I swear this pain is heart break. I miss him that much.
Maybe I'm crazy.

I'm listening to 'Crazy for you' by Madonna at the moment, which probably isn't helping.
I want to call, but I wouldn't know what to say.
Is it enough to just want to hear your voice?

*sigh* my not so secret obsession.

I didn't even say "I love you"...
My god, I'm that wordless around you.
Fucking hell woman - get a grip!!



Apparently I have to just let this 'crush' run its course...
Hmm... when I fall inlove, I fall head over feet. I hope I don't land on my ass again.
That always sucks.




Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling now and say blessed be

Lolly xxxx

I just want to cry. I can't though for some reason. I just sit here lathargic and upset.

Everything's just fucked.

I think it's probably just my fate. Everythings to be fucked up and crap.

There I go again though - being self centered and thinking everything is about me.

None of this is to do with me except the stuff I've personaly fucked up. The rest just feels like I should be responsible. Maybe life would be easier if it were my fault.


I just need to get away. I need someone to cry with - not hide the tears within my fears and cram them further inside me. I wish I could let it out - but I know I wont. I'm too used to dealing with it. Everything may be too much, but atleast I cope. Sort of.



I'm off anyway.
Maybe today I'll feel better.
Maybe.


blessed be
Lauren xxxxxx

Been spending more time out of the house. Doing over exerting things, but it makes me feel so much better.
I know that when I feel this crap it's stupid to even ATTEMPT to pick up an axe, but hey! Chopping stuff up is fun!! And I love spending so much time with Tony and Arron again. A huge double dose of spending time with them does me so much good!

Yesterday Steph and Kayliegh were there too (sorry, Steph and 'Bob'.... long story, I'll explain some other time) and I said - wow!!!  It'd been 7 years since we were all together in that yard, hanging out. We've all changed so much... yet haven't at all at the same time. I think the age differences are a bit more obvious now... you know - the older of us are much ruder and dirty minded.
Still, it was great!

I'm still on a bit of a high.

Last night I had so many different dreams (Couldn't sleep all that well) and one of them was awesome!!
We'd gone to this club... and it was as if Steph and me could swim through the air. It was sooo much fun. So free. Plus Aza and TJ were there and we were hanging out now and then, and I think Bob was too... but the thing I can remember most is flying about above everybody's heads. Pushing off from walls, swinging round decorations... flying with one of my best friends (still!) in the whole world.

Speaking of best friends... (juicy gossip coming up) I saw Sarah in town yesterday - holding hands with some cute guy - I KNOW!!! She didn't even see me.
Love struck!
hehe, that's my gossip for the month :P

I feel so good today. I can hardly believe it! After these months of feeling just so weak, being able to weild an axe with more umph than the guys... god that felt good.
I think I just got the method a lot better - but I also had so much frustration to get out.
I feel a bit stupid really though. I'd spent nearly 2 weeks online getting upset at Arron for not coming round, when all the time I could have just gone and found him - like I did when the internet went down.
Helped that he picked up his phone to be honest...

After the whole 'Will' thing, it was so nice to JUST hug, and hold hands. Just be with each other I guess, actualy doing something, then flake out toghether too.
Wish I could cheer TJ up though. The girl he's nearly gf with is upset about something... think she's depressed - but that's just a guess - and he's taking it hard. In a bad mood, constantly trying to cheer her up.
*sigh* not my bussiness I suppose.

It's strange you know.
I'm just thinking now... I tried to do some shoveling and nearly passed out from the exertion, yet axe weilding didn't really bother me... Maybe I'm an axe weilding murderer at heart? lol!!

Been for my scan thingy - going to make an appointment soon to get the results. The woman doing the scan didn't look worried though... mind you, she did seem to have a good poker face...
She scanned so much - I'm sure she got my whole insides!
From right down bellow my knicker line, to right under my bra, then round my back too! Sheesh, he really wanted to be thorough!

I don't think I have PSO anymore. I don't know why - I just don't.

Hoping that it's just that viral stuff and I'm getting over it. Fingers crossed.

I've been trying to exercise a bit aswell - see if I can get in shape and stuff. Only problem is, I can't do sit ups or push ups (as I found recently) because they give me terrible headaches.
So I've been doing stuff that doesn't require my head to move too much hehe. (Like using and axe... I actualy scared some people with how well I broke stuff up)


I'm wondering now how fit I actualy am. I know my BMI is crappy - and my stamina is virtualy nill atm... but still.
I think I have potential to be fit and healthy if I just put in a bit more effort.

