[Leonedus]'s diary

134448  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2012-01-06
Written: (4102 days ago)

Just a footnote - if you are tagged, it means you are someone of great concern and have earned my respect through some level, for family - it's understood and a granted situation... feel free to read, and I mean READ between the lines and metaphors and words, and remember a time in your life you were in these very shoes. Think of those painful moments in life and what you did to overcome those painful memories. Think of all the memories and the faces of those people and where they are now. Think of all the details of those people... think of everything and I strongly urge you to forgive them if you have not - make things even, return them to zero. Many times I keep my mind to myself and the spider-webbing of my thoughts that happen. Tis why I rarely drink alone - do my best creative side comes out and I write such stories:

For those of you whom know me - I've always been one to guard and protect my thoughts, and on such a night I enjoyed great fellowship with friends downtown under the stars and moonlight among friends. I was sitting there and I was reminded of a beautiful smile from a beautiful face... and all I could do is think of memories - memories I cherished from two very different, yet beautiful people. Two whom I would've gladly sacrificed my life for on a battlefield against all those, foreign and domestic. Yet, I sat in a quite and peaceful humbled mood - only reminded I was "second best". To one woman in our younger years, I was her everything - her world... yet, I was still but a child then. I was not prepared for her. I was not yet mature or adult enough for her, yet I sat and thought of infinite possibilities that HAD I been a better man, I would've kept her in my life. I'll never forget the way she looked at me even in December - she looked at me with love, care, and concern and I knew I had to dedicate my life to her and grow - become the man I was meant to be, though alas... it did not come to pass. She had found another before - while I was soldiering away and earning my position in life. It crippled my heart, mind and body - placing me into a bottomless pit of despair and hurt. But what doesn't kill makes one stronger...

That's when the second came along... she was a beautiful, smart, sophisticated woman whom was the same as the one before. Talented in many of the same ways - arts, sports, knowledge! I felt... amazed at how a mind could quickly grasp concepts that took me years to understand. She was brilliant and far more clever with words than I ever could be. I often told her "You're far more intelligent than I am..." and she would quickly reply "I couldn't ever match your mind. It's brilliant. Every time we speak I learn something new!" - whether in life situations, or even theoretical circumstances - I felt I had met someone whom could heal that wound. She had one of the most amazing smiles I had ever seen! It was gorgeous and she had deep eyes. It was almost as if I could see into the depths of her soul and her being. I genuinely cared for her.. and she was well aware and would often comment on it. I was her rock during troubling circumstances as I was hers. We were friends that became something more, her and I. Yet... I enjoyed her warmth. I enjoyed her company and I felt "I have found peace... The bonds of the old are broken and I'm a free man! I'm free from the cage which the one before had left me in!" and I felt peace... I enjoyed the company of this young, beautiful woman for a while - talking to the long hours of the night and often during the day. She made me feel a happiness I hadn't felt in years! It was almost a bliss and a true happiness, though short lived..

I had been deceived by this beautiful young woman - I was nothing more than a puppet. Although! I had meant something to her, someone else had meant more... had captured her heart years ago, and had returned. Yet... here I was already a broken man, broken further... In the words of Abhishek Vishwe "You're a man with a golden heart. Something precious, valuable - yet delicate and easily broken. Everyone wants it because it's pure, honest, and loyal... but sadly, again like the metal - it's easily shattered. Had I had known, none of this would've happened. I would've simply stepped away never to be seen again.". I have often pondered the meaning of those words since the first left from my life - but yet, here I am still a broken man - raised as a good man, a soldier, and yet a fighter. Often oppressed and repressed through my childhood, only to be found defeated at the heart. I had perhaps had the care of this second, beautiful woman. She took me in, and rescued me from a depth only felt when something in most precious is taken from you. She gave me a tender care - yet here I am now... broken and beaten. I force myself to train, to become stronger, to push limits until my physical body cannot endure and where the mind, yes - the mind must take over and become the ultimate source of strength. Again, I had been used and discarded, perhaps saved for another day? This one does not know... only knowing a bit of a salted wound once re-visited of having dropped the defenses, dropped the hands which protected the heart and allowed another to see the inside.

