Gosh! I seem to just keep fading away from here!
I guess I ought to appologise to all my fwendicles at some point... gosh!
Well, it's too early to actualy bother doing anything... it's like... nearly 11am! Waaay too early - especialy for a saturday...
Actualy, I'd love to go down the market now... dang.
Ok, Ok, news:
I now have a boyfriend, his names Luke - he's adorable - I love him to bits!
My bestfriend is now an ex-bestfriend, because she doesn't like me having a boyfriend... (long story)
I'm doing bad at school, but I'm hoping to turn that around on monday.
I'm kinda overwhelmed by the amount of new friends I've suddenly gained since hanging round with Luke and TJ so much.
I'm way too broody (yes, that's an extremely bad thing)
I've finaly strung my electric guitar!! (go me!)
I'm kinda into screamo music now... again, Luke and TJ's fault!
I've lost about a stone since christmas... so that's 2 stone in all (woo!)
I've not had ben and jerrys in far too long.
My room is nearly something resembling tidy... nearly...
I'm playing and singing in a talent show on the 18th march
I'm reaaaly into my philosophy now - except we're studying Marx, aswell as 'the philosophy of religion'... boooring!
I actualy have a social life ( wow, I never thought I'd say those words )
But some stuff doesn't change; like laughing my ass off at [Twisted Purgatory]'s diary entries. That guy has some seriously hillarious ideas.
And sitting on my computer instead of going down to get breakfast...
Spending as much time as possible in bed... that sorta stuff :P
*sigh* Last night was odd. We kinda got dragged down to the Malt ( a pub in town where there was a gig on ) to meet Jason and Tom (two people I've never known, and still dont!). Then, as the first band is half way through their first song, we leave! lollums. We grabbed some chips on the way home, then me and luke sat in the living room with mum, and TJ and Liam went to TJ's ... was sooo exciting... lol!
It was kinda nice to get out the house though, I'll admit. I've been kinda ill recently so I've been cooped up here for a while.
AAAaaanyway, that's it from me for now
why my brain not work ask you?
no sleep me say - well, some sleep but me need more ... oooh more sleep mean good happiness with bubbles and coffee drops
maybe brain coffee work?
wft am i on about?
wow, i just exam state did .... wait.... I just did an eca.. exam in this state...
that's an F :D
i'm gonna food chocolate get with coffee drink and sugar... maybe wake up....
wake up not as good as sleep though....
*yawn* night night ... day day even....xxxxxx
Seriously - wow.
I hurt in such odd places after that work out, and it felt so good - I can't believe that's what it's supposed to be like. I mean... WOW!!
It's kinda nice not having the strain of a lable too, since he doesn't want a relationship (because he doesn't want to hurt me... yeah, long story); so it's just what it is. Nothing has to be 'oh well, you're meant to do this if you're going out' or 'you can't be with him because...' - it's all just free. I'll admit I was a little sad when he said he didn't want a relationship..
I know we love eachother, so it doesn't matter.
I can't believe how I feel about him though - or how we almost always end up in bed (no, not having sex, just being in bed cuddling and stuff) ...
I feel ... potential...
I write some weird shit sometimes. For instance today in Philosophy I was kinda out of it, so I wrote this...
You can hunger for so many things. Food, love, sex,
friendship... I'm hugry for it all, and one person will not
leave my mind, or allow me to forget my hunger. If his name
would but leave my thoughts; if his face, his smile, his touch would
stop reccuring in my memory, perhaps my hunger would be forgotten.
Surely no other has before awakened in me such hunger.
Surely this must be controlable, and is not in control of me.
Mayhaps this one has captured my heart, for no other explinations
is apparent to me; unless I have myself thrown at him, unaware
of my actions. Is that what love is? A debasing need for another
person which you have no control over?
That name which resonates within myself sends fear through
out my hear, for to have this feeling returned is that
which I dare not hope for. That he who has become holy
to me could condescend to place me on a pedastle within his
own heart; no, I cannot hope for such. Yet to hault my hunger
seems impossible, and to remove this God from my heart too
hard to begin, or even consider.
At times he feeds my hunger, but unsatisfied my hunger
grows, devouring my thoughts. Consumed by my hunger, I beg for
the food of love. Not poetry, but his touch, his lips, his smile;
his voice saying my name, making me safe.
