”Well, this is me.” Carla was stood outside a small house with Regan.
They were stood mere inches apart, staring into each others eyes. Carla bit her lip unconsciously. Tonight had been wonderful. Just a night at the cinema with their friends, but when he’d offered to walk her home he’d made her night. Regan hadn’t just come out of his way for no reason. He couldn’t help himself liking Carla.
Leaning just that little closer, their lips touched; their arms snaking around one another’s back.
It was as if a firework had gone off. Regan closed his eyes first, soon followed by Carla. There was a heat, a need, to their kiss.
Breaking apart slowly, they looked at each other again, smiling.
She took his hand, leading him up her path. There was something in the air, she was sure of it. Why else would she be feeling this way?
His heart was racing, his mind spinning. So was hers.
Opening the door, Carla pulled an unresisting Regan inside. He caught the door, closing it behind them instinctively.
It wasn’t long before they were kissing again. More passionately this time; tongues flicking between them; touching, intensifying the caress.
A deep desire was raging within them both, urging hands to rove, to linger on curves, slipping under tops.
That touch, his hand on her bare waist, was enough to ignite a fire between her legs. She was drowning in the need for him.
Her hand slipped up his top, sending burning shivers through his body. His breathing was becoming shallow as he pushed her gently against the wall, pushing up her top.
She didn’t resist him. In fact, she was too busy pulling up his top too. They needed to feel skin against skin. Breaking contact for a moment, as their tops were tossed carelessly to the ground, only intensified their growing yearn for intimacy.
Both of them knew this was wrong. She was going out with his best friend, he was dating her sister, but none of that mattered. All that mattered was that they were together now.
His mouth caught hers again, almost desperately. Her hands gripping his waist, pulling him close he wrapped his own around her protectively, his hands slipping up and down her back, undoing her bra without noticing.
Carla was pushing down his jeans, still lost in their tongue tied kiss. As her bra dropped to the floor, so too did her trousers begin to fall.
His mind was screaming at him to stop. That he couldn’t feel this way about his girlfriend’s sister. It was no use. As she touched his back, his jeans falling to his feet, it was as if a flame in his chest were trying to break free and leap into her. Nothing existed except him, her, and this moment.
Her mind was going blank as her naked body pressed against him, her back resting against the wall. His mouth was on her neck now, making her melt with his fire. Running kisses down her neck and chest left a blazing trail.
Her head tipped back as a moan of pleasure left her lips, driving Regan wild.
He lifted her up, his hands on her waist, holding her close. Her legs wrapped around him instinctively as they moved away from the wall. Lying her down on the couch, her arms and legs pulled him down on top of her.
Her legs slipped down his sensually, his lips coming up to touch hers again. He pushed them open with his own, their tongues touching, slipping into each others mouth, massaging one another.
She gasped as he entered her.
“Regan” she called softly, unable to stop herself “Oh, Regan”
“Carla…” he whispered against her lips as he slipped gently in and out of her.
Carla my love… he thought, passion taking over, his love pouring into her.
Her pleasure was unbearable; yet still they weren’t close enough. Her hands pulled at his shoulders, bringing him closer until there was no telling where one of them ended and the other began.
They moved as one, faster and faster, until a stillness came over them both; content to lie there, holding onto each other as if they could never let go.
Wow. She sighed to herself.



Yeah, so... thats a little taster of my mind about a year or two ago. Love was something I found to be irresistable, forbiden... and in a way, it still is.
No wonder sex was such a disapointment.

I'm worth exactly $2,032,854

wow... thats demeaning...

Converted to pounds thats like...

£985,258 ...

I'm not even worth £1m ... geee... great...

It's just some pics I threw together on adobe... *shrugs* I like it... sorta...
It's just some of the images that come to mind when I think of Will, so yeah..

I need to write

My mind is spinning and I can't control it. Thoughts are so messed up, so cold, so warm. I've got cold feet, cold heart, warm love.
Where am I though? I don't even know.

I'm sinking, I can feel it, free falling into that dark place I promised myself I'd never go again. The stupid thing is, I feel safe there. Nothing hurts there you see - numbness can be good sometimes.
I can almost see the pit before me, coming closer. It's depths rising to me as I slip and slide down the sides. I'm not clinging to the edge anymore - I know I should, but some how I don't want to.
I'm still close enough to grab the lip of this sink hole, I've still got time to pull myself out - but I always manage to anyway. I don't want to swallow that crap, refuse to be drugged up, refuse to be happy just because other people want it.
I don't want to be happy at the minute. I feel overwhelmed, underloved, unworthy; ugly.
I'm lonely, which is why I turn to Will, and all the others. Pretending love is easier for me than real love. I don't let myself feel anymore, because I always feel the wrong thing.

I feel bad that I've led people on, just because I'm not smart enough to put things how I mean.
I never even know what I mean though.
I mean it! I don't even know what I feel if I'm honest.

Life is this big struggle with me - and I'm the one who makes it that way. I'm surrounded by these wonderfull people, who all care about me, and I can't feel anything for them.

I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to do anything, but I keep reaching out to people. I want to help them. I can't stand myself anymore.

