[Child of God]'s diary

111144  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2008-01-30
Written: (6140 days ago)

As some of you know, I have been struggling for the past couple of years with a pornography addiction. I have spoken to many who also share this addiction and feel, as I do, that it is wrong. As such, I've created a forum for those who are struggling with pornography addictions and maybe need some support in their struggle. Anyone who is also struggling with a pornography addiction and wants to overcome this addiction, feel free to check out http://www.nabble.com/PAA-f30781.html

109772  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-12-25
Written: (6177 days ago)

Wow!! It's been so long since I've been on here! I'm so sorry to all my friends I've been neglecting this year, as well as those of you who belong to my wikis. It's been a very difficult year for me in general.

Suppose I should fill you all in, since I haven't talked to you in over a year;

1. Some of you might remember that at the start of last year a couple who are extremely close friends of mine had a close call. The husband got extremely sick with a kidney stone which was so big that even lasers and sound waves couldn't break it down enough. Surgery resulted in him going into septic shock...twice, nearly killing him both times. After 5 months with a stone the size of a golf ball, they were finally have to go in successfully in surgery.

2. Due to an injury at work, I had to quit my job in Feburary, meaning I had no income for rent and bills. I couldn't file for workers compensation because Tim Hortons changed the documentation and where I was injured is in the camera's blind spot (go figure), so I had no proof for an appeal.

3. My grandmother, who lives with me (for those of you who don't know; I live alone April to September and my grandmother lives with me during the fall and winter), got deathly ill and almost died. I lived in a hotel for almost 2 weeks, but thank the Lord, she got better and made a full recovery

4. Because grandma was sick, I had to pay her half of the bills plus my own without a job, so I took a catering and telemarketing job (which lasted only 3 weeks cause I had major ethical problems being a telemarketer).

5. The stress of the telemarketing job was making me too sick because of the stress, so I quit that job and took a job as a cook at Kelsey's, as well as began training to be a support worker for Christian Horizons (www.christian-horizons.org) while still working the catering job. For almost 3 months, I worked 3 jobs, 16-20 hours a day.

6. Had to counsil some close friends and do 7 suicide interventions over the course of the summer

7. In August, I had a nervous breakdown and almost committed myself to St. Joseph's hospital (for those of you who don't know I've been fighting depression for the past 10 years. The depression is caused by a chemical impbalance, but the imblanace for the longest time couldn't find it's cause in an recognizable medical condition.)

8. Finally found out at the end of August that the reason for much of my medical problems is Polycystic Overian Disease (POCS) and Adrenal Congenatle Disease. Both are completely treatable, but I have very advance stages because of how long it took to diagnose me with it. Before these results came back, which took into the middle of September, I was told there was a good chance it was overian cancer. (Thank the Lord it was only the two aformentioned diseases instead.) Turns out it was my POCS that was causing the imbalance which has been causing the depression I've been fighting since puberty)

9. Went on anti-depressants to try and help me to focuse in school, but the pills affected the POCS, making the depression worse and almost resulted in me starting to cut again. Almost.

And finally.....

10. Quit all my jobs except support worker, love my job, am being treated for my diseases and have found anti-depressants and anti-anxiety to deal with the imbalances until my body can do it on its own. Got behind in school but managed to still come out this semester with a decent enough marks that I should stil be able to keep my scholarships and Dean's List.

So, that's my year in a nutshell! I'll be talking to you all again in the New Year when I get my computer working again (I'm at home on my dad's at the moment).

Merry Christmas to all of you and all the Blessings for the New Year!

95432  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-02-25
Written: (6479 days ago)

Yet another freaky dream.



Crystal and I were going for a car ride, just randomly before heading home. We had decided to head home as a suprise for mom and dad, but thought we'd have some fun along the way. We were out in the middle of no where, farm country hardcore. Suddenly, is though a sudden hole appeared in the tank, we were out of gas, right in front of this old farmhouse. It was almost dark, and there was a large gate in front of the home. There was no cell-phone reception in the area, so we had no choice but to ask the owners of the house for help.

I had a really bad feeling about it. Really, really bad.

