Bah, had another dip the other day - so I haven't really been on here much. Haven't done much really - probably not the best thing since I've 3 peices of coursework to be doing. Meh.
My mate asked me to define the word 'meh' for her. I said just 'Wih' - but it's got me thinking. My definition of the word 'meh' would be a sigh of sorts which includes the idea of 'I don't know' and also 'I don't care'. There you go Niz - a deffinition of 'meh'. I should make a dictionary of the words I use. Like, "Di phweginai pri dious tchentay" (pronounced dee f-weg-en-ay pree d-yoi-s chen-tay) is just a curse I use - like ffs, or damnit. But it sounds better. meep.
(Btw, meep means just 'i dont know' and is the sound of a whimper/shrug. just so you know)
Anyway - I'm supposed to be tidying my room - so I'm going to get back to that. I've an exert of 'a wandering diary' for you, but I'll copy that out in a bit. Luv ya'll
Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxxxx
bah - tooth ache sucks. It gave me such a bad headache today I got to go home early to take pain killers. *sigh* too much to do, not enough time for me to just chill anymore. I have to phone Kiran aswell, me and Rachel have a concert tomorow - at the same time as the movie we're supposed to be seeing with Kiran... uh oh lol. I'm sure she'll forgive us.
I'm so tired right now. I need to sleep off this headache, but I know I wont be in bed till late, mostly because Will's online. Correction, Will just logged off - fine, I no longer have any friends who I can talk to... bah. Note my new phrase - "bah". Not to be confused with the pronunciation 'baa' hehe. I was so hyper all of today - I've been bouncing and stuff - wonder what's up with me? I think I'm just hyper because I spoke to Will last night and he's being realy nice now we're not going out. I wish he'd been like this when we were together - but hey!
Thinking about trying to find Arron at some point, see if he's okay - think I'm okay to do that now, without loosing my senses or anything. Miss him, but not so much now - I'm functional now.
ARGH! I'm so hungry, but eating cains sooo bad. This is torture. I'm going to drink some hot chocolate - I refuse to go back to eating soup - I had waaay too much of that when I was ill. I refuse to be ill again - ever. Okay - so that's going to be hard BUT!!! - I'll manage it, honest.
Been carrying some of my smaller gems around with me lately, and it seems to be keeping me calm and happy. So nice to always just have that little connections to magick with me - even if it's a tentative one. Chloe is still paranoid that I'm casting a spell when I play with my gems - I wont go into details of how you have to cast a circle and do lots of preperation before you cast a spell, let alone a Hex - which I seriously am NOT capable of yet! I'm nowhere near able enough to cast a strong circle, let alone a spell - but I'm not going to let THEM know that. It's always nice to be able to tell people you cast a spell on something to give them luck, or... well... anything like that. Used to do it all the time for AS and GCSE's. I know it's not fair to lie to people, but it helps, so you know? why not!
Meh, I'm off to put my phone on charge and make a few calls on the land line. Love ya's
Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxx
AHHH!! The competition is tomorow and I've still not written my closing speach - Jeeze, do I leave it till last minute or what???
Talked to my brother last night - it was great, he's realy surportive of my music idea - want's to help as much as possible :D Thats my CD cover taken care of hehehe.
I can't get enought of Three Days Grace!
God I just want to cry, and cry, and cry.
I just watched grey's anatomy, and several of the main characters nearly died (infact, the hospital nearly blew up) and now all I can think is 'I don't want to die'.
I realy don't. And I keep thinking how the other night thats all I wanted to do, and I'm so... I can't explain it. I'm so scared. It's as if I was in a dark room, starved of light, and did things that scare me, but they seemed like the only thing to do - and suddenly this light flicks on, and I see the truth of what happened, and what could have happened - and I'm so scared.
I need to do my Coursework!!
So why the hell can't I do it?? bah - I give up. I don't care if it's in for tommorow morning. I've not had time. I'm more concerned about my closing speaches.
SHIT!! thats only in 2 days aswell. ***SOOO NERVOUS***
I will not Die
I will survive
Okay, I'll stop singing Three Days Grace (oneday haha). Those lyrics remind me of one of my own songs. It went something like:
I wont cry out for help
I'll do it by myself
I'll do it just let me try
I wont die
I wont sigh
I wont cry
I'll be alright
I'll be alright
Made that up on my way home one day - never really got fully developed. Maybe I'll write some verses for that actually.
