Sunday, October 23, 2005

Talking in Silence

[I really wish people would accept me for who I am. I try to be the best I can be. I've changed already, I don't think I can change much more. I tell mom how I want to move to another town. Start Over. Maybe then I'll be accepted by someone. I feel like I'm all alone. I'll walk down the hall next to someone and all I ever hear is "Hey" to the person beside me. I keep walking. I know them, they know me. They just don't acknowledge my presence. Ever. No one. I need to go. Get away from it all. I try my best. No one cares. I'm sick of not having anyone to talk to. Only Lauren, but she has her own problems and I really don't feel like making them worse right now. Give her more of a mental breakdown. I make up people like Sha'Kleif to make myself happy. Sometimes it works. Other times I realize that I'm making something perfect up that will never be there. No, Sha'Kleif will never be there, or is that picture the best thing I've ever seen, but the personality we've given him is pretty wonderful. Besides, he actually accepts me for who I am. I Need to go. Leave. Die. I dont really care anymore. I won't have to put up with anything anymore, will I? I'm sick of people pretending to be my friend when no one else is there. Talk about me in a way that I have no idea why they are. I hate being called a freak. I hate being fat. I hate wearing Make-Up to hide myself. The best thing I own are my converse. The only thing that will never be judged for how they look. Be old and torn, no one would care because thats the way they are. Not me. I'm never going to make anyone happy. No one has ever been able to make me happy. The only thing I have right now is my music. Bassoon. Clarinet. Not my Emo crap. I love it, yes I do. Just not now. I need something else. Not just my MCR and Saosin. My lowest grade today on my Progress Report was a 74. I'm Stupid. I hate not having higher grades than everyone else. Not like it matters. I have to "set goals for myself", I "have to get into college." Right now, school isn't the most important thing on my priorities list. Maybe it's making myself change into someone I'm not. Maybe it's convincing myself that it is. I dont know. Dad hasn't yelled all that much lately. Neither has mom. Grandmother on the other hand is giving me the worst coniption I've ever had. Moving my crap all over the room and forgetting where she put it then blaming it on the girls. I wish I had my own room. I wish I had a car. I wish I had a job. I need something. I don't know what. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. I hate the way I'm always alone. If it wasn't for Lauren and Jase... I don't know where I'd be right now. They're the only ones who keep me alive right now. I don't really see Jason the way I used to. I don't really like him in that way anymore either. He's just become my friend.   Can't make me laugh like he used to because I got too used to hiding myself from him. He's leaving for college and yes, I'm going to miss him like hell. It won't be the same anymore because the three of us have grown together. Lauren is just about as confused as I am. I don't know who she likes anymore. Always someone different. Not like it's a bad thing. But someone needs to make up their mind. I remember when I first met her. Never talked to anyone. Stayed at the house all the time. Then I changed her. She was my best friend. More hours of conversation on the internet than we had ever talked in person. I miss that. Yahoo! messenger. Now dumb ass MSN. Habbo Hotel. Now shitty Elftown/Elfpack. I hate it. Adam Benjamin Howe. Eric Hammond. MuggleNet. MySpace. I miss it. So very much so. Yearbook. Mrs. Mize. "We're Leaders, Not Followers" If only that pertained for High School. Maybe its God's way of saying, "Chelsea, I hate you." I'm not very sure. But I need something. I hate my life. I do. I'm never good enough for anyone. Including myself. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I'm going to stay the same old Chelsea Brown who likes Ben Streckert and My Chemical Romance. The one who used to sing as loud as she could walking down the halls in 6th grade. The loud, annoying, obnoxious one. The one who was remembered for "stalking Caleb Mayo",and falling in love with a guy who she never knew. That fat girl over there. The one who can't find clothes when she goes shopping. The one who smells like ciggerettes because her dad decides he likes to smoke in the car. The girl with Pumpkins in her yard. That band nerd. One of those damn clarinets. That Emo Girl. Do I have Explanations? No. I'm not useful. I'm not smart. I'm not noticed. I'm not important. All I do is go to band practice and spend my parents money on crap. I'll never be noticed. I'll never be loved by who I want to be loved by. I'll always sit here. In the same damn spot at my computer. And I hate it...]

Minus The Bear Lyrics <index.html>
Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse Lyrics <absinthepartyattheflyhoneywarehouselyrics.html>

Hey, let's cross the sea
and get some culture
Red wine with every meal
and absinthe after dinner
We'd look good side by side
walking back to the hotel

We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place too stay
that's not far off the main way-
we've got to plan our day:
Rodan and the Orsay
and find a way to cram it all in
before we drink hard again

Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight x2

This light looks good on you
morning came early
Sitting on a park bench
that's older than my country
Two star hotel
near St. Germain.
Two star hotel
where the stars don't mean anything.