We knocked on the door, and a very creepy, tall, bald man answered the door. He did not smile, did not have really any facial emotion, and his eyes looked dead. There was a woman standing behind him. We told them how we had run out of gas and asked if we could use their phone. The man replied that they did not have a phone. We asked maybe if they had any spare gas we could either get or buy from them so that we could get to a house that had a phone. The man said nothing as he stepped out, closed the door and started walking toward an older wooden building, supposedly a shed. Crystal and I looked at each other, but said nothing and followed the guy from a distance. When we approached the shed, I told Crystal to wait outside the shed, which she did, and stuck my head in. I just barley saw him come at me with the axe, and had just enough time to pull my head of of the doorway. I yelled at Crystal to run, and turned to run after her. I couldn't run fast enough though, because the man swung the axe and hit me on my right-hand side, causing excruciating pain and almost hitting bone. I fell to the ground and tried to get up but couldn't. The man stood over me, and he didn't say anything even though a malicious male voice was speaking something. I couldn't really hear what he was saying, but could hear the voice none-the-less. The man raised the axe over his head to finish me off, and swung but I didn't feel it hit. He must have thought I was either dead, or good as dead, because he dropped the axe and starting walking over to where his wife was holding my sister. I tried to move, to do something, but I couldn't. I knew I should be dead, or dying, but I didn't feel like I was. I could hear my sister screaming as he dragged her away. When I was alone in the front yard, I could feel myself starting to loose consciousness and the pain started to subside. I remember praying, saying "Please God, I have do to something. Please, Crystal needs help. I don't care what it takes or what happens to me, please God save my sister."

Just as I was about to slip, I heard a voice telling me to get up. I told the voice that I tried but couldn't. Again the voice told me to get up. I tried again to get up, but couldn't. A third time, the voice told me to get up, saying that if I wanted to save my sister, I had to get up. I pushed myself again, harder then I had before, to the point of tears But I still couldn't get up. I closed my eyes and said "God I can't do this on my own, I need your help please." As soon as I said that, I felt a hand grab mine and pull me up, but I couldn't see anyone. I stood up, and my side was still hurting and bleeding but I could bear it. I debated for a minute on whether I should go get help or try and help Crystal. She might be dead by the time I get back with help. The I remembered when I tried to stand, and realized I couldn't do this on my own; I needed help. I couldn't move very fast, but I managed to get to the car and get my bike off the car and mount it. I started riding the bike and even though I could feel the pain, I rode throughout the night, loosing track of time . The whole time, there was a voice encouraging me and giving me strength to keep going. I was going on a strength not my own, for I had no strength left.

I eventually came to the Wiarton Airport Inn.There was a young teenage girl asked me if I was ok, and I said no, I had to use her phone. Asking her what time it was, she told me it was 4am, one day after I had first started. I called home and dad answered. I cried, telling dad where I was and that he had to come and pick me up so we could go get Crystal from this dreadful place. Dad told me to get a hold of myself, stop acting like such a baby and that my mom would be out to pick me up, since he was too busy for such childish things, then hung up. I was upset over what dad had said, but was thankful that mom was coming. The woman asked me if she should call an ambulance, and I said no, I would go with my sister to the hospital when we got her. She then nodded, but handed me a small first-aid kit and told me to at least patch myself up a bit because I would need to be in top shape.

Patching myself up the best I could, mom came through the door. She asked me if I was ok, If I wanted to go to the hospital first. I said no, that we had to get Crystal. My wound, even though it was really deep, stopped bleeding, and on the car ride out, it was starting to close on it's own. On the way out, mom remarked how it was amazing I had biked so far with such a wound, and I remember telling her that I didn't remember it being this long but then again I wasn't the one biking it. Mom didn't say anything, and I pointed out the house, even though it looked different now. As we pulled in, there were other people, like farmers and their wives from the early 1900s just wandering aimlessly around, almost like zombies. The horrible couple were standing on the deck of the house, just looking straight ahead and not even acknowledging us. As we got out of the car and walked towards the house, the people roaming about looked more and more like distortions and I could tell they were the followers of the couple. They stopped and watched mom and I as we walked up to the bottom of the steps, where the couple finally acknowledged us. They looked much bigger and much stronger than previously. They also looked none-human. The man looked at me coldly, and I could feel chills going up my spine, but I could feel that we didn't have anything to worry about. I had strength that wasn't mine and the couple seemed to feel that. The man remarked that he was surprised that I was still alive, though he should have known better. I told them that we were here for my sister. They told me that if we wanted her, go get her. Walking cautiously up the stairs, mom waited outside while I went in to get Crystal. She looked horrible, terribly pale and her eyes held the same dead look as the people outside, She was impassive and when I told her we had to leave, she walked out without saying anything or showing any emotion. The same malicious voice that I heard when the man had the axe but couldn't understand, spoke to me again. It was accusing me that I left her to save myself, that it was my fault what had befallen her, but I argued with the voice, saying that wasn't true. I went to go get help because I couldn't help her on my own.
"But you still left her."
No, I left her to get help. I came back.
"You still left her to experience these horrible things on her own. "
No, I left to get help. If I had tried to help her on my own I would have condemned us both.
"You left her to save your own skin. She hates you."
She may now, but one day she will understand when I did what I did.
"She will never heal. She is already condemned. You condemned her to her fate."
Nothing is written in stone. She can overcome this, but not on her own.
"She doesn't want your help."
I'm not offering my help, because I can't help her. But I can show her where to get help.
"No! She is mine!"

