[CHELSEA! is radical.]'s diary
dear diary,
mood: apathetic
my life is spiraling downward. i couldn't get enough money to go to the Blood Red Romance and Suffocate Me Dry Concert. It sucks cause they play some of my favorite songs like 'Stab My Heart Because I Love You,' and 'Rip Apart My Soul,' and of course, 'Stabby Rip Stab Stab." and it doesn't help that i couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thing either, like that guy from that band could do, some days you know. . .
i'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be
you'd be non-conforming to if u look just like me
i have paint on my nails and make-up on my face
i'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs
'cause i feel real deep when i'm dressing in drag
i call it freedom of expression most just call me a f*g
'cause their dudes look like chicks, their chicks look like d*kes
'cause emo is one step below transvestite
stop my breathing and slit my throat
i must be emo
i don't jump around when i go to shows
i must be emo
i'm dark and sensitive with low self-esteem
the way i dress makes everyday feel like Hallowe'en
i have no real problems but i like to make believe
i stole my sister's mascara now i'm grounded for a week
sulking and writing poetry are my hobbies
i can't get through a Hawthorne Heights album without sobbing
girls keep breaking up with me, it' never any fun
they say they already have a p*ssy, they don't need another one
stop my breathing and slit my throat
i must be emo
i don't jump around when i go to shows
i must be emo
dye in my hair and polish on my toes
i must be emo
i play guitar and write suicide notes
i must be emo
my life is just a black abyss, you know, it's so dark. and it's suffocating me. grabbing ahold of me and tightening it's grip, tighter than a pair of my little sister's jeans . . . which look great on my by the way
when i get depressed i cut my wrists in every direction
hearing songs about getting dumped give me an erection
i write in a live journal and wear thick rimmed glasses
i told my friends i bleed black and cry during classes
i'm just a bad, cheap imitation of goth
you can read me "Catcher in the Rye," and watch me jack off
i wear skin tight clothes while hating my life
if i said i like girls i'd only be half right
i look like i'm dead and dress like a homo
i must be emo
screw XBOX i play old school Nintendo
i must be emo
i like to whine and hate my parentals
i must be emo
me and my friends all look like clones
i must be emo
my parents just don't get me you know. they think i'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy. well, a couple of guys. but i mean, it's the 2000s. can't 2, or 4 dudes make-out with each other without being gay. i mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways. i don't know diary, sometimes i think you're the only one that gets me, you're my best friend. . . . i feel like tacos
Thats what I thought.<3
Facts Guys should know about girls
when a girl is quiet
millions of things are running through her mind
When a girl is not arguing
she is thinking deeply
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you'll be around
When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds
she is not fine at all
When a girl stares at you
she is wondering why you are lying
When a girl lays on your chest
she is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a girl calls you everyday
she is seeking your atention
When a girl says "I love you"
she means it
When a girl says that she can't live without you
She has made up her mind that you are her future
When a girl says "I miss you"
No one in this world can miss you more than that
When a girl says No
She means no
10 things i hate about you
I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
i hate the way you drive my car
i hate it when you stare
i hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
i hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rime
i hate the way you're always right
i hate it when you lie
i hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
i hate that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
but mostly i hate the way i don't hate you not even close. not even a little bit. not even at all........
Written with a pen, sealed with a kiss
if you are my friend answer me this:
are we friends or are we not?
you told me once but i forgot
so tell me now and tell me true
so i can say "i'm here for you"
of all the friends i ever met
you're the one i won't forget
and if i die before you do
i'll go to heaven and wait for you
i'll give the angels back their wings
and risk the loss of everything
there isn't a thing i wouldn't do
to have a friend just like you
Facts Girls should know about Guys.
when a girl is quiet
guys wonder when the bitching will start
When a girl is not arguing
guys think its time for a quickie
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you'll be around
guys think that they have spilled something on there shirt of their fly is undone
When a girl answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds
guys think, they have done something wrong again
When a girl stares at you
guys think , 'oh yes she bought it'
When a girl lays on your chest
guys think they r going to get a head-job
When a girl calls you everyday
guys think that their girlfriends think they are cheating
When a girl says "I love you"
guys think that they r getting screwed that night (most guys, but not me)
When a girl says that she can't live without you
guys think, 'oh no more baggage'
When a girl says "I miss you"
guys usaly say it back...