My newest one is called 'Understand' - though it sounds like it should be called 'Alone' (because every verse starts with the refrain 'alone'), but yeh, I wanna get that recorded soon so that I can start sending my music out. So watch this space people! hehehehe.
I've noticed, most of my songs are severly depressing. 'Morning Song' is the only one that was ever... up beat. Its about how everything seems better in the morning, and that if you just wait until morning, everything will be fine. Still not exactly 'happy' but oh well.
I was singing Bette Midlar's 'Rose' today in the music room (The accoustics are great! Shame the piano's crap) and I was just... singing... and I could here people walking into Harroby House (where the music room IS) and asking each other "Who is that??" - well, unless they had any idea who I am... if they did they were like - "Is Lauren on that Fucking piano again!?!" hehehehe
Sooo much fun.
Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
I love three days grace. Not only is their music amazing, their lyrics mean so much to me.
Why is it always one fight after another with them?? I'm so angry and upset at the moment. All my parents seem to do is argue about something or another - and if I happen to say anything my head gets bitten off. Sometimes I swear they yell at me just because they're bored of having a go at each other. Sometimes I wish they'd just get divorced or something. I can't take their crap. It's driving me insane.
I have so much work to do, and yet when I get home, I can't do it, because I'm guilted into doing something else - or I get distracted by something I love doing. I need to move out. Soon
Jeeze, I need to learn how to concentrate. I just can't do it at the moment! It's driving me nuts - I sit down to do something and all I can do is either stare blankly at the page, or write lyrics.
Might be a good thing that I'm going into music - well, in my own little way. It's the only thing I realy want to do, apparently I'm pretty good - though I can always pick the holes in it. I don't personaly think I'm anything special, but, then, thinking about my self esteem issues, I might be wrong. Fingers crossed. Oh well, off to stare at more pages of lines that I can't fill. Joy.
well - i guess i manged to take more crap than i thought i ever could, because i'm still here.
Thats down to Will. Thanks to him i'm still here, not on my bedroom floor letting myself stop breathing.
Now if some one said that to me before - I would have been like - you can't stop breathing - it's not possible. I wouldn't say that anymore. I swear, it was like the will to live had just... gone. I was already dead inside, so there was no reason to keep breathing. Everything had stopped hurting, I'd stopped making sense, and I didn't care. I was so mad at Will when he made me explain, because it made me have to think, have to feel again. I cried for so long and so hard it gave me such a bad headache, but now i'm okay. I think. He got me through it... I'm still not sure how, but he did. It's so weird, I was trying to phase him out of my life, and he's the one who ends up keeping me alive. I'm not sure how I feel anmore - but I've stopped lieing to myself. I'd pushed all that pain away, pretended it wasn't mine, and it just got so much.
There's a memorial to George, and I used to always smile when I saw it, because it was like seeing a person, and seeing how loved they were - but today I had to wipe away my tears as I walked past, because it still hurts. I hadn't let myself feel that for so long, it surprised me.
I'm not saying that I'm back in the game yet. I'm not fully okay - not by far - but I'm ready now to get through it. I'm ready to try again.
It's strange, the other day I was thinking 'I'm ready - I don't know what for, but I'm ready for what ever it is'. I think last night was it. Now is my time to start again - try again. I'll let you know if I make it.
x Lauren Sophia x
I've had the worst day. I just wanna lie down and cry. I don't want to be doing any of the stuff I am doing - how rubbish is that?
I don't like school - I can't be bothered to do my work - and... I just don't think I can handle the work load on top of this virus and everybody being annoyed at me cause I don't wanna do the stuff I'm 'meant to'. I'm so sore inside and out. I dunno how much of this I can take.
I keep thinking alot about death. I don't know why. I was thinking today how rediculous it would be for a religious person to speak at my funeral - what would they say??
"Lauren was a very good christian at heart... the fact she didn't believe in God, or Christ, or any of the bible didn't stop her being a good christian, and I know she is in heaven somewhere..." Bollocks! It's just so annoying - you don't go anywhere when you die (well - you're body goes into the ground I guess, or through an incinerator) you don't go to heaven, or hell, you just stop. It's not something to be scared of. When I die, I'm donating my organs then letting my family / loved ones decide what to do with whats left of me - it wont exactly effect me, will it? I'm not going to feel it or anything. Funeral's and that stuff isn't for the person who's died, it's for the people left behind. Maybe that sounds pesimistic to you - but it's realy how I feel.
