[WeirdMindOfFesh]'s diary
O-kay... to asll of my friends that may wonder in the next coming weeks... I hve decided that i am not taking any medications of mind other than my shit for Migranes... the erst of the other shit (hert meds, blood pressure and bipolar meds) can well all take a hike... SO if i get sick for a long time and do not come on and answer shit you all can just assume that i am either
1.)dead
2.)near death
3.)In the hospital because it got damn bad.
I have been on the meds far to long without and change... So i serioulsy question the meds have been taking... anyway it is lust as a close friend of mine said... The are slowly poisoning me... I have come to beleive that that is indeed the fucking case... so yeah for the next month just dont assume that you are going to hear from me or that i am alive... It would be in your best intrest if you did so... Futher more if i come to find out that i am happier this way... I wont ever take them again... Even if it kills me faster, i much rather be ahppy than be in pain all the time...
got to go
reply if this concerns you or if you wanna say anythign about it
~Dark Ange~
yes this means something but you are not getting it out of me
My star has burnt out and thy light is gone. i represant all that has nothing to do with life and nothing to do with death. i feel that i am neither that which is dead but not that which is alive either. I am what i call there, standing one the side line watching as each moment of life goes slipping by soundly. i feel that i am that of which seaks that of nothing but everything at the same time. How and i to know that is to come next? how an i to know what has passed? how am i to know what i am doing? That is easy: I dont. I dont care to either for there is not a reason to hold on to what are call simple HUMAn justers. i am not what others want me to be i know that but i also know that i am not what i want to be. Though i am not going to cry about it, it is my own fault and i take it as unto such.
My starlight that once shined and lead others has faded as i have lost that what i fought to keep. though i gave it away knowing that i had to i stiull lost that which gave me my light. to those which are reading this and are lost i am sorry, but to those few that read this and are NOT lost there is a reason that you are not and that would be because you are incredabully close, you are the person, or you just live near to me and are my world baisacly said. to that person that this is about: I know that I do not show that i feel so sad about what i have done but i do. It sint like i am a heartless bithch that people think that i am i am just lost and trying to do what i think is rite to do in this life that is all. I may be lost and very mislesad but i know that i will find my way. i know that the one that i wanted by my side as i did this is no longer there and i know that you can not be here. Not because you dont care but because we know both that i need to do some things on my own. I know that and well a great many others know that. this road that i am living on and leading is long and whinding, troubling and i know that once i reach the end one day i will be again happy and not so pissed. i wont be so lost and i will know what i am trying to do just like people want me to. As i strive each day to become better i also become lost in that which is not meant to be. i know this and i know that i am working my way through this. i know that i am not what i once was. I am happy and sad because of that. i know that i have probably lost you for a shor while and i know that when i get you back i will be most joyus not in the means of love mostdefantaly but s friends or anything wlse like unto that. i know that what i have wrote my be read by all of my friends. and i know that i am writing and applying to a few people. and as they read tis they may question whom they are. so i want to name those few people that i wowe my life to. becaruse they are why i am here. they are the reason that i am the way i am becoming and they are the reason that i am hapier and admiting that i am doing better but it is a slow road to do better. joshua Shinn, Jeff Blair, and Chris Albers, I thank you!!!
Life sucks and you know it. Nothing ever turns out okay, nothing ever goes your way and while you have to live this horrible life the gods are laughing at you. The whole meaning with life, according to you, is simply to die. But you have not become this way just like that, you have probably been decieved, betrayed and hurt by people who meant alot to you in your past. To you, life is not even bittersweet.
Your wise quote is: "Reality bites with a variety of sizes of teeth"(-Tony Follari)
As a person, you think life is just plain painful, horrible and everything else you don't like. Happy people confuse you. Alot. I mean, why are they so happy anyway? You are depressed and perhaps utterly alone and live life rather montone. You feel there is no reason to really be here and feel helpless.
Your connection with darkness is through your interest in vampires. Theese occult beings fascinates you. Their lives are just something you would kill for, and if you would have the opportunity to be sired, you would. Living a mortal kind of life is just so ordinary and boring. You aren't necessarly evil just because of this interest/obses
Your soul is dead.
