It's 10 in the morning, but I need to write.

I'm all confused after last nights dreams. Things that I now remember from the dreams seem disjointed, unrelated, confused... but I have this feeling of continuity - I know that they all morphed effortlessly together.
But none of them seem related to what happened yesterday. There's nothing indicating the shinning. Or anything we DID either...
At one point I was Nicholos Cage... doing the most boring stuff ever - like sorting cutlery, in a supermarket...

So much of my dream was weird, mundane crap... one of them I was supposed to be part of a game show thing, but I didn't have any clothes on, so I had to go find some...
(Ok, so I know where that one came from - it was a half awake dream... but hey!)


*big sigh* I just wish... I understood. So much is going on in my head right now - and none of it makes sense... and what DOES make sense ... *sigh* such a mess.

I can't escape this hell. So many times I've tried, but I'm still caged inside. Somebody get me through this nightmare...

Shit - qouting 3DG again.

I just wanna know how I feel again. It's as if my emotions have become something foriegn that I can neither understand nor control.
Am I just a complete bitch? Is that what my dreams are telling me?

It's not as if I've never noticed before... there's a conection between us... but what is it??
Sorry - I've probably lost you at this point... but sucks to be you then.
Sometimes its as if... as if there could be a hell of a lot more. But the explinations... they could be completely true.
Normaly I'd take which ever I wanted to be true and read what I want into things... but this is important. I can't fuck this up - you know? They're too special to me.
But special how?
If I could think straight this would be so much easier! God damn it!

I could always ask... but then I'd just go along with whatever... and do I want to do that?

I've been hurt by people so much... can I have the courage to just... ask?
And what if asking ruins what we have?
Am I even ready to take it to the next level?

If I were actualy dating Arron, I'd know what to do... if I were even god damn sure how I felt about him - let alone how he felt about me.
See its the opposite with Arron - completely physical. I let my body just react to him... I don't even think - until it's gettin real heavy - then I have enough wits about me to pull back a little.
But with them... I love their mind. Okay - so I'd like to see them naked... but... it's not my instant thought when I think about them.

I'd love to say I don't know how they feel, but it is kinda obvious. It's me I'm not sure about. Could I handle a REAL relationship??
I mean... not just a guy who wants physical attachment. The whole sh'bang.
Am I ready for that?

Bah - too stressed to think properly.

Think I need to just... get my books, chill, concentrate on just centering myself. I'll work out what I want later. It's not urgent.

I think my problem is that I love everyone too much. I can't tell when it crosses that line.


Mum's so ill at the moment. There's nothing I can do, and it hurts so much. It feels like... like I've spent all this time in wicca just trying to find a way to make her better; and I haven't found one.
Science doesn't have the answers, I've lost my faith in it completely. Watching her deteriorate into pain is half killing me. I've not told anyone before just how much it hurts. Ever since I was little, all I wanted to do was make her better - and I never could. I dont think I ever will.

I can't believe I'm actualy writing this.

I guess that's the silly thing though. There's all these personal things welling up inside me, and I guess this is like therapy. Not many people read my diary anyway - it's too long and boring and... well... personal.

I think the allure of Will is kicking in again. Something simple. Something I know inside and out. If he were closer... but he isn't.
He's not the answer to my questions, even if I really wish, hope and dream, he'll never be what I need.
Or would he be?
God I'm always second guessing myself!
No wonder nobody understands how I feel - even I don't!
Jesus, I must send such mixed messages to everyone! No wonder all this keeps happening. Nobody can tell what's going on in my head...

Ugh. I feel like such an idiot.
I've cried so much writting this diary. Especialy this entry.

Well, dad'll want the computer soon, so I'll just say farewell for now.
Love you all.

blessed be
Sophia xx

I'm going out today. Me and Beth are at Kiki's... dunno how good an idea that is since I'm still feeling like a big pile of poo.

No one was talking to me last night. I was sat all alone, no one txt me except kiki... not even Will - and he's god damn obsessed... or he was.     *sigh*

One is supposed to be the loneliest number... is it?

I' BAAACK!!

"Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life"

PS: I'm not this crazy - honest

Sick of being in the house - too sick to go out. *sigh* no rest for the wicked eh?

Was supposed to go to Kiran's last night, but didn't - because I felt like shit. SOOO annoying.

Hmm, let me just change this track over, it's driving me nutts. Ah, much better. Now, where was I?

Oh yeah, stuck inside.


Well, I'm over half way through my last book from the library - so I'll be going there tommorow atleast. Hope I'll be well enough to have a squint at the market too - but I'm not holding my breath.
I've been listening to my classical selection on my personal player for the past 2 days to try and relax a bit more. My Pop collection starts to bug me, My rock collection gets me pissed off - piano music seems to just chill me out right now.
Got a little Vanessa Mae thrown in for excitement hehe.

Just took a peek at a user called [DarkSide] because that's the name of my brothers shop. I'm expecting him in the next day or two. dunno why - smelt him a while back... just knew he was coming some time around now.
Either that or I'll find myself at his house.

Not had any reverse echo's in a while though thankfully. The other night someone was calling me though *thinks hard* but I couldn't recognise the voice. Concerned about my friend Sarah though.
Not had De'ja vous either. (woo - go me!).
Creepy things aside though, I'm not sleeping well - bleeding too hard maybe? - so that's effecting my judgement.

Think I've got a couple of things disentangled in my head now. I can identify between a couple of my stories!

My dreams invade waking moments as if they are memories of real experiences. Distortions form around me, and I haven't the heart to fight them. They wash over me, cold and hot thoughts, emotions, lives.
If I weren't so sure, I would think that these things I see in my minds eye are real peoples lives, flashing before me in small bursts.
When I close my eyes I can see their faces.

One is a young woman. Beautiful and so sad. I feel she has lost something so close to her heart that her heart has broken. Her tamed frizzy hair is pushed back off her face... but there are never any colours. It's as if the image has been drawn in light before me, and the after image is still scorched into the retina.
Impressions are all I get.

Is this woman supposed to be my inner heart? Is she a projection of my own feelings? I don't know.

Another is a man. I always see him side on. The picture is always the same, like a photograph. All I see is his nose, cheek, eye, and a flicker of styled hair.

I feel like he's one of my dreams.

In my dreams there are many people I have never met before, yet they always appear. Like imaginary friends I once might have had, who I now hold onto only in my dreams.
I can't tell though.

It is so frustrating.

The only way I can explain this is to get you to try this.

Close your eyes and face towards a light source. The computer screen is bright enough.
Can you see the light swirls on your eye lids? Blue, yellow... mild pink...
Shapes might form - squiggles, squares, rough circles?

Well, when I close my eyes, thats what I see. But suddenly they will be faces. Or objects. There one second, then gone. All I'm left with is the memory.

I can't visualise properly - its not as if I can see images in my mind if I think about them. Just hazy ideas. Like thinking without words.

I'm assuming it's the point before dreaming... but my dreams are so vivid. As if I'm right there in the place my mind has created.

Enough of dreams. My dreams are disturbing enough without reliving them now.


Sorry - My mind is wandering so much at the moment. I don't seem to be able to rein them in at all. Off on their own little paths. Thinking about themselves.

I'm obsessed with the idea of time travel for some reason. Paradox's fling themselves at me, like - if you change the past and it changes the future, can you then go back to that future? And if you change the future... so everythings great or something... why would you have gone back in the past to change it?

If you could go to the future- would you? and could you ever come back?

What would happen if you got trapped in the past?

What if you went back only a couple of days and saw yourself? Would you have already seen yourself that day (before you'd gone back)?
So many questions, so many possiblities.

Also - if space time is curved, doesn't that mean that certain time periods would be a lot easier to move between?

Is the world actualy flat, the curvature of space simply making it appear round? woah - too deep right now.

One day I'll have my answers.

Until then ((haha, that's one of my songs titles)) I'll just think, listen, learn. Maybe go to the loo... lots of people seem to have great ideas while sat on the loo.

Random!

Speaking of the loo... bye for now!

Have fun - and think about some of that stuff. If you can come up with any answers, please get in touch!!

