Damnit, I'm in [ love ].

Again.


How is it that every single time I see him my heart does a little back flip, I forget what I'm doing, and I can't think straight? Every god damn time!

He's always done that to me ((as you can read about in some of my previous entries)), but I thought... well, I was wrong.

I can't stop thinking about him - which is crazy! I have so much on my plate to think about, and whats the only thing in my head? him.
His eyes. His hair. His hugs... again.

I'm scared to tell him though. Stupid really.

I'm probably scared of regection more - or being used. People find out you'd do anything for them, and they sometimes get you to do alsorts.
I want to say 'he'd never do that'... but lots can change over a few years - and it has been a few years since I knew him properly.  Shit - fuck - bollocks.  I'm letting my heart run away without my head.


I think that I'm forgeting to let him know how much I feel though. I Conciously have to stop myself from hugging him all the time, and trying to hold his hand.
Like today - shoving my hands in my pockets so I didn't latch onto his arm.

Why is that?

Was it just because my mate was there and I didn't want to be rude to her?  Or was I worried he might not want to hold my hand?

Jesus, I don't know about anything anymore. How does he do this to me? Shitfuckbollocks.

*sigh* deep breath... deeeep deep breath. And chill. 

I was trying to think of a good name for Sasha's baby so she doesn't try calling it 'Lauren-Nicole', after me and her other mate. Stephanie is one of the pretiest names I know. Or Lilandri... I don't know.
I'm kinda scared of ever being in her situation. Pregnant at 18... probably worse if you're pregers at 14 or something... but still! For the dad to just be so ... grr... like he was. ((ASSHOLE))

Well, I'm going to go sit back and relax for a bit before my singles match [semi finals] ((okay, its in cribage... so)) and then go kick some butt.

laters xx

Sophia

maaan i'm sick of being ill. I can't actualy be bothered to correct that grammar.

I think the real problem at the minute is the fatigue, and the not knowing. They STILL don't know what's wrong with me. grr.

There's some new lyrics floating around in my head... something like:

"I wanted us to share love
You just wanna make love
I think that I've had enough of you"

Can't really remember the rest. I wrote them down... somewhere...


I guess I started this diary back up because Kiki mentioned it. I don't come on Elfpack much now though - I don't have that many friends on here. Not since Stephy left, and Arron doesn't speak to me...

Morbid huh? ha, that's the least of my mirad problems. I've had to drop 3 of my 5 a-level subjects just to keep doing any of them. Probably retake the others next year.
I've lost the power in my voice. It cuts out at high notes now... which I don't mind telling you SUCKS to high heaven.
My energy levels suck! I hurt constantly still... they can't explain that one either.
I don't have a social life anymore. I'm living vicariously through books.
I'm only just fighting off the depression to be honest.

The paranoia doesn't help


So, I'm writing this diary to try and sort out my head... but everyone knows I don't have a head anyway... so what's the point?

I've lost confidence in my sanity - I feel ugly too, which is unusual for me. I'm normaly really happy with my looks...
I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up at the moment. Possibly a bad thing *thinks* I dunno.

I guess it's because I want to cry all the time.
I feel like something huge is missing inside me too.
So lonely.

The hollow sound of the wind echos the emptyness in me, the rain reflects my tears. The sun shines on my face, but I don't feel it. The colours in the world have faded, along with my hopes and dreams. Yet still I carry on, still I search for something to keep me going, something to give life a meaning again. I wish someone would bring back the colours... wont someone bring the rainbow after this rain??
*sigh*

One day I'll be ok. I hope. People say it to me, but they don't know - I can see it in their eyes. No-one's certain, and I feel the doubt in me build with every "it'll be ok" or "You'll be fine".

At least the doctor hasn't lied in that way. He doesn't know what's wrong, and he doesn't know if I can get better, let alone will.

Sometimes I find myself thinking that it would be a lot easier, a lot less painfull, a lot more peacefull, if I just died. It's as if I'm expecting them to find cancer, and tell me I've months to live, not decades.  Then again, since a few months ago I've known my life wouldn't be as long as other peoples.
I just know... I can't explain how. Like some internal check of my body clock or somehting.