You've probably been through one too many rough times in your life which has eaten you up from the inside. Now there's nothing more to eat from since you just don't care anymore. Life is meaningless and you live it like a zombie. The good thing though is that you cant be hurt, since you are so distant from the emotional world. Love is something you dont understand or just dont remember. If it was up to you, your life would already be over, but it doesn't make you suicidal. You are probably alone most of the time, looking at the world with a blank stare. The yearning to feel alive and be happy has simply gone away. What's left now is only the shell of what used to be you.
Your element is Darkness. You are the truly evil one with a black heart and no soul. People avoid you since you cause so much trouble and enjoy seeing others in pain. You would like nothing more than to rule this earth and be hailed by all. Everyone is annoying and stupid anyway and are a waste of oxygen. You are probably a cast-away from society and family and have had a tough life where you learned to live the hard way. Now you want revenge on your pain and can no longer feel love nor care. You do not wish to befriend anyone and you certainly do not wish to be in love. As a student of having learnt everything the hard way, you tend to be manipulative when you want something for yourself. In your head there is only you that matters, and why shouldn't it? No one cares about you so why should you? In school you probably ditch classes and go somewhere else instead of sitting in a classroom. It is not that you are stupid, because you're probably very smart, but everyone annoy you. And having to sit in the same room, breathing the same air as your enemies is not desired by you. Rate and message!
You need someone loyal.
People have let you down since forever and you have always been left by yourself. Your life spark is now barely flickering and there is a big feeling of emptiness and hopelessness. You don't know what to do anymore in your life and everything has a sense of meaningless to it. Though you're not only sad, you also carry hate and many grudges on people. You have a hard time letting people in, but with your history you don't even desire that so much anymore.
Explanation: Unlike everyone else you can change your body materia and transform into anything (e.g. an animal). This can be used in good purposes for infiltrating evil headcuarters or adjust your physical abilities by transforming and therefor do better in battle. If turned to the evil side, a transfomer could manipulate the "good guys" by looking like their loved ones and break them down.
As a person you are dissapointed with life. You have not so many interests anymore and has become depressed. Of course you can be happy, but your happiness subsides quickly and don't last very long. You isloate yourself from people since you think they would only hurt you, but some part just wants someone equal who understands the pain. When you transform it gives you freedom and you can be anything but yourself. You often pity yourself but don't let people come near and know what's going on with you. But the thought of opening up and risking being betrayed is too strong and intimidating to even try.
Negative aspects: You carry much hate to the world and yourself and in the long run this could lead to dangerous thoughts (suicide/cuttin
How can you all say you know me for me when you are so surprised when i do something weird or out of the ordanary? If you truely knew me you would know that you can NEVER know what to expact with me. I am an predictabul and i am not of the usal and i am not like any other that you will lay your eyes upon of hear the voice with you ears. You cannot say that i am a child of the light. that would be to lie. You cannot say that i am a child of god, for that is yet again a lie. I am not a bright child, but at the same child i am not dull(not in intellagence but in mood). I carry not a frown but not a smile. I am that of the grey, that of no mood that of the shadows. I am nothing in the eyes of most and to those that i am not i am as the say something , i have to say this to them, You have let you heart, feelings or what ever else mislead you. You have been lied to and misspoken to because i am nothing but air. Notihg but a fool that is folded into a shape of a female and set upon this world. I am a dark aura i am a dark being of hate. I cannot know love from many. I only know if and will only feel it from one being. That is it no more and nonless until that being bring helps bring another being in to this world from us and us only. Other things would be said but there is no need you see because there is not worth reading a journal of a loser and a nobody!
In your eyes,
people can't seem to see anything because your eyes are covered up by tears! You are constantly hurt and depressed... No one seems to understand how you feel because everyone is scared to get close to you... You long to be able to reach out and tell someone everything, and all of your problems... But you have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to want to hear what you have to say. You've been hurt many times that you don't seem to have any tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an endless river flowing... You've started to hide and bottle up all or your problems and feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go away... You want company, but at the same time, you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your room where you can just be alone and try to throw away all of your aching pains. You're dark and mysterious and people like you for that reason. Even if you think you're all by yourself in the dark, someone is always there with you. Your special someone wants to admit and show their feelings towards you, but they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out more and enjoy life because, it is far too long to frown your way through :)
Crystal Rain
All I know is a world full of pain
locked inside, an eternal crystal rain
falling from the heavens
shattering like mirrors
bringing the reflection
of a thousand lovers' tears
All I can see is a world full of pain
Tainted
With a few words, my heart is torn,from my pain, only sorrow is born...
