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Yesterday on the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, two women protesting the wearing of fur skated nude. Nude ice skating-I'm thinking to myself, man, this is just the thing to get Tonya Harding out of retirement.
I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?
As yet there have been no deaths attributed to the killer bees. However, two bees were caught this week planning a murder.
Do you realize why we have arms controll now? It's beacuse we're broke, and the Russians are broke. Before arms controll, we were like two junkies arguing over a plastic spoon.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
I think the most memorable experience I had in France was visiting the cathedral at Chartes. It's a 400-year-old cathedral-beautiful stained glass, and it's a very, very moving experience, and asI was writting my name on it with a can of spray-paint...
Fiftey something million dollars for a Van Gough. You know, if theirs an afterlife, and if Vincent is up there watching, he's chopping off the other ear, going, "Son of a bitch! When I was alive I couldn't sell dick!"
Critics say that Andy Warhol's famous portraits of Campbell's soup cans were a brilliant satire of culture, in much the same way Campbell's soup is a brilliant satire of food.
I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.
The chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowin' that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I went back to pondering my morality.
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
I was a born pessimist. My first words were, "My bottle is half empty."
I'm not a pessimist: I like to think of myself as an optimist with a reality chaser. I know the glass is half full. I just want to know who the hel's been drinking out of it, and do I have to pay full price
Do you feel that excitment of being a woman in the nineties? Maybe it's just static cling.
If a man smiles all the time he's prbably selling something that doesn't work.
I think God made babies cute so we don't eat them.
I still can't believe that people I know, my peers, are making babies. I'm too lazy to make a salad.
My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow. She got wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, "Adopt."
We have a baby now at my house...all day long. And all night long. I wonder why they say you have a baby? The baby has you.
A lucky woman in Iowa delivered seven babies. Ooh, that is not a delivery-that my friends, is a shipment! You know if you think about it, for parents its a dream-or a nightmare, I guess. Doesn't make any difference, either way they're never going to sleep again.
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important, beacuse when we wanna potty-train the babby we should set and example.
I can't decide if I want a baby. And my friends who hae kids don't make very good salesmen. They're like, "Oh you learn all this great stuff, like how to survive on two hours' sleep." If I want to learn that I'll just become a political prisoner or something.
Women forty-nine years old are having their first child. Forty-nine! I couldn't think of a better way to spend my golden years/ What's the advantage of having a kid at forty-nine? So you can both be in diapers at the same time?
This is exciting. A woman recently had a baby from an embryo that had been frozen for seven years. She said, "I had no idea if I was having a little boy, a little girl-or fish sticks."
-Conan O' Brien
As far as baby-sitting tips go, I recommend a few quick questions to the parents when you want to get early. Like, "Is it all right for the baby to have...bleach?"
Our baby won't suck on her thumb. She prefers her two middle fingers. Which makes her look like a little, tiny bulimic. I knew she was going to be a super-model.
Babies in strollers frighten me. They're never happy. Always screaming and drooling, scrucnched up in that little chair. They look like little angry Larry Flynts.
It was one of those bachelor parties where all the married men had to meet at the end and decide about what to say we did. "We got in a fight with some guys and that's how our underwear got ripped. They ripped our underwear and smelled good. Jimmy, you fell and your nipple got pierced."
The lady at the bank asked, "What do you want on your checks-wildlife scenery?" I said, "I want a picture of a big, thick necked guy on my checks. A bouncer-thats what my checks are going to be."
I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. If I die tomorrow.
The banks have a new image. Now you have "a friend." Your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
Barbie is getting a biger waist and a smaller chest. Not surprisingly, early today Ken announced he wants to start seeing other dolls.
A toy company is releasing Teacher Barbie this week. Apparently, it's like Malibu Barbie-only she can't afford the Corvette.
Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she were a real woman, would have no internal organs beacuse her waist is to small. I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in the missing organ department, compared to Ken.
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