Again I think of the words I shared with the first "I'd walk between a war between heaven and hell for you. I'd separate the armies themselves just to wrap my arms around you and save you. I would gladly sacrifice myself ten thousand times for you - daily if needed. You gave me a strength that cannot be taken away. If you were dying and needed a heart, life itself I'd give mine up willingly just for you to draw breath and live." - yet, I was still abandoned.. and here with the second I felt myself slowly becoming more comfortable to her... she had told me "I feel safe.. I feel comfortable with you. I know you'll take care of me and protect me... You'd be there for me if I needed you. You're genuine and that's rare these days." - and yet, now I'm shoved away to nothing.

Now to the poem itself - it was something spontaneusly created while sitting here after spending time with friends and glancing at Christmas gifts from both of the women whom I only cared for: a silver bracelet from an anniversary gift of two years, and a book which I understood only the ending and felt saddened from the second... I looked at the book "Paradise Lost" and questioned a great deal of things. I could feel the Big Man above almost around me, I could sense him truthfully and felt comforted, reminded that no man is truly ever alone. Here's the poem that combines both the first and the second... and into the reminding of what has been storied above - all of it true from the inside, a small insight to a brilliant mind - though a hurt and questioning mind.

"Thanks for the memories... I'll always be here for you, but it's time I make some for me. You could've been part of them - part of something bigger than yourself, but sadly - you just can't see the things within me. Even though you're close, you feel far away - even though I reach out to grab and pull you close, you escape and lead me. You took care of me when I was in the pit of my life, you held my hand and guided me - why must you be this way? Why must you shove me away? I did nothing to hurt you... yet, here I am - like the silent watchman in the night... guarding, protecting, serving as loyal as a beast to it's master. On one other has shared that privilege of having me so close, so dear - you meant something more; alas you shoved me away for another - salt poured unto a wound, painfully reminded of the past. I feel hurt, abandoned, discarded and unwanted - yet "loyalty, trust, commitment" are values I uphold, thus I stand like a silent guardian - waiting... and always reminding "I'll always be there".

And as I had promised to both when ways were parted... neither said much. The first gave me a beautiful smile and I remember her words "You were the best friend I ever had. I did love you - please don't forget whom you are. It's what brought me to you. You're an honest, trustworthy, and amazing man - but... after everything that's happened, I can't keep you around. I can't keep hurting you and painfully reminding myself of how disgusted I am for what I have done. I am disgusted at myself to the point it makes me sick, don't question what you did. You did the right thing and you deserved to know the truth. I promise you, you've brought me back to myself. You've made me clean. I don't hate you, but I can't love you.. I wish you luck in everything, please take care of yourself... goodbye" and like that, she was gone.

In the words of the second - they were much more harsh and cold... almost as if wanting me to disappear. She had referred to me as a regret. A mistake in ways, but that was her anger lashing out to make me forget her - to take the step forward and stand on my own, I feel. She apologized later, yet gifted me with one last smile.. one which was again beautiful. She is now with the man she loves, and I should feel happy - but, I ache too much. The wound is too close to the reminder of the first and what had happened.

I suppose I should stop here before people begin to worry. I can't hardly see what I'm typing at this point as powerful memories of love, hurt, and sorrow keep flooding. Though I will say - If you truly love someone, and are a true friend to someone - you don't walk out of their lives. You don't abandon them, you don't discard them, you don't do anything to harm them at all. You hold onto them, even when they are pained by you - and you remind them "I'll always be there".

134436  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2011-12-31
Written: (4106 days ago)

Now - some of you may know, I've been casually dating/seeing someone the last month and a half. It was all fine and well and I knew of the guys that flirted with her. Now, I'll say that if you've read my previous blog about 2011, you'll know I've had problems - so serious trust issues as well as missing someone that cares. For a bit of back story - I've known Autumn for about eight months now. I was around when she broke up with her boyfriend two months before, and I had left her my number to call if she needed someone to talk with... which she did. We became almost inseparable for the while we were together. We ate lunch together almost daily, we'd talk for very long hours into the night, and most days would text me in the mornings or call me before classes. She'd come over and she was the first to initiate the affection, which having been brutalized by my ex-girlfriend Nina, I was shocked and caved in - I was told I was "wanted" and was very close and important to her in her life. I had even been told I knew her far better than the man she's with now - Christian. During the period of time, she had written to her best friend of two years while he was at Navy basic training. I knew of him, that he was a good friend, and that she loved him - loved him as a friend. Apparently, I had no clue to what I was - outside of a "honest, genuine, intelligent, and good man", as to why she was attracted to me in the first place. There were times I would hurt her feelings - if you must know, the angry things had only been said after Christian decided to come home - where Autumn told me she hugged him, and he kissed her. They've been inseparable since he got home from what I've understood in the Facebook stuff below. Please pay attention the BOLD statements I've made noticeable for you all to read. They're rather interesting - Feel free to read, and to comment! I encourage it. Thanks for listening to my rants.

