[Syn Serafim]'s diary

135017  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2012-05-18
Written: (2647 days ago)

SWEET OCTOBER NIGHTS VI (2009)

There comes a moment in life one must question existence
And the worth at which he shows
Understand the misery he’s wallowing in
Or someway it would go

Misery love company and yet I drink alone
Drunk in my mind and intoxicated
Disturbed by my own vision of grandsire
Simply inebriated

Wonder then why could a man live without life
And love when none is around
Breathe the air of suffocation
Or cry a sad sound

Sweet October nights, the stars dimmed in pain
Alone in my mind, my room is stained
In the blood of my own worthlessness and the crimes I commit
The pain my life leaves and my unwillingness to submit

Isn’t anyone decent enough to lend a hand
Without expecting it to be full in the end
Give money for nothing
And hold on to a dream without having to bend

Explain to this, as I feel the tears beginning
WHY is the world fucked from end to beginning
Can a man be looked upon by his deeds of present and not sins of past?
Make a change with understanding it may last

A glimpse of hope,
a tear of joy
CRUSHED beneath your feet
Like a baby’s toy

GROW UP, time is now, but can’t I cling to those worriless days
Alone in my head, and in my head I stay
I just need a shoulder to cry upon, and a 5th of Vodka
Drown myself in misery a way to toxic

Let another October pass ALONE as always
Given my recent life, it is a comfort
Fear the unknown? Or maybe welcome the change
SCREAM FOR HELP from the eternal flames

Hell, in October, all hollows eve
I drink alone, heart on my sleeve
Rescue the damned and turn them the saved
Crush their hopes and keep it that way

DAMN THIS WORLD and DAMN THOSE IN IT
They speak of help but noone commits
WHY DO WE LIE? And pretend to be
When all I really want is to better me?

In what world did that become the norm?
When did hopes and dreams disappear and reality sink in?
Why do adults no longer wish upon stars, hoping for a second?
Why can’t we change our future through acts of our past?
Why can’t we turn around, making it last?

I ask only one question now, just one more to end…
If life and love are one where does it begin?
And when it’s all said and done was it truly what you wished for?
Or did you play it safe just to not end up like before?


Found this lingering on my computer from YEARS ago... figured to throw it on here

116333  Link to this entry 
Written about Tuesday 2008-07-01
Written: (4063 days ago)

CRY, OH I, and why not cry?
My eyes water with the thought of you and I
My heart bleeds from deep down inside
but I must push back these feeling and continue my ride...

I cannot let it overtake me again
the pain and hurt that I always give in
the suffering from deep dark inside my mind
but I must push it back and not, again, start to cry.

You're gone, YOU LEFT, so why do I feel like this?
You said we were never meant to be and I'll end up shit
like my father and his before he
You said that WE were never meant to be

And I just listened and held back my cries,
I heard it all and shook my head at the lies
I remember more than you recall
And it's wasn't so horrible from the beginning to the fall

You know I just went through the motions,
just to make you feel like you were needed
I blow so heavy I couldn't stand straighter after
and no longer were my thoughts steady.

I could no longer hold back the tears that had consumed my eyes
So heavy they pushed everything else aside
they poured down my face like a rushing waterfall
And I could do nothing else by, to my knees fall.

I wrapped my arms around you leg,
like a little baby I had to beg,
I couldn't have swallowed so much pride
as well I begged to just be at your side.

I was so proud until that one day
When you, so easily snatched it all away,
I fell right into your evil trap
and ever since I couldn't turn back

I'm not the same and still I cry
it's been a year now and I still want you at my side
I cannot see anything more than you in the distance
And I can't live on without being within your submission.

So what do I now, having lost all that I stood for?
At the blink of an eye I changed I changed and changed more
I begged, I pleaded and you kicked me away
and I cannot empty those thoughts from day to day.

I'm still sitting here, in my room on my bed,
with my head hanging low in shame
I haven't left my room in so long
and I'm the only one to blame.

Maybe you were right, we weren't meant to be.
But if so true why this, do I not believe?
Why can I not allow you to leave my head?
And why can I not sleep in my bed?

Insomnia has now set in
And this world's fading as it begins
I think I'm dieing but stop it I will not
I'd rather be dead, than apart from you any longer.

Let my dreams disappear into eternity,
let my thoughts leave into the past
Allow my mind to fade slowly into the darkness
as my body slowly sags.

Slip onto the floor where I lay
not enough strength to stand
my eyes close slowly and you're all I see
the happiness we once had.

I remember our first kiss
and when you made me hold your hand
I remember giving you the engagement ring
and when we took care of your baby cousin Ben

I remember the happy times of us together
and not the year since, that we've been apart
I remember the love and the love and love I express
even if now, no love can I confess...