Words haunt me, "Love me." That pleading request which
issued forth from a dieing ladies lips, I now find slipping
from my own mind. Uttering those words is forbidden by my
own pride, but my heart cannot cease to beg."
Yeah, a few of my friends will be able to work out who I happened to be thinking about today...
I just found the wording interesting and rather odd, so I figured I'd share it with you all. Love you lots!
totaly fallen for Luke
it's well bad- promised myself I wouldn't... but he's just so... I dunno
anyway, fingers crossed nothing goes TOO bad with our friendship... since it always does when feelings start to get involved.
*BUNNY HUGZ FOR ALL!!*
I wish he didn't have to hurt
I wish I didn't have to care
I wish I could stop wishing
And wanting to be there
Why do people have to die?
Why does it have to hurt?
If there's a real reason
Tell them that.. but...
There's nothing you can do
Nothing you can say
There's nothing that'll make
That pain go away
Nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
To make what happened
Not be true.
All you can do is catch the tears
Listen to the pain, and the fears
Hold onto the heart that aches
Try and make sure it doesn't break
I want to be able to take his pain
I want to make everything better
I'd make him see that no one
And nothing can last forever
But there's nothing you can do
Nothing you can say
There's nothing that can make
This pain go away
Nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
To make what has happened
Not be true
I'd like to ease your pain
But there's nothing I can do
I can't think what to say
Except "I love you"
Evanescence intro main rift (feild of innocence)
Not sure of extra bits yet
Ok, so I'm like... dieing of boredom right now.
I need a break from being bored... and I was supposed to do my homework tonight... and I still haven't yet.
I want to go to sleep... but I need to do coursework, and have a shower... and grr... all I wanna do is go see TJ or Luke or someone...
Lookin forward to next tuesday... should be good.
I'm lonely all the time lately though.
I may copy out my note actualy - with an extra bit saying "not actually gonna happen, don't worry" or something.
I was just really down is all... still kinda am.
Need a snuggle or something.
I can almost feel myself fading away again. I just wanna cling onto someone or something and go "No! I don't wanna go yet"
Anyway... enough shit, I'm going upstairs for a bit...
Someone's just logged in whose name is "Even heaven is hell without you", and it's got me thinking.
Is heaven some place where god is... and loads of clouds et cetera? Or is it that place where you feel the greatest?
For me, heaven is in his arms.
That's where I'm safe, that's where I feel the happiest, that's where I belong.
I can't really imagine a 'heaven' though, because I can't imagine liking a Utopia. I like that life is a bit fucked up, it makes it interesting, challenging.
I mean, would anything be worth the fight if you didn't have to fight for it?
I say that I would die for my friends (and though it's not always true, I know that if things came to it, I would die for some of my friends), and that shows how much I care for them; but if you never have to die for someone, is it really worth saying it?
On the idea of 'heaven in your arms', is it really a good idea to place all your hope, and love, and happiness on one person?
You have to really be able to trust them, and hope like hell that they can stand up to your expectations, and needs.
I hope I find someone like that in the end...
xx Blessed be xx
I fall inlove too easily.
That's my theory atleast.
I might be getting a car...
And by might, I mean, we're checking the insurance on monday... then I'm probably getting the damn thing!
I know I've always wanted a bike instead, but to have my own set of wheels...
We could all just jump in and go places.
I could run TJ over to Kat's house and stuff.
Ok, I know I have to pass my test first and shit, but christ! I never thought all this would happen at once.
I seem to have hit this upwards curve that just effin ROCKS!
Luke, the car... ok, that's all I can think of right now... but still! They're bloomin major.
It feels like I just freed up my good karma or something, and it's all going - yeah, Lauren deserves something in reward for that shit... lets give her a car... and let her meet an awesome guy that's really really nice, and sweet, and loving.
What ever the hell is going on, I like it. I like it alot!
I don't care if things don't get better after this point, as long as they don't get worse, I'm soo happy!
I mean, I know it means going through my test, and that's god damn expensive and everything... and I know it's gonna put a bit of a strain on the budget, cause cars always do... but hey! Give it a few months, maybe more, and I could have my licence, a car, and a load of great mates to go places with!