When a girl says No
guys think that your only saying no cause you want to get screwed...
HEY LETS CROSS THE SEA...... AND GET SOME CULTURE!!! RED WINE WITH EVERY MEAL AND ABSINTHE AFTER DINNER!!!!!
two star hotel!
I LOVE IT...So.. I cant not love some people.. no matter how hard I try...
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Talking in Silence
So Homecoming passed. I survived :) I went with J'sawn and yeah... The game was ass, but the dance was Okay. He danced with Emily and Lauren more than that booty danced with me. Ho Well :) Since that week I haven't been able to stop crying. This week is senior walk week. I don't really know how I'm going to survive this game. Jason, Ben, Lindsey, Michelle, they'll all walk. They'll cross the field and be like, "Heck Yes, I'm finally leaving this SOB" :( I'll cry. Alone. In the stands. I'll cry on the bus ride home. I'll cry when I get home. I'll cry until MY senior year. I'm gonna miss them like a be-otch. They might not all like me that much, but hey! I'm listening to the song Ben sent to me yet again. I can't STOP listening to it. Its not because He sent it to me. Just because the song itself kicks booty. Today mom and dad got in this major huge argument and me, being the stupid one I am, had to get in the middle of it. Messed up Lauren's chances of her coming over. Usually she messes it up. :P I'm not really sad that much anymore tho. I think I got through my dads head how I felt when I was screaming at him because then like.. 5 hours later he decided he wanted to talk to me about it. I didn't cry tho. It actually made me feel better. Jason called twice today. He never calls. Once he called because Lauren told him that I was upset and that she was supposed to come over but we had some technical diffuiculties and that if I wanted him to know why that he would have to ask me himself. Well, he obviously wanted to know, because in the middle of my family's scream fest, he called. He said he read my Elfpack diary. Oops... Ho well. Thats how I feel. And if you don't like it sir, I'm sorry? The second time he called was because I tried to call Lauren and she didn't want to answer, because she was talking to him on the phone. Not making me all that happy right now. *Lets get a bottle and drink alone tonight* aww yay! I miss Ben. As much as I hate to admit it. I might say I don't like him like I used to, but it just doesn't work that way does it? I kinda wish he wouldn't have quit band. Loser. Hanyways. Ow, dangit! I just bit mah lip :( It hurts. MMM! Skin! :S OMG! So we totally get our DSL hooked up on the 28th! I'm soooper happy about that. I'm sick of never being able to get on the 'puter because someone might try to call. Besides, now I can get people to send me stuff and it won't take no 4096 hours. So now I'm listening to Shut-up :) *Shut up just shut up!* lol. OHHH GIRL! *WE try to take it slow! I love you boo! I love you too!* woo hoo! SO!! We got the first one at contest in 17years. I was happy. Kinda depressed because I had to sit by mesLef in the stands when they announced it. WE have AREA on Saturday! woO! That means early practice tho... pfft. *is that all there is?* I'm not talking to my sister until she decides that she doesn't want to be a be-otch hanymore. So, my grandmother is over there sitting up straight asleep... :l I'm trying not to laugh.. its not working very well... I'm about to go eat dinner tho and its like.. 9 something. OMG LMAO! So I looked over there at my grandma, and her foot is tapping to my Linkin Park el musico... HAHAH! She's like asleep too! hahahahahahaha
Lauren and Jason 'specially :)
09:03:39 PM
[I really wish people would accept me for who I am. I try to be the best I can be. I've changed already, I don't think I can change much more. I tell mom how I want to move to another town. Start Over. Maybe then I'll be accepted by someone. I feel like I'm all alone. I'll walk down the hall next to someone and all I ever hear is "Hey" to the person beside me. I keep walking. I know them, they know me. They just don't acknowledge my presence. Ever. No one. I need to go. Get away from it all. I try my best. No one cares. I'm sick of not having anyone to talk to. Only Lauren, but she has her own problems and I really don't feel like making them worse right now. Give her more of a mental breakdown. I make up people like Sha'Kleif to make myself happy. Sometimes it works. Other times I realize that I'm making something perfect up that will never be there. No, Sha'Kleif will never be there, or is that picture the best thing I've ever seen, but the personality we've given him is pretty