i'm deciding wheather or not to send this. you wont read it here anyway. you just dont care enough to do that.
you're not here anymore
why? i dont want to loose you.
im sorry i got scared. i wasnt angry, i hope you realize this. i was scared out of my mind. scared i would loose you.
i realize you dont care about me, i have to wonder if you ever did. but that doesnt matter to me, as long as it doesnt matter to you. i still care about you.
you might laugh at me, be angry, you might brush me off because you dont care.
i have no idea what is happening in your life, not even a guess. its been too long. this week has been to long. and this summer will be even longer with out you there. you promised me you would always come back, that it was to important to leave. but here you are, leaving.
there is so much i want to tell you, so much i want to ask, to hear, to see.
but most of all, i want to do now, is tell you. im always here, no matter how hard you try to get rid of me. "i'll always be waiting for you."
words are so sparingly used now that i want to say just the right thing. i thought you knew what was going on. but then you said somthing that told me you dont. to tell you would defeat the purpose. but know im worried. i think what if i am leaveing something unfinished. you said goodbye but is that just the end? everything ends? just like that? the last 4 years, gone?
you have to tell me, is there anything i am leaving behind. anything at all?
and why ask me how i am doing when you dont care at all. im not angry at you, youre angry at me. im not talking to you youre talking to me.
and i have to wonder if you still read these stupid diary entries. because youre not supposed to care, your not supposed to see how torn i am, your supposed to see the happy me sittin in class and smiling.
and you know as well as i do, the smile is a mask. you werent supposed to know about my habits. its not something im proud of.
in my defense:
I loved you,
you made me,
hate me.
You gave me, hate, see?
It saved me
and these tears are deadly.
DONT read my diaries unless you want to hear what i have to
say
DONT read them unless you want to hear me whine and cry and
bitch
DONT you dare read them and then talk about them later like
nobigdeal!
DONT think you know me better when you dont know how i am
feeling
DONT even think about patronizing me, thats the worst thing
possible
DONT cast me aside and act like were back to normal, we're
not
DONT be mean to me, dont you think youve hurt me enough
yet???
DONT you understand whats going on here, i thought you knew
everything
DONT say anything at all, if you havent got anything nice to
say
dont SAY NO BIG DEAL, you BITCH, you dont know how i could POSSIBLY be FEELING, are you NOT satasfied YET??? EVERYTHING you SAY hurts.
next time, use just a tad of tact, 'kay?
then maybe i wouldnt be so bitter.
i was wrong, you didnt even keep my heart
not even as a memento
not even to remind yourself
not even for me
you just threw it on the ground
threw it on the rocks below
who knows where it is now?
i dont even want to know
i dont even want it back
not now
not for a long time.
you made it clear you hated me
so why dont you stop being there
and why dont you leave me be
you made it clear you never wanted to see me again
so why dont you look away
and leave me here alone
you made it clear you never wanted to hear my voice
so why do you ask me questions
and why dont you let there be silence
why?
and even now there is that shread of hope, you didnt mean it, that you were just in a bad mood
that you really dont hate the sight of me as much as you say
that youll forgive me someday.
will you forgive me?
at least there was no question
at least you said good bye
i just didnt know it would hurt this much
i didnt know i'd cry
i didnt think there was this much on the line
i didnt think you'd care
i didnt think this would be the last time
i didnt think, i swear
i know you hate my verses
and everythink i write
but this is how i really feel
and my heart i didnt think you'd steal
i didnt know you'd break it
and if that wasnt enough
i didnt know
that you would drop it and smash it on the rocks below
i think once this is all over and my heart is back together
i'll look back on this time and smile
but i know that you will never
i said i loved you
but how can a heart to tattered love?
i said i'd leave you
but its only me leaveing you
not my heart
until you give it back
i dont care if its torn and mutilated
just someday remember its in your pocket
and you casually say youve been meaning to give it back to me
you just hadnt had the chance
maybe by then it wont be so bloody
maybe by then it wont be so torn
maybe after i get it back then i can stop to mourn
and maybe wishing you had used a little more tact
is a little to much to ask
because you got your message through
and i wont bother you
never ever again
i promise
as long as your happy, ill be pathetic
if you call this crying out for attention then go ahead
but to me its just my feelings
take it or leave it
it may sound casual
but i hope you belive it
i promise
never ever again
i promise
next time we wont even be friends
i promise
so please forgive me
i promise
positively
im sorry ()','</3
i cant do this anymore
i said 3 more days
i pleaded just for those three days
but i couldnt do it
not even close
because when the truth was finally said
i realized how much it all hurt me
i had just a little hope left
but now i fell like giving up
when will you return?
when will you give back my heart?
i havent cried like this since i was a baby
havent shaken like this since i told you how i felt
havent feared like this ever before.
now i just want to cry
to hear your voice muffled over the speaker
to feel your song vibrating between my fingers
to watch the warm glow of the fire
to start over
to come back, the result would be the same, but at least i would get back that happiness that i will never forget
nor regret
never
is this real?
what is on your right arm child?
flowers...
happiness...
love
then what is on your left arm child?
scars...
burns...
pain
what put the burns on the left arm
the right arm
why scars? why burns?
sometimes the thing we love the most causes us the most pain
3 days i decided. today i was in denial. who knows what tomorow will bring. ive come far in just this one day. whatever flame the inhabited my heart a few short days ago has been snuffed out, and with it every emotion i once possesed. i wonder what ill do after the 3 days, after im free.
its funny how a fire is more beautiful than a blade, yet the fire leaves the uglier of the scars.
ill never be a cutter.