I hope no one is upset when I die - I'll have had my time, I'll have had my time with them. Memories are all we are in the end anyway, so why cry about what we can't have anymore when we can smile about the stuff we had, the stuff we did, and the people we did them with. I know it hurts to loose some one - I've lost enough of them to understand that - but it's like .. I duno .. at their funerals, you look at that coffin, and - they're just not in there... it's not them, it's just an empty shell.
I remember when we were stood outside the church at Georgie's funeral, and I was thinking 'I can't believe they're going to put that amazing person in the ground, where it's dark and cold...' and then this breeze just pulled at my hair (Just like when she'd pull my hair as she walked past) and I realised, they aren't putting her in the ground, they're putting a shell there. A beautifull empty shell; and I looked up at the sky and just... felt at peace - Like saying goodbye.
I realy like the Gia theory. The earth energy calling you and you're experiences back to it and growing. Makes sense - but I don't mind if it's not real. I don't mind if that wind was just wind, because it's how it made me feel that counts - and it made me feel whole again.
I just... don't want people to hurt when I'm gone (and I don't intend that to be too soon in the future, don't worry). I want people to think 'that's a shame' but not hurt. Any way, I'm gonna go help mum with the vegetables, catchya in a bit.
Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxxxx
My friend TJ has just told me that he's going to come to my all girls school to become a male prostitute in the girls shower room. I'm scared! He also told me he wants to have sex with 3 lesbians (all at once) and is telling me right now to ask if anyone wants to help?
Grrr Im so sick of not having a mouse. Well, I have a mouse - it just doesn't fuckin WORK! which makes clicking on things rather difficult... sorry about any spelling mistakes, I'm tired so I'm typing with my eyes closed... laid down... on a pillow, with a quilt over me.... SOOO nice! Yeh - so, I'm kinda sleepy as I'm sure you can tell. I found out last night that I can type without thinking about it, which is kinda funky! so, yeh, not bothering to stay awake while I write my diary :P
I'm listening to Three Days Grace at the mo - they rock so hard!! Love it! aaanway - I'm also kinda knackered because I was handing out car stickers from about 10 ocklock this morning. Dunno why my energy is still so low - I've ginished the antibiotics... hmm, not sure. I'm deffinatly not up to 100% yet... but I will be soon - I hope.
I feel really... ready. Dunno why, or what for - it's just this feeling I'm getting. Odd or what? hehe.
"I could be mean - I could be angry, you know I could be just like you!" (love this song - sorry)
Well I suppose I'll go to sleep now, love ya!
Sophia
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
(3rd times a charm - I keep being logged out *sigh*)
I went back to school today. I felt so wanted. The first people I saw today were like 'OMIGOSH it's you!'. I've had so many hugs today, and so many people gratefull that I'm back. I don't think anyone realised just how much that meant to me.
I was almost sick in the loo's just before ethics. Helen and Claire found me (they're just some people I know realy), and they helped me out no end. Thank's girls. Even though I felt ill, I managed to get through it all.
And now I've got back home, I'm invisible again. Mum and dad started fighting when we got in. Not the shouting type of fighting, that quiet, angry type that means more than just 'I'm pissed off'. I hate it when they fight, I wanna leave this place. The atmosphere is... opresive.
Well - I have a big thank you to say.
Thank you Kiran. Last night I was a bit quite and say 'I know' alot, and made up lots of excuses - but it realy means a lot to me that you would try - Thank you for being there for me. I hope you know that I'm always here for you if you need me (and when you don't aswell).
Thought for the day:
When you care for someone - let them know... if only once in a while. You don't realise how big a difference it can make to someone.
I'm off to go for a walk in half an hour with Sasha (she's like ... my walking companion (just like in 'Emma') hehe) so I'm gonna sign out.
Thank you, I love you all, my friends
Meh - none of my friends are online. I have nothing to do. I'm sick of being Ill!!
Okay, rant over!
Thought for the day:
You can't choose you're family - but you can choose to be their friend.