Finally, behind the lies, my life I can see,
dreams collapsed, there is no hope for me...
Words of love, tarnished - lie, all they burn,
once love - now gone, forever, ashes to turn...
All those lies, in front of my eye, now flashes,
what once were my love, now only remain in ashes...
Tainted ashes of love, only feed the seeds of lie,
blown in the wind, to seek a victim, a heart to die...
pounding in my mind, the insistent crystal rain
falling to the oceans
it is brought back to the land
as a misted breath
upon a dying lover's hand
All I can feel is an infinity of pain
falling on my face, a somber crystal rain
one with the storm
I rage and toss
filled inside
with my dead lover's loss
Save Me
When buzzing silence is the only sortof music my care-weary ear can stand,
and I become a hairy, pus-filled wart
that shames the muse's lovely powdered hand-
When walls remove me from the pressing crowd,
suppress me with their invisible load,
my hands become too big, my voice too loud,
I sit lost on dusty foreign roads
friendless, devoid of meaning, all drawn in
from contact needed from those I repell
because I feel boorish, painfully thin,
and on my magnified faults I must dwell-
These times I yearn for you to save me, you
can soothe this pain, and help me make it through
A Smile of Bone
I demand an explanation.Yesterday's sunshine lit the darkest recesses of
my honeycombed synapses like light that strikes
a cathedral's stonebound altar with gold.
New hope flitted hummingbirdlik
failure, drinking lessons from each morbid cup.
I demand an explanation.
All felt lovely, cased in a velvet sheen
with no threat of peeling off. Yet so it has-
and beneath is brittle, ugly bone.
Today, 20 degrees, night fell on afternoon
with a resounding silence quite unlike
Spring; I stumbled through too many dreams
alone into public like some psycho Robert Lowell,
all new perspective lost in the shallow grief
of lonliness and watched the students dance
out of the bar and into each other's orifices
over a cooling cup of coffee. My bones
clutched the cup, my flesh swallowed smoke as
a sorority girl divulged to me a smile of bone,
bulging flesh painfully stretching her veined skin.
Explain why visions of soft bodies curved
in inspired rhythms struck me then, with
a wet slap like a banana peel across the cheek.
Profusions of over-luscious breasts,
cherry-aureola peaked like a sundae,
smothered washboard stomachs. The chocolate
mounds below whispered their dank mysteries.
It's unjust to undress the whole mass of bodies
jammed in the bar rush for my eyes. Yesterday,
so many sweet hypocrisies slithered unperceived
behind the oh-too-perfect scenes. I applaud
this facade that swathes the soul with skin.
To see below to bone, a meticulous map of sin,
is too foolhardy for one so image fooled as me.
What, what forced me to chart each light chat,
look beyond the core to darkness where blood
pumped more air to each pair of lying lips?
Tell me; I'll buy it all and burn it.
Those brains must have withered smothered
in the hairspray that fakes airy mountains
on each girl's expensive scalp. Brain must feed
muscle as fat hardens with beer in armwrestling
boors slamming Coors with funnels
down yearning gullets. Nothing is worse
than to look beyond the mask, and find nothing.
Why steal innocent illusions of truth, take
the naturally floral view I mistake, and crush it?
I demand an explanation.
"I love you" whispered the razor
As its blade kissed my flesh.
It's sweet carreses;
The pain and pleasure;
Soon I'll be able to rest.
The fountain of red
Flowing from my wrist
Takes away my sorrow;
It washes away my pain.
This is my last wish.
The heat of my rage
Rushing from my body;
The pounding of my aching heart
Starting to slow finally.
My time has come and I'll soon be free.
This is the end for me.
The love of the razor
Has finally set me free.
An affair that lasted for years
Has ended with my life
Love has killed me
I'm an angel with crimson wings of blood
Trapped in the purgatory of my own demise
Let me save you
Before you die like me
Before love is the one you desipe.