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God Thinks by Voltaire

God thinks all blacks are obsolete farm equipment.
God thinks the jews killed the sun and must be punished.
God thinks the white man is satan.
God, they know what God thinks.

God thinks we should all convert to judaism.
God thinks we must all be christians, and
God thinks we should all embrace islam, and
God thinks the only religion is hinduism, and i, i know what God thinks.
God thinks you're a waste of flesh.
God prefers an atheist.

(chorus)
God, God.
God thinks people like you are evil.
God thinks all people like you are an embarrassment to creation.
Self-righteous, judgmental, frst to throw the stone,
and you're using his name for your own protection.

God thinks the sun revolves around the earth, and
God thinks that there was something very wrong with copernicus.
God thinks abortion is murder, and
God thinks everything that science gave us is wrong.

God thinks when men deserve it,
God thinks AIDS is a form of punishment.
I hate people who blame the devil for thier own shortcomings, and
I hate people who thank God when things go right and
i, i know what God thinks
God thinks you're an idiot.
God prefers a heretic.

(chorus)
God, God.
God thinks people like you are evil.
God thinks all people like you are an embarrassment to creation.
Self-righteous, judgmental, frst to throw the stone,
and you're using his name for your own agenda.

God is a liberal,
God is a democrat,
God wants you to vote republican.
Never trust a man who puts his words
in the mouth of God,
and says it's absolute truth,
it's lies and it smells like death.
It's all in a day's work taking money from the poor,
Why do you think that God
would need your dirty money if he'd wato to start a holy war.
Self-righteous, judgmental, frst to throw the stone,
and you're using his name for your own protection.

God thinks puppies need to die, and
God thinks babies need to drown, cuz
God is neither good nor bad
God is you and me
God is everything.

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The first three years of the Bush presidency.
Can the English language survive?


"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."


"The future will be better tomorrow."


"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."


"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."


"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."


"Public speaking is very easy."


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."


"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."


"For NASA, space is still a high priority."


"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."


"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

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THIS IS MY EVIL MONKEY THAT LIVES IN MY CLOSET!!!

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Check out this vampire based RPG!!!
http://quiz.ravenblack.net/blood.pl?biter=Elfling

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Subject: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competant President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.


Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronounciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' or 'neighbour', as skipping the letter "U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half of the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced with the suffiz '-ise.' You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronounciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2001) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

~courtesy of [Syn's Desire]~

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Heterosexual Questionnaire

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you decide that you were heterosexual?
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase that you may grow out of in time?
4. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
5. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
6. Do your parents know that you are straight? When did you tell them? What about your friends and room-mates?
7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
9. Why do heterosexuals feel so compelled to introduce others into their lifestyle through constant scenes of heterosexual sex in the media?
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?
11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?
12. Despite all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate and the rates of family violence are spiralling. Why are heterosexuals so incapable of forming stable relationships?
13. Statistics show that lesbians have the lowest incidence of sexually transmitted disease. Is it really safe for a woman to maintain a heterosexual lifestyle and run such a high risk of disease and pregnancy?
14. How can you expect to become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?
15. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how can the human race survive if everyone is heterosexual?
16. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you feel that she or he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her or his own leanings?
17. There seems to be few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
18. Would you want your child to be heterosexual, knowing the problems he or she is bound to face?