Blessed be
Sophia xx

Had to take the day off again today. Shit I've got to start learning to stop stretching myself. Definately not going to the fair tonight unless I'm going with my popa bear. Keep heating up, hurting, and just needing to sleep - but the waltzers would be fun with daddy.
They always are.

I was going to try a go on centra-fugue... I think that's what it's called. The one that whizzes round, sticking you to the wall, and then the floor drops away.
It works on the principle of centrapetal and centrafugal forces - like when you spin a bucket full of water and the water doesn't fall out.

Scarily, I've now done enough circular motion and impulse stuff to work out exactly how fast it has to go to stick you to the wall.
Technicaly it doesn't stick you to the wall at all, it pushes you round fast enough so that its motion acts more than gravity (or if you want to be precise, the preasure of the curvature of space). Gravity doesn't stop acting - the g-force acting on the front of your body simply increases, effectively pinning you to the wall.

I've never been on one of those rides - but I've always wanted to.

I'm a 'spinny' type of girl. I don't like the heights of rolercoasters, or the sheer speed. I've never been a huge favourite of the swings either. Give me a roundabout any day - so the waltzers, the frizbee - anything 'spinny' - I love! I should imagine the centra-fugue would be a new favourite... if I weren't feeling so ill.

Actualy - I've just remembered going on the swing thingy at Alton towers (loved them!), and the log flume. Mind you, that wasn't very high... great fun though.
Thing was though - I can't stand queing... it drives me nutts! So, when the ques started to build at Alton, I started loosing interest in everything.


I'm really thirsty lately. I normaly don't drink more than two or three glasses of... well.. anything... each day - so I'm kinda worried really. I'm not a liquid person. Cravings to be in water constantly aren't like me. I'm an earth - give me mud any day - but water? Meh - I'm too out of balance right now.
If I could meditate properly, I'd give it a go. Oh well.

Read [Lokulu]'s tatoo today. Love being able to read runes.
What I could read (that wasn't too out of focus to make out individual runes) was "Rest in peace" and "The icon lives".
At least.. that is... if they're in futhark and not celtic or something.
Berkanna for rebirth, Daga for day (air element also), Rad for safe travel, and Laguz for blood (water element too).
Goddess I've missed translating runes and their meaning.
Looks like his family names around it too.
So tastefull. Very meaningfull.
Lovely

I'm going to have to start learning the rest of the meanings of the elder futhark. I only know about.. what? 9? if that!
Berkanna, Rad, Daga, Laguz, Chaka, Peortho (me!! I'm an earth!) Sowilo, Algiz, and I have a rough idea of what Ansuz means too...

Note Chaka? It means 'spirit'. Very close to 'Chakara' - which are the areas of the spirit energy within the body. Cool or what?
Probably not. I seem to like very odd things like that.

Somehow, talking about magick and runes and stuff seems to clear my focus. Either that or it's one of those 'dreamy' subjects that masks how dreamy I am at the moment.

The fog this morning scared the b'jeebus out of me! Fog freaks me out. There's something... wrong about it. It takes away too many of your senses. Basicaly it fucks with ya, and I don't like it.
Childish, I know, but hey! I'm only 18, I'm allowed to be childish!
I'm always allowed to be childish. I'm not really... 'grown up'... if I'm all that honest. Don't think I ever really want to be.

So, here I am, sat at the computer, trying to think straight, and the only thing I can really think is "Shit I hurt". I'm just so tired all the time; and indecisive. It feels like a mild depression - but it's not the same. Though I wouldn't be surprised if I start suffering from depression soon. I seem a bit prone to it when I'm this ill.

Keep trying to be strong for my mum - who seems to get worse every day - and for Sasha, who seems to have a life too tough to mention. I'm not used to being the one who needs help. I'm the strong one, I'm the helper... why do I have to be this ill now?? especialy when my A-levels nearly over! I'm still really upset about having to drop nearly all my subjects. Not that I can even cope with just maths lately. Thankfully its something I can just do - no real studying required - so I'm not too far behind in it. I just keep having bad days, and then it's all that little bit harder.
Just focusing becomes almost impossible.