Still need to finish my room. I think it's on the brink of defeating me though.
That's right - I started tidying it... and haven't quite finished it.
Need to take my clean washing back up to my room too.
Bah, not to mention the homework I'm now behind on.

Jeeze, and the scroll I'm writing.
Christ my list is longer than I thought!


My finger itches like crazy - stupid stinging nettles.
It's made my finger the wrong shape and colour... oh well, serves me right I guess.

Anyway, it's now 10am, so I'm going to leave you lovelies and get started on my todo list.

Love ya!
Blessed Be
Lauren xxxxxxx

I lay here,
Shiney and broken,
Sullen, unwoken
By the voices
Telling me I'll survive
I'm still alive.
You left me
My door still open
A silent token
Of my love;
The flame still burning
With my yearning.
And here I'll stay,
Forever learning,
Never turning
Away from you,
My heart unbending
Never mending,
My pain unending -
All for you.

I'm going to die a slow, diliberate death.

That's what long life is, after all...

If I weren't so... paranoid... I'd be with you I think... but probably not. You disapeared on me again - when I needed you! Asshole.

I know as soon as I see you, I'll forgive you. Which is what sucks the most. Because I'm clingy like that.

Why don't you just answer the phone when I call though?
Or reply to my txt?

9 days, and I've only sent you 3 txts and only called you 3 times too... that's not too much is it?
I just want to know you're still alive for crying out loud.

speaking of crying.

TWAT FACED KNOB!

Why am I so afraid to say I'm in love?
Am I really that scared of being happy?

I guess I just don't feel like I'm good enough for him. For anyone actualy.
I know he must think I am... but still.
I guess it's because I see myself as fat and ugly. I see all my faults, where I used to see only my best features. I suppose that's why it's hit me so hard - to go from seeing yourself as beautifull, to seeing yourself as ugly is hard to take. As if a model was in a car crash, to go from beautiful and adored, to scarred...

I can't even see the beautiful side of me.
(hey, that rhymes)

I'm so... shocked really. I mean... he likes me. He really, actualy likes me. I can't believe it.
How stupid is that?
I love the guy, but when I find out he has feelings back I'm not sure what to do or say. Am I going to let myself get overrun with emotion now?
*sigh*
I can't think straight. I've only just got to the point where I can go half an hour without thinking about him... and now... it's like trying to cut down on smoking, then being told that smoking is good for you. You want to over indulge... but should you?
Should I?

Ah well - It'll all work itself out in the end.



Blessed Be
Sophia xxxx

There's one thing in this world I coulnd't live without - and that's my music.

I hate not having you with me all the time, but I can just about live without you. It's hard. It hurts. But I can do it.

You are my world, but music is my life.

Feeling weird. The little boy across the road from me died last night. Didn't really know him. Feel really sick though.

I'm all spaced out atm. Not with it. I'm living in my head, not the world. Withdrawl symptom?
Can't think straight.
Why'd he have to die? He had learning disabilities of some kind. Dunno. I'd stopped socialising by the time he was born. Cute kid though. Seemed really nice.
Apparently he had a fit that lasted too long.
Sucks.

I guess it's just that I don't feel part of that social sphere anymore. Weird that I should have a dream about Emma last night. She's his next door neighbour. Really pretty. Was always kinda evil.

I'm hiding behind this illness atm. Feel shit. Probably nothing to do with my illness though.

Last night the ceiling was falling down on my head. Crumbling. no - that was 2 nights ago. I can't remember properly. Fuzzy.
Was terrified. Rocking and shit. Didn't happen though. Can't explain it. Maybe I've lost it?

Ostara (easter) was going to be great. I was gonna cook a meal and stuff. Doesn't feel right now. Never was good at death. It's good friday. Is that the day Jesus died or was resurected? Dunno. Weird coincidence though.
The God's born in a few days time. I think. I can't remember anything properly. Everything's just a hazy idea.

Miss Arron. Miss Sasha. Miss brain.
Hope everyone's ok.
Sasha's dad was took into hospital.
Arron's nephew might be out of hospital by now.

I need someone here. I need to cry. Why am I alone again?
Happens lots. Don't know what to do.
Maybe I'd be better in Beconsfeild. Can't cope.
Something's fried my brain. Why?
Everything feels wrong.
Maybe I'll get better soon?
Please tell me I'm dreaming, and everything will be ok when I wake up. No more death, no more pain, no more tears. Please.
I don't know what I think. I don't know what I believe. My imagination's dissapeared. Shock?
The parade of marines... so wrong. So sadistic. Evil. Wrong.