I'm so psyched about next thursday now. Mrs (Cindy) Davis called back finaly, she wants me to come to her house for choir practice next thrusday - and she wants me to take my guitar and sing a few songs. ((Eeepy fied)) If there's anyone I'd be nervous singing in front of, it would be Mrs Davis - she was always my fav teacher at primary school, and I really want to impress her. I'm thinking of singing 'empty' by the Cranberries (Coz I love it!) and maybe something like 'the rose' by bette middler ... not sure though. I'd love to have one of my songs finished that I could - oh wait - there's that one I wrote for Georgina... though that is kinda.. upsetting. I dunno. Maybe.
Again - I haven't spoken to my boyfriend in longer than I'd like to believe, and I'm starting to really REALY miss him. Suppose I'll have to deal though.
Still haven't done much on my coursework - hopefully I'll get an extension since I've been so ill.
I'm in school tomorow, hopefully, so that I can stay in Bar Mock. I'm enjoying it so much - but I haven't written the closing speaches yet, again because I've been so ill.
You can tell I'm getting better though, my diary gets positive when I'm well, and negative when I'm ill...
It's about time though. I've got my retakes coming up soon, the bar mock competition is next saturday, I think tomorow is the maths challenge as well. Jesus. I'm not sure if I'm realy ready for any of this!
Butterflies... eepage.
Message for the day:
When the world starts to fall apart, think of it as an opertunity to shine. Remember that you make a difference, you matter, and life wouldn't be the same without you.
Well - I'm off, probably time to take more antibiotics. Have a nice day/night.
Blessed be.
Sophia
xxxxxxx
Found this on *sparkle 101*'s profile and thought it was exactly what I'd try to explain on Sunday (2006-10-29):
His name was Kyle.
It looked like he was carrying all of his books.
I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.
They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.
His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him.
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives."
He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"
There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.
I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.
As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to private school before now.
I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.
We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.
I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends. He said yes.
We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday!
He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on Georgetown, and I was going to Duke.
I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.
He was going to be a doctor, and I was going for business on a football scholarship.
Kyle was valedictorian of our class.
(I teased him all the time about being a nerd)
He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak
Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.
He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I did and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.
I could see that he was nervous about his speech; so, I smacked him on the back and said
"Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"
He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.
"Thanks" he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.
Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly
your friends...
I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them. I am going to tell you a story."
I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.
He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.
He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy
told us all about his weakest moment.
I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.
Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions. With one small gesture you can change a person's life. For better or for worse.
So - I'm still ill. The antibiotics aren't working. I feel like shit.
On the plus side - my boyfriend isn't speaking to me, I'm on the brink of being kicked off the Bar Mock team - and I've not finished my coursework (because I've been sleeping too much) and it's in for... oh yeah - TOMOROW!
yeh - that's the GOOD news. You don't wanna know the bad stuff.
The only groovy thing is
Exert from a wandering diary:
(('A wandering diary' is the title of my real diary))
dated 1st Nov. 2006
"I feel like I've failed. I've let myself try to have a social life and I've failed - I've tried to do Bar Mock, and failed there too - not to mention trying at school, and guess what! I've failed there too!
It's such a load of bollocks. I can't concentrate because of this virus, I'm not wanting to concentrate (because it's all a load of shite that I don't want to deal with right now)and to be honest, I'm not realy that fusse about 'the future' because I'm seriously starting to feel like I won't HAVE one.
Mums all upset because some stupid illness she's got is 'incurable' - but it's not a big deal - it's not going to kill her for christ sake. Not that she see's it that way - it's just another disability to her; and I kinow that it's hard, I realy do, it's just that it's hard to give someone sympathy when they keep forgetting you're alive. It's as if she's concumed with Rachel (because thats more important don't you know - it's not as if she's got a husband and friends to look after her ((NOT)) ) and I'm just the other daughter who does ok in school and lives in her room and becomes of interest now and then. I used to be able to tell mum anything - now I can't tell her a god damned thing. I've stopped trusting her, I've stopped valueing her opinion - I've stoppe believing a word she says to be quite honest. She turned out to be such a hypocritical annoying pushy person, that I just lost interest. I can't turn to Rachel - she doesn't have time - and Sean barely says more than 10 words to me now. Dad? pfft - well, I suppose he's always good if I need yelling at. He barely notices me unless I'm doing something wrong - he's too wrapped up in his own life to give a shit about mine.
