[aefvmz]'s diary

104135  Link to this entry 
Written about Saturday 2007-08-18
Written: (4354 days ago)

A love to remember!

What does it mean when you con't forget?
Time and time again I sit up at night wondering this. After each dream of him I think “why is he on my mind?”

It was the first day of school when I first met him. My friends introduced us, he was the strangest person I had ever met in my life… and yet… the most wonderful person too (at least he was at the time). For a while we were friends we would talk, goof off and one day he asked me to be his freshman pet, (small laugh, odd is it not). About a week later, often hanging out, I called him and we talked for a while then he asked me to go to the movies whith him. Of course I said yes, that’s what got me into this situation. We talked a lot about our personal lives so we can get to know each other. We took a walk down 29th from the Rave to the Waffle House, we realized we have a lot in common; our pasts are a lot of the same. Our first kiss together was on the way home, then he climbed into the back seat with me and we made out the whole ride home. A few days later I talked to a friend of mine that has dated him before she told me not to go out with him, but I told her it was too late. She moved in the summer too Illinois too live with her mom. After talking to her, the next day she came back to school, when she came she gave him a necklace for his birthday, and he wore it every day. We would write notes to each other every day about how we feel about each other, and how both of us are afraid to fall in love because our hearts have been broken before many times. He always told me I was the best girlfriend he has ever had. That I was the one who showed him that love is not just a fairy tail, and he even wrote me a poem telling me all that. It has a big circle repeating I love you, in the middle it said that I hope has meaning or some thing like that. Its too long ago for me too remember. Also he said that because of me he feels that he can say I love you and it would mean something. At school, before we started dating, every one raged on us for flirting, when they found out that we started dating things, to me, got worse. Every one tried too pull us apart every way they could (at least it seamed like it.) It took a while but it started to slack of a bit twords the end. Things still didn’t seem normal though. I started feeling that it wasn’t enough, I believe he started feeling the same because he started pulling me away with him so we could be alone together, away from any one else that is. He would come over to my house with me without his mom’s permission just because, he seays, he wanted to be with me. I remember he once wrote me a note that told me he thought my voice to him was like a sirens call to him. He would text me things randomly like I love u and I wont to see u. When I would text back that I love him he would text back that he really means it and that he just wanted me to know that he did. When he held me my heart melted. I would wish that time would stop in place. But unfortunately it did not, as you can tell. Fear held me back many times of opening my heart to him, or any one at that. But eventually I did. Then one day I did not go to school, he sent me a text saying that he needed to talk to me and it was important. I didn’t go to school for a few days, and the first day he was constantly text me but I could not reply. The second day his text was practically begging me to call him, I didn’t understand. The third day he didn’t text at all. I finally went to school but I wish I hadn’t. I first found out what happened from my friend Brittany (the friend from Illinois.) When I finally talked to him he told me the truth…he cheated on me. I didn’t know if I should be mad or cry. At first I wanted to cry but then I got mad. But in the end I cried. I could barely even look at him all day but I thought about him all the time, and then I realized… I was in love… with him! I couldn’t let him go no matter what the reason was. I would think about it and not feel pain, I would always think about him and would smile, even after that, I thought of him and smiled, he had my heart even though I didn’t know it. I even tried to think about what he did to prove myself wrong but it was no use. But our relationship didn’t last for long. A week later he came up to me and he didn’t seem like his self. He would say things like he didn’t want to be touched, I had to ask him if I could give him a hug, (that started to make me worry.) That afternoon he came up to me he started saying things like there was some sort of obsession or something like that. The next day we talked and he told me that there’s a lot of bull crap going on in his family and he didn’t need to be involved with any one right now. For about a week I practically avoided him mainly only because I thought he had another girlfriend all ready because he wouldn’t talk to me. The truth was he thought I was mad at him so he wasn’t going to talk to me; he was waiting for me to talk to him. (At least that’s what I herd.) Unfortunately I discovered about three weeks later he started dating his ex who by the way was one of my best friends (Brittany.) I wasn’t mad though we all just became closer friends, although I was afraid to get closer to him because I felt like I still loved him. I started to feel different around him so I started to push him away. Know I hardly ever even say hi to him. And it goes the same for him, he ignores me. Eventually he broke up with her but he started to date my other best friend Stephanie. They dated for about one month then sadly he dumped her through a text message saying that he fells like he is using her and he doesn’t feel the same for her as he though he did. The worst part about it is that I found out from her that the things he said to me were all lies. He told her the same thing that he told me, about not being able to love because of his heart being broke so many times he cant fall in love any more and then he would say that it’s because of me, or her in this case, that he can now love. He said that he use to think that love was just a ferry tail and love at first sight is not real untill he met me, as a fool I believed it. And unfortunately so did her. Well now at school I guess u can say I try to protect my friends from him. The reason my friends because that’s the type of girls he dates, he tends to stay in the friend circle (at least thats what it seams like). Steph and I have changed a lot sense our experience with him. He never knew i thought this way (untill probly know). He probly couldnt have guessed ither becouse he never treated me like a friend, so therefor i never talked to him and i never expresed how miserable i realy felt. i think the main reason i was hurt was not becouse i was dumped, but becouse it felt like he left me when i needed someone the most. Well that’s just another chapter in my life I guess. (Small giggle) But i know that soon, maybe not know, things will get better.

~The End~

99480  Link to this entry 
Written about Thursday 2007-05-17
Written: (4447 days ago)

      once i thought i could not love,
       which was a death to be,
      then you came along and changed
      my ways and my eturnal destiny,
   so from now and forever more i will remember
      the one who changed my ways,
     and taught me to look forward
      to each new and brighter days......

 The logged in version 

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