My eyes may close and my brain shuts down
and my heart beats the last beat
my body stops and my breath leaves
and the twitches in my hands cease to continue

My blood freezes and my stomach turns
My muscles fall from gravity,
the red blood cells and the white blood cells
finish their last swim through the veins...

And when all this happens and I cannot dream no more
and my soul is on its way to judgement,
Let it be know that instead of taking that last breath and that last beat,
the last thought of something sweet

I instead gave it to you and thought, and beat and whispered
what only thing I've wanted to say
In the night and in the day
Long before and now away

That I loved you more and more with every passing day...

Nuckles, Ricky 7/1/2008

106275  Link to this entry 
Written about Friday 2007-09-28
Written: (4341 days ago)

Took this from [pepsi girl] sorry but I had to
I wanna keep it


--Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia — fear of long words--
--Phobophobia — the fear of fear itself--
--Luposlipaphobia — the fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor --
--Anatidaephobia — fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you --
--Aibohphobia — a joke term for the fear of palindromes--
--Triskaidekaphobia, Terdekaphobia — fear of the number 13--
--Paraskavedekatriaphobia — fear of Friday the 13th--
--Necrophobia — fear of death, the dead.--
--Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia — fear of the number 666.--
--Coulrophobia — fear of clowns--
--Autophobia — fear of being alone--
--Androphobia — fear of males.--
--Acrophobia — fear of heights--
--Erythrophobia — pathological blushing--

102656  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-07-19
Written: (4412 days ago)

Has it been to long that i can only rest without resting?
Would my eyes lay upon a sight that my heart breaks?
Can this be really the lost hopes of so many now dead lay?
Could I simply snatch it back for those broken promises towards the damned?

Can heaven and hell really exist for my eyes now lay upon it
The cursed and the saved in war around it
The damned and the deemed slain below it
The heart and the soul fighting over it

I wish not to believe and instead return to my days
laying helplessly upon the sand in the shade
reading of my poetry with a heart of her flutter
but all dreams lost when I remember where I lay

My soul damned to the torment alone
My heart broken with nothing to hold
My eyes weeping because my soul
Lives deep in this hell below

Alone in my room for so many year
that I cannot tell if I am really here
Daydream and night terrors all seem alike
I guess all that's left is what, in my eyes a fright

Had I only listened and done as told
maybe my world would be with you to hold
having not money but you as my gold
being not rich but priceless in your soul

Nevermore says thy raven who torments my door
No longer says the demons who beat against my floors
Never again I say without forgetting my past
I lost her and not I've alive but dead at last

Bombard my way the journey is long
is it really worth the risk
you're mine I know it in my mind heart and soul
and because I'll risk it

battle off the hatred and lies
deflect the horror and the cries
forget the tears shed between you and I
just grab you and never let you out of my sight

"PUSH ASIDE!" MUST I? This journey cannot be done
only a few hours and already I'm done
my arms heavy and my head light
I cannot continue this horrible fight

I cannot finish what i did not start
you were taken from me I did not let you be take
How come my heart burns for what cannot be mine?
Why oh why can i not relieve you from my mind?

Beat me senceless and throw me to the wolves
tear off my limbs and drown me
let me bleed internally
burn me and let me scream

I'd rather die then allow you to storm my mind
you're simply too far for me to be cryin'
The tears I shed cannot be shed no more
just take my life and end my terror

I have never felt such pain until I lost you
until the day God stole you
our lives together and now apart
my love travels through worlds to your heart

I pray god take me from the hell you put me in
allow me and my love to be together again
Lucifer and I cannot be friends
and you and I will never end

Take my soul as I drive so fast
release me of my fear and of my past
I will not stop I will not break
Never so alone as when I died on this day...

Nuckles (7/17/07) In honor of my loves long past...

93011  Link to this entry 
Written about Sunday 2007-01-21
Written: (4591 days ago)

Please allow me to cry...
Okay I think I am done
Had there been a better time
This may have not begun

I love you, yes think it's true
You're only a second month within me
but that doesn't me much
I still believe we could be

loneliness is lonely and it's lonely to be alone
and I felt like God belssed me the first day I met you
Even if the world continued turning
my night would last forever with you

I feel like we have something but I don't know what
Oh please I wish not to break it up
just let me tell you how much I feel for you
and maybe that would help

I am me for a reason and why I do not know...
But at least It has to be a good one
Allow me a few more days to prove my worth and you're worth to me
and I promise you don't be disappointed.

Had life gone different
I would be dead by now
but the Gods blessed me with your presance
and I thank them everyday I am alive somehow

I may be alseep but I am still thinking of you
I may not be awake but you is what my mind is going through
Had I not become so obssesed over you I'd probably be dead
you're worth waking up to

I shall sleep now cause God knows I need it
but don't think I love you any less
I feel terrible everyday we don't talk or we fight
I just love you completly.

Nuckles

 The logged in version 

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