I'm so not gonna use it to go to school tho - unless I'm like, majorly late or something. I don't want a car for that reason. I want it for DISTANCE traveling. Like to go to skeggy for no reason, or just go for a drive.
It's just a corsa, so the acceleration isn't going to be all that great... but hey! I can get it in tune. All I have to do is get dad (and maybe some mates) to help me out with how things work. Get a decent stereo in there (the speakers in the back are OK... not brill, but a starting point), tweek the engine a bit, sort the steering colum out so it's a little higher, sort out a couple of patches on the body work that might start rusting, give it a flush out - new oil, new anti-freeze, new water et cetera... okay, so it's not a BRILLIANT car, but it's insurance is pretty affordable. group 3! woo!
I'm well stoked. I really hope Melli doesn't sell it before we get an insurance quote, cause that would suck.
Maybe mum and dad will pay the insurance this year as a birthday/chris
I'm still thrilled by just the idea though!
I mean, me? Own something that big? Own something of my own that isn't in my parents house?
It's not a bike, but it's still transportation
I wanted the bike mostly because I'd be able to be on my own, even as a learner... but that's just as good as a pumping stereo, my best mates... and a bit of privacy in the back seat maybe ... hehe!
I just wanna go see some one and jump up and down, and tell them all about the cute little thing!
I'm so not normaly this happy!
EEEeee!! I can see this setting me up for a job and stuff too! It's not that big a deal having to work a bit further away if you can drive there... and well... I dunno, it just seems like ... wow!
It's kinda silly getting all excited about a car that I MIGHT be getting... and not thinking about just how much it's going to cost.... but it's just sooo... woo!
I know I have to then pay for lessons, and practice, and... but none of that matters, because it's just such an unexpected gift!
Dad and I were talking about leathers, and boots, and a helmet... and I was going to ask people for that sort of thing as combined birthday and christmas presents... but this is... this is just so unexpected!
When I got home yesterday and mum was like "Grandad came up to see you today... he wants to know if you'd like a car?" I was like - WHAT?... a car...? Seriously?
He took me to have a look today, and it is really quite tidy. Corsa LS 1.2... manual, so you get more control, new brake pads... The wheels are kinda naff, they've got no rims on, and the grips faded. Could do with a clean over too, and maybe a new drivers seat... bloomin heck, I'm already planing it's repairs, and I've not got it yet!
I can't wait to get through my test now!
How silly is that? I haven't wanted to even take my driving test before, now I really want to asap!
Feeling so great! WOO!!
I'm asleep really... this is just in your head... I'm not really here, or really typing... its all just in your head.
God, I'm really falling for him!
I get butterflies just thinking about him... I can't sleep because I'm not in his arms, and when I do sleep, I dream about him.
This is major bad!
I can't like someone this much - it'll crush me. I know it will.
I'm not a good judge of character, I thought the world of Arron, but I shouldn't have... I'm not ready for a relationship, but I can't help these feelings I have for Luke either.
What am I gonna do?
Play it by ear Lauren, you always do
gosh, I'm so fluttery... cause I think he likes me too... and I really like him... really really like him.
Goddess, why can't things be simpler?
Sorry guys, this is where I'm scribbling today.
Well I had a dream about you last night
Wonder if you wanted me to
You were holding onto me so tight
Now wouldn't that be cool?
Well I thought about you again today
I hope you didn't mind
I got that stupid song in my head
The one we sang last night
Well I heard that you were going steady
With the girl next door
I kinda wish it was a story
'Cause my mans a bore
And if we spent the summer together
That would be so cool
Yeah and, I think we should get together
just me and you
Well I had a dream about you last night
I hope that you don't mind
And I'd like to see you again some time
Can't get you off my mind
Last night was pretty cool, except I was like... falling asleep in TJ's bed. But Luke was hugging me, and hugs + comfyness always results in me falling asleep. I was tired anyway - so was TJ. He gets kinda moody when he's tired, but I feel like there's something more to it. Maybe that's just me projecting my feelings.
We had such a giggle though.
Like when me and Kat lay on the bed force feeding Luke crisps.
Or when Kat and TJ were kissing during the movie and we ended up throwing packs of crisps at them.
Or the foam... that was funny too...
"Oh damn, sorry TJ, I just squirted all on your curtains!"
