# of watchers: 3
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: Wow Daniel! ^^ that was amazing! If you want I can think of some things to help you improve. ^^
I see here you are fascinated with lightning. Is that your preferred element?
2011-05-18 [GlassCasket]: Thanks :P I dont think its that awesome.
yes,yes it is :D Lightning is the most amazing element EVAR! :P Sure give me your opinions i would loves them.
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: ok let me kinda reread it and find them again XD
2011-05-18 [GlassCasket]: k :D
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: in paragraph 6 after the ambush why does he attack Vlad? Does he not know it's him? Or does he think it is one of the people whom attacked him?
2011-05-18 [GlassCasket]: Tal is skeptical of Vlad the majority of the story and since Vlad was up he thought he was a traitor.
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: ahh ok
you should make that more clear in that area. Even though in the beginning you mentioned its good remind the reader especially if he is accusing a member of the team all the sudden.
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: when he entered the second challenge. describe the surroundings better. It said he sat at the table? Like in a chair but he was pulled on the table by hooks. Are these tables sitting upward? Hard to see what happening.
Another thing is why did it just leave? Let him go???
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: second to last paragraph you say sword. Most people will auto think halbred or broad. Its Katana so make it katana in the beginning and instead of sword use 'steel' or 'blade' :)
2011-05-18 [Yudan Enzeru]: last paragraph :
lightning into Groglack’s torso. The bolts struck
Bad wording we already know he's being shocked so you don't need to explain it again "UNLESS" you are describing it.
Such as The bolts stuck into the core of his body causing his body to convulse and begin to shut down. The brain was the first to go due to the electric impulses
OTHER THAN THAT.. good. but check names and spelling noticed the s=names switched spellings sometimes. lol
2011-05-18 [GlassCasket]: This is actually only the first part so a lot is left unsaid but i appreciate the input :D I'll work it all into the next part.
2011-05-20 [Yudan Enzeru]: yey! ^^ *hug*