3 days. today was my first day. im well on my way. i think i can do this. today was my denial day. tomorow could bring anything. 2 more days left. i wonder what ill do when im free. i wonder what ill do when im done.
the funny thing is fire is so much prettier than a blade, yet it leaves the uglier of the scars.
ill never be a cutter.
you dont know anything. you may think you know everything because you can read whats on my mind. but you dont know how i feel, so you will never know everything.
"Why won't you stand behind me and back me up, like you used to?" asked the boy.
"Why won't you stay with me and take care of me anymore?" asked the girl.
And they meant 'Goodbye'.
i actually hate the two characters that said this but i like it.
i tried to post a diary, in response but after the 2nd time it was deleted i figured fate is telling me not to post it and something bad will happen if i do. but for some reason there is nothing i want to do more than post it. my true feelings.
how am i supposed to know how you feel if you dont tell me?
im not you, i cant possibly know.
you expect me to understand but how could i possibly?
im doing another people diary.
mary-hannah - darling you make me so confused. i wish you would tell me whats going on, and what you feel.
shawn- im not going to say anything you know how i feel
erin- i cant tell when your angry at me and when you like me, you confuse me as well. ive given you hell and im really sorry.
zeina- my baby! you and i are going to have to get edward scisorhands boy toys and be smexy like teh mary hannah!!
letta- i love letta! i think i should start a i <3 letta fanclub or something. however, contrary to popular belief i am not IN love with letta! she is my mommy! ^.^
derek/caitlin - i am still in awe of the derek/caitlin
matt kilxbul- wtf am i putting him on here. hes a cutie pie. and i would like to see him in a mini skirt.
calvin- wtf is wrong with you. i <3 but i hate you. your the only one i know that can really show me a good time no matter what.
and yeah my comps about to run out of batt power so bye!
Excuses, excuses
5 minutes ago I decided I would get over it all
5 minutes ago I decided I’d put the fire to rest
5 minutes ago I decided I’d put out the insence
5 minutes ago I decided I would rid myself of my pain with my last tears
5 minutes ago I decided that this change would be a new start
5 minutes ago I decided that these would be the last tears I cried for him
5 minutes ago I decided this would be the last time I would fantasize about him
5 minutes ago I decided this would be that last time I would wish he was here
5 minutes ago I decided that I would be better off without him
5 minutes ago I decided that I would live through this
5 minutes ago I decided I needed to rid myself of everything that reminds me of him
5 minutes ago I decided I would wish upon a star for something other than his love
5 minutes ago I decided I needed to stop hurting myself to distract my pain
5 minutes ago I decided I needed to become independent
5 minutes ago I decided I needed a boy toy not a boyfriend
5 minutes ago I decided I could estinguish the flame in my heart
5 minutes ago I decided to put on a dress
5 minutes ago I decided to put on so much makeup I looked like a whore
5 minutes ago I decided to slip on some heels and a tiara
5 minutes ago I decided i was over him
3 minutes ago I found that I wasn’t over him
3 minutes ago I found that the fire was more inviting
3 minutes ago I found that the insence was the only thing keeping my pain in check
3 minutes ago I found that I couldn’t stop crying
3 minutes ago I found that this change only marked the beginning of what was not finished
3 minutes ago I found that these tears will continue to fall no matter how many times I try to stop them
3 minutes ago I found that he was all I could think about
3 minutes ago I found that no matter how hard I tried I wished he was holding my hand
3 minutes ago I found that I couldn’t live without him
3 minutes ago I found that everything reminds me of him
3 minutes ago I found that same star and wished he would love me in return
3 minutes ago I found the hurt felt better than the pain
3 minutes ago I found that im dependant on him
3 minutes ago I found boy toy=lust, boyfriend=love
3 minutes ago I found the flame would not go out, just consume me gradually
3 minutes ago I found myself taking off the dress
3 minutes ago I found that im not a whore
3 minutes ago I found im not a princess
3 minutes ago I found I was still in love
right now I am crying
right now I wonder if this flame has consumed me yet
right now I am thinking about him
right now I am studying the burns on my arms
right now I wish he was here
right now the insence is curling around me
right now nothing makes sense
right now I wonder what I am feeling
right now I am too tired to curse
right now I stare at the dress and wonder if he ever thought I was cute, or nice, or worth his time
right now I don’t understand what I am saying
right now the insence is burning out and the flame is flickering weakly
right now I wonder if he ever thinks about me
right now I feel nothing
right now im no princess, no whore, no independent girl.