wonderful. Besides, he actually accepts me for who I am. I Need to go. Leave. Die. I dont really care anymore. I won't have to put up with anything anymore, will I? I'm sick of people pretending to be my friend when no one else is there. Talk about me in a way that I have no idea why they are. I hate being called a freak. I hate being fat. I hate wearing Make-Up to hide myself. The best thing I own are my converse. The only thing that will never be judged for how they look. Be old and torn, no one would care because thats the way they are. Not me. I'm never going to make anyone happy. No one has ever been able to make me happy. The only thing I have right now is my music. Bassoon. Clarinet. Not my Emo crap. I love it, yes I do. Just not now. I need something else. Not just my MCR and Saosin. My lowest grade today on my Progress Report was a 74. I'm Stupid. I hate not having higher grades than everyone else. Not like it matters. I have to "set goals for myself", I "have to get into college." Right now, school isn't the most important thing on my priorities list. Maybe it's making myself change into someone I'm not. Maybe it's convincing myself that it is. I dont know. Dad hasn't yelled all that much lately. Neither has mom. Grandmother on the other hand is giving me the worst coniption I've ever had. Moving my crap all over the room and forgetting where she put it then blaming it on the girls. I wish I had my own room. I wish I had a car. I wish I had a job. I need something. I don't know what. Something to keep my mind preoccupied. I hate the way I'm always alone. If it wasn't for Lauren and Jase... I don't know where I'd be right now. They're the only ones who keep me alive right now. I don't really see Jason the way I used to. I don't really like him in that way anymore either. He's just become my friend. Can't make me laugh like he used to because I got too used to hiding myself from him. He's leaving for college and yes, I'm going to miss him like hell. It won't be the same anymore because the three of us have grown together. Lauren is just about as confused as I am. I don't know who she likes anymore. Always someone different. Not like it's a bad thing. But someone needs to make up their mind. I remember when I first met her. Never talked to anyone. Stayed at the house all the time. Then I changed her. She was my best friend. More hours of conversation on the internet than we had ever talked in person. I miss that. Yahoo! messenger. Now dumb ass MSN. Habbo Hotel. Now shitty Elftown/Elfpack. I hate it. Adam Benjamin Howe. Eric Hammond. MuggleNet. MySpace. I miss it. So very much so. Yearbook. Mrs. Mize. "We're Leaders, Not Followers" If only that pertained for High School. Maybe its God's way of saying, "Chelsea, I hate you." I'm not very sure. But I need something. I hate my life. I do. I'm never good enough for anyone. Including myself. I wish I could change it, but I can't. I'm going to stay the same old Chelsea Brown who likes Ben Streckert and My Chemical Romance. The one who used to sing as loud as she could walking down the halls in 6th grade. The loud, annoying, obnoxious one. The one who was remembered for "stalking Caleb Mayo",and falling in love with a guy who she never knew. That fat girl over there. The one who can't find clothes when she goes shopping. The one who smells like ciggerettes because her dad decides he likes to smoke in the car. The girl with Pumpkins in her yard. That band nerd. One of those damn clarinets. That Emo Girl. Do I have Explanations? No. I'm not useful. I'm not smart. I'm not noticed. I'm not important. All I do is go to band practice and spend my parents money on crap. I'll never be noticed. I'll never be loved by who I want to be loved by. I'll always sit here. In the same damn spot at my computer. And I hate it...]
Minus The Bear Lyrics <index.html>
Absinthe Party At The Fly Honey Warehouse Lyrics <absinthepartya
Hey, let's cross the sea
and get some culture
Red wine with every meal
and absinthe after dinner
We'd look good side by side
walking back to the hotel
We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place too stay
that's not far off the main way-
we've got to plan our day:
Rodan and the Orsay
and find a way to cram it all in
before we drink hard again
Let's get a bottle and drink alone tonight x2
This light looks good on you
morning came early
Sitting on a park bench
that's older than my country
Two star hotel
near St. Germain.
Two star hotel
where the stars don't mean anything.
We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place too stay
that's not far off the main way- (Lets get a bottle!)