We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place too stay
that's not far off the main way- (Lets get a bottle!)

We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place too stay
that's not far off the main way-
we've got to plan our day:
Rodan and the Orsay
and find a way to cram it all in
before we drink hard again

Lets get a bottle and drink a little tonight
Lets get a bottle and drink alone tonight

The Song Ben Sent To ME ! Ahh! :)

Chelsea-[I </3 Ben] says:
the truth: yes it is you, because you don't pay attention to whats right in front of you and I hate that.
nin = the 17th says:
what do you mean?
Chelsea-[I </3 Ben] says:
exactly what i just said. you dont pay attention.
nin = the 17th says:
what to you? 
nin = the 17th says:
i know that you liked me or whatever
Chelsea-[I </3 Ben] says:
Yes I did.
nin = the 17th says:
and i fucking knew that. all your friends told me. but once you see that im not going for it, why do you keep liking me?
Chelsea says:
Keep liking you?
Chelsea says:
I didnt know tHey were telling you.
Chelsea says:
I never told them to.
nin = the 17th says:
yeah man. EVERYONE told me. 
nin = the 17th says:
some friends i guess??
Chelsea says:
yeah well.
nin = the 17th says:
but i DO pay attention

"Take Me Away"

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

[Chorus:]
All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands

[Chorus]

I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)

[Chorus]

Take me away
Break me away
Take me away

Pictures of Jason because I'm putting new ones up...

: 12 Ways To Get To A Girls Heart-- 1. Hugs her from behind. 2. Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other. 3. When standing, wrap your arms around her. 4. Cuddle with her. 5. Dont force her to do ANYTHING! 6. Write little notes. 7. Compliment her. 8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible. 9. Say I love you.....and MEAN IT! 10. Brush the hair out of her eyes 11. Comfort her when she cries. 12. Love her with all your heart Girls- Repost this if you think its sweet. Guys- Repost this if you would do any of it

10 Things I Hate About You
I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
I hate that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close.
Not even a little bit.
Not even at all.

Charles Manson says:
hahaha
-<Chelsea>- says:
i did!
-<Chelsea>- says:
okay... i g2g.. dad said i hafta
Charles Manson says:
okay later duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude
-<Chelsea>- says:
ugh.. im not a dude!  i told you that already!
-<Chelsea>- says:
geez.. bye yo
Charles Manson says:
hahaha. later love

i dont know what to talk about tho...
Hmm..
Okay well.. here we go..


OKay, I started going out with this guy about 2 months ago and about 2 weeks ago, he decided he needed " a break off" right? and so..we took a week off... On the day he said he was gonna call, he didn't. So later that night, I went over to my friends house because I needed some time out of my house. The next day, my sisters said he called. It wasn't completely my fault because he didn't call the day he was sposed to. So, I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks. Then today I was on MSN talking to this guy who I've liked for ever... I actually think I love this guy more than my so called BF. anyways.. I told him I had to go, and he goes " OKay I love you" That just killed me. I've liked him for so long, and then he tells me he loves me. I was so happy. Then .. we went to Taco Bell.. Guess who was there? Dustin.. My bf. I didn't see him, but one of our aquaintences was sitting there and he goes, "CHELSEA" so I turned around and was like.. uh.. hi? and so yeah.. he goes.. Dustin is right here. I dont know what was going thru my mind. I was sooo mad. I went out to the car because I thought I was going to cry. I opened the door and threw my purse in. I sat down and thought for a second, then got up because I realized He wasnt worth it. All he's done for me is cause me problems... With my mind, my dad, my best friend... everyone.. I just dont know what to do.


OH! and this morning.. My other friend Sean called me. His friend Kaitlin, went to the movies with Dustin last night. Apparently, Dustin told Kaitlin that he had already broken up with me. So I was mad. I mean.. who wouuldn't be? and so yeah.. when I talked to Dustin at Taco Bell he told me that Sean told him at Wal Mart earlier today, that I HATED him and never wanted to talk to him again :)
so yeah... any comments?
xXx
Chelsea

Oh hell yeah! a sexy drummer guy! WOOT!

garth is soo hott :)

Well... I had some of the conversation before.. but eh... i losteded it :) He went to the bathroom... 30 minutes later.. this happened :)