I need a god damn shoulder to cry on! Is that too much to ask for? One stinking friend wyho care what's going on in my life who I can tell all my insecurities to. I need that. I feel so fucking isolated.
For one night I felt loved; and I'll thank Arron for that atleast - but I guess I hoped for too much, wanting him back. Here I thought he wanted to walk back into my life and pick up where we left off. I guess I'm more naive than I thought.
I think my real problem is that I see what is real, and what isn't - and I cling to that imaginary world for dear life - because it's all I have. I try so hard to live for the moment - but all that's keeping me going now is the hope for a better future. But I can't keep doing this forever. I need something - anything - to make life seem worth living again. It used to be my neices - but no longer. Yes - I could even leave them behind now. I can't think of one person I couldn't leave. Not one. My mind scans through family and frineds and commitments, and none of them matter. I feel like they've already let me down so much.
Everyone seems to think I'm so together
But I'm craking under the preadsure.
This mask hides what is brakin'
And I just keep on fakin...
Free fall into a new world
Please god help me land on my feet
Godess guide me now
help me work out how
To free fall to a new workd
and land on my feet.
Everything hurts, inside and out. It feels like someone literaly broke my heart and every beat it makes kills me a little more. Every breath hurts - because I know it's keeping me alive. I don't know what to do.
I'm scared that I'm gonna hurt myself. How stupid is that? I can't stand this world and I'm terrified of the next. I'm so pathetic. I tell Sasha all the time how it's stupid to fear death or hope for existance afterwards - because thats what makes life preacious - it makes life special. But my life isn't special anymore - it's empty and cold, and it hurts. I don't want to hurt anymore.
Please take away this pain.
I just want to be happy again.
Please.
I can't do this.
I just feel like I'm letting everyone down! I can't do anything right, even if I try. I'm kinda hungry now I've cried so hard. But I don't realy wanna eat - I'm so fat - it drives me nuts. *sigh* I just need to have a poitive outlookm and pray that it's enough to get me through, I can't rely on anyone else - so I'll have to depend on me. I may not want to, but unitil someone comes along and fills this hole in me (not in a rude way!) then I'll just have to keep it together.
I'm just not feeling well right now, once I get better this will all be easier. (Can you tell the Ibuprofen is kicking in?). "
Yet this diary starts (a few days before):
"Wow.
I've never felt more perfect..."
hmm. Spose it shows how easy it is to change.
I'm so tired all the time now. I guess I did too much yesterday - it put me back a fair ways - was nearly throwing up again 2day. Slept on the sofa for a while, but I still feel like shit. I made a doctors appointment, and I'm really hoping they'll just say - you've got a cold, deal with it. I don't know what I'll do if i'm proper ill. I hate not being myself - I just feel so god damned drained, and the pain levels are getting to me.
OOOH - I just remembered something from tuesday night though. Halloween kinda rocked. We had this huge massive party, where everything was spooky/ gorey, and it rocked so hard. I was in my kick ass boots, a tattered skirt and my wings (yes I had a top on too - u dirty people). Anyway, the thing I just remembered is these kids like to be chased on halloween around our area, so usualy some of the guys in scary costumes chase them - but they were like, dead on their feet, so I chased them. Obviously, I come back, sit with my friends, and the come askin for me to chase them again. Well, I couldn't be arsed, so I walked out the door, the kid ran, and I threw this little plastic sword I'd been messing with.
Now, I can't throw daggers properly, they normally just fall where ever they want, and don't go very far - let alone come anywhere near the person I'm aiming at.
Well! I step out the door and hurl this sword at them - my god, I missed him by an inch! It hit the tree behind him as he ran, and I swear it would have left a bruise if it had made contact. It was the best throw ever!! ((for me)) I stomped my foot and complained loudly that I'd missed the bugger - but I was so amazed how well I'd thrown that thing! Must have just been pissed off at him or something - have to try that again sometime :D
aaanyway - I'm knakered, and I think I'm going to go sleep, or watch a film, or something. Haven't done my homework yet - and that coursework is in soon - shit! oh well - don't really care anymore.
Let joy be yours
My blessings to all
Love fill your life
Through till next years fall
Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxxx
((WOO!! 20th entry!!))