I look around and I wonder what they'll do with my things when i'm in that box. Will they pass them on to the kids? sort through every peice of paper, treasuring each word? Or will it all just be thrown away to try and get rid of the pain/loss?

I don't know.

If nothing else, this diary will survive to tell people who I was... if only in the smallest way. I might be gone at that point, but this little bit of me will stay.

Jeeze Lauren, shut up! stop being so damn pesimistic!
I'm gonna jet, might leave another entry soon.

Sophia xxxxxxxxx

Shelly's Poem by Lauren Bland

Mummy's looking tired still
She says she can't sleep
I know how she feels at night
I don't make a peep

It's always late when the car arrives
But I hear it every time:
The slam of the door, the drunken slurr;
It's seared into my mind

Suddenly my heart starts to race as the keys turn
in the front door - so scary
Have to breath real slow, real low, quiet too -
pretending I'm asleep already

Foot steps on the stairs, I can tell where he is by the creak
That marks the seventh step from my door
Time to squeeze my eyes tight, hug my teddy closer, try hard
Not to shiver - time to put on the show.

He'll open that door again tonight, like the nights before,
Look in and whisper to me
"Baby? You awake?" then listen hard for an answer.
Maybe I'll roll over, so he can't see

My teeth chattering, my nose flare.
Or maybe sigh, or snore.
Sometimes he catches me out though,
He's done it twice before.

Sandra showed me how to sleep
So dad didn't come in
She said the things he'd done
To us was such a sin

But I hope one day
Mummy will see
I know she's awake -
She'll rescue me

But tonight, Daddy,
Please do not
Come to me, Daddy,
It's too hot

It's not Like you said.
It hurts me.
I don't want you to
play with me...

SO FUCKED OFF!

I swear to god, if I didn't have self control there be some daed people in this house right now, rather than living CUNTS!

I mean, when the last time THEY did what they said they would?? What the HELL gives them the right to be so god damb hypocritical? And why do they always have to be so RUDE and CRUEL ???

I was nearly in tears because of that BASTARD. I mean, what? they think I actualy want to spend time with them??? When all they do is stare abysmaly at the television and dole out demands?
"Make me a cup of tea"
"Go turn the computer off"
"Are you going to do that washing?"
ITS ALREADY FUCKING IN!!!!

Is it too much to ask that they atleast be nice to me while I'm ill?? Apparently so.

And why the HELL do they find it neccesary to slag everyone off? Why is Sean always in the wrong? Or Becky? Or me??
Why is mum so fucking insistant that Grandma 'won't try' - I may not like her attitude at times, but you can see on her face how scared and upset she is about so much! If it was someone elses family, they'd have her pity, they'd have her support - but no. We have to put up with being failures in her eyes.

Yet she sits there and smokes like a chimney - when I've made it pretty obvious how much it effects me.
They've never cared about that.

Rach and Sean told me just how much mum and dad wanted another kid once they'd got together - 5 tries was it?
Wanted to justify their relationship - make dad important biologically?? Is that it? I'm just hear to prove to the world that mum and dad actualy want to be together? Well fucking great.

I love them, but not enough. I can feel it - I remember loving them totaly - now I'd really rather they were dead.
I can't bear them.
Why am I always in trouble, when I try so god damb hard to do what they want?? Am I that crap at being a daughter?

Maybe I'm just that crap at being a person. I mean, come on, who am I kidding? I have no friends, I have no life, I do school work, and stay in my room. Some life.
If that test comes back positive for depression, I can tell the GP exactly where the hell it comes from. Sounds Fruedian to blame it on my parents - but the truth is, I look through old diaries, old notebooks, and they all show the exact same thing. I go through a patch of being away from them (at school, with friends, round Kayleighs..) and then as soon as I get back I get completely depressed. I have notes dating back to year 8 of me wanting to just disapear so that they'd stop having a go at me, at each other... and I do - I let myself get worked up, upset, angry, lonely. I still let them get to me, and it's stupid. But it's hard not to when they're the only people you basicaly see for 3 fucking weeks. Were they actualy surprised that I wanted to stay and talk to Di when she came round? If I only had visitors... I haven't seen any of my friends for so long - plus the computer screen hurt my eyes too much lately to talk to them over MSN - so I've been totaly isolated. No wonder I'm not getting better.

