Here's a hint for all you would-be movie producers: don't go putting period music in your film unless you're absolutely certain that the soundtrack is going to go triple platinum and the songs therein will become part of our cultural heritage. Otherwise, your movie will just end up being horribly dated once tastes change and good sense wins out. That said, Here’s the review of what is quite possibly the very best BAD movie EVER:

DeathStalker (1984)

Compiled by [The Axe Effect]

I have a theory that explains why many fantasy movies are basically, as I'm so fond of putting it, soft porn with swords. It goes like this: Fantasy movies are made primarily to appeal to a specific demographic: the gamer nerd. Filmmakers assume (not unjustifiably) that gamer nerds want to see three things in a movie: fancy swordplay, breathtaking magic effects, and submissive naked women. Now, ask yourself this: which is cheapest? Is it cheapest to hire expert swordfighters to train your actors, to hire expert designers and fancy equipment for making magic, or to hire Playboy Bunnies to strip for the camera?

The best part about this movie is that there isn't a single scene in it that makes a bit of sense, either internally or in conjunction with the rest of the movie. It's just all a bunch of meaningless garbage and stock ideas and cliches run together to make a "movie."

In the opening sequence, we see some buxom woman (I'm not sure if she has any connection to the blonde warrior chick from later on, or if she's just random) running from some evil barbarians who are presumably trying to rape her because, well, that's just what evil barbarians DO. Deathstalker then kills all the barbarians. Why? Because he's a noble hero, and he wants to protect this poor woman? Because he has a debt of vengeance against them? Nope. He kills them because he wants the woman for himself. Meet our hero.

Next we meet the "king." He's sitting on a throne -- in the middle of the woods. The movie makes some half-hearted attempt at explaining this, but it still reeks of "low set budget." He tells Deathstalker to go fight the evil wizard. Deathstalker refuses and 'stalks off to fight the wizard, undeterred.

Deathstalker meets up with a witch, who tells him he has to go find a guy who lives in a hole. Deathstalker tells her not to speak in riddles. He finds the guy, turns into a kid, "frees" the guy from the hole, and turns back into an adult. (?) The guy gives him a special sword, which is apparently one of the three items of creation, or something like that. The other two items are an amulet and a chalice, both of which are in the hands of the evil sorcerer in the castle. After giving up his sword, the hole guy hangs around for most of the rest of the movie, popping up several more times but never doing anything else of note.
Sword Guy and Deathstalker travel on and meet up with a blonde woman (wha wha wha) who is and remains scantily dressed. A sex scene occurs for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Deathstalker and his companions show up at the wizard's tournament. The prize? To become the wizard's heir. The trouble? The wizard is immortal. Deathstalker shows that he is the only halfway-intelligent character in the movie, as he is apparently the only one who realizes that being the heir to a wizard who never dies is not that great a prize.
The four of them reach the castle, and so begins our first "brothel" scene. You see, for no reason at all the evil sorcerer gives all the warriors who come for the tournament free reign of the brothel. Chachi pairs off with somebody (wha wha wha), and Deathstalker and Blondie sit in the corner.
Things happen pretty randomly, and this whole brothel scene is ridiculously long. Finally, the evil sorcerer shows up, gives a lame speech, and presents the warriors with a new woman to conquer. She is tied up (wha wha wha), and the sorcerer asks for a "volunteer." Several guys want the honor, but the guy who eventually pushes to the front looks like he just got done shooting Star Wars and stopped off at this brothel on the way home. He tries to ravish the woman, she fends him off, and instantly a fight breaks out involving every person in the room.
The fighting lasts far longer than it needs to, much like everything else in this movie. To make it worse, not long after this fight we move on to the tournament itself, which contains probably the most boring fight scenes ever put on film. The sole highlight of the tournament is the guy who gets beat with a war hammer until nothing is left but a red stain and some rags on the ground.

Deathstalker's sidekick chachi tries to kill him and dies.
Some other guy gets transformed into a chick, tries to seduce Deathstalker and kill him, and dies.
Deathstalker finally gets sick of milling around and doing nothing (the previous eighty minutes of the film) and decides that it's finally time to kill the wizard, which he does with disturbing ease; he just sort of walks in, ignores the wizard's evil magic, captures his magic artifacts, and lets random mobs of peasants rip him apart (literally; and I don't care *what* the filmmakers think, if one is drawn and quartered, one does *not* tear in half straight down the middle).
If my review seems a bit slipshod, it's because it's impossible to explain the splendor that is "Deathstalker." The solitary point of lucidity in the whole cloud of oddness is Deathstalker's realization that the prize is irrelevant, and, in context, it seems like a brilliant moment. There are so many things that simply cannot be explained, such as the sock-puppet monster that eats eyeballs (it's much, *much* funnier than that makes it sound), or Deathstalker's destroying the items of creation.
On a side note, the actor playing the evil wizard defies the entire movie by almost being genuinely good. I'm convinced that, with more characterization and a larger role, he could have done something worthwhile. But he doesn't get nearly enough screen time. And everybody else gets far too much.
The caption on the back of the box begins by mentioning "PLAYBOY PLAYMATE BARBI BENTON." Yup, that's right -- Deathstalker loses top billing to the highest-paid stripper.

The final Verdict:
I have no idea what the people who made this movie were trying to accomplish, nor do I really think I want to know. None of it makes any sense at all, and I howled with laughter through most of it. Two of the "main" characters do next to nothing. Things happen for no reason. Entire scenes have nothing to do with the plot. The evil sorcerer has an animated sock puppet in a box. We see this thing several times, but nothing ever comes of it. Sword guy has a random scene where he somehow falls through the roof of the brothel. Nothing comes of it. Nobody ever explains where these three items of creation came from or what they really do.

Scene to watch for: Any appearance of the sock-puppet monster.
Best line: "I've ruled longer than most of you have lived. Now I'm old."
Things that make you go "Huh?": Why Deathstalker would refuse so strongly when the "king" asks him to go fight the wizard and then waste no time heading off to do just that.


Back to EP Movie Reviews