i had such an amazing weekend. :) Jordan and Alex are by far one of the sweetest people i know. i got seriously depressed and upset when Alex came over because seeing them so happy together made me think of all those wonderful happy times i had with Dustin. but Alex had to screw up and throw a pissy fit and upset Jordan. and as many of my friends know, when the right bottoms are pushed, i turn into a pretty hateful person. i told Jordan to go for a walk and i would talk to him. the first thing i brought us was how he was losing something important and turning into another Dustin. he DID NOT like hearing that. him and Dustin have hated each other every since elementary school and after Alex saw how Dustin treated me, his hate for Dustin has only doubled. anyways, he started to disagree but i swiftly slapped him across the face as he began to protest. now crying, i continued to yell at him that he need to stop looking to the bad in Jordan and to start only looking at the good. he was shocked and silent, allowing me to throw my rage-filled speech at him. after i finished, he was crying also. he told me how much he loved her and how he was lucky to have someone like me care for their happiness so much. i felt good helping them. :) maybe now he sees that what he was doing is wrong and will finally be sweet to Jordan like he should! :D as the day continued, we joked and played around and even had some pizza hut pizza. our conversation took a side road down memory lane. we spoke of Dustin and how odd he had been acting lately. he had been spreading rumors about me and had even started dating one of my best friends. i concluded that this was his way of tormenting me.. but i failed to mention how it was working. Alex took notice to this. i told them how i hated Dustin and how he had ruined me. Alex however, didn't buy it no thanks to the talk i had with him. "you still love him and you know." ugh.. i hated hearing those words. i had that sickening feeling again.. in the pit of my stomach.. and my chest felt heavy. i avoided their eyes and only stared at the cold pizza before me until i felt two pairs of arms wrap around me. Alex and Jordan had embraced me, telling me how i'd get my chance and how i'd always have them no matter what. :') i couldn't help but to cry again at how sweet the moment had become. i officially consider Alex as a big brother. thank you guys for reminding me that i'm not alone :)

i'm so sick of him... i never could say it before but i think i can now..
i hate him so much. how dare he torture like this.. i try to be a friend to him even though he broke my heart and he HAS to hurt me by doing all this stupid shit?! "i love you so much but we cant be together.."

"you stupid boy.. i dont want you. i never will... you ruined me.. you seriously made me attempt suicide so many times.."

fuck him.