And I still feel like shit - can't they see that? I'm still burning up, and in pain, nursing a headache and runny nose and sore throat - just because I'm well enough to think about going back to school they're having a go at me for not cleaning my room? doing homework I don't even know about yet? doing everything a healthy teenager should be doing I guess.

I'm starting to regret not going to Uni - I may have to ask Sasha if I can move in with her when she finally gets her place. I cant live here much longer. Yeah, I get a lot of stuff free - but the price of that physicaly and emotionaly is too much. Maybe I'll talk to my bro and sis, see if I can crash with them some time.
But they've got kids to look after - you know? - and I can't be imposing on them. With Sasha, I'd be a helping hand - extra help - extra incom as well probs... I dunno - I need to get out - I need to get money - I need, no I'm not gonna go there, guys just take advantage of me and rip out my heart... even if the illusion of love is nice... could I realy cope with just the illusion?

Maybe I'm just lonely at the mo because of stress and stuff... I mean, I've been... ok.. without a bf for a while.
Pfft - what a lie. I even went out with a guy over the internet to feel some kind of connection, come on! who am I kidding? I guess I'm just too much of a bitch to keep a guy tho - pushy like my mother.
Makes me think of the song 'Doves Cry' by Prince.
"Baby you're just like your mother..."
Too fucking true. Bitch.
Thinking of losing myself in music/magick...

Even that doesn't feel right anymore. Poisened by lonelyness.

Why does this always happen?? Why do I always end up sat here crying?
Why do I lose it like this? why can't I see the point?

I'm smart - I know this is just me projecting spur of the moment feelings on a few past experiences and deciding that this is the only thing life offers... but some how, it feels more real than being happy - because I've never been truely happy I guess. I've made bad decisions in the past... decisions that have just completely removed me from the people I love. Arron, Steph, Tony, Kayleigh, Matthew... I never really see any of them anymore. Guess that's my punishment for focusing on studies - I lost my world - 'cause those people WERE my world. They completely were. They still are in my heart... have you any idea how much it hurts to never see my best friends??

I got to year 11 and I had different best friends; Lucy, Kiran, Beth... but they left me too. Lucy and Kiran went to College last year instead of finishing their A's with me and Beth - and Beth has a new, incrediable, boyfriend... I know they didn't mean to leave me... but I hate being alone like this.

I always liked being alone before - it was a privelidge. I barely ever got it. It was my time to think - but I can't live like this... feeling alone even when I'm around people, because they don't listen, don't want to talk, put on a face... Yet I can feel what they feel - they just don't let me help... and it hurts even more than the loneliness.

So I guess that's why I chose the loneliness...


I keep hoping, dreaming, that there's something... more. Someone waiting for me every morning, hoping to just get a glimps of me when I leave the house... it's silly really, but it's the only thing I have to hope for.

Bah - i'm gonna go try and cheer up .
Think of something fun... maybe write some more story/script... dunno - ciao for now though.

Love
Sophia

grr, I'm so on right now. I need that nice massage man... hahaha - I can't believe I remembered that right now! Jesus - TJ's bad influence on me no doubt (since it was his idea).
Do you ever get that feeling that your body wants you to be doing things I'm not at liberty to discuss on a public diary entry? I mean it - I'm burning up, yet shivery... and I think if I weren't carefull I'd do something rude that I'd regret later.
Thank god *-*-* isn't on atm... hmm, maybe it would be better - *oops*

AANYWAY
Moving swiftly on.

I'm sooooo tired lately - doesn't help that my bed makes more noise than fifty rats and mice when ever I so much as turn my flipping head! Let alone roll over... bah - no rest for the wicked :P

well - if I continue, I'm just going to repeat myself since I have a one track mind right now. So I'm off to read a book. Maybe Stephen Hawking's History of time... yeh! That should work.

