"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."
-Kurt Cobain

last night i was at the lake and it was like....
21:00 (elfpack time). it was windy, and cold while i watch my dog Spike! chased the ducks, goose, and swans off the lake shore..... hehehe that little bastard. :P

i was freezing, so i hopped inside BEAST2 and turned on the car stereo. sick and tired of listening to homogoblins and nile, i turned on the radio and tuned it to 106.6FM and there they are playing their song. The Clash!!!

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
-The Clash

darling you gotta let me know
should i stay or should i go?
if you say that you are mine
i'll be here 'til the end of time
so you got to let know
should i stay or should i go?

always tease tease tease
you're happy when I'm on my knees
one day is fine, next is black
so if you want me off your back
Well come on and let me know
should i stay or should i go?

Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble
An' if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know

this indecision's bugging me
if you don't want me, set me free
exactly who'm i'm supposed to be
don't you know which clothes even fit me?
come on and let me know
should i cool it or should i blow?

should i stay or should i go now?
should i stay or should i go now?
If I go there will be trouble
and if i stay it will be double
so you gotta let me know
should i stay or should i go?

the first time i'll put other's song lyrics in my diary.
i was driving last night and heard a song that touches the inner part of me. it's been decades since the last time i listened to it.

SOMEBODY
-Depeche Mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it

i have been back and forth from hell and earth for several times. but the worst thing of it all was it's when that time i decided to live and to love..... even not having the love back from the one i love.... death tried to taek me away. only my heart decided to stay alive even if it was suffering in pain and excitement.
last December 31, 2005 i almost die. it was my own irresponsibility that caused me to be there.
imagine, working 4 jobs and sleeping for 2 hours a day. smoking almost a couple of packs of sigarettes never saying anything to anybody that i have a physical problem. that was the biggest mistake that i've ever done.
i dont know how long will i be here but i'll try to be in any cost to live and love for somebody taht i always treasure since the very start that i met her.
i made some songs, and writting something to remember all the best days that i cherished with her presence in my life.

i just need to sleep.

a long one.

where i can put my mind to rest.

where i can find serenity.

where i can feel

where i can see

i just need to sleep and mustn't be disturbed.

i was talking to my "broken-hearted" bandmate (not me) who was just been dumped by his girlfriend and started talking about his "metaphor" of what he see things last night.
after that, i was awake all night writting this one. linking all those things he said like "drowning"

left

trapped in a room filled with silence.
the only thing i hear is my pencil, and pen running through this white piece of paper.
every line i make, recalls a memory. a memory of happy things. things that happened not long ago.

those're the most wonderful day of my life.

calm and serene

once more, i was counting the ants passing by. the last time i did that was.... like 10 years ago. i know, seems like a looney or something.
well, every person have their own way of expressing their lonelyness in some way.
i wonder. i always wonder why?
maybe because i was alone all the time.
i was searching everywhere.
i was running away from something i am really afraid of.....
....but keep on searching for it.

now, that i found it. i decided to accept it with arms wide open. then feel the truth that it is there all the time that i will never run anymore and will never leave.
it was LOVE i am looking for. the one that i love, miles away from me, over the seas, and mountains, and desert, and cities.
only time can tell when we can be together.

hope almost abandoned me...... again. it was like hanging on the tip of it's finger struggling to return within me and tell that "it will be okay, Jon".

my promises. this things that i will NEVER ever break.
happiness, the thing i want to share with the only woman that i love.
and all the love that i will give and share with her forevermore.

I LOVE YOU

1,2 all i got is a semi-automatic smile
oh shit i gotta get high
act now if you know who you are
you'll be lookin' at the picture
just to see you're a star
the invisible! the great! the incredible!
you talk too much
you talk about unspeakable
stop the lies, never act surprised, "what?!"
you run away never pay the price

so, you pull me down to get you high
'cause the sun won't shine for you to fly
'cause i don't know now so don't you try
so, hide yourself and you deny

come on, got to get it on
i'm steppin' on the zone, i don't want to be alone
and i exercise my right to not give up the fight
tonight is the night i wanna bring you to the light


so speaking kinda easy
losing your mind, you're goin' crazy
i'm bringing it back, holding it back
all you need is to react
do you really wanna feel me
everytime you try to hurt me
i'm walking away, flying away
find myself another day
so, tell me what you feel
tell me what is real
tell me what's the deal
with the pain you try to heal
so, do you really care?
is this really fair?
better beware
throw your hands in the air

One! maybe you can shine like the sun
Two! take everything that is for you
Three! open your eyes if you wanna see
Four! check the mic and check the score
Five! use your heart and try to survive
Six! do you wanna die with crucifix
Seven! your sins will be unforgiven
even if you know how to stop from breathing

3,4 i better get some more
my house is your house, never shut the door
and all the people in the place
who really want to rock with me
we will never ever stop until the next century
i'm free, and don't you wanna stay with me
i'll be the worst thing that you'll ever see
so, let it be, and let me see the real me
i will try to take you if you wanna bounce with me

you crucify and then you lie
'cause you don't see the crime, you testify
i talk to you, you don't reply
stop dreaming now, open your eyes

i never wanna take it, all i wanna do is break it
i'm so sick of you, all i wanna do is fake it
so, forget it, i never wanna think about it
i spit. i quit. i never wanna hear it.

i feel like the arrow is wearing off.