Jerry Clements: Since you're online - I thought I'd ask this, are we still friends? Just a simple answer is fine.

Autumn: Christian knows all about us. and Its just really not a good idea.

Jerry Clements: That's cool. At least you're honest with him. I was merely curious and would've asked earlier, but you weren't in a talkative mood either.

Autumn: I figured he should know. but you've got to understand how he feels about it. and one thing leads to another. you know..

Jerry Clements: Not really. But I'm sure he'd be uncomfortable with the idea of us even speaking. I'm trying to make peace - not anything more than that. To make the line drawn in the sand, per say.

Autumn: well..yeah. he told me that he didnt really want me talking to you but it was my decision. I'm really doing it out of respect because he will be away and it just wouldnt be right

Jerry Clements: It's understandable.

Autumn: thanks for understanding. sorry if i was a dick

Jerry Clements: Autumn, you're not a dick.

Autumn: well, good

Jerry Clements: You did what you did out of anger. I'll admit - I got angry as well. Like I said, I want to make peace.

Autumn: yeah, we're good

Jerry Clements: Yeah... and I still want to stop by the restaurant at times.

Autumn: thats no big deal

Jerry Clements: I won't do it as much as before, since I'm going for what I've wanted to be since I was a child - and you're right. But I'm going to be upfront with you - just... respect that.

Autumn: okay

Jerry Clements: I did get attached to a level of speaking. I got attached to you as a friend. We never had to do anything at all. I was happy I had a friend. I had someone that I could talk with, hangout with, and speak whatever came to mind. I... don't regret anything that happened, but in ways I did get a bit jealous and irritated with you. I didn't say anything since I didn't want to lose a friend. I hate losing a friend or saying "good bye". I loathe it and it truly bothers me to do so. You did a lot for me as far as not making me feel like scum or worthless - but allowed me to respect myself and give me some level of confidence.,, whether you knew it or not.

Autumn: well, youre welcome

Jerry Clements: And I'm sorry for making you sick, irritated, hurt or anything of the related. I don't regret anything at all - I honestly don't.

Autumn: its no big deal

Jerry Clements: I should know that. If you need help with things, don't be worried to ask. Seriously.

Autumn: ok thanks

Jerry Clements: Yeah, but let me ask you - are you happy?

Autumn: yes

Jerry Clements: Good. I'd ask more, but frankly I don't think it'd be right.

Autumn: idc

Jerry Clements: What did you mean by "one thing leads to another"? Would he be worried that things would repeat again?

Autumn:im worried they would

Jerry Clements: They wouldn't. I'd be disgusted with myself beyond belief

Autumn: yeah..but he just doesnt like the idea that i hang out with or talk to the guy i kind of randomly fucked while he was in boot camp. and I was writing to him at the same time.

Jerry Clements: Yeah... I was worried of that as well. I was worried about a lot of things, honestly. I doubt he took that very well at all. I know I would've been pretty pissed off.

Autumn: yeah, he was mad. Not really mad towards me. mad in general. he seriously wanted to kill you

Jerry Clements: I'm not afraid of that - we both know I've wanted that for a while. Though, I guess that it was kinda fucked up.

Autumn: yeah, but on my part. I didn't really write him in a friend sense. I alluded to me and him being together later a few times. So im sure he was confused

Jerry Clements: Yeah, and I'm sure when he learned the truth about you and I - he was wanting to beat me into the ground - so I wonder why he didn't at least message me? I probably would've let him.

Autumn: I wouldn't tell him who it was. Even if he knew right off the bat he wouldn't have wanted face book drama. The next day he apologized for being mad though. He said it was okay.

Jerry Clements: Hm, true. Though we both know it's not "okay". It really wounded him pretty bad.

Autumn: Yeah, probably.

Jerry Clements: I know it would've. I'm a guy remember?

Autumn: That's why me and him are in a relationship now. I guess he realized if we weren't committed then he'd have a hard time in Chicago

Jerry Clements: Yeah. Is it a legitimate relationship - or something to build on to make work?

Autumn: yeah, it's legit.

Jerry Clements: It's going to be hard both ways.

Autumn: nah, it's going to be awesome. That's my perfect guy

Jerry Clements: I hope it works out, you know?