No music inside. Not mine. My music's dissapeared. Keep trying to find it. Can't. Guittar feels foreign in my hands. Voice isn't mine. My song's aren't on my tongue. Only other peoples.

Too hot. Too sad. Can't think. That score sheet is wrong. We don't fill out like that. It should be 'home or away' but we put the score. why?
And why did I never notice before? Has anyone noticed?
Probably.
Habbit though.

My pictures are strange too. I see faces in the scribles, and animals. They're just lines.

It'll come back. I'm sure it will. Probably just exagerating.
*sigh*

Blessed be
Lolly xx

Thought for the day:

Warning: Light at end of tunnel may be attached to train.

Found it!

Merry Meet...

*sigh* Gotta sort out the spare room soon. Sasha's having a bit of a rough patch, might need to stay round.
I hate that she can't just open up to me. Even me.

I feel so sick right now though, I don't really want to think about it. I'll leave that for some other time.
I think it's just the fact that my mouth feels wrong - and I hate the taste of blood.
Having Pizza in a min, wonder how good an idea that is.
All I've had today is soup and some mint poppets. Pizza is starting to sound alluring.

Could do with an Aza glomp right now, but I don't think I could stand to be touched. I hate it when I feel this bad.


Well - Be Cool is coming on, and I'm going to watch it with my mummy and eat some pizza.
Hopefully everything will be okay.

Blessed Be
Sophia xxx

Okay, so, no more tooth ache. Infact - no more tooth.
Made an emergency appointment this morning and they whipped the stupid thing out.
I'm starting to get some feeling back in that side of my mouth - but it feels so weird.

Jesus those needles are huge! I know they don't go in very far or anything, but I was nearly bobbing my pants!

I actualy whimpered. Sad or what?

It chrunched all the way when she pulled it out, and I found a little peice of it still in my mouth not long ago - but no pain!!

Only got about 3 hours sleep last night - and not all in a row - and I must have cried from pain more than I've ever done before. Normaly it's emotional things that make me cry - pain just makes me cringe, or well up - but I was balling my eyes out!
Probably the combination of pain and lack of sleep after a busy day that did it. But still!


I'm really tired right now, but I don't wanna go to sleep just yet. I've just had soup, and I'm not sure how it'll sit in my tummy right now. There's this huge scab/ pile of blood where my tooth used to be. Not allowed to rinse till tommorow... which is gonna feel so weird.
I now remember what it felt like losing my baby teeth; odd mostly.

I can't believe it's only 12 ish. Spose it's because I've been up since 6 watching cartoons and trying to ignore the pain. I was actualy counting minutes till I could take more pain killers.. ended up taking them early actualy.

I'm nice and relaxed now its out actualy. Apparently the infection had spread from the tooth yet, so I'll be fine. There was no swelling, and the weird bubble effect of the numbing injection thing has just about disapeared.

I'll never forget the feel of it crunching as it came out. Sounded as if the infection had pretty much hollowed the tooth out. I was astonished at how long the root was though! No wonder it hurt so far down.
Speaking of hurting, this isn't the most comfortable feeling anymore. I thought I'd have until 2 or 3 till the numbness went away - but oh no. Had to have 3 extra injections as well to get it numb enough.

Might post a pici of it in a bit. It's SO gross
It was the third one forwards from my bottom right wisdom tooth - but it was only a lickle one, so not only is it pretty much invisible if I'm not pointing it out, but it's also not a huge gap that my tongue can get stuck in!
So glad it's over.

Speaking of over (WOOO) my period is nearly gone!! yay!!
tmi? sorry.


I'm not to have chocolate anymore. Should be fun getting over that addiction...
Other than that, everythings ok. No more teeth need pulling.
Sorry I'm going on, but you have no idea how good it feels for this pain to be gone.
Even if I can't feel all of my mouth...


Other than that, my day's been pretty normal. Read for a bit and listened to music as loud as my headphones go. Thinking about going to see that new movie 'The Robinson Family' (i think thats it's name), just because it looks so funny.

Physics Rocks!

OWWWwwww.

Tooth ache is the worst thing in the world.

I'm SO having it pulled asap. I don't care about that pain - as long as THIS ONE goes away!

Stressed out completely today for a mo - thank the goddess Sasha was there for me, basicaly just saying 'stop being stupid'. My eyes keep going completely out of focus. For instance, right now, all I can see is grey something growing on the screen. If I'm spelling things wrong I appologise.

I think I'm just really tired. This tooth hurts too much to go to sleep though.

