i got beaten up by someone i trusted and know im gonna have to take them to court but its gonna be so hard coz i still care about him....even though he broke my nose, gave me two black eyes, a fractured rib and so many bruises on my arms that it looks like they were painted black and blue!
i mite be pregnant with his baby so thats gonna be even harder to deal with if i am!
i dont know wat to do anymore, graham is't talking to me, but when he is its just a hi or ok! the one person that i thought wud never hurt me has.....i have to go and drink some vodka now so i can try and forget about all this fucked up shit, you mite see me again or mayebe not...if not then bye and good-luck in the futurexx
today i gave in....but the people i know thibk im doing ot for attention! you only have to read this fucking diary to see that i dont...i want everyone to leave me alone but they cant, they have to cause shit for me....
it would of been karl's birthday today...and i keep thinking about what we would of been doing:( *cries*
well i still miss karl like mad, ive so badly want to ring him up and tell him how i am! but i cant...but in sum weird fucking way i know hes looking down on me and looking out for me(like my guardian angel!
apart from that i went out clubbing last nite and i got my drink spiked so i ended up in hospital, but my so called mate thinks i faked having an ashma ataack!!!! fucking wanker!!!
im so confused at the moment...its getting harder and harder to resist...all i get every day is shit...the only thing i looked forward to is seeing graham but that cant happen anymore, coz hes gone:(
*cries* i just wish there was something i could do to make him stay with me....and to make all the horrible memories go away...help me sumone
this was on somenons page, its exactly how i feel....
Play with me
Polish me, dress me up
Then slap me around,
Cast me aside when you get bored...
There will always be new toys.
But when you get bored,
I'll be here
I'm just a toy...
DARKNESS
darkenss surrounds me; pain is all i feel
like im drowning in this air i breathe, is any of it real?
emotions overcome me; i cut but dont feel the pain
the storm of my life; my tears are the rain
people all around me; hurrying to pass me by
while im stuck in this moment slowlt waiting to die
the ones i love seem to always go away
its just not fair, why do they leave and i stay?
lifes full of joy and happiness or so they say
no-one ever wants to talk about the corruption and the pain
if the world is so perfect then why do i want to leave?
if everything is expected than why do i cover my arms with sleeves?
does it scare you to see the marks on my fears when you see these cuts do you realise my tears
i stand in a crowded room and yet i stand alone
i live in a house and yet it ist a home
no-one could feel the wat i do
i loved you so much
look what you do!
the thought of your touch
the vision of your smile
it drives me to do this it drives me wild
just say those words that you love me again
i'll put down the blade and never cut again
i want to be away from reality and the cruelty
i see my loved ones that have passed me by, it has come to this
for your love
i died
where do i start?
recently ive moved to newcastle, away from my friends and family and my baby (you know who you are :p)
i thought if i moved away i would get better but im not...i cut my arms again which is really stupid i know, but i had no-one to talk to..i thought if i moved away it would help me get over someone but it hasn't i just miss him even more :( im about to cry right now so i'll go..
I get a funny feeling,
it comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
wanting to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,
my dad says it's just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,
no one will ever be able to see.
Some say I'm psycho,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
and the old me just disappeared.
I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
followed by feeling sad.
I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day.
Why do I smile at the sound of your voice?
Why do I let you take over me as if I had no choice?
Why do I let you touch me in places never touched?
Why do I like to have you around so much?
Why do I melt at the tenderness of your kiss?
Why do I feel like I could live forever like this?
Why do I put my heart in your hands?
Why do I answer to your every demand?
Why do I tell you leaving me is not your wrong?
Why do I let you know with out you I'm not quite as strong?
Why do I take you back even though I know it's not right?
Why do I feel like I should please you by not putting up a fight?
Why do I care about you even though you hurt me?
Why do I turn my head from what's plain reality?
Why do I try to hide from what is true?
Why do I still have these feelings for you?
How can I say I'm sorry
When I know that you don't care?
Now that I have done you wrong
How can I say these feelings that I share?
I cannot say I love you
Or that I really truly care,
'Cause my words would mean as much to you
As a layer of thin air.
How can I say good-bye
Must I face my worst fear?
Must I lose all of these feelings
That I hold so near?
How can I let go
Of a love that was so true?
How can I forget these feelings
That I still hold for you?
Why can't I say good-bye?
Even when I was wrong
To think that these feelings
Could last forever long?
But I guess it's really over.
I'm left alone and so sad,
Yet I still think of us
And all the times we had.
Maybe in the future
We can sort this all through,
But until then, my dearest love
I'll say one last "I love you."
who will cry?
if tonight i die,
who will cry?
strangers with their feigned interest,
while those i love have turned away.
and if my best is't good enough,
what more can i give?
go ahead--walk away
just leave me here alone.
and if tonight i die,
who will cry?
all my strength is drained,
with nothing left to give.
drowning in the depths of sorrow,
no tears left to cry.
a silent voice and distant eyes
that no-one hears or sees
and if tonight i die,
who will cry?
this is for my baby (you know who you are)
you are truly beautiful no matter what you feel inside,
people really love you
even though you just want to die
inside your going crazy
you feel your losing your kind and depresion eats your soul
inside is everything you hide
you feel alone
like there is no-one at your side
you need someone to confide in
yet you don't know where to begin
let me tell you a story of my life...maybe i can help, at least let me try..
i am depressed, suicidal and confused. i neveeer let anybody in for i am also scared within.i slit my wrists and cry myself to sleep.
i feel like im a faliure at everything i do.i never want to waake up and face pain so im constantly hitting snooze..i know exactly how you feel, so listen....
i wont let you feel like you have nobody, when you want to give up, when you really need someone near please remember that im always here.nobody deserves this pain so i'll do my best to survive...choo
This is the very first poem i ever did, hope you like it....
Let me go....
His horns are as red as blood
His eyes are like a flickering fire
He's angry,mad
He wants to punish me
for being unhappy
he's killing me i'm dying inside
the fire has been let out
it's running wild
i wish i was happy
happy like him, like everyone else
he visits me everynight
when i'm sleeping
he only lets me live so he can punish me
i want to sleep and never wake up
then he can tell me things i never knew
he dies when i die, i want to die
he wants to live forever
he wants me to suffer,like him
i understand what he wants
but he doesn't.....