Loveya's
Sophia xx

my new song makes me want to cry.
It's called 'Dream, Baby (dream)', and it's about a little kid whose mum passed away... sung from the mothers view, she says:
"My lonely child falls fast asleep
Dream baby dream
In my arms for now atleast
Dream sweet baby
Please don't wake, spend this time with me"
The video to it would start with a sleeping baby (about 4 or so), then slowly impose over it a mum stroking their hair, a tear rolling down her cheak. Then it would fade into the dream, where they're playing, and hugging, and being happy. Finaly it would fade back to the little girl waking up, and doing that 'about to cry' look.
I don't know why this song has touched me so much - it's as if I can feel it taking shape without me. The backing music is something of a problem - It's from something else, I just don't know what yet, and I've addapted it... may be bordering on copyright, but I don't think so. It's the most beautiful song I've composed so far; and if I can master it properly and get it recorded, I know I'll never listen to it without crying. It's as if someone elses pain has seeped through into my song, making it painfully sweet. I want to share it with the world.

There's a destructive force inside of me clawing to get out. It wants me to smash everything I can - it's all I can do to contain the rage I'm burning in.
It has a thurst for blood.

My friend asked me if I would kill someone using magick - the fact of the matter is, if I wanted someone dead I would use my bare hands, not hide behind forces of nature.

It's burning my skin now, as if my rage has become hot fat that spits at me. The coiled snake in my chest wants to reach out and strike venom into his heart. How dare he?

I'm not ready yet, but I will be - that's a promise.
No one threatens my friends or family. No one.

Bloody norah! I'm shocked beyond all belief.

Mrs Lane - the teacher that is so biased towards her own beliefs she almost always dismisses everyone elses view as ridiculous - asked me if I could speak about environmental issues in a religious way. Took me a second to realise she ment MY religion! I didn't think she even recognised Pagenism as a religion! But there she was, blatently asking if I could talk about it.
Well ofcourse I can! I worship an earth deity - ofcourse I'm concerned about environmental issues!
duh.

I think that I'm suddenly very proud of Mrs Lane now. I can't think of anything more respectfull she could have done - other than use the term 'wiccan' or 'pagen' when asking me. I think that would be really hard for her to be honest.

Woo!

Anyway - I'd best do my coursework.

Blessed be
Sophia xxxxx

Well! I feel like shit, anyone else?? comeone - hands up!

Well - I wont go into details, but I've been severely fucked over by guys lately; thanks a bunch to those special twats who've managed to hurt me so god damned much.

For one in particular, I have a message:

If you ever walk away from me with another woman again, I may actualy demand an explination.

For another - who, actualy REALY hurt me - I wrote a poem. Since it's entitled by his name, I'm not going to post it's title - that'd be rude - so, here is how it feels to be inlove, and be crushed by someone who can't decide between you and someone else.

I just want you to know
I love you.
I always will.
I think you’re amazing.

I just want you to know
I love you so much that
I will never let you go:
I will keep you in my heart forever.

I just want you to know
I love you, and so
I won’t let you see me as
I walk away - for you.

I just want you to know
I love you so much that
I will let you go, because all
I want is for you to be happy.

I just want you to know
I love you.
I always will,
I know you’re incredible.

I just want you to know
I love you, and that
I always have; but
I need you to move on.

I just want you to know
I love you,
I need you, but
I need you to be happy more.

So I’ll tell you that
I don’t love you.
I want you gone; and
I won’t be miserable without you;
 And you’ll go.




I know it's non rhyming... but it's how I felt all of five minutes ago when I wrote it. Now I'm just pissed off though. *sigh*

Ever felt like you NEED a punch bag??

I just want to rip him to peices, put the peices in a blender, and then serve him in an omlett to the other girl... grrr...
Not that I want to hurt him or anything.
honest


*sigh* I'm going to go drink something - see if I can calm down a bit. Though it's true, that line in 'Pain' - Anger and agony are far better than misery. Trust me on this one.

My tears will fall no more for those who have caused me pain. The shards of my heart have been seived through my throat in pain, and forced through my eyes. The clear gems that have formed there have fallen on deaf ears, and ignorant minds. My pain will stay inside, until it twists around; coiling like the snake that has biten me and poisened my heart.
My anger will be the lightening through a tearless storm, and thunderous words - no one will be unharmed by it. Not even me; and so the anger feeds that pain from which it springs - and my circle of bitterness, like a ripening lemon, grows.
One day it will colapse in on me; and on that day you will remember the first shard of my heart, that fell from my blinded eyes onto your cheak.
Maybe then you will learn the power of my love, my heart, my soul; and maybe then you will regret all you have cast away - all the gems that I gave, all the wonders that I held in me - gone forever.