Autumn: it will. because we aren't super clingy. and there is an understanding that we are each others and thats it. so space and freedom will be great but having someone there too.

Jerry Clements: Mhmm. I know what that's like... That's the part I miss most. Having someone there.

Autumn: yep

Jerry Clements: I think that's why I got angry. In fact, I know that's why I got angry. I know this might be selfish or stupid to ask - but why me of all people? Surely there was someone else - or did it really matter?

Autumn: idk. i dont know what i was thinking honestly. go with the flow i guess

Jerry Clements: Heh. I'll take that as I was a decent enough guy. I swear I need a shrink after the last year I've had. Alcohol just ain't cutting it. I'll toss in my two cents. I'd still like talk casually, but as far as hanging out - probably a bad idea. But that's all on you.

Autumn: im not sure if we should even talk. honestly. im going to bed.....see you when i see you..

Jerry Clements: Okay.. I guess I understand. I'm kinda saddened things turned out this way, but I'm not angry or bitter. I'm glad we talked and cleared the air. I'd ask why you feel we shouldn't talk, but you answered that already with "not being right" and worried things might happen again. I'll be here for you as a friend if you ever need me. The blog I wrote was honest and that's why I included you in it. You're my friend and I do want you to be successful and I do care as a friend. I've got your back regardless what happens. You've given me confidence and hope. Thank you - and yeah, I'll see you around and you better take damn good care of yourself.

. Now, after everything that was said - I don't think she wants to get rid of me. I think, I think she wants to keep me around - but at a safe distance. I believe her when she says that if we were to start hanging out again, we would be all that as we were again - and that'd cause her to cheat on Christian. But, he's in Chicago - and he has been known to fuck random girls - and I do expect this to happen, not now - but months down the road. She has a high sex drive and honest, can't refuse. She...started it with me and the time I took control, she didn't refuse - she in fact did refuse him originally - I don't know if they've done anything or not, but I'm sure they have. She's a total virgin kill honestly. She also knows that she's hurt me. I think she feels guilty about that a little, but also - I think she wants to have me on the side. A "plan B" perhaps? I'm unsure - but we'll see. What's your thoughts?<img:stuff/aj/43983/1325507056.jpg>

134435  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2011-12-29
Written: (4106 days ago)

Well, here it is... just two days from a new beginning. A new year to start fresh and change history from repeating itself. I'd like to just give a small insight to what my mind is like... after everything that's happened, then go into the events of the most difficult year I've ever had - 2011. I went through a hellish year in 2011 where I lost my best friend and the only woman I've ever committed 100 percent of whom I am to Nina Oksanen. I won't go into many details, as I respect her far too greatly and even still love her after the events of what's happened - and I won't make a villain of her either.

I've always been one to overcome obstacles - I've conquered fears of heights, drowning, and darkness - to what is left is merely being alone. Many people know I grew up in a single parent house-hold where it was just my mom and I. I'd often spend many hours alone, in the dark resting or even reading books until I started working. I worked hard for a lot of the things I have achieved in my time. I earned an Eagle Scout award, I became a black belt in martial arts, and most importantly earned the right to lead my peers and soldiers through hard work - all earned through countless hours of dedication, sweat, tears, and blood in some cases. Each thing making me stronger and a better man. A man raised with firm values and believes that man and woman are equal - and thus should be treated as such. Each value of interest being integrity, honesty, and loyalty to oneself and one's beliefs and not accepting anything less. I'm not saying I'm a saint. I have done things wrong in my life, but I do not regret them - I accept them and step forward to become a better man and grow as a person.

Now that many of you know my background, I'd like to discuss the year - the year 2011. The year began with an amazing start. I had spent my New Year with the person I loved most - more than anything there is in this world that matters to me. I had also been awarded my first degree in taekwondo - a goal I had worked hard for my entire life, for those that know it - the martial arts are a HUGE factor in my life. One of the most important next to my military career. I had conquered many of my fears by facing them head-on and without mercy and telling myself "You can do this. You're not a coward." and often I would think of the people that mattered most in my life - Nina, my best friends Tadd and Jedd, my mom and dad, Sabumnim, and lastly Major James Holder - and it was as if I'd have the strength to take on the world - to essentially split the heavens and the earth if needed. It was...inhuman to me to have such strength and confidence... but all of that was stripped away at the end of the year. Everything I had come to love had been a lie for a year... My best friend betrayed me, and like that - she was gone. She left me at a bottomless pit of a lot of hurt and more questions than answers - but beyond that, I changed. I went from being less of a coward to more...neutral with things in life. I searched deep down and all around the world around me finding a purpose and drive. I found it once again in taekwondo - taking on new challenges to become stronger than I had before. To gain techniques unrivaled by anyone (which I'm currently still attempting) to become like my sabumnim or master. That was late October...

