Good evening diary. My emotions have been on the fritz for the past few days. But I think I'm starting to come to terms with all of this.
Love is pain. And sometimes guys push me to wish that I was gay. But, unfortunately, I'm not that lucky.
I ran into my recent ex at the battle of the bands yesterday after breaking the no talking/texting rule earlier that morning. I was only supposed to text him if I really needed him. Apparently my needs weren't important enough becuase he said it was stupid and that I shouldn't have texted him. Which is sort of true. I shouldn't have texted him. But it was important to me. It upset me that he acted that way.
So anyway. I saw him. He was happy to see me because he's just like that. But it definitely ruined my good time.
After a while Ashley, him, and I (Ashley is my best friend by the way) went off to talk. Because I hadn't talked to him in a while I had all these things I wanted to say. He was not amused and he asked me why thse things were relevant to anything. He's been getting mean lately. Then he said that him and I should start seeing other people.
Ok listen here diary, breaking up usually means seeing other people. So he just tried the goddamn knife. And it really was the last thing I wanted to hear.
So I shut down. I was also a little embarassed that he would put me in a corner like that in front of Ashley.
He got mad that I wouldn't talk about it and stormed off. He didn't come back. I cried. We left. End of story.
Or is it.
I called him today to get things straightened out. I needed an end to my suffering in silence. (Poetic, I thought) Anyway. He was angry when he answered the phone. I was super chill for some reason (that never happens. I'm usuall the one bawling and blubbering and yelling) but he was just cutting me down at every curve. It's frustrating talking to someone who's acting like that.
But I told him that I apologized for the way I've been acting. He accepted. But he was still mad. I told him how recent things he said made me feel. It just made him angrier becuase, I know this now, that he really doesn't love me anymore.
It's hard to admit that. Even to you diary. But that's how it is.
I will never talk to him again. Well I might exchange pleasantries later in life. But I can't be with someone who doesn't want me. We'll never be together again and I understand that. And we certainly can't be friends. And that's the worst of all. Because he's beautiful. And just...well...perfect.

Hello diary. My supposed true love just broke up with me. But we decided to do the traditionally stupid thing and be friends. Because face it. I love him. More than he could ever imagine. And I know for a fact that he loves me too. We care for each other and need each other just as much as we did before, when we were together.
We walked for a long time last night (he broke up with me yesterday) and got out everything we've been needing to say. Really the only reason we broke up was because we both need to get our shit together. I just wish that we could have done it as a team like we do everything else.
He says that he is my life and he doesn't want it to be that way. He wants me to be more independent. He listed off all these things I need to do for myself. Like get a job and a car and be 18. All things that I CAN"T DO. It gets me really angry that all those things are the reason I'm alone right now.
I've been looking for a job since I finally got my permit a month or more ago. But becuase I live in the one state in the country with the shittiest economy and the least jobs available, I'm jobless. And poor. Which killed me when him and I were together becuase he always had to pay for things. When I did have money I spent it all on him. It was worth it. Worth his happiness.
But it wasn't enough. It will never be enough, I swear it won't.
I need to get out of this soul crushing house and live on my own. Even if it's in a cockroach infested apartment that may or may not have e coli growing in the darkest corners. I just need to get away.
I need so many things. A job. A car to get to said job. Money saved. A place of my own. All these things that are just out of reach.
It's so hard to keep a straight face and to deal with all this without anyone knowing I'm starting to sweat. All yesterday I had to struggle not to break down and scream and sob becuase I was just dumped by "the one".
And it's not like I'm one of those stupid teenage girl that thinks she found the one. I know I did. You just know these things. Him and I even talked about it. Though it was never said out loud, we both knew.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I really don't.