Right now I wonder who I am
Right now I wish upon a star that I could kick the guy who said “it is better to have loved then lost, then to never have loved at all.”
Right now this love has consumed me whole
Right now I wish that he loved me
Right now this just seems like a bunch of excuses
im confused, im happy, im miserable, im extatic, im no one. i dont know how to feel. all i know is i love him. more than any other feeling, love. it has not smiled on me in the past, and i dont belive it ever will. not now, not ever. i was foolish to believe i could be happy in love. that i could have a normal relationship with the one i loved. let alone a romantic one. and all i know is that this flame burning inside me wont go out. not even if he changes his mind. im scared. im hopeful.
its amazing and strange how he always says just what i want to hear.......
in the past when a boy said what i wanted him to say it meant he was taking advantage of me, just trying to get me into bed. but with him its not like that at all, i trust him more than anyone else. and when i am sad he smiles at me and says just the right thing.
let-chan says that all a girl ever wants to hear is
"i'll protect you"
"i'm there for you"
"i'll always be by your side"
"i love you"
and while the guy is saying this the girl is thinking
"he's so amazing"
"i trust him so much"
"he's the only one for me"
"i love him"
and the guy is thinking
"and now she's going to have sex with me"
but thats not the way he thinks. my angel. *blush* im still to afraid to call him my own, do i get that privlidge?
okay this is going to sound corny but its an inside joke;
"why do you wanna marry me?"
"so i can kiss you any time i want."
-sweet home alambama
(be sure to say it in a southern accent)
hehe!!! <3
im so happy. i think im so happy that i randomly burst out in tears. but a certain fear lurks deap within my heart. i fealing i cannot rid myself of. a person i cannot rid myself of. my aunt bought my these clothes for my birthday, mostly prepy clothes which i hate. i can make them work though. they must have cost a fortune, which pisses me off. that crappy clothes cost more than good ones. anyway. among those clothes were a pair of pants. the same that kate used to wear. i had been planning to buy myself some and wear them to piss her off, or something. i dont know. but i hadnt gotten around to buyging them. oh well, i can probly just take it back, of give it to zeina. of spend the money on my cousins. but i thought of wearing the pants and i got scared. scared!
ill never be able to let go, ive gone this far. i still hate myself for it, i still cry over it, and most of all i still punish myelf for it. my scars will never fade, and new ones will always resurface. my heart which is so filled with joy and love has a fine layer that keeps me in doubt, that keeps me in the constant state of hating myself. and i afraid of casting that fear from me, for fear of change, for fear of everything turning on me, and for fear something i do not know will happen. that fear keeps me in check, though it might never finish me, it will always hold me back within it.
i cannot cast these remnants from me, as you said i should.
im the happiest girl in the world...nothin
everytime i think about him i feals like there is a fire rising in my chest, warming and consuming my entire body. i dare not breathe for fear of exhaleing that flame. a smile plays on my lips. i want to hold this fealing close to me forever. the fealing of drowing in warm water. filing my lungs and my heart.
taunting tired eyes
i origionally thought of that statement when i was putting on my makeup friday morning. but now its even more true. i spent the day with an angel, and not my usual angel, i might say. my sleep scheduel is way off now. its currently 5:30 in the morning. i woke up at 3:30 and lost hope of getting back to sleep about an hour ago. so it seems im going to fall asleep during 4th period again, which i havent read the book for (english) which means i'm inevedably going to fail the corse. dammit. and thats one of my best subjects too. im just rambling now. tekkoshocon is this weekednt and i'm a lot more calm about it than i was last year because i actually have all the costumes finished for the most part.
i think my mom just got up, maybe i can get a ride to school from her and then i wont have to walk. no hope of getting back to sleep, i'd only be able to sleep for an hour if i did, or less. i think i'm going isane, i'm in an honest love, and my head is going slower than my fingers which are typing this stupid thing, so i'm going to shut up now.
GOOD FREAKING MORNING EVERYBODY!!!
taunting tired eyes
i just wrote this diary antry and the stupid computer erased it, so i'm writing it again because i have nothing better to do. my head is going slower than my fingers, and its way to early for coherent thought. its 5:30 in the morning i woke up at 3:30 and gave up hope of finding sleep again about an hour ago. so i'm going to get up
i spent the day with an angel, not my usual angel, but one sent to me from (wonderland?) ororon. yes, ororon the manga. *blush* shut up. i'll stick with wonderland that sounds better doesnt it, erin?
~*i can only say "im sorry" so many times before i start to hate myself.
a blush, and then a smile, it seems im hiding something. i'm ashamed, i admit, its the feeling i get when ive done something wrong and i dont want people to know about it, but what goes around comes around, and in not going to be that lucky in the end. i dont care what you know, i say, its a lie, i hope you realize that, i hope when you look into my eyes that you will see me, not who youve been told i am. and i hope when people meet me they will not pity me for being pathetic, or laugh at me for being dumb. i was made this way, your thoughts made me this way, your hopes, your desires. that is something noone will understand. will you try to at least? i can only say i'm sorry so many times before i start to hate myself.