The voice screamed and violently shoved me out the house door. Just as I fell out, I saw mom grab a glass bottle and hurl it at the couple. It shattered against the woman's face, but didn't leave any mark. The man looked at the mom and asked if she was ok, but in a very impassive, monotone voice. In the same voice, the woman remarked that she thinks a piece of the glass grazed her eye. The couple looked at us simultaneously and I thought, 'oh crap!'
Grabbing mom and Crystal we ran. The car had disappeared, so we ran. I made sure I stayed behind mom and Crystal, while yelling at mom "Why did you do that?!"
"I wanted to hurt the ones that hurt my daughter!" She replied as we ran. The scenery changed and we were running down Taylor street now.
"You can't hurt things them that way! They can't be hurt by people, they only get violent and pissed off when you try!"
"Well now I know that! I didn't know what else to do!" mom yelled back as we ran back where the house should have been, but a vacant lot only stood. The street was abandoned, as were all the houses. A huge crowd were chasing us, both physical and none-physical. I knew that we couldn't outrun them and that mom and Crystal couldn't fight them, so I prayed for help. Crystal and mom suddenly veered off to hide behind a house, but I was told by the same voice that had helped me before to keep running, to lure them away from where Crystal and mom were hiding. I was protected, they were not. So I ran forward and turned the corner, but one man was running faster than the rest of the crowd, morphed into a demon and was overtaking me. Rounding the corner, I saw that there were still people living at the end of that street and if I ran down that way the crowd would start attacking the other people. I asked God what now and He told me to run head first into the crowd. Didn't make sense to me, but I circled around and ran head-first into the demon that was ahead of the crowd. We hit hard and I went down, smacking my head on the cement. My vision got a bit spotted as the demon pounced on me, but the voice told me not to worry, that he had me and just to hang on for a few more seconds. So I tried to cover my face and thrash against the demon who was trying to claw at me with really sharp and long claws but seemed to keep missing me. (He did manage a couple of swipes that hurt like hell). When the rest of the crowd surrounded me, they had all morphed into demons and were getting ready to pounce on me. I closed my eyes and said, "I love you Lord. Do Your thing."
There was a bright flash of light that threw all the demons away from me and blinded them. The voice told me to run now in the direction of mom and Crystal, they were already safe and waiting for me. I ran in the direction but the lead demon from before started to follow me. I ran behind the house and was told I couldn't outrun them right now, and to hide so they would pass by me. I saw a small dip that ran along near the edge of the property, but seemed to be hidden at first sight because of how steep the decent of the dip. I ran down there and pressed myself the hillside, listening to the crowd of demons milling about up top.

There were tiny, tiny bunnies there and I reached out to touch one it bit me and wouldn't let go of my finger. I scowled and whispered "owe" as I tried to get the bunny off, who now looked like a cross with a rat. All the bunnies looked like that and started toward me to bite me. The demon chasing me must of heard my whisper because he jumped down into the dip and slowly advanced towards me. I was scared but didn't move. I remember thinking 'Ok, what now Lord' Just as the demon was about to pounce on me again, the voice said "Don't worry, you mean too much to me for me to let something happen to you."
95085  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2007-02-20
Written: (6484 days ago)

This is just . . . disturbing . . .

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/16/miami.preacher/index.html

I'm all up for freedom of religion . . . but this is too much even for me . . .

91481  Link to this entry 
Written about Wednesday 2007-01-03
Written: (6533 days ago)

Found this on another member's house; it made me cry when I read.

Month One
Mommy, I am only 8 inches long, but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me, you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three
You know what mommy, I'm a girl!! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too, and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four
Mommy, my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes, and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five
You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's an abortion?

Month Six
I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven
Mommy, I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. he is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just...
One more heart that was stopped. Two hands that were stopped from moving. One mouth that can never speak.

 The logged in version 

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