I've been reading lots - just to pass the time really. I've homework to do - but I just can't seem to do it. I haven't the heart.
Everytime I try, I feel so useless at not being able to just do it. Before it was as if my mind just had all the answers and maths was just effortless, but now I have to think so hard, and I feel so dumb. If I actually manage to pass C4 I'll be happy. I want an A, but I guess I can always redo my C1 exam next year when I'm doing Physics and English again.

Another god damn year of school.
I couldn't wait to get out of the place last year, or this year, and now I have to stay for another stupid year.
Part of me hopes I die before that. But it is only a small part. I'm still terrified of dieing since that night I was going to kill myself.
I guess I'm eternaly indebted to Will for stopping me now.

Someone once said "No man should fear their last day, nor wish for it." (something along those lines anyway). I remember the day when I didn't fear it - or wish for it. Death was one of those things that was just going to happen someday. Whether it was tommorow or in a hundred years, I didn't mind.
But now?
I can't explain it.
The thought of being burried...
*shiver*
I'm not claustraphobic or anything - and I love the dark... it's just... to be DEAD and burried.
Hell no.

I guess I always did want to be an organ donar and cremated, but that might not happen - dependant on my loved ones wishes. The idea of my body just rotting away in a box under all that soil makes me cringe for some reason.
I'm an earth though - I love the ground - I wouldn't particularly care about being burried alive, but the thought of being burried dead... I can't explain it.
Why should I care what happens to my body once I'm dead? Simply, I shouldn't.
But I do now. Strange.

I think alot about life and death lately for some reason. It's as if I'm preparing myself for worse to come.

I can feel something in the air lately that has me on edge. I don't like going down and opening the doors at night.
Maybe I really am paranoid.
I keep saying I am as a joke to my friends, but in all honesty, it's the only thing that explains my sheer terror of... well... nothing!

I've probably said all of that before... somewhere in this thing, but I can't remember what I was doing before I came on the computer half an hour ago, so I definately don't remember what I've written in this diary over the time I've been keeping it. And don't try saying that theres a difference between my long term and short term memory - because both of them are crappy right now. I'm surprised I even remember who the hell I am.
It's like selective amnesia - only I'm not the one doing the selecting.

Everything just blends into everything else lately. I couldn't tell you what week it is to save my life - nor what's happening in the book I'm reading. All the things I've done, read, dreamt - they all meld into one right now.
Wont be long till I'm god damned dilusional!

Looking at that, I could take out one of the spaces and it would still reflect my feelings:

Wont belong till I'm god damned dilusional!

I don't feel I fit in anywhere. Maybe I don't fit in anywhere. I know I don't trust anyone completely, and they don't know me properly. Everyone seems to know just a little slice of me... even my friend for nearly 15 years now barely knows me.

I don't even know if I know me properly! Sometimes I think I do - but then, sometimes I can understand where God's coming from and others I don't even believe in 'Him'.

Question - why do we refere to an androgenous God (a god with no sex) in the masculine term? I suppose it would be rude to call God 'it'.
The word 'god' is the masculine version anyway I guess.
Still, it's given people the impression that God is a man, further more that men are therefore better than women.

I don't know. Either way, it doesn't really matter. Words will ensnare you, tangle you in their hidden meanings, swamp you with their constant metaphors that go un-noticed to those who understand.

Numbers are better than words. After all "In the begining was the Word - but in order to mark the begining we first need numbers."

Some people don't see the beauty of numbers. It's there in music all the time. Music is like a mathematical progression expressed in frequencies and pitch. Thats why music is so magical for me - it brings together the beauty of numbers and the delicacy of words.

Strange that numbers and words are inseprable. Words are made up of specific patterns of letters, which are expressable as numbers. But numbers are still words.
1 is one. 2 is two. There is no escaping language or numbers. They are infinately intertwind in everything we do.

Sorry, I do seem to go a bit deep when I'm in this state of mindless thoughts. Too tired to reign them in, too awake to not think them, in too much pain to care.

