A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit
them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
A father finds his son praying at night. 'God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta Grandpa.' The father finds this odd, but doesn't think too much of it. The next morning the grandfather dies. The father remembers the night before, but doesn't say anything. That night, the son prays, 'God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.' The father hopes that nothing happens to the grandmother. Sure enough, the next morning the grandmother dies. At this point the father gets really scared. That night, the son prays "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy". The father stays up all night long, frightened. Early in the morning he goes to the doctor to make sure everything is fine. When he comes home, his wife is waiting frantically in the driveway and yells "Honey, come quick! The milkman just dropped dead on the porch!"
Sunday morning services were going very smoothly when suddenly a flash of light and smoke appeared in front of the pulpit followed by a large "BOOM". When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw a red figure complete with horns, pitchfork and tail.
Immediately, panic set in. People crowded through the doors, trampling each other in their rush to get away. Satan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still lounging comfortably in his pew.
"Do you not know who I am?", Satan thundered.
The man's reply was nonchalant, "Sure I do."
Satan was puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
The man snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!"
A drunk walked into a lounge. After staring at a beautiful woman who was sitting at the bar for ten minutes, he sauntered over and kissed her. she jusped up and slapped him silly.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I thought you were my wife. You look just like her."
"Ugh. Get away fro me, you worthless, insuferable, no-good drunk!" she yelled
"Wow, You even sound like her." He said.
A biker guy is sitting at a bar, sipping his beer. When along came this guy and sat next to him and said.
"Are you a reallllllllll biker?"
In reply the biker says " All day I work on my bike. I ride with the guys. We do toys for tots run. So yes I think I am."
They sat there alone for a while. When the other man left another one sat down and asked the same question and got the same answer. Then this chick comes and sits next to him and asks him the same question. He tells her the sames answer and she said.
"Well I'm a lesbain. All day I think about women. When I eat I think about women. When I sleep I dream about women. When I shower I think about women. All day long, everything is about women."
He didnt say anything so after a while she gets up and leaves and a guys comes and sits in her spot and says
"are you a real biker?"
In reply the guy goes " I thought I did...but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
I was at the cash machine and the little old lady in front of me was having problems. She turned to me and asked if I would check her balance, so I gave her a push and she fell over.
"Its not very good" I said!
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures. That sailor notices that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
"How did you end up with the peg leg?" He asks.
"I was swept overboard and into a school of sharks," The pirate replies, "As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit off my leg."
"Wow!" Cried the sailor, "What about your hook?"
"Arrgh! An enemy hacked off my hand during a raid."
"Incredible! How'd you get the eye patch?"
"A seagull crapped in my eye."
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything They could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.
"Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Two men are in an airplane about to crash, and are discussing who will receive the parachute. One man grabs the 'chute and says to the other as he jumps out, "Just pray to Buddha and you'll be alright" Then, he jumps, leaving the man to make a dire decision of life or death. Desperate, the other man jumps out, knowing he can die either way, as he begins praying "Oh Buddha, please help, save me Buddha!" The man repeats this prayer over and over. Then, as if out of nowhere,a huge hand catches him in the air. So VERY thankful, the man wipes the sweat from his brow, and replies, "Thank God!" immediately after the remark, the hand then drops the man.
These three men died and went heaven. As they reached the gates the angel standing ouside told them they must make an agreement in order to walk through the gate. The angel then said, "You must go a whole year without popping any of our ducks." The men thought this was a joke but agreed to it anyway.
Well as they walked through the gates all they saw were ducks everywhere. Two days later the first man tripped and fell on a duck. The angel appeared and said, "You have broken our agreement, so now you will spend eternity with the ugliest person you have ever seen." The angel then chained the man to this woman who was hairier than he was.
Six months had passed and the second man was so proud of himself for not popping a duck. He was quite tired so he decided to take a nap. While he was asleep he rolled over on one of the ducks. The angel appeared and told him, "You have broken our agreement so now you will spend eternity with the ugliest person you have ever seen." The angel then chained the man to this woman who had the biggest mole he had ever seen.
A year later the third man was walking when the angel appeared. The angel told the man, "You have made it a whole year without popping any of our ducks, Congragulations." Then the angel chained the man to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
As the third man and the woman were walking he looked at her and said, "You're the best reward I could have imagined for not popping any of the ducks." The woman then replied, "Well thank you, but you are by far the worst punishment they could have given me for popping that dang duck."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriliqist
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The barman pulls out a shotgun from under the bar and says "we don't serve ducks here, get out."
The duck leaves, and comes back the next day. He asks for a beer again. The barman pulls out his shotgun and says "Look, I TOLD you we don't serve effin' ducks! If you come back again, I'll nail your head to the bar!"
The duck leaves, and comes back again the next day. He asks "Have you got any nails?"
The barman replies "No"
Then the duck says "Well in that case, can I have a beer?"
A woman walks into a bar and orders herself a drink. While she's waiting, the man next to her looks at her and says, "You know, the beer here is magic."
She has no idea what the hell he's talking about, so she says, "Excuse me?"
"The beer here is magical," the man explains. "If you drink the beer here, you can . . . oh, I don't know, jump off of a building and live."
The woman, she's skeptical of this, so she says, "I'll bet you one hundred dollars that you can't do that."
"You're on," The guy says. He chugs down his beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and gets up. There is not one scratch on him.
He walks back into the bar and takes the 100 dollars from the woman before she says, "I'll bet you double that that I can jump off of that building and survive."
"Go ahead," The man says. She chugs down her beer, walks outside, climbs up the nearest building, jumps off of it . . . and dies.
The man shrugs and turns around, holding the 100 dollar bill, and shows it to the bartender. "Look what I got!" Exclaims the man.
And the bartender replies, "You're an asshole, Superman."