Laying on the ground wrapped in my comfortable black blanket with my dog curled inside my blanket towards my feet, there's silence. Sadness fills the airfor a moment as old thoughts run through my mind. Then, a smell from a mysterious and unknown place fills the room. It smells of flowers, but not just any flowers... The smell of flowers that was specifically worn by my grandmother many years ago.
.. She had died in '99 and I have not had this smell around since. A small gust of cold wind floats over the room suddenly. The air conditioner is not on... Slowly now, the beautiful smell floats away, leaving no current memory of it's presence. What once was a mind full of sadness is now an open mind, a clearer mind... An inspired mind.

Today must be one of my few "inspired writing" days:

I find it hilarious how one person can change your entire life. I sat around blaming myself for everything for so many years. Between forming a nightly ritual of crying before going to sleep to shutting everybody out because you don't even know if you can trust yourself anymore... It becomes a blur. I have missed so many opportunities that I wish I could get back. I don't feel normal and as much as I've tried pushing past it, people along the way always remind me why I am this way in the first place; but there's nobody like the first person who scarred me into thinking everybody is bad. Thinking that everybody just wants to hurt me and tear me down... That I'm nothing but a decoration in life and that I don't deserve to be here. The only question left if what exactly is left... What will really help me past this when I have tried every tactic known to man. I had a therapist cry thanks to the stories I've told, which by all means is not a good sign, before telling me she is sorry she is baffled.

I hope you're having a great time. . With your drugs and booze and nasty hoo-hah's, while I can't sleep... I can't bring myself to trust a living soul... and I can't even enlighten myself to pick myself up off the floor sometimes. Emotionally scarred has become an understatement...

Have you ever tried going out after turning 21 and being so afraid to dance and mingle that you sit in a corner and cry for four hours? Imagine having the fear of everything closing in... Everybody staring. Laughing. Surrounding you with nothing, but a terrible paranoia-enhancer. I have; just because I'm terrified that everybody's out to get me.

So how about next time, I ask for help... Or cry. Or scream, throw things, ask for a friend... You don't tell me I'm stupid. How about you don't tell me I'm retarded for feeling that way or that I need therapy. How about trying to realize how many times I've thought of "a way out" only to realize I didn't want to leave the few people I have sad and let down just because I didn't want to do it anymore.

Yeah. You're welcome.

PS: YOU are stupid, ignorant (*unacknowledged ), need therapy, should get over yourself, should stop being selfish. should just kill yourself, oh... and cry yourself to sleep every single night thinking everybody HATES you.

I have people ask me all the time what I want to do before I die. Upon being asked this, I ponder for a long time... I could do a lot with my life. I could skydive, write a book, sing a song, roll in mud... Only one thing seems to make sense. I want to change one persons life drastically. I want to be remembered for helping just one person; whether it's saving their life or making something happen.