I'm still asleep to be honest.
Not to mention I need to stop wanting to kiss Luke. That's just gotta stop.
I mean... do I even know him?... nuh-uh!
Oh well, nevermind.
I can't believe how comfy I was with them last night. Maybe them pills is helping, or maybe it's the fact that they're really nice.
Oh - my - god. My mouth feels sooo much better now! I can't believe those stitches were hurting that bad!
It's still got a little bit of swelling, but not realy any pain- which ROCKS!
Feeling so much better.
Skipping school cause I can't be arsed with it. I'll start some of my essays and stuff later.
Lolly out xx
I got my stitches out!!
WOOOO!!! sooo much more comfy!
It rocks being able to not feel pain :)
*does a little dance*
i really need to go to sleep...
but for some reason I can't
there's someone I wanna talk to, but I don't know who it is...
oooh, you just know I'm dieing to try out the stylesheet thing... even though I don't really know what it means
Ok - time to put a stop to this spiral.
I've taken some fluoxitine... I'm actualy doubling up doses (since I'm only on 20mg) so that it has some kind of effect.
I think Im ready to get better now.
I just hate taking tablets... I feel like I can't control myself if I have to have happy pills.
Nevermind, all that matters is that I get better now.
I want to be able to function right. Yes, you heard me right, I actualy know something I want for once, instead of just what I don't want.
Time to turn over this leaf and cheer up.
No, that's wrong, I don't need to cheer up, I just need to stop falling at the moment.
First step - stop getting worse
Second step - start getting better
Third step - start over with the whole 'life' thing
Yeah, I wanna change my life. I don't want to be this me anymore, I want to be the real me instead. The real me is kinda cool, and I like her :)
No more messing around, I'm telling Arron how I feel. I want an open relationship instead of this... failing thing.
I want to hang out with my mates more - living in my room is boring.
I think I'm gonna start saving up after the new year, for my bike, and the test, and the gear, and the insurance.
I think if I get enough for the test and my gear, I'll go for the test... then start looking for a decent bike.
I'm really ready for life... I'm just not quite sure which way to go about it.
I'll figure a way though.
All my love
Did you have to wink at me?
Goddess, how can you be so cruel as to rekindle those feelings??
You see, and know, just how much it meant to me... you being my first... and you never told anyone either. You keep it safe... like I know I always am with you.
I see you with her and I feel so alone, wishing that my guy would love me that much; wishing he'd do so much for his girl, wishing he were you.
I can't explain what I feel for you, but it's a remenant of love and desire.
I could stay in your arms forever, whisper with you, watch films with you... stay up all night with you; because with you I'm safe; with you I don't have to hide, or pretend... except about this.
Is it love? I don't know... I just know that his inadequacy, and your brotherly love, make me feel like I was right first time, I was right with you.
I'm not so selfish as to tell you though - you're happy with her, and I'll find someone... someday... I hope.
I suppose you never really get over your first love. First boyfriend, or girlfriend, sure... but not your first love.
That relationship forever flavours all your others, that love becomes the one you hold all others up to. I'm not your one though, I can see that.
I wanted us to be together, I wanted it to mean something; but instead it taught me a lesson - just because you, and other people around you, think you should be with someone... it doesn't mean a thing unless they feel the same about you.
Simmilarly, it doesn't matter if everyone is against it, if you love someone, and they love you, it's the right thing to do. Love comes first.
Sex is a biproduct of love, if you ask me.
It's not something to have without any feelings - that's just not for me. Making love... you should do that with someone you love.
I'd do anything for you... not that you realise it... and that's how I know I still love you. I could be on a date, and if you needed me, I'd come.
I can't not want you... it's not in me. But I stay satisfied that you atleast like me - that you are like my brother, and that love is still strong between us. It's just had to change is all.
Maybe ... maybe one day you'll realise I'm still here, waiting,and she'll turn you away...
Still, I can't like her. She has you, and you are all I want. How could I like her? I'm probably jealous... but I'm more sad.
I can't fight for you... because you wont fight for me, you wont change your mind if I fight, I'll just lose you forever.
And so my heart aches again; over you.
My all consuming heart has lost you, and so must catch onto something else, or colapse inwards.
I welcome the darkness