Maybe it's time to re-evaluate it all. It just takes so long.
If I could get intouch with my heart again things would be so much simpler.
I know it's stupid to not count on myself, but I'd really like a lover to be able to share this with. I want someone elses burden to carry. I want life to be simple again.

I'm just so confused by myself and the world I live in. I don't know how to seperate what I want, from what other people expect of me. Maybe no one can, but it really matters to me. I want to get it right. I want to know my own mind.
But I have no faith in my own decisions. How can I base my life on things I have no faith in? Thats like an Athiest being a Nun... it makes no sense.

I think my problem is that I was always told I could be anything I wanted, but I wanted so many different things that I got in my head I could be all of them. But I know that I can't be. So I managed to confuse myself.

I'll be honest, I know what I want. I want to sing. Music is the one thing that takes me away. But I know that I wouldn't make it in the music biz. I'm not the right sort of person to make it - but the thing is, I wont change just to 'make it'. I certainly wont change my music just to fit in; okay, I'd love to have a play with a master DJ, re master some of my songs, add some cool backing (rather than just my piano or guitar). The music is part of me, its in my mind, in my heart - I just feel my way through it.

I'm not beautiful enough for that life anyway.

Ugh, I just wanna lie down and let the world pass by. I need to do so much, and cant. That's a lie, I can, I just don't seem to have the drive.

Okay, these stitches are really bugging me now.

Ugh, and I have to go rinse my mouth out with warm salt water again cause I managed to open my mouth far enough to eat some lunch...

JOY!!

Okay, so I was freaking out for no reason - no surprise there!
The tooth came out pretty easy to be honest - I have three stitches where they had to cut my gums... they also cut my tooth in half as far as I'm aware.
They showed me the tooth - it wasn't as big as some... but it was bigger than I thought it would be - after all, I only ever felt the tip of its side...
Now that it's gone, I've got the line of stitches... and then this awesome hole where my tooth used to be.
I think it looks funky, but mum's really mad that I keep showing people - My brother thought it was funny though, so :D

I'm not in as much pain as the othodontist thought I would be, but thats no surprise. I don't really get bothered all that much by physical pain. I've had some pain killers earlier... I think I'm due some more in about an hour actualy... so I'll keep up the meds just to make sure it doesn't get unbarable.
I'm not supposed to eat much today - but I've had some chips, chrisps, chocolate... hehe, I was hungry - what can I say? My Jaw kinda aches... but hey, it's not that serious, so :D

I'm considering going back to school tomorow, just so I can parade the gorey scar before it heals - cause you know by monday it will be barely noticeable. Hell, it's at the back of my mouth, so you can barely see it as is... Maybe I can gross a couple of the guys out in my philosophy class with it though? Pfft, doubt it.
Anyway - I'm not supposed to go in tomorow. Apparently I need rest. I feel great though - my cold is nearly gone, so I'm like "Woooh!"
Besides, I've already missed so much. I ought to do some god damn homework if I'm honest, but I really dont wanna. I like just watching films and stuff.
I've gotta stop tongueing my hole - and not just because it sounds so wrong!
I think I'm making it bleed... but then again, it might just be bleeding on its own.

I'm in a well crazy mood. I've got Armagedon on in the back ground, just because its so effing funny!
And I keep starting my sentances with 'and', which is silly, but that's how I'm thinking at the minute.

Wow, what would you do if you found out exactly when you were gonna die?
Would you be all freaked out, would you carry on as normal, or would you go do some fun, crazy shit??
I think I'd have fun - I mean, there's so much I'd love to do. I'd leave school, deffinately, I'd also write as much of what's in my head as possible. Unless, ofcourse, I found out I had like... 60 odd years left - then I'd just carry on as usual, try and forget. I'd not have to worry about dieing though, would I? I mean, you would know when you were going to die, so you wouldn't have to look both ways, or be like... mega cautious! It would be well cool!

I can see it now though, some little shit head would so change their destiny if you showed it to them - or atleast try to.
Me, I'd be happy about it. I'd be able to do what the hell I wanted. It would just wipe away all those stupid uncertainties...
Plus - you wouldn't be all worried about stupid shit would you? You'd not give two shits about your make up, or if someone had said the wrong thing about you behind your back... because you'd be able to see the big picture.

Woah, I think I'd probably like to know when I'm going to die. But then again, I have a pretty good idea anyway. I know I'm not gonna die too young... but I'm not gonna get past 60 as far as I'm aware. If I live to be 65, I'm gonna just go all out and have the best time ever!
I don't really wanna live past 60 if I'm honest. Then again, I don't wanna work till I'm 65... so it's understandable isn't it?

I'm likely to get osteoporosis (I dont think thats spelt right) since its in the family - I'm probably going to have serious 'female organ' problems (since everyone from my mums side always has), and I'm the sort of person who is likely to get shot, exploded, or crash at some time.

MMMmmmm chocolate.

Okay - so I'm not all that coherent at the moment!

The birds don't seem to be about lately - or atleast they don't seem to not like my 'fat ball' thingy that I've put out for them.

Anyway - I'm going to go get something... I'm not sure what yet - but YArrr matey!

Speak soon darlings - I hope all is well with you

Blessed be!

Lauren xx