Since then, I've made some poor decisions and some very wise decisions - each having their own weight on my heart and mind. I've made new friends, and some friends I learned I was nothing more than a stepping stone in their lives. I had committed to people and yet again, ended up being just "second best" - or not even that, just a man - nothing more. I was once told by the man that Nina harmed me with that... "You've been hurt the worst you can possibly ever be hurt - no one can ever cause you anymore grief or suffering... and she has lost the one person that truly loved her more than himself" and he was right. I had lost friends I had gained so easy for various reasons - and I do not hate them. I don't even feel angry at them at all. Two of them have found happiness - or I hope they will. Both of these women have been kind in their own way, and I'll always be grateful for the time spent. To me, the value of time is the most important thing you can share. Once given, it cannot be taken away - yet... that's really all anyone can give someone, and that is time. One caused a great deal of healing that she'll never truly understand. Gifted me confidence and removed a since of "scum" and "lowness" that Nina had left. In fact, I had only really learned the truth from Nina just a few days after Christmas and have placed the note away... never to see the light of day with other items that she had sent to me. Seeing them only reminds me of what I had lost in my younger, more selfish ways - yet...I'll always keep them as a source of strength from when she truly did love me as the man I am - and be that source of strength when overcoming an obstacle I feel unbreakable or unachievable. I learned that taking all that love, all the hate, and all the sorrow from those times can turn a man into an incredible individual - but only if their will is strong.

At the beginning of the new year - I'll be focusing on taekwondo, preparing for Special Forces Selection, and working once I find a stable job. It doesn't mean I won't spend time with the people that matter, which - there are people that matter. I'll include them in the tags below... Since I was a child, I've always wanted to be a Marine or a Green Beret. I had always looked up to people like Michael Jordan and Bruce Lee for their amazing skill and determination. It's not that I'm not satisfied with where I am in life - I merely want my life to have some meaning, to do something with my life that one day I can look back on and tell my children or my grand-children that I did this, that I did this for them, that I did this for their children, that I did this for the people I love, and most importantly, I did this for myself. Being a soldier is not something you honestly do for yourself - but you do for those that are weak and unable to defend themselves. You do it for the women and children and the men that are not able to stand up and fight - and fighting is something I've done all my life. I've fought for friendships, for loving someone, and for wanting to matter and make my mark in this world and be known as a good man. I don't care if I die trying to achieve those goals, but dammit - that is my choice, and my decision alone to make. I have always put the needs of others before my own. I have always placed many peoples' needs and sacrificed sleep, food, and time for someone else - even Nina would tell you I have done this for the benefit of others, even some friends that dislike me.

It's only my goal to take my fears and make them my strength - to have the courage to be "first on, last off" and provide for my friends and family and the people I honestly give a shit about. To those people that have inspired me to become a better leader and friend, and to one day be a father. If you have any doubts or any negative commentary - you can freely go fuck yourself - seriously. I am tired of listening of all the bullshit of "you can't do this" or "you're not good enough" or "I don't want you" and all the negativity. Seriously - think of the things I'd sacrifice for you? Thing of all the things I would do or have done for you? Are you that selfish that things don't matter? If the question is some sort of reply - perhaps you need to seriously re-evaluate your life.

Anyway, I think I've said enough to offend many people - perhaps gain respect and lose respect from others. Feel free to comment, send a message - whatever you feel like doing. Whatever makes you happy, please feel free to share memories of yourself and I as friends or at times where I was an ass. Freely - go ahead.

By the way - if you've been tagged, it means I give a shit and have learned a great deal of wonderful lessons from you on how to grow and develop in a stronger individual. If you've been tagged, you're a motivating factor on how I've overcome a lot of difficulties in tough circumstances and frankly, I'd probably take just a few bullets for you - or gladly take some terminal illness for you. Whichever - because some of you, are worth having around because you make hell of amazing friends and I don't know where I'd be without some of you. Thank you all for giving me something to fight for - even if you have pissed me off, it doesn't matter... you're still a friend and I don't abandon my friends, ever. <img:stuff/aj/43983/1325506974.jpg>

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