I'm trying to type with my eyes closed to conserve energy. Kinda helps that I know where all the keys are off by heart. Especialy the backspace.
I think that - along with the space bar - is the key I use the most.
Did you know that the letters e and i are the most common ones in the english language?
Did you know that the longest word that a person can type using the top line of letters on a keyboard is actualy typewriter. Try it, 'typewriter'... much longer than qwerty hehe.

I don't even think about how my fingers move anymore. It's like when your little and you have to think about what the letters feel like when you write them, remembering the shapes... you just forget about it after a while, and instead of letters, words flow from your pen.
Now I don't have to think about the place of the letters, the words just fly from my hands without me even realising it.

I must be quite a fast typer really. Though I'm not lightning fast, I do find that my parents typing is incredibly slow.
I suppose it's the adverse effect (or is it affect?) of using msn too much. You have to type fast enough so that people get your answer before forgeting their own question and loosing interest.

I suppose Roleplaying kicked it up a notch aswell. When you have to remember to use correct SPaG, it just starts to flow. I can't type fast in chat speak, or txt spk, anymore. I barely every don't capitalise 'I' either... Oh no - I've become the dreaded, most feared creature on earth. The internet junkie with perfect grammar! AH!!



I bought myself yet another notebook today. It's purple. I'm going to write up a couple of my poems / creative writing peices in it. Maybe add some pencil sketches - even though I can't draw to save my life.

I'm starting to think sleep is a good idea... Managed to get my tooth to hurt less. Think it was a combination of the bonjela, ibuprofen, paracetamol and chocolate that did it. Hopefully it'll last long enough for me to get some sleep.

My God, I've just remembered the red moon I saw last night. It was fabulous. Irony - being on ones 'red moon' while seeing a red moon.

Haha, 'Con-Air', "Define irony. A bunch of idiots dancing on a plane to a song, made famous by a band who died in a plane crash..."
Love that quote.

I also love the quote from Equilibrium (technically it's from Yeats...)
"But I, being poor, have only my dreams
I have spread my dreams beneath you.
Tread carefully, for you tread on my dreams"... that's probably slightly wrong, but I'm not too bothered. If I realise within the next 36 hours, I might come back and change it, but I doubt it somehow.

I don't want to move right now. I've found a comfy spot and my tooth isn't hurting... it's just that I don't think it'd be possible to sleep in this position. Infact, I think if I sit like this much longer I'll do more damage than good.

Listening to QI. Mum's watching it, so I'm listening to it. Some of the things you hear on it... you just have to wonder - who on earth decided to bring that much useless information together into a game show??
They were either a genius, or completely insane. Interesting how often those two terms become interchangable.
Ooooh, that's a quote from somewhere too.
I have no original thoughts. I can only regurgitate others... oh goodie, I'm human then.

Well, for now I'll bid you adieu.

All the love my heart posses
Sophia xx

Had a nice relaxing night last night.

Saw Sasha for a bit, then hung out with Arron. Lotsa fun.
Probably should appologise for any nail marks on his arm - though it was kinda his fault! I mean... I was scared of the stupid aliens jumping out constantly.
Yeah, we watch aliens vs Predators. Was quite good - glad Aza was there though... would have had to change channels if he wasn't.

Changed my mind about Will again though. He was being a prick again, and I remembered how much I dislike him!

Have you got anyone who just makes you forget everything? Someone who washes away all the problems and confusions?
I do...
Kinda. Not that he's mine. It's more like I'm his.
(if he wants me..)

*sigh* I'm doing that whole 'cloud nine' thing again, aren't I?
I can't believe I do this EVERY fucking time. I need a new hobby.
*get a grip* 


I'm so sick of this time of the month. Okay - so for me it's pretty much 'time of the year' I'm that regular, but that's not the point.
I woke up this morning and thought I was bleeding from somewhere. I was a bit disorientated and it took me a while to realise my pad had moved.
So scary at first - so DUMB afterwards.


I guess it's silly really, I spend so much time on here, and mostly its just to write this diary.
Dunno why.



I found this realy, really, realy sad peice of writting I'd forgotten I'd done on my PC the other day. I think it's quite evident I was heart broken at the time.
It's kinda strange reading it again, because every word I wrote was pure emotion, and when I read it, the pain is still there, nestled somewhere deep inside, buried. It's as if each shard I refere to is stuck there, cutting me all over again.
I was at quite a low then, so I'd forgotten all about it.
Might post it up here at some point.


Kisses are nice



My tooth hurts lots today. Probably getting an abses again. I'm too much of a whimp to actualy get the tooth pulled though. I know I will get it pulled... just not when I'm this ill. Let me have the abdominal scan first... then I'll go to the dentist.
Tch - it's like pulling teeth, isn't it?