We've got to get something
to eat and to drink yeah,
and find a place too stay
that's not far off the main way-
we've got to plan our day:
Rodan and the Orsay
and find a way to cram it all in
before we drink hard again
Lets get a bottle and drink a little tonight
Lets get a bottle and drink alone tonight
The Song Ben Sent To ME ! Ahh! :)
Chelsea-[I </3 Ben] says:
the truth: yes it is you, because you don't pay attention to whats right in front of you and I hate that.
nin = the 17th says:
what do you mean?
Chelsea-[I </3 Ben] says:
exactly what i just said. you dont pay attention.
nin = the 17th says:
what to you?
nin = the 17th says:
i know that you liked me or whatever
Chelsea-[I </3 Ben] says:
Yes I did.
nin = the 17th says:
and i fucking knew that. all your friends told me. but once you see that im not going for it, why do you keep liking me?
Chelsea says:
Keep liking you?
Chelsea says:
I didnt know tHey were telling you.
Chelsea says:
I never told them to.
nin = the 17th says:
yeah man. EVERYONE told me.
nin = the 17th says:
some friends i guess??
Chelsea says:
yeah well.
nin = the 17th says:
but i DO pay attention
"Take Me Away"
I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do
[Chorus:]
All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
I feel like I am all alone
All by myself I need to get around this
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand
Cause no one understands
[Chorus]
I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on)
(and off and on)
[Chorus]
Take me away
Break me away
Take me away
Pictures of Jason because I'm putting new ones up...
: 12 Ways To Get To A Girls Heart-- 1. Hugs her from behind. 2. Grab her hand when you guys walk next to each other. 3. When standing, wrap your arms around her. 4. Cuddle with her. 5. Dont force her to do ANYTHING! 6. Write little notes. 7. Compliment her. 8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as long as possible. 9. Say I love you.....and MEAN IT! 10. Brush the hair out of her eyes 11. Comfort her when she cries. 12. Love her with all your heart Girls- Repost this if you think its sweet. Guys- Repost this if you would do any of it
10 Things I Hate About You
I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind
I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
even worse when you make me cry
I hate that you're not around
and the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close.
Not even a little bit.
Not even at all.
Charles Manson says:
hahaha
-<Chelsea>- says:
i did!
-<Chelsea>- says:
okay... i g2g.. dad said i hafta
Charles Manson says:
okay later duuuuuuuuuuuuu
-<Chelsea>- says:
ugh.. im not a dude! i told you that already!
-<Chelsea>- says:
geez.. bye yo
Charles Manson says:
hahaha. later love
i dont know what to talk about tho...
Hmm..
Okay well.. here we go..
OKay, I started going out with this guy about 2 months ago and about 2 weeks ago, he decided he needed " a break off" right? and so..we took a week off... On the day he said he was gonna call, he didn't. So later that night, I went over to my friends house because I needed some time out of my house. The next day, my sisters said he called. It wasn't completely my fault because he didn't call the day he was sposed to. So, I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks. Then today I was on MSN talking to this guy who I've liked for ever... I actually think I love this guy more than my so called BF. anyways.. I told him I had to go, and he goes " OKay I love you" That just killed me. I've liked him for so long, and then he tells me he loves me. I was so happy. Then .. we went to Taco Bell.. Guess who was there? Dustin.. My bf. I didn't see him, but one of our aquaintences was sitting there and he goes, "CHELSEA" so I turned around and was like.. uh.. hi? and so yeah.. he goes.. Dustin is right here. I dont know what was going thru my mind. I was sooo mad. I went out to the car because I thought I was going to cry. I opened the door and threw my purse in. I sat down and thought for a second, then got up because I realized He wasnt worth it. All he's done for me is cause me problems... With my mind, my dad, my best friend... everyone.. I just dont know what to do.
OH! and this morning.. My other friend Sean called me. His friend Kaitlin, went to the movies with Dustin last night. Apparently, Dustin told Kaitlin that he had already broken up with me. So I was mad. I mean.. who wouuldn't be? and so yeah.. when I talked to Dustin at Taco Bell he told me that Sean told him at Wal Mart earlier today, that I HATED him and never wanted to talk to him again :)
so yeah... any comments?
xXx
Chelsea
Oh hell yeah! a sexy drummer guy! WOOT!
garth is soo hott :)