I suppose I'll leave now, this is probably a very long entry that you're dieing for me to end.
So I'll just say:

Love and Luck to you
In all you choose to do



Blessed be

Love Sophia xxx

Im in a singing mood right now - so I don't know why I turned down Karaoke tonight. Probably because of the songs I want to sing:

Will you come and follow me if I but call you name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Yeh - I'll shush now.

I'm supposed to be making copies of lyrics for house choir tommorow... trust me to volunteer to do that because I was late. We're singing the theme tune to F.R.I.E.N.D.S.  though I'd rather be doing REM..

"It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it..."

But I guess we can do the harmony thingy in friends...


I'll have to learn what the song's actually called...
Damn.

AAAaaanyway. I need a poo (tmi? sorry), so I'm gonna go search the lyrics and go to the loo.

luvya
Sophia xx

Wish I could lay in your arms for ever. Wish I could hold you close. 
I dream of your kiss.
But I can't sleep - so I don't dream...

Sophia xx

Mwahahahahaaa

[HI KIRAN ]

[ HI!!! ]

Turn me inside out.
Flip me upside down.
Spin me right around.

I'm not here for your entertainment;
You're here for mine.

I've realised - there's no such thing as soulmates. It's a silly idea.

I'm having a bad day today. I feel ready to kill anyone who pisses me off. Ever have those?
PMT I guess.

Think I'll go on my outdated version of Unreal Tournament and snipe some bots. See if I can beat my record of 300 frags 0 deaths... nah, I'm not that pissed off right now.

Wouldn't mind some company to be honest. Mums downstairs asleep, and Dad's fucked off somewhere. Arron, Sasha, TJ... hell I'd settle for John Slater I'm that desperate.
Strike that, I'm never THAT desperate.    
I could do with being out - away from home - just for a bit. Wish I had credit to call a friend.

Bah I'm cold. What's with the sudden temperature drop?? tch, you'd think the weather was bi-polar. I guess the world is, since it has two poles... no wonder life's fucked up! Screw balance - I'd prefer to be happy.
Well - as the song says - anger and agony are better than misery. I do much prefere being angry rather than sad.

Wish I had a drum kit to go with my drum sticks.

Thinking about getting out the guittar... not sure if I'm able to think of anything to play though. *sigh*  Looonely!

Well - if anyone out there loves me - giz a call. Come round. Anything. I'm off to play guittar and chill out. Literaly- it's freezing in here.

loveya x
Sophia

Oh shit.

Great.

*dies of embarasment*

Why oh why did I send that message???

I sit there and try hard not to look at you. TJ's no help, he's all moody waiting for a reply from the girl he's mad about. Nathan's thankfully there to keep me in check.
The run of stupid jokes and comments keeps me giggling and blushing, but still I think of you.

I'm aware of every move you make. Every time your head tips to one side to read the papers in your hand. Everytime you shift your weight.
I find myself watching your eyes as you read the lines, noting every pause. You're still in your coat - why is that? You always seem to be in that thing. I love it when you're just in your t-shirt and jeans; like me.
I move around to watch the slide-show TJ's put on for us, ever aware that I'm only half an arms distance from your knees.
If I shuffled just a little more, I could rest my head on them.
But I don't. Infact, after the slides, I shuffle back to my position by the door.

It's a while later when your phone rings and you sit back till you're nearly horizontal. Fiddling with the CD player, you open the top. As I press it back down, our fingers brush against each other - but that's all the physical contact I gain. Fleeting, soft - like a kiss.
Part of me resents you - thinking 'you would choose to lie back on the bed when I want you' - but I keep myself in check. Focusing on Nathan still, I manage to get through the rest of the time as if I only want us to be friends. Thats not true ofcourse, but I don't want you to think I'm laying it on too thick. You're the only reason I stayed if I'm honest...

I can't believe you're starting to skate. Dear lord WHY?
I don't mind, it's just... I never realy saw you as a skater.

I'm surprised I managed to just walk past you today in all honesty. That urge to hold you is hard to resist - but I'm not sure how you feel, so I'm not going to lunge myself at you everytime I see you.

I hope I see you soon. Maybe alone. I just want to hold you again, and talk as if there isn't a care in the world; because thats how you make me feel - like there are no worries, like there is no one else. Only you, and me, together.