Well - goodnight for now.

Blessed be
Sophia xxxx

Starting a book. Should be... interesting. Not sure if I like the plot though. Hmm...

Starting a book. Should be... interesting. Not sure if I like the plot though. Hmm...

Okay, so last night my mate took me (unexpectedly) out in town. Everyones dressed up pretty, and I'm in my jeans, t-shirt, and trainers, but oh well. So I go to the bar at one point to get a drink, and end up stood next to the guy Im pretty much in love with. We say hi and everything, then he walks off with another girl.

   I think that I'm 'too imature' for him. I'm sure that's what he thinks - though he never did grow up really . It's all about appearences with that guy; which to be honest kinda bugs me. I just don't know where I'm up to with him. *sigh*

 I've still got that exert for you somewhere, I'll type it up later.

     Nearly cried, but then I kicked the big metal door in the ladies toilet (hurt like hell since my trainers are thin as paper) think I left a dent actualy. Plus I then danced the rest of the night, just to knacker myself out, and yet still feel like shit about it. I mean, he clearly was shocked to see me there - and not in a good way. I had the feeling he realy didn't want to see me; I get that feeling a lot around him. Yet he wants to fuck me when we're together - what a fucking twat. I'm not some slag that'll just fuck him for the hell of it! I realy want to slap him right now. If it were possible to give a person 'uncool' points, I'd be giving him sooo many right now. I'm surprised I didn't slap him across the face actualy, though I was kinda in shock. I swear to the Godess though, if he keeps it up I'll brake the fucking wiccan rede. I'll harm him till there's nothing left TO harm.

   I wouldn't mind if he hadn't been trying to get into my pants the last time he saw me for more than a few seconds. No, it was not a one night stand, he was refering to himself as my boyfriend - so I'm not over reacting. I feel dirty now - I feel like I'll never be able to wash that used feeling off me. What a bastard. I'm just so upset at this - he could have bleeding told me! It's not as if I'm a spaz who can't take being told shit like that - I hate being lied to, and strung along. It's as if he was trying to keep me happy so that he could come back to me when he was bored. TWAT FACED COCK.



        On the plus side, the drummer of that band today was f2f!! Plus, he can REALY play that kit. Shame his lead singers not able to sing, if I weren't such a fraidy-cat I'd offer to sing for him... in key. hehe. I was missing my guitar so much today - it was freeezing! and I just wanted to play my guitar and sing and chill out. It's my relaxation - it's my world. It's the only thing that never lets me down.


   ANNNYway - I'm off. I'll probably end up on the phone to sasha soon *sigh*.

Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxx

Bah, had another dip the other day - so I haven't really been on here much. Haven't done much really - probably not the best thing since I've 3 peices of coursework to be doing. Meh.

My mate asked me to define the word 'meh' for her. I said just 'Wih' - but it's got me thinking. My definition of the word 'meh' would be a sigh of sorts which includes the idea of 'I don't know' and also 'I don't care'. There you go Niz - a deffinition of 'meh'. I should make a dictionary of the words I use. Like, "Di phweginai pri dious tchentay" (pronounced dee f-weg-en-ay pree d-yoi-s chen-tay) is just a curse I use - like ffs, or damnit. But it sounds better. meep.
(Btw, meep means just 'i dont know' and is the sound of a whimper/shrug. just so you know)

Anyway - I'm supposed to be tidying my room - so I'm going to get back to that. I've an exert of 'a wandering diary' for you, but I'll copy that out in a bit. Luv ya'll

Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxxxx

bah - tooth ache sucks. It gave me such a bad headache today I got to go home early to take pain killers. *sigh* too much to do, not enough time for me to just chill anymore. I have to phone Kiran aswell, me and Rachel have a concert tomorow - at the same time as the movie we're supposed to be seeing with Kiran... uh oh lol. I'm sure she'll forgive us.

   I'm so tired right now. I need to sleep off this headache, but I know I wont be in bed till late, mostly because Will's online. Correction, Will just logged off - fine, I no longer have any friends who I can talk to... bah. Note my new phrase - "bah". Not to be confused with the pronunciation 'baa' hehe. I was so hyper all of today - I've been bouncing and stuff - wonder what's up with me? I think I'm just hyper because I spoke to Will last night and he's being realy nice now we're not going out. I wish he'd been like this when we were together - but hey!