Bad pun, sorry.



"Dreams are sweet when they're about you, but nothing compares to you, your kiss...."

can't remember the rest of that quote. Can't remember where it's even from! lol.


Hmm, I think I'm going to go read for a bit. Stop day dreaming about what was/ could have been/ might be.
Yup - mild paranoia kicking in.

Anyway, I'm off for now.

Blessed be
Sophia xxxx

It's 10 in the morning, but I need to write.

I'm all confused after last nights dreams. Things that I now remember from the dreams seem disjointed, unrelated, confused... but I have this feeling of continuity - I know that they all morphed effortlessly together.
But none of them seem related to what happened yesterday. There's nothing indicating the shinning. Or anything we DID either...
At one point I was Nicholos Cage... doing the most boring stuff ever - like sorting cutlery, in a supermarket...

So much of my dream was weird, mundane crap... one of them I was supposed to be part of a game show thing, but I didn't have any clothes on, so I had to go find some...
(Ok, so I know where that one came from - it was a half awake dream... but hey!)


*big sigh* I just wish... I understood. So much is going on in my head right now - and none of it makes sense... and what DOES make sense ... *sigh* such a mess.

I can't escape this hell. So many times I've tried, but I'm still caged inside. Somebody get me through this nightmare...

Shit - qouting 3DG again.

I just wanna know how I feel again. It's as if my emotions have become something foriegn that I can neither understand nor control.
Am I just a complete bitch? Is that what my dreams are telling me?

It's not as if I've never noticed before... there's a conection between us... but what is it??
Sorry - I've probably lost you at this point... but sucks to be you then.
Sometimes its as if... as if there could be a hell of a lot more. But the explinations... they could be completely true.
Normaly I'd take which ever I wanted to be true and read what I want into things... but this is important. I can't fuck this up - you know? They're too special to me.
But special how?
If I could think straight this would be so much easier! God damn it!

I could always ask... but then I'd just go along with whatever... and do I want to do that?

I've been hurt by people so much... can I have the courage to just... ask?
And what if asking ruins what we have?
Am I even ready to take it to the next level?

If I were actualy dating Arron, I'd know what to do... if I were even god damn sure how I felt about him - let alone how he felt about me.
See its the opposite with Arron - completely physical. I let my body just react to him... I don't even think - until it's gettin real heavy - then I have enough wits about me to pull back a little.
But with them... I love their mind. Okay - so I'd like to see them naked... but... it's not my instant thought when I think about them.

I'd love to say I don't know how they feel, but it is kinda obvious. It's me I'm not sure about. Could I handle a REAL relationship??
I mean... not just a guy who wants physical attachment. The whole sh'bang.
Am I ready for that?

Bah - too stressed to think properly.

Think I need to just... get my books, chill, concentrate on just centering myself. I'll work out what I want later. It's not urgent.

I think my problem is that I love everyone too much. I can't tell when it crosses that line.


Mum's so ill at the moment. There's nothing I can do, and it hurts so much. It feels like... like I've spent all this time in wicca just trying to find a way to make her better; and I haven't found one.
Science doesn't have the answers, I've lost my faith in it completely. Watching her deteriorate into pain is half killing me. I've not told anyone before just how much it hurts. Ever since I was little, all I wanted to do was make her better - and I never could. I dont think I ever will.

I can't believe I'm actualy writing this.

I guess that's the silly thing though. There's all these personal things welling up inside me, and I guess this is like therapy. Not many people read my diary anyway - it's too long and boring and... well... personal.

I think the allure of Will is kicking in again. Something simple. Something I know inside and out. If he were closer... but he isn't.
He's not the answer to my questions, even if I really wish, hope and dream, he'll never be what I need.
Or would he be?
God I'm always second guessing myself!
No wonder nobody understands how I feel - even I don't!
Jesus, I must send such mixed messages to everyone! No wonder all this keeps happening. Nobody can tell what's going on in my head...

Ugh. I feel like such an idiot.
I've cried so much writting this diary. Especialy this entry.

Well, dad'll want the computer soon, so I'll just say farewell for now.
Love you all.

blessed be
Sophia xx

I'm going out today. Me and Beth are at Kiki's... dunno how good an idea that is since I'm still feeling like a big pile of poo.

No one was talking to me last night. I was sat all alone, no one txt me except kiki... not even Will - and he's god damn obsessed... or he was.     *sigh*

One is supposed to be the loneliest number... is it?

I' BAAACK!!

"Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life"

PS: I'm not this crazy - honest