Damnit, I'm in [ love ].

Again.


How is it that every single time I see him my heart does a little back flip, I forget what I'm doing, and I can't think straight? Every god damn time!

He's always done that to me ((as you can read about in some of my previous entries)), but I thought... well, I was wrong.

I can't stop thinking about him - which is crazy! I have so much on my plate to think about, and whats the only thing in my head? him.
His eyes. His hair. His hugs... again.

I'm scared to tell him though. Stupid really.

I'm probably scared of regection more - or being used. People find out you'd do anything for them, and they sometimes get you to do alsorts.
I want to say 'he'd never do that'... but lots can change over a few years - and it has been a few years since I knew him properly.  Shit - fuck - bollocks.  I'm letting my heart run away without my head.


I think that I'm forgeting to let him know how much I feel though. I Conciously have to stop myself from hugging him all the time, and trying to hold his hand.
Like today - shoving my hands in my pockets so I didn't latch onto his arm.

Why is that?

Was it just because my mate was there and I didn't want to be rude to her?  Or was I worried he might not want to hold my hand?

Jesus, I don't know about anything anymore. How does he do this to me? Shitfuckbollocks.

*sigh* deep breath... deeeep deep breath. And chill. 

I was trying to think of a good name for Sasha's baby so she doesn't try calling it 'Lauren-Nicole', after me and her other mate. Stephanie is one of the pretiest names I know. Or Lilandri... I don't know.
I'm kinda scared of ever being in her situation. Pregnant at 18... probably worse if you're pregers at 14 or something... but still! For the dad to just be so ... grr... like he was. ((ASSHOLE))

Well, I'm going to go sit back and relax for a bit before my singles match [semi finals] ((okay, its in cribage... so)) and then go kick some butt.

laters xx

Sophia

maaan i'm sick of being ill. I can't actualy be bothered to correct that grammar.

I think the real problem at the minute is the fatigue, and the not knowing. They STILL don't know what's wrong with me. grr.

There's some new lyrics floating around in my head... something like:

"I wanted us to share love
You just wanna make love
I think that I've had enough of you"

Can't really remember the rest. I wrote them down... somewhere...


I guess I started this diary back up because Kiki mentioned it. I don't come on Elfpack much now though - I don't have that many friends on here. Not since Stephy left, and Arron doesn't speak to me...

Morbid huh? ha, that's the least of my mirad problems. I've had to drop 3 of my 5 a-level subjects just to keep doing any of them. Probably retake the others next year.
I've lost the power in my voice. It cuts out at high notes now... which I don't mind telling you SUCKS to high heaven.
My energy levels suck! I hurt constantly still... they can't explain that one either.
I don't have a social life anymore. I'm living vicariously through books.
I'm only just fighting off the depression to be honest.

The paranoia doesn't help


So, I'm writing this diary to try and sort out my head... but everyone knows I don't have a head anyway... so what's the point?

I've lost confidence in my sanity - I feel ugly too, which is unusual for me. I'm normaly really happy with my looks...
I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up at the moment. Possibly a bad thing *thinks* I dunno.

I guess it's because I want to cry all the time.
I feel like something huge is missing inside me too.
So lonely.

The hollow sound of the wind echos the emptyness in me, the rain reflects my tears. The sun shines on my face, but I don't feel it. The colours in the world have faded, along with my hopes and dreams. Yet still I carry on, still I search for something to keep me going, something to give life a meaning again. I wish someone would bring back the colours... wont someone bring the rainbow after this rain??
*sigh*

One day I'll be ok. I hope. People say it to me, but they don't know - I can see it in their eyes. No-one's certain, and I feel the doubt in me build with every "it'll be ok" or "You'll be fine".

At least the doctor hasn't lied in that way. He doesn't know what's wrong, and he doesn't know if I can get better, let alone will.

Sometimes I find myself thinking that it would be a lot easier, a lot less painfull, a lot more peacefull, if I just died. It's as if I'm expecting them to find cancer, and tell me I've months to live, not decades.  Then again, since a few months ago I've known my life wouldn't be as long as other peoples.
I just know... I can't explain how. Like some internal check of my body clock or somehting.

I look around and I wonder what they'll do with my things when i'm in that box. Will they pass them on to the kids? sort through every peice of paper, treasuring each word? Or will it all just be thrown away to try and get rid of the pain/loss?

I don't know.

If nothing else, this diary will survive to tell people who I was... if only in the smallest way. I might be gone at that point, but this little bit of me will stay.

Jeeze Lauren, shut up! stop being so damn pesimistic!
I'm gonna jet, might leave another entry soon.

Sophia xxxxxxxxx

Shelly's Poem by Lauren Bland

Mummy's looking tired still
She says she can't sleep
I know how she feels at night
I don't make a peep

It's always late when the car arrives
But I hear it every time:
The slam of the door, the drunken slurr;
It's seared into my mind

Suddenly my heart starts to race as the keys turn
in the front door - so scary
Have to breath real slow, real low, quiet too -
pretending I'm asleep already

Foot steps on the stairs, I can tell where he is by the creak
That marks the seventh step from my door
Time to squeeze my eyes tight, hug my teddy closer, try hard
Not to shiver - time to put on the show.

He'll open that door again tonight, like the nights before,
Look in and whisper to me
"Baby? You awake?" then listen hard for an answer.
Maybe I'll roll over, so he can't see

My teeth chattering, my nose flare.
Or maybe sigh, or snore.
Sometimes he catches me out though,
He's done it twice before.

Sandra showed me how to sleep
So dad didn't come in
She said the things he'd done
To us was such a sin

But I hope one day
Mummy will see
I know she's awake -
She'll rescue me

But tonight, Daddy,
Please do not
Come to me, Daddy,
It's too hot

It's not Like you said.
It hurts me.
I don't want you to
play with me...

SO FUCKED OFF!

I swear to god, if I didn't have self control there be some daed people in this house right now, rather than living CUNTS!

I mean, when the last time THEY did what they said they would?? What the HELL gives them the right to be so god damb hypocritical? And why do they always have to be so RUDE and CRUEL ???

I was nearly in tears because of that BASTARD. I mean, what? they think I actualy want to spend time with them??? When all they do is stare abysmaly at the television and dole out demands?
"Make me a cup of tea"
"Go turn the computer off"
"Are you going to do that washing?"
ITS ALREADY FUCKING IN!!!!

Is it too much to ask that they atleast be nice to me while I'm ill?? Apparently so.

And why the HELL do they find it neccesary to slag everyone off? Why is Sean always in the wrong? Or Becky? Or me??
Why is mum so fucking insistant that Grandma 'won't try' - I may not like her attitude at times, but you can see on her face how scared and upset she is about so much! If it was someone elses family, they'd have her pity, they'd have her support - but no. We have to put up with being failures in her eyes.

Yet she sits there and smokes like a chimney - when I've made it pretty obvious how much it effects me.
They've never cared about that.

Rach and Sean told me just how much mum and dad wanted another kid once they'd got together - 5 tries was it?
Wanted to justify their relationship - make dad important biologically?? Is that it? I'm just hear to prove to the world that mum and dad actualy want to be together? Well fucking great.

I love them, but not enough. I can feel it - I remember loving them totaly - now I'd really rather they were dead.
I can't bear them.
Why am I always in trouble, when I try so god damb hard to do what they want?? Am I that crap at being a daughter?

Maybe I'm just that crap at being a person. I mean, come on, who am I kidding? I have no friends, I have no life, I do school work, and stay in my room. Some life.
If that test comes back positive for depression, I can tell the GP exactly where the hell it comes from. Sounds Fruedian to blame it on my parents - but the truth is, I look through old diaries, old notebooks, and they all show the exact same thing. I go through a patch of being away from them (at school, with friends, round Kayleighs..) and then as soon as I get back I get completely depressed. I have notes dating back to year 8 of me wanting to just disapear so that they'd stop having a go at me, at each other... and I do - I let myself get worked up, upset, angry, lonely. I still let them get to me, and it's stupid. But it's hard not to when they're the only people you basicaly see for 3 fucking weeks. Were they actualy surprised that I wanted to stay and talk to Di when she came round? If I only had visitors... I haven't seen any of my friends for so long - plus the computer screen hurt my eyes too much lately to talk to them over MSN - so I've been totaly isolated. No wonder I'm not getting better.

And I still feel like shit - can't they see that? I'm still burning up, and in pain, nursing a headache and runny nose and sore throat - just because I'm well enough to think about going back to school they're having a go at me for not cleaning my room? doing homework I don't even know about yet? doing everything a healthy teenager should be doing I guess.

I'm starting to regret not going to Uni - I may have to ask Sasha if I can move in with her when she finally gets her place. I cant live here much longer. Yeah, I get a lot of stuff free - but the price of that physicaly and emotionaly is too much. Maybe I'll talk to my bro and sis, see if I can crash with them some time.
But they've got kids to look after - you know? - and I can't be imposing on them. With Sasha, I'd be a helping hand - extra help - extra incom as well probs... I dunno - I need to get out - I need to get money - I need, no I'm not gonna go there, guys just take advantage of me and rip out my heart... even if the illusion of love is nice... could I realy cope with just the illusion?

Maybe I'm just lonely at the mo because of stress and stuff... I mean, I've been... ok.. without a bf for a while.
Pfft - what a lie. I even went out with a guy over the internet to feel some kind of connection, come on! who am I kidding? I guess I'm just too much of a bitch to keep a guy tho - pushy like my mother.
Makes me think of the song 'Doves Cry' by Prince.
"Baby you're just like your mother..."
Too fucking true. Bitch.
Thinking of losing myself in music/magick...

Even that doesn't feel right anymore. Poisened by lonelyness.

Why does this always happen?? Why do I always end up sat here crying?
Why do I lose it like this? why can't I see the point?

I'm smart - I know this is just me projecting spur of the moment feelings on a few past experiences and deciding that this is the only thing life offers... but some how, it feels more real than being happy - because I've never been truely happy I guess. I've made bad decisions in the past... decisions that have just completely removed me from the people I love. Arron, Steph, Tony, Kayleigh, Matthew... I never really see any of them anymore. Guess that's my punishment for focusing on studies - I lost my world - 'cause those people WERE my world. They completely were. They still are in my heart... have you any idea how much it hurts to never see my best friends??

I got to year 11 and I had different best friends; Lucy, Kiran, Beth... but they left me too. Lucy and Kiran went to College last year instead of finishing their A's with me and Beth - and Beth has a new, incrediable, boyfriend... I know they didn't mean to leave me... but I hate being alone like this.

I always liked being alone before - it was a privelidge. I barely ever got it. It was my time to think - but I can't live like this... feeling alone even when I'm around people, because they don't listen, don't want to talk, put on a face... Yet I can feel what they feel - they just don't let me help... and it hurts even more than the loneliness.

So I guess that's why I chose the loneliness...


I keep hoping, dreaming, that there's something... more. Someone waiting for me every morning, hoping to just get a glimps of me when I leave the house... it's silly really, but it's the only thing I have to hope for.

Bah - i'm gonna go try and cheer up .
Think of something fun... maybe write some more story/script... dunno - ciao for now though.

Love
Sophia

grr, I'm so on right now. I need that nice massage man... hahaha - I can't believe I remembered that right now! Jesus - TJ's bad influence on me no doubt (since it was his idea).
Do you ever get that feeling that your body wants you to be doing things I'm not at liberty to discuss on a public diary entry? I mean it - I'm burning up, yet shivery... and I think if I weren't carefull I'd do something rude that I'd regret later.
Thank god *-*-* isn't on atm... hmm, maybe it would be better - *oops*

AANYWAY
Moving swiftly on.

I'm sooooo tired lately - doesn't help that my bed makes more noise than fifty rats and mice when ever I so much as turn my flipping head! Let alone roll over... bah - no rest for the wicked :P

well - if I continue, I'm just going to repeat myself since I have a one track mind right now. So I'm off to read a book. Maybe Stephen Hawking's History of time... yeh! That should work.

Loveya's
Sophia xx