  Thinking about trying to find Arron at some point, see if he's okay - think I'm okay to do that now, without loosing my senses or anything. Miss him, but not so much now - I'm functional now.

  ARGH! I'm so hungry, but eating cains sooo bad. This is torture. I'm going to drink some hot chocolate - I refuse to go back to eating soup - I had waaay too much of that when I was ill. I refuse to be ill again - ever. Okay - so that's going to be hard BUT!!! - I'll manage it, honest.

  Been carrying some of my smaller gems around with me lately, and it seems to be keeping me calm and happy. So nice to always just have that little connections to magick with me - even if it's a tentative one. Chloe is still paranoid that I'm casting a spell when I play with my gems - I wont go into details of how you have to cast a circle and do lots of preperation before you cast a spell, let alone a Hex - which I seriously am NOT capable of yet! I'm nowhere near able enough to cast a strong circle, let alone a spell - but I'm not going to let THEM know that. It's always nice to be able to tell people you cast a spell on something to give them luck, or... well... anything like that. Used to do it all the time for AS and GCSE's. I know it's not fair to lie to people, but it helps, so you know? why not!

  Meh, I'm off to put my phone on charge and make a few calls on the land line. Love ya's

Blessed be
Sophia
xxxxxxxx

AHHH!! The competition is tomorow and I've still not written my closing speach - Jeeze, do I leave it till last minute or what???

Talked to my brother last night - it was great, he's realy surportive of my music idea - want's to help as much as possible :D Thats my CD cover taken care of hehehe.
       I can't get enought of Three Days Grace!

God I just want to cry, and cry, and cry.
I just watched grey's anatomy, and several of the main characters nearly died (infact, the hospital nearly blew up) and now all I can think is 'I don't want to die'.

I realy don't. And I keep thinking how the other night thats all I wanted to do, and I'm so... I can't explain it. I'm so scared. It's as if I was in a dark room, starved of light, and did things that scare me, but they seemed like the only thing to do - and suddenly this light flicks on, and I see the truth of what happened, and what could have happened - and I'm so scared.

I need to do my Coursework!!
So why the hell can't I do it?? bah - I give up. I don't care if it's in for tommorow morning. I've not had time. I'm more concerned about my closing speaches.
SHIT!! thats only in 2 days aswell. ***SOOO NERVOUS***

I will not Die
I will survive

Okay, I'll stop singing Three Days Grace (oneday haha). Those lyrics remind me of one of my own songs. It went something like:

I wont cry out for help
I'll do it by myself
I'll do it just let me try
I wont die
I wont sigh
I wont cry
I'll be alright
I'll be alright

Made that up on my way home one day - never really got fully developed. Maybe I'll write some verses for that actually.

My newest one is called 'Understand' - though it sounds like it should be called 'Alone' (because every verse starts with the refrain 'alone'), but yeh, I wanna get that recorded soon so that I can start sending my music out. So watch this space people! hehehehe.

I've noticed, most of my songs are severly depressing. 'Morning Song' is the only one that was ever... up beat. Its about how everything seems better in the morning, and that if you just wait until morning, everything will be fine. Still not exactly 'happy' but oh well.

I was singing Bette Midlar's 'Rose' today in the music room (The accoustics are great! Shame the piano's crap) and I was just... singing... and I could here people walking into Harroby House (where the music room IS) and asking each other "Who is that??" - well, unless they had any idea who I am... if they did they were like - "Is Lauren on that Fucking piano again!?!" hehehehe

Sooo much fun.

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late


I love three days grace. Not only is their music amazing, their lyrics mean so much to me.

Why is it always one fight after another with them?? I'm so angry and upset at the moment. All my parents seem to do is argue about something or another - and if I happen to say anything my head gets bitten off. Sometimes I swear they yell at me just because they're bored of having a go at each other. Sometimes I wish they'd just get divorced or something. I can't take their crap. It's driving me insane.
I have so much work to do, and yet when I get home, I can't do it, because I'm guilted into doing something else - or I